Anecdotes and Sketches

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XL, Issue 19, 6 May 1908, Page 53

Anecdotes and Sketches

HE SCORED. A writer tells this story of his college days:—lt relates to a negro gardener, a jolly fellow, "with whom the boys used to have considerable sport. Sometimes, however, he would prove too much for them with his repartee. One day in spring, Sambo had been burning the college green, in order to get rid of the old withered grass. A young fellow tame along, and thinking to have some fun, shouted —- “Say, there, Sambo, you ought not to burn that stuff.” “Why?” inquired Sambo. "Because,” replied the other, “it’ll make that grass as black as you are. “Well, massa,” retorted Sambo, “dot’s all right—yes, dat’s all right. Never you fear, dat ’ere grass’ll come up again and be as green as.you are!” 4 4 4 WHAT HE WISHED TO KNOW. A wealthy American gentleman, who had leased a Scottish mansion for a few months, was visited the other day by toe local shoemaker in connection with a, business transaction. The latter, observing a set of golf sticks reposing in a brand new bag, remarked — “I see yon play gowf, sir?” “Oh, I have played the game for years, Do you play?” “No, sir. I never even saw a game played.” “Well, I’m just going down to the links, if you care, you can walk round the course with me.” The shoemaker readily agreed, and when they reached the links the Yankee made a nice eeetee upon which to set his ball. Then, taking a mighty swing, he missed. “Graund game, gowf, sir,” commented the shoemaker. Arioher swing, and miss. “Capital! Splendid!” f:o:n the cobbler. Vet another swing, and another miss. “Man, it’s simply, magnificent!” explained the man of leather. “But what’s that wee ba’ for?” 4 4 4 DROWNING IN STATE. Graf Finkenstein, who was very proud of his lineage, fell from the HamburgAmerican liner into the sea. “Man overboard!” shouted a sailor who had seen him disappear. The passengers rushed to the taffrail. But when the German rose above the surface he shook his fist. “What do you mean with your “ Man overboard’?” he yelled. “Graf Hermann von Finkenstein, Duke of Suabia, and Prince of the Holy Roman Empire, is overboard!” Then, having demonstrated that pride of great birth eannot bequenehed, he murmured “Hoch!” three times, and sank. THE BETTER PART OF VALOUR. “Heinz! Heinz!” whispered Mrs Wienerschnitzel. ’“Wake np! There’s a. burglar downstairs! I hear him!” Heinz was out of bed in an instant. “Ifist!” said Heinz. Quietly he slipped on his shoes and trousers and stole softly from the room. The minutes flowed away. The wife, listening intently, heard nothing. At last anxiety overcame fear. She crept to the stairway, leaned over the balustrade, and called: “Heinz!” • ■£. v “Well, what is it?” replied her husband’s voice. It came not from below, but from above. "What on earth,” said Mrs Wienersehnitzel, "are you doing up in the attic?” “Why,” whispered Heinz, “didn’t you Say the burglar was downstairsf”

STRICT OBEDIENCE. Mrs. Flint always demanded instant and unquestioning obedience from her children. One afternoon a storm came up and she sent her son John to close the trapdoor leading to the roof. “But, Mother ” said John. “John, I told you to shut the trapdoor.” “Yes, but Mother ” “John, shut that trapdoor.” “All right, Mother, if you say so, but ” “John!” John slowly climbed the stairs, and shut the trapdoor. The storm howled and raged. Two hours later the family gathered for tea. When the meal was half over Aunt Mary had not appeared, and Mrs. Flint started an investigation. She did not have to ask many questions; John answered the first one. “Please, Mother, she is up on the roof.” 4 4 4 A NASTY ONE. An old country gentleman, returning home rather late, discovered a yokel with a lantern under his kitehen who, when asked his business there, stated that he had only come a-courting. “Come a what ?” said the irate gentleman. “A-courting, sir. I’se courting Mary.” “The idea! What do you want a lantern for? I never used one when I was a young man.” “No, sir?” was the yokel’s reply; “I didn't think yer 'ad, judging by the missis.” 4 4 4 PAINFUL PHOTOGRAPHY. Self-consciously the sitter sat upon hisseat. “Just a leetle bit more this way,” said the photographer coaxingly. “So!” —and gave the unlucky sitter a nasty jab on the cheek with his elbow. “Ah!” he cried, as the sitter presumed to blink in an unguarded moment. “Now you’ve lost the pose. Throw back your head slightly—so! That’s better! If you could manage to look a trifle more agreeable—think your young lady’s present. Ha, ha! So! That’s it! Beautiful—beeootiful!” “Well, have I now got the pleasant expression you desire?” murmured the sitter, careful not to relax a musele. “Thank you!” said the artist-photo-grapher. “That will do nicely!” “Then hurry up!’ growled the sitter. “It hurts my face!” 4 4 4 SAME; BUT MORE OF IT. Sitting in a restaurant the other evening were two young women who had not met for four years. One Of them had grown stout and the other had admitted that she wouldn’t have recognised! her old friend under ordinary circumstances. They sat silently looking at each other for a moment, when the heavyweight inquired: “ What are you thinking about?” - “I was just trying to see whether your expression is just the same as it used to be,” said her friend. “Just the same.” the girl with the avoidupois declared. “ Only more of it.” 4 4 4 WELL AGAIN. A Scottish tradesman stepped into a barber's shop the other day, and, whilst he was being shaved the barber was wondering if this was a new customer. “ Have you ever been in here for a shave before?” asked the barber. “ Yes. once,” was the reply. “ But I do not remember your face, sir.” “ Wfn, 1 dare say ye don’t,” said tho customer, “ ye see, it's a’ healed up uoo.”