Anecdotes and Sketches

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLI, Issue 10, 2 September 1908, Page 50

Anecdotes and Sketches

' SOMEWHAT DIFFERENT. “After the crash,” imparted the first hospital surgeon to the second. “I ran over to where it lay on the pavement; mid when 1 raised it up I saw at once that its ribs were smashed, while a gaping hole was torn in its ” ‘"Pardon me, doctor,” broke in the medical student, who had caught these "words as he was about to pass by into the consumptive ward ; ‘"but if you have no, objections.* I’d like to take a few notes on'that accident case." He pulled out his note book from his pocket. "Was the' ease a child?" “No,’’ the surgeon informed him. to his embarrassment. “1 was speaking of my umbrella.” t * PRUDENCE. !A tall man, impatiently pacing the platform of a wayside station, accosted a boy of about twelve. “S-s-say," lie said, “d-d-do y-you know h-h-hoiv late this train is?” The boy grinned, but made no reply. ■The man stuttered out something about kids in general and passed into the stall ion. A stranger asked the boy why he hadn't answered the big man. “D-d-d’ye wanter to see me g-g-get me fa-fa-face punched? D-d-dat big g-guy’d Vink I was mo-mo-mocking him.” ♦ 4- ,-F THE REAL REASON'. aliat midsummer days are the longest in the year is because heat expands : That criminals weigh less than moral ■men, is because they’re light lingered; That a man swears at a dull razor, is because the' pesky thing lost its temper first; That roses are referred to as “blushing.’’ is because they are properly ashamed of the prices they bring: That the army of unemployed is not decreasing. is because its members want too many afternoons off a week: That the present day aero clubs are considered so exclusive, is because the members necessarily all move in the upper circles. 4-4-4: ■MISTAKEN HONOUR. Mr. Lucy tells the following story in his "Memories”: —Two visitors at Nice, cutting short their stay by dying, were committed to tiie charge of the same undertaker. One was a lady from London, the other a General high in command an the 'Russian army. The bodies, duly coffined, were dispatched to their destination. one to Ixmdon. the other to St. (Petersburg. On the arrival of the former the bereave! relatives, opening the coffin in order to obtain a last view of •the lamented aunt, were amazed at the discovery of a General in full uniform. They telegraphed to the undertaker at "Nice, who, with many apologies for the mistake, sent them the name and address of the General’s friends in .St. Petersburg. They communicated full particulars without lu-s of time and received the following reply:—■ "Your aunt was buried to-day with full military honours. Disjiose of the General a» you see tit." Henry, 4- 4- 4TIIE FUNNY MAN. Yeaia ago Mark Twain used to be fond of telling this story: — At the dinner table one day there waj a party of guests for whom Mark was doing his bv-t in the way of entertainment. A lady turned to the daughter of the humorist, then a litle girl, and Baid: “Your father is a very funny man.’’ ‘ Yes,” responded the child: “when we have company!"

DIVERS DISEASES. “What," inquired the Sunday school teacher of her youthful pupils, “what are divers diseases?” Bashful or ignorant, the scholars clung tenaciously to the doctrine that little boys should be seen and not heard. “Come,” pursued the teacher, “can’t any of you tell me?” Then Johnnie’* arm shot up. “Well?" asked the teacher. "Please, Miss,” answered Johnnie, “water on the brain.” 4 4-4-BADLY SOLD. (She was shopping in one of the big stores, when her eye fell on a remarkably green plant. “Will it flourish in the sunshine?” she inquired of the shop assistant avith a sharp scrutinising glance. ‘"Yes, madam," was . the courteous response. “Don’t say it will if it won’t,” said she severely. “If it wants .plenty of sun, I suppose it will fade and die in the shade?” “0h,.n0, madam!” “What!” she' exclaimed with a triumphant now-I’ve-caught-you air. “You tell me it will flourish equally well in sun or shade. Ridiculous! A remarkably accommodating plant, I must say. Aly good man. why it's a perfectly unnatural plant——” “Exactly, madam,” interrupted the floral expert. “It is unnatural; an artificial plant, in fact.” USELESS KNOWLEDGE. In one of the city public schools tueiv is a little girl pupil who is .well up in most of her-slu'dies, but she has an inveterate dislike for geography, and it seems ’ impossible to teach the study to her. The other day her teacher made impatient, sent to Rosie’s mother a neto requesting her to see that the girl studied her lesson. The next day showed no improvement, however. “And did your mother read the note, Rosie?” said the teacher. “Yes, ma’am," was the reply. "What did she say?” “My mother said that she didn’t know geography an’ she got married, an' my aunt didn’t know geography an’ she got married, an’ you know' geography an' vou didn't get married!” TEARS DID IT. Airs Hardcastle had her suspicions of the milk,‘fed she complained to her dairyman. "Short of grass feed, mum, this time o’ year,” explained the jocular tradesman.- “Bless you, them cows of mine am j ust. as sorry about it as lam myself. J often stands and watches ’em cryin’—reg’lar cryin', mum, because they feel as how their milk don’t do ’em credit. Don’t you believe it!” "Oh. yes, 1 believe it,” said the lady; ‘ but I wish iu future you’d .see they don’t drop their tears into our can.”