Our Funny Page

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLIII, Issue 7, 18 August 1909, Page 52

Our Funny Page

. THE RULING PASSION. v J?r. Jones’ professional habits still iflng to him even though he has retired.’’ “How soT’ **llllo book he has just brought out has ttt appendix.”

HE WAS TOO COLD FOR HER. “Agnes broke her engagement to Louis because he was too cold and indifferent.” “He doesn’t strike me that way.” “He is, though. He said as long as they saw each other every day, he didn’t see any need of their corresponding.”

“Come into the garden, Maud,” Said facetious-minded Fred. “What’s the use,” said Maudie. “I have it on my head.”

ALWAYS A RISK. Aft Irish tenant who had just bought and er the Land Purchase Act boasted to the agent that his landlord was now **£lod Almighty,” and that he need fear ■othing. "Don’t you be too sure, Pat.” was the feply. "Remember, God Almighty evicted ids first two tenants.”

FULLY QUALIFIED. “The one thing we demand from out employees,” said the head of the office force, “is correctness in figures.” The applicant smoothed her hipless skirt complacently. “I have never had any complaints on that score,” she replied, with a glance of assurance.

NEMESIS. Fare; “Hi, cabby, what are yon stopping here for?’’ Cabby: “There’s an old woman in ’ere a-getting an awful time of it havin’ ’er teeth out. I wouldn't miss it for a dollar. I 'ad ’er for a fare yesterday.”

NATURAL ENVIRONMENT. larry: "Phaat’s th’ excitement, Pat?" I “at: “6hur«, an’ th’ automobile has famed turtle." T<arry: “Turned turtle, eh? Bedad, Oi bet that'a th’ reason ut choose a mud

QUITE OBVIOUS. ‘‘Excuse me," said the new barber, when Mr McGargle was seated in the chair, “but have you a mug here?” “Oi hov,” replied McGargle. “Ye’ll find it at the top av me neck, ferninst th’ back av me head.”

COLOUR BUND. ' Servant! “A pound of tea for tfie mISSUS.” Grocen “Green or black?’* Servant: “Shure, ayther will do. She’s blind as*a bat!” THE REASON. First Straphanger (in a whisper) s’ “Why did you give that woman your seat? She isn’t bundle-laden, tired, or pretty, or even .polite.” Second Straphanger: “Well—er—you see —she is my wife.” THE USUAL EXPLANATION. Black: “I say, old man, how would you like to buy my motor-car?” White: “Which is broke—you or the machine?”

A MODERN SAPPHIRA. Oliief clerk? Here conies the lady who wrote those articles on “How I Live Regally on Six Dollars a Week.” Satan: Put her over there with the Other liars. PERFECT REPRODUCTION. “Yes, madam," eays the affable agent, “our phonograph provides you with grand opera at home. Records of the voices of Eames, Sembrich, Calve, Scotti, Caruso, Melba, and all the famous “I think I do not care to consider it stars ” today/’ begins the woman; but the affable agent goes right on: “And by turning on this extra cylinder, madam, a conversational effect is produced, giving the loud chatter of voices in the boxes, which drowns out the singing entirely.” ORTHODOX. in answer to the question, “What passages in Holy Scripture bear upon cruelty to animals?” one boy said: “Cruel people often cut dogs’ tails and ears, but the Bible says, ‘Those whom God hath joined together let no man put asunder.’ ”

BUT IT WAS ALWAYS THUS. I know a young maiden with beautiful hair, No rational person could doubt it;' Yet sometimes I fear that my damoeel fair Is a little too puffed up about it. STREET PRIMER. Who is the man Standing in the Door? The man is an Auctioneer. What is an Auctioneer? An Auctioneer is a man who Sells you Something you don’t Want cheaper than you could Get it somewhere else for Nothing. What is the Auctioneer saying? The Auctioneer is saying, “Comeingents and don’tstandin the doorwayandblockitup how much amlofferedforthis importedvase it costonehundred dollars IsayONEHUNDREDDOLLARS gimmea dollar gimmeadollargimmeadollar going going going gone atfiftycentsyoufellersmakemeSICK!” Doesn’t the Auctioneer speak English? Yes, the Auctioneer speaks AuctionEnglish. It is a Language you can’t Understand until you have been Stung. How can the Auctioneer Live and Lose so Much Money? The Auctioneer Lives because other People Lose so much Money.

WONDERFUL FORETHOUGHT. Mothers George, -what in the world are you doing t George: I’m Mother: I should think a man who is going to be married in a week would haw more dignity. George: That’s just it, mother. You see, I'm practising on thia old drew sister’s so I can hook my bride up the back. ""