FACTS, FANCIES, QUIPS & COMMENTS

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLI, Issue 19, 4 November 1908, Page 10

FACTS, FANCIES, QUIPS & COMMENTS

FPOM THE AUSTRALIAN PAPERS.

Th*‘iv is uo better of human srltjsh'ifss th tn rain. I mvt a man once, the day after a 3in. fall had crippled a mild drought. ‘Grand .rain,” J said; ‘ just **<‘l tilings right ajjaiu.” “Grand lain.” h 'runted. “Yes, grand rain for inc all right 1 had a man closing to-day for mv dIMI-acre paddock on Moore’s Point one hundred lovely quids for six months, ami down comes the rotten rain yesterday, ami, of course, he don’t turn up to-day. Grand rain for uie! Lovely rain!” And then he wanted to know' what was the good of bhinky rain coming then, anyway, as it would he too late to do any good, ami very likely give us a dry autumn, and make it <a perishiu bruit* of a winter.

Some men enthuse over rain up to a certain limit, and go about in the nip of changed temperature with both hands in their pockets, and back and shoulders •humped, as if they were gentlemen of leisure till the weather clears away. They chortle over the “lovely earthy smell, the lovely change.’ ’and declare it’s “like a hew world.” After an hour or two they wonder •‘whether it’s a general rain,” and reckon Toni Somebody out West “’ll have a grin on him if it is.” Then the rain yarns set in all along the verandah, <and we learn that Bov Mclntyre, of (hira .station, near Wogra, once got into hi# house tank when the rain eaihe after a drought, and stayed there till the water lose to his chin.

After two days’ rain these enthusiasts wonder •’when the bloomin’ rain’s goin’ t’ stop.” and reckon “enough’s as good as a feast.” They growl about the spuds getting the second growth, and the hail spoiling the fruit. The roof (which has leaked pretty badly) drops in for a- bad. time, and is called rotten, and the man who built the house is calk’d rotten.

Should the rain continue another day the women start talking about the dirty, ■filthy weather, and want to know what’s the good o’ trying Io keep llooi;s clean when people, trapsin’ in with on their boots all day. The wood is •wretched, soggy stull", and won’t..burn-; lite little brute of a black- pig has been on to the back verandah. Chillin’ after the scraps, and spoilt 411 the lovely fuchsias put out to get a drink, to nay nothing of the lovely little daphne that was “just beginning 10 grow.” The children are told “to clear off to the shed or somewhere out of mischief, for heaven’s sake.” and there’s mostly a teirier that’ll “have his blessed neck broken if he’s caught on the bed again with his muddy feet.” Should a fourth days’ rain ensue there’s mostly a tragedy of some kind on the {arm. jC dC Dr. Abraniowski, of Mild lira, is in Melbourne, Trying to convert people with a gospel of new food, the principal ingredient of which is raisins. Mildura is the great raisin-producing centre, so Father Ibramowski is a great patriot in his parish. The good man says that since taking to a strict regime of raisin and nuts he feels capable of living for ever, hut few people would want t<» live for ever on nuts and raisins. Raisins and mils render the consumer impervious to sunstroke and disease, and Abramowski rides about Mildura in the blazing sum met sun bald-headed. Probably raisins ami nuts are the true antidob* to snakebite. Dr. .Abramowski, who carries raisin and almond cakes to feed his converts, recalls ( ornaro. the celebrated Italian, who wrote a book recommending a miserable diet of lentils as a means of attaining the long life, and su<*<*e<*<lcd in killing as many fools as a tolerably large war. The Italian wan peculiarly constructed, and Lad the slow metabolic process of a hilwmating hear. A spare diet was simply compulsory with him, but the regime was death to rapid livers with a •lOi n sfMinding consumption of nerve force. & C* X man with a line regard for time and place dropped himsek into the Yarra right outside the morgue the other morning, just as the coroner whs concluding one iiupiost, and was ready to take another. \ stranger immediately rushed hi and dislocated the proeeedingb with tin* information that a prospective corpse was getting itself r^ady; whereupon the vourt broke up and hurried uut to view

tin: tragedy- Meanwhile flu- attendants prepared tJie slab and the shower, and all the other proper preparations were in progress, when an interfering stranger dived in anti brought the vietini ashore and pumped him out! It nearly always happens like that—when an episode is correctly timed and carried out regularly and orderly, someone interferes and upsets the arrangements. t* * As an example of the postscript habit, this report, received by an Australian steamship company from one of its chief stewards, would be hard to beat: — Sir, — I beg to report that on Tuesday night, the 4th instant, Peter Wilson, a drunken fireman, took from the galley and threw over the side the following utensils and stores:—l mincing machine, 1 chopper, 1 steel, 1 butcher's knife. 1 French knife, 3 pie dishes, 1 basin. 1 toast fork, 401 b. Hour, 501 b. jaitatoes, J tin curry, 1 tin baking powder. I may perhaps also state that while going forward with a colander of rice he fell down the forehold and was killed. —Yours faithfully, Samuel Fitzelepiiant, Chief Steward. J* J* ‘•Billy" writes about the frequent expression, ■'the finest- in the .Southern Hemisphere”: — ] have been two years in Australia, and 15 years south of the line, and would like to say that the Australian papers are mueh too fond of the alxjve expression. The gushful reporter seems to forget that all South Africa, and most of .South America, are in the Southern Hemisphere. Wherefore that hemisphere includes such cities as Buenos Ayres I 14157,000 population), Rio Janeiro (811,205), San tiago (378,000). San Paulo (350.000), and dozens more, and there are big .things in some of these cities. '■ ■ - And if Australia has a hotel tri beat the Mount Nelson, in, the Gardens at Chpe Town, 1 should lilcgto know the name of it.. ■ . The South African Government railways may not be quite so fast as Australian ones, but for comfort you cannot compare the two. Take the Zambesi express, or Rhodesian train de luxe. This is a corridor train throughout, and has comfortable sleeping berths, four passengers to a compartment, which, when arranged, resembles a first-class fourberthed cabin ; a dining carriage, buffet and smoke-room with small tables handy for cards, reading car with library, a shower bath, excellent lavatories, and electric light and refrigerator worked from the engine. What more does man want. To return to South America. Rio de Janeiro is only a few miles north of Capricorn, and old seafaring men I have met. and men of some standing, too, have told me that they consider the harbour there quite as good as the one in N.S.W. I hear and read so much about. However, Australia isn't half a bad place, even if it has its little fads. A little learning is a dangerous thing, and often a little money is equally upsetting to one who has not been accustomed to the glory of a banking account, the possession of a cheque-book in such cases often producing the disease known as swelled head. There is a family in Melbourne the father of whom suffered from this complaint some time back, and his daughters contracted the disease in a much more severe form. Accustomed to occupy a very humble position in life, paterfamilias managed to steer himself' into the waters of comparative wealth, the sort which enabled him to take a trip Home with his daughters, first-class Orient boat, with plenty odd cash for tips and lemon squashes on board. After being veneered by foreign travel and a book of "What’s What,” they again set forth for their native land, filled with pride and self importance, having wiped their humble but virtuous past off the slate. On the steamer they were too elegant for words, and openly kept travellers at a distance who seemed to lack distinction; but luckily not Jonah but Nemesis was on that ship, in the person

of a tall, dark,-quiet young man. and one tropic evening, when the "parveniies” took their ease, they chanced to sit near the dark young man. on whom they promptly turned their backs. So ho slowlv asked papa if he had forgotten

him. to which he received the cold reply that he did not think he ever had the honour of knowing the intruder. ' ‘ Pardon,” said the latter, ‘‘l knew- you when you were a stevedore at Williamstown.” There was silence on the deek, and then the old boy faltered. “I, think you are mistaken.” ‘‘Oh, no," • said Nemesis cheerfully, ‘‘l am So-and-So, and used to pay you your weekly wages.” From then on the tall, dark avenger could have had free drinks every day had he so wished — shouted by the delighted passengers. J* In his latest book. ‘‘The Call of the South,” Mr Louis Beeke (who has just returned to his old South Pacific haunts), has some remarkable instances to relate of the rein given to primitive savage instincts. Here is one typical story: — ‘‘The nigger cook was really a devout Roman Catholic, but his seaman’s soul revolted at their cowardice, and he so far lost his temper as to seize a Portuguese by his black curly hair, throw him down, tear open his shirt, and seize a leaden effigy of St. Jago do Compostella which lie wore "round his neck and thrust it into his mouth. In after years I saw Captain ‘Bully’ Hayes do the same thing, also with a Portuguese sailor ; but Hayes made the man actually swallow the little image, after he had rolled it into a rough ball, saying that, if St. James was so efficient to externally protect the wearer from dangers of the sea, he could do it still better in the stomach, where lie (the saint) would feel much warmer."