Anecdotes and Sketches

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLI, Issue 12, 16 September 1908, Page 45

Anecdotes and Sketches

./ PRIMA FACIE EVIDENCE. Ezekiel, a Florida darkey, had no stocking*. so the night before Christmas he hung his trousers in the chimney of the tumble-down shack that he calls home. Christmas morning a northern lady, calling at the cabin with some presents for the family, was greeted by Ezekiel’s doleful face protruding from a narrow opening in the door. After wishing him a merry Christmas, the lady asked him what presents he had received. ‘Ah reckon Ah must have got er nigger,” said Ezekiel. “Mali pants is gone.” + * ♦ CUTTING. A meek-looking young man with a large pasteboard box climbed on the car. As he did so he bumped slightly into a sleepy, corpulent passenger with a selfsatisfied look and two little dabs of sidewhiskers. As the car rounded a curve the box rubbed against him again and he growled: “This is no freight car, is it?” “Nope,” returned the meek little chap with the box, “and when you come right down to it, it aint any cattle car either, is it?” ♦ ♦ ♦ NOT GUILTY. Royal namfs for hotels are sometimes the cause of peculiar misunderstandings. An aged fanner decided to make a visit to Toronto. It was the first time he had been at a city station and when a hotel crier hurried to him with the interrogation, “ King Edward?” the newcomer simply smiled as he answeredNo sir —Thomas Cox of Eramosa.”

GETTING EVEN. When Charles Dickens was in Washington he met one morning on the steps of the Capitol a young congressman from Tennessee whom the great novelist had offended by his bluntness. That morning Dickens was in great humour. “I have,” he said, " found an almost exact counterpart of Little Nell.” “Little Nell who? " queried the Tenneeseean. Dickens looked him over from head to foot, and from foot to head before he answered, “ My Little Nell.” “Oh,” said the Tennessean, “ I didn’t know you had your litle daughter with you. “I am speaking of the Little Nell of my story, ‘ The Old Curiosity Shop,’ sir,” retorted Dickens, flushing. “ Oh! ” said the imperturbable Tennesseean, “ you write novels, do you? Don’t you consider that a rather trifling occupation for a grownup man? ” + ♦ »■ HIS MESSAGE. Up in the Waikato there lives a young farmer whose sense of humour failed him on his wedding day. lie lived then at some distance from his bride-elect. On the eventful day he set off for the station betimes, but he met one friend after another, with the result that he missed his train. Naturally, he was very much upset, and'bethought himself of the telegraph. This was the message lie sent: “Don’t marry till I'come.—William.” THE COMING ELECTIONS. -“What do you think of the two candidates?” asked one elector. “What do I think of them?” was tlie reply. “Well, when I look at them I’m thankful only one of them can get in.”

A GOOD SOLDIER. Denis was an Irishman and «• soldier. One night he was on guard on the Iteach of an island where his regiment was quartered. Two hours after he had been stationed the corporal with the relief appeared in the moonlight, and was astonished to see Denis walking to and fro up to his waist in the water. The tide had come in. “Who goes there?” demanded the sentry. ‘■Relief,” answered the corporal. “Halt, relief! Advance, corporal, and give the countersign.” “But I am not coming in there to be drowned. Come out and let me relieve you.” “Nivir a bit.” said Denis. “The liftenant tould me not to lave me post.” “Well, then,” said the corporal, starting to move away, “you may stay there all night.” “Halt!” thundered the sentry. “I'll put a hole in ye if ye pass without the countersign. Them's me orders from the liftenant," and he cocked and levelled his rifle. “Hush up!” answered the corporal. “Everybody will hear me if I bawl it out to you." “Yia, me darling, and the liftenant said it must be given in a whisper. In with ye; me finger’s on the trigger.” There was nothing for the corporal to do but to wade out to where the faithful sentinel stood. “It's well ye’ve come!" said that worthy. “The tide has a’most drowned me.” ♦ ♦ ♦ DIVIDED AFFECTION. “Keep looking young, don’t you, old man? It must be a fine thing to be married, like you are. Here I am, an old bach., with not a single woman I can say loves me, while you have a beautiful wife oil to yourself—one who concentrates all her love and affection on you!” “Hold on, old fellow! I know I’m married to a woman with beauty and full of love and affection; but you want to remember she has two pet poodles besides me.”

WAKING SURE. The lawyer was drawing up Enpeek’n ■will. " I hereby bequeath all my property to my wife." dictated Knpeek. "Got that down?” “Yes,” answered the attorney. “ Ou condition,” continued Knpeek, that she marries in a year.” "5 But why that condition?’* asked the man of law. “ Because,” answered the meek and lowly testator, “ I want somebody to be sorry that 1 died.” ♦ ♦ ♦ IN SEARCH OF INFORMATION. One evening last summer, on the farm, a slum child was enjoying bis first glimpse of pastoral life. The setting sun gilded the grass and flowers of the oldfashioned garden, and on a little stool he sat, under a tree, bent with its load of ripe peaches, beside the cook, who was plucking a chicken. He watched that plucking operation gravely for some time. Then he said: “Do ye take off their clothes every night, loidy?” ♦ * ♦ A LARGE AUDIENCE. A Mormon's wife, coming downstairs one morning, met the physician who WM attending her husband. “Is he very ill?” she asked anxiously. "He is,” replied the physician. "I fear that th* end is not far oil." "Oo you think,’* she asked hesitatingly, "do you thinW it proper that I should lie at his bedside during his last moments?” "Yes. But 1 advise you to hurry, madam. Th< best places are already being taken.”