Anecdotes and Sketches

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLI, Issue 21, 18 November 1908, Page 52

Anecdotes and Sketches

[ “LANGWIIXJE” JMD THE THICK. ' A military wagon at the rear of a Iliarching regiment had stuck in a ditch, A military wagon at the rear of a marching regiment had stuck in a ditch, and not all the efforts of the horses, assisted by the soldiers, in charge of the chaplain, could budge the vehicle. "The soldiers held a brief conversation, and then sent a spokesman to the chaplain. “If you wouldn’t mind, sir,” said Mr. Atkins, “we would like you to go ahead. iVVe think we could get the wagon out if you wasn’t with us.” “How? I thought you would have been glad of my assistance,” said the chaplain, reproachfully. “So we are, sir.” the soldier hastened .to say, “but the fact is we can’t swear at the * oases when you’re within ’earin', sir; and there’s nothing like a bit o’ langwidge to make ’em pull.” ♦ > * BRUTE. After a long and tearful interview’ with his better half, the unfeeling husband wrote and sent to the daily papers the following advertisement : “Jjost—A mangy lap-dog. with one eye and no tail. Too fat to walk. Answers to the name of Fido. If returned stuffed, large reward. + + ♦ TOO TRUK I/ike most minister’s families, they were not extensively blessed with this world’s goods. She. however, was the youngest of ten children until her father explained to her of the baby sister who had come in the night. “Well,” she said after due thought. ‘T s’pose it’s all right, papa, but there’s many a thing we needed worse.”

INTERPRETATIONS. A cricket match had been arranged between the married and the single of Midland village, and postcards had been sent to those selected, worded thus: — “Dear Sir, —You are selected to play in the (married) team next Saturday at He——.—Yours truly, Mr. , Hon Sec. Swi perns C.C.” “N.B. —Be there at 2.30 sharp.” One of the recipients, a cowboy named Biles, was rather puzzled to know what “N. 8. meant, and asked his employer. “Why,” said that worthy, with a twinkle in his eye, “ ‘N.B.’ —no beer, o’ course!” “Oh, ah!” said Biles, looking very much surprised. Next morning Mr. ,hon. secretary of the Swipems C.C., received the following communication: —- "Deer Sir, —I rite these few lines to tell yer as ’ow Father ain’t cornin’ ter yer match. ’Tain’t as ’e wants the beer, it’s the hinsult of it.—Yours truly, T. Biles.” ♦ ♦ > THE COLD HARD FACT. The poultry editor of a country paper received this letter from a poetical summer cottager—Dear Editor r What shall I do? Each morn when I visit my hen house I find two or three fowls on their backs, their feet sticking straight up and their souls wandering through fields Elysian. What is the matter? The prosaic editor replied by return mail— Dear Friend : The principal trouble with your hens seems to be that they are dead. There isn’t much that you can do, as they will probably be that way for some time. Yrs respfly, ■

PROVING HER CAUSE. Few possess the quickness of thought and action characteristic of the costermonger’s wife, who exclaimed: “She said 1 wasn’t a loidy, she did, and the next minute 1 ’ad ’er ’ead in the gutter.” * * ± WAS IT FLATTERY T A gentleman who discovered that he was standing on a lady’s train had the presence of mind to remark: “Though I may not have the power to draw an angel from the skies, I have pinned one to the earth.” The lady excused him. ♦ ♦ ♦ ALMOST PATHETIC. A deaf man was walking on the railroad track with a friend when an engine rounded a curve behind them and opened its whistle full blast. The deaf man smiled and turning to his friend said: “Listen; that’s the first robin I’ve heard this spring.” POOR CHILD. An advertisement of a nursing bottle printed in a way back newspaper concluded with the following: “When the baby is done drinking it must be unscrewed and laid in a cool place under a tap. If the baby does not thrive on fresh milk, it should be boiled.” HE HAS SYMPATHISERS. “There,” exclaimed Major Shiftly,pointing to a notice on ar. otherwise blank wall, “is a sentiment that I would like to see proclaimed, in circus-poster type, over the doorway of every post-office in the land.” “What notice?” inquired his dull wilted companion. “Why that!” viciously rejoined the major, pointing to the offending edict, with his cane; “Post no bills.”

EASY MONEY. An expert golfer had the misfortune to play a particularly vigorous stroke at the moment that a seedy wayfarer wandered across the edge of the course. The ball struck the trespasser and rendered him briefly unconscious. When be recovered a pound note was pressed into his hand by the golfer. “Tanky, sir,” said the injured man after a glance at the money. “An" when will you be playin’ again, sir.” _♦ ♦ * AS HIS NEIGHBOURS SEE HIM. If he is poor he is a bad manager. If he is rich, he’s is dishonest. If he needs credit he can’t get it. If he is prosperous, every one wants to do him a favour. If he’s in politics, it’s for what he can get out of it. If he is out of politics he is no good for the country. If he doesn’t give to charity, he’s a stingy cuss. If he does it’s for show. If he is actively religious, he is a hypocrite. If he takes no interest in religion, he’s a hardened sinner. If he shows affection, he’s a soft specimen. If he seems to eare for no one he is cold-blooded. If he dies young, there was a great future ahead of him. If he lives to an old age, he has missed his calling.