Humourous Paragraphs

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XL, Issue 20, 13 May 1908, Page 42

Humourous Paragraphs

Contributed by “ Graphic ” Readers.

OLD NICK WENT DRY. A well-meaning prohibitionist was passing the Waiteniata one day, when he saw a burly navvy about to enter the hotel. The gentleman stopped him, saying. in a tone of kindly remonstrance: "The devil himself, my man, is beside you, and will enter with you.’’ “Faith, he needn’t," was the ready reply. “I’ve only the price of one whisky.” ' <S> <•> <S> LIKELY TO SLIT. A settler from the neglected North came to the city for the Easter races. Before leaving home he promised to bring his daughter a present, so he went into a Queen-street jewellers’ shop and said to the assistant: "I want a pair of hearings, cheap, but purt.y. They’s fur a present.” "Something a trifle loud, I suppose!” asked the jeweller. “Well, I wouldn't mind if one of ’em was a bit loud, mister,” replied hayseed, "my daughter is deaf in one ear.” <s> <®> <S> A TALL STORY. A cabin boy on board one of our coasting cutters was put in an empty waterbarrel for disobeying orders. He had only the bunhole to breathe through. On the following night the vessel was wrecked on Rangitoto Reef. All hands were drowned except himself. The cask floated when the vessel struck, fortunately “bung up”; and after drifting up and down the harbour for some time was eventually stranded in Hobson’s Bay. The boy made desperate efforts to free himself. At last, being quite worn out, he lay down to die. Some cows wandering along the beach were attracted to

the barrel, and on switching their tails about one dropped in the bunghole. This the boy grasped, and held on with all his strength. The cow objected to this treatment, and started for home, kicking all the way. The tail held on; so did the boy. On reaching the stockyard the cask struck against a gate-post, and was smashed to pieces, the boy jumping out like a “Jack in the box,” to the astonishment of a number of cowboys. <s> <s> <s> ROUGH ON DAD. Dear Miss, —Our Johnny won’t be at school to-day, as he’s gone wiv his farver to act as timekeeper. They- started at three o’clock this morning, an’ Dad said he’d finish the some in one day if he could, though it would be very hard goin’. Dear Miss, it ain’t fair to give a lad a some like this: —“If the avenue is 1.1 miles long, how long will it take a man to walk that distance 25} times, his average rate of progress being 3J miles an hour?” Johnny ain’t a man yet. an’ as Dad’s the only man in this house, he had to go. Dear Miss, next time you want any information, please make it “woman,” so’s I can find out for you, an’ Dad can go to his work.—Y’ours truly, Jemima Jones. «><s><s> WHAT HE LEARNED. Auntie (to little Tommy, who has returned from his first day at school) : “What did you learn?” Tommy: “Didn’t learn anything.” Aimtie: “What did you do?” Tommy: “Didn’t do anything. There was a woman there who wanted to know how to spell ‘eat,’ and I told her.”

QUITE APPLICABLE. A story is told of a gentleman who is an unusually large man, very tall and stout. Finding himself stranded in a little town alsnit 75 miles from Birmingham one night, with no train going to that place, and being very anxious to reach there by eleven o’clock, he wired to an express train down the line to stop for him. “We stop for officials only,” eanie the answer. Quick as a flash went the second telegram : “Will you stop for a large party ?” “Yes,” was the reply, and the long express slowed up and stopped when it reached the little town, and the gentleman complacently stepped aboard. “Where is the large party ?” inquired the guard, with wide-open, astonished eyes, as he gazed about the empty station. “Don’t you think I’m large enough ?” chuckled the delighted new passenger. . The guard glared, then burst into a hearty laugh, as the fitness of the application burst upon him. ■s><?> <t> THE PORTER’S ANSWER. A fidgety old gentleman at a railway station was terribly afraid that he would lose the run of his trunk, and constantly worried the busy porter about it as follows :— “Porter, be sure that my trunk is safe.” A moment later: “Porter, don’t forget my trunk.” Shortly after: “Porter, now are you quite sure that my trunk is safe?” The porter answers: “Arrah, and be jabbers it’s a pity you wasn’t an elephant instead of an ass, and then you would always have your trunk under your nose.” <S> ❖ A PREHISTORIC FISHING YARN. “This is hard luck,” said Ham, ruefully, as he leaned over the side of the ark. “What’s wrong now?” asked Shem. "Why, all this water to fish in, and only two fishing worms on board.”

THE HIGHLANDER’S HORSH. ’ A Highlander. was once obliged to go to Glasgow upon business, and, among other wonderful things which he saw. there was an earthen jar in a shop window. He inquired what this unknown article might be, and was told that it was a mare’s egg, which, if placed beside the fire during the winter, would certainly produce a foal the ensuing spring. The price was moderate, and the Highlander purchased it, setting out home on his way rejoicing. Being tired, he sat down on a heathery bank, placing the mare’s egg beside him; but, alasli it rolled down the bank, and, striking a rock, was shivered to atoms. A hare crouching alongside, started up and sprang off at full speed. The Highlander, gazing in agony at his lost treasure, exclaimed with a groan: “What a horse he would have been! Hooeh; it he was but twa year- auld. Sawton himself could not catch him!” <®> <S> <S> HOW HE LIVED. A magistrate, who had been inquiring of a man as to his way of earning a living, turned to another and said, “How do YOU do?” “Very well, thank you, and I hope your Worship is well.” “No levity,” said the magistrate, “but attend to what I am saying.” I wish to know how you get your bread ?” “Generally from the baker’s cart, but sometimes I go to the shop for it.” “No! No! my man; you quite misunderstand me. Now, take the trouble to listen to this simple question: ‘How —do—you—live ?’ ”

“Pretty comfortably, your Worship; generally a joint and a pudding for dinner.”