The Club Smoking Room

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLI, Issue 8, 19 August 1908, Page 4

The Club Smoking Room

By

HAVANA

THE visit of the Fleet,” commenced the cynic, “has given the gentlemen of the pen a unique opportunity of indulging in gush and weirdly descriptive writing. Some enthusiast suggested that all our men folk should wear trousers with stars and stripes and small American Hags. It was a pretty idea. The women might have worn eagles in their hats. This v ould have given them a chance to indulge their taste fo rthe fantastic in head-gear to their heart’s content. I certainly think the proposal that we should have had an exhibition of Early Britons in their eoracles and their charming costume of blue woad an excellent one, and I’m sorry it fell through. It would have been extremely popular.” © © © “A race between the coracles and the Maori canoes would have been distinctly exciting,” replied the journalist, “and would have lent itself to what you describe as weirdly descriptive writing. Some of the sailors from the Powerful might have been asked to organise it; this would have brought them more prominently before the public. Admiral Poore's letter of congratulation dwells on the great pleasure felt by the officers and men of the British Navy at merely having been included in the reception given to the Americans. How much more pleasure they would have felt had they been made the main spectacular featlire of the reception. As is was, the Jack Tars were kept rather in the background. I suppose we felt that we could always see our own men, but the American was something new. Admiral Sperry might have said. ‘The Poore ye have always with you, but me ye have not always.’ ” Jit "Talking of the Early Britons,” said the lawyer, “reminds me of rather a good yarn I heard about a learned English professor. He was a great authority on primitive man, and wrote a very laborious and exceedingly dry treatise on the habits and costumes of our forebears. The covet was embellished with a beautiful representation in bright gold of an early married couple of the Stone Age attired in the primitive costume of Adam and Eve before the Fall. He sent a copy to Professor Huxley, who wrote to thank him for his very able essay, and added that he had especially admired the really excellent likeness of the author and the author’s wife which adorned the cover.” © © © The worthy padre seemed to deem it prudent to bring the conversation back to more modern times .and so he produced a copy of the “North American Review,” and asked if any of us had read the article about the Fleet. On our assuring him that we had not seen it he gave us the. following extract, and tusked us our opinion of it:—“England has never had in the Pacific a fleet for a moment comparable to that which within the year will flyx the Stars and Stripes in Australian waters. Not only is this true, but in view of the necessity of maintaining strong naval forces in the North Sea, the British Channel and the Mediterranean, the British Government never can afford to send for the defence of Australia so many battleships as we have now assembled in the Pacific. Howcan the visit of the American armada fail to plant in the Australian heart a feeling that hereafter she should look for a champion, not to Britain, but to the United States?” © © © “I don’t fancy.” replied the politician, “that we shall go quite as far as that; but I think we ehall learn the rvalue of a strong American alliance from the recent visit. The Japan-

ese alliance is already of doubtful value. Japan has incurred the deep-rooted enmity of both China and Russia; she is deeply in debt and her people are taxed to the very limit of endurance. Then if we persist in our policy , of alien exclusion, and I think we must do so if we would preserve race purity, it is hard to see how our new found friendship for the Asiatic is going to stand the strain. The Americans are our own kith and kin, and should never have been separated from us. They are part and parcel of the British race, and if our race could be once more united we could, I am convinced, lick creation.” © © © “The British Government,” remarked the dominie, “is finding its two power standard a very severe drain on its resources. The old age pensions and other schemes for relieving distress will cost the country, something like sixteen million a year in the way of extra taxation. The Cabinet 'has suggested reducing the cost of armaments, but this has been so severely criticised that most members have had to abandon the proposal. The men of wealth are already taxed almost out of existence by income tax and death duties; any further squeezing of the fat man would extinguish him altogether. The only possible way of raising revenue is by some form of Protection. Free Trade is doomed, and it 'has been killed by Its most eannest supporters. The byelections all tell the same tale. The country insists on tariff reform, and the prodigality of the present Government has wrought the change.” d* dt “I believe,” put in a Civil Service member, “that the whole system of old age pensions as at present administered is radically wrong and bad. The pension should be universal and based on compulsory contributions. Our method is a distinct discouragement to thrift. People say that if they try and save they will be debarred from the benefits of the Act, so they make no effort to provide for themselves, and they become a burden on the thrifty members of the community. Again, there is always the risk of abuse of the scheme for political or party purposes. In England, especially, there will be a great temptation to raise the amount, or lower the age and standard of qualifications, in order to gain the popular vote. ' We want a universal scheme of superannuation, not a dole served out as charity.” - d* d* “Of course,” answered the padre, “there is a great deal in what you say, But you have got to remember that there are a great number of genuine and deserving poor who have never been in a position to make any provision for their old age. I do not think that we should neglect them. We ought, however, to do all in our power to encourage people to provide for themselves, and the Government might well use their unrivalled opportunities in the matter of securing safe and profitable investments for the savings of the people so as to enable us to have a wise and liberal scheme of universal pensions. Those who cannot contribute full rates might be subsidised.” "I presume,” added the cynic, “that the Quackery Prevention Bill will considerably add to the cost of our old age pensions. The number of people who die young through taking quack nostrums must be enormous. Now that they are to be stopped from naming their poison, they will probably live to a ripe old age, and draw the Government bounty. It is wonderful what people will swallow in the way of quack medicines and quack

political speeches. Humbug is the ou« royal road to success in a democracy. Most people seem to consider that an utter lack of any qualifications for diagnosing and treating disease confers upon the owner some mysterious and occult power of curing every ailment under the sun. A mam has only to possess profound ignorance and unbounded assurance to persuade the majority of men that he is a heaven-sent genius and a worker of miracles.” b *• “When the enterprising burglar goes a-burgling,’’ suggested the journalist, “it will be well for him to wear gloves, or take other precautions against leaving finger prints, which may lead to his de, tection and conviction. Last .year, I see, no fewer than 7000 impressions were taken by the police, and over 100 persons claiming to be first offenders had their memories refreshed by these indisputable proofs of previous sojourns in His Maj, esty’s gaols. Housebreakers were foolish enough to leave tell-tale marks on no less than 49 different articles, and 12 offenders were traced and convicted by these means. The system, I understand, works admirably, and it is a greater terror to the evildoer than any amount of electric bells, burglar alarms, or night watchmen by which the average citizen seeks to safeguard his property.”