“Jones, Drive Your Fastest.”

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XL, Issue 7, 15 February 1908, Page 47

“Jones, Drive Your Fastest.”

“ It is high time that you have thought of getting married, my son,” said King Carnival. Prince Tee-to.-tum laughed: “ That reminds me of Thomas Tucker,” he said. The King frowned, for he deemed the remark irrelevant: “Not having the pleasure of that gentleman’s acquaintance, I fail to catch your meaning,” he said. Again the Prince laughed, and spun round three times on tiptoe before he answered. “ Does not your Majesty- remember the cake, and the dilemma Tucker was in which caused him to observe, - ‘How can I'cut* it without any knife? How can I marry without any wife?’ ” “ Hem! ” said the King, “there’s both rhyme and reason in what you advance; at the same time my opinion remains unaltered, and I repeat it is high time that you thought of getting married.” “All right,” agreed the obliging Prince; “but whom should I marry?” “That is your affair; there are plenty of ladies of rank, wealth and beauty only waiting to be asked.” “ Granted; now whom would your Majesty suggest ? ” “ The Princess Mellifua.” “Too ugly! ” answered the Prince. “Well, then, the Princess Tittle-tattle.” “Goodness! she would talk a horse’s hind-legs off! ” “ The Princess Volumnia.” “Fat and forty if she’s a day! ” “You are hard to please. What say you to the Princess Blue-stOcking? ” “Emphatically no! 1 positively couldn’t • stand a wiseacre! ” “ Then, I fear you will have to go farther afield and court a foreigner.” “Not half a bad idea!” commented the Prince; “ I shall see the world and have a wider choice,” The King rubbed his hands gleefully; “ I’ll gjye you letters of introduction,” said he, “ to various potentates with marriageable daughters. The Prime Minister shall’attend you-. You shall have plenty of £5 notes. - The court-tailor shall make you a brand-new suit, slashed doullef .'and hose covered with bows and gold buttons. The cuffs and ruffs shall be of old point lace. . Moreover, you shall have my second best gilt coach drawn by twelve white palfreys. Likewise a regiment of.gqards and a banner with a strange device. What ho!” and his Majesty quite out of breath, “ No, pardon me, I think not,” said the Prinee; “ theugh thankvi awfully. I pray you let me depart with the pomp ami circumstance of state. If I travel incog. I shall not be -O' likely to be deceived--by. ap|>earaiue.a. I shall not be.. Ilattyred and kidded t<|. | shall seo things as they really are; At the! sama time, those I's notes you kindly mentioned would mine in useful, also tho brand-new suit.”

“ Well,” said the King, “ I am bound to admit that you take a sensible view of the matter; it shall be as you say.” Whereupon the Prince went to hustle the Court tailor, and thereafter to pack his portmanteau. It was noon, when, four days later, he reached the last milestone in Carnivali. He sat ou the stone and ate an apricot pasty. “ And now,” said he, ” whither shall I wander, north, east or west?” As he was considering he heard distant music. He followed the sound, which led him to a wide moorland. There he saw an organ-grinder grinding out tunes from a barrel-organ. On the organ sat a monkey in a scarlet jacket; when its master twitched its chain it grimaced and capered. “What the dickens are you doing in this out-of-the-world place?” asked the astonished Prince. “I am trying to turn an honest penny.” “Well, here’s a penny, but -why don't you grind where folk will hear you?” “So I do; hasn’t your honour just given me a penny?”. “Here's another,” said the Prinee. “if you’ll tell me where this path leads.” “To Fools' Paradise, to be sure,” said th,3 organ-grinder; and went on with his grinding. The Prince followed the path until he came to a plate where the road forked'. Here he saw a little man with one foot in one path and one in the other. He was very red in the face from his tremendous exertions.

“What is the matter?” asked the Princj anxiously. “Can’t you see?” said the little man, blowing hard. “I’m trying to go both ways at once.” “Well,” remarked the Prince, “it will take you all your time! Can you direct me to Fools’ Paradise?” “Yes, along there, follow your nose.” On the outskirts of the town the Prince saw a man busily at work in his garden. He had dug a number of equidistant holes and in each lie put something. Tfie Prince watched him with curiosity. “May I inquire,” ho said, “what you are doing?” • “Planting sausages,” replied the man, rubbing his hands with satisfaction; “these are beef, look you, and yonder are pork, and yonder are potatoes; by-and-by, I expect a fine crop of sausages and mashed.” In the garden of a house further on was a cage containing an owl half asleep. A woman stood by singing “Home, sweet home,” while her husband stirred up the owl with a stick. “May I ask what you're doing?” said' the Prince. “We are teaching this fine bird to sing.” By-and-by the Prinee came to a steep hill, at its foot flowed a brook. Here a large crowd was gathered. 3ome had mops in their hands, some brooms, and they were sweeping the water vigorO’.’.s! y. The Prince put his usual question: ‘“What are you doing?” “We are trying to make this brook flow uphill,” they said. “There is nc l well and no water at the top, but when we get this stream up there the land will let like fun for building purposes, ’tis such an eligible site.” “Well, thought the Prince, “it is no use my looking for a wife in this Fools’ Paradise. Suppose I climb the hill and view the landscape o’er.” Up he went. A fine prospect lay at his feet, and there in the distance rose the lordly towers of a great castle. “Ah ha!” quoth the Prince, “thither will I wend my way.” On descending the hill he espied a signpost pointing “To the Land of Good Intentions.” “That looks promising,” said the Prince. It was a model road that led thither. After a milg A however, it left off abruptly, and the way was rutty, muddy and anything but good. The road of good intentions had been left incomplete. Hereabouts, the land was. too poor to produce anything but poppies. Such a mass of bright colours looked exceedingly brilliant, but then air was so

drowsy that the Prince had to pinch himself in order to keep awake. Further on he reached a river, and. a splendid bridge invited him to cross. But when he had advanced two-thirds of the way it left off abruptly; it was a bridge of good intentions which had not been finished. The Prince managed to throw his portmanteau on to the further shore, then a run and a long jump landed him beside it, and he pursued his way without further adventure. The castle presented a curious appearance. It was built with good intentions at the start. The front was handpome and massive: but granite stones ,were succeeded by bricks, bricks by wood, and wood by pasteboard, so that a large part of the edifice was uninhabitable. The Prince advanced and gave a loud yat-tat. To his surprise the door was opened by a lovely Princess. He knew that she was a Princess because of her golden crown. “Allow me to introduce myself,” he said. “I am the Prince Tee-to-tum, though really I am travelling incognito,” and he bowed low. “How do you do, Prince? Won’t you please step inside? I am the Princess Forget-me-not. There is no one in but my father. We gave all our retinue a holiday with the best intentions and they haven’t returned yet. However, dinner won’t be ready for an hour. Meanwhile, I daresay you will like a wash and brush up after your journey.” So the Prince retired to a robing room and donned his brand-new slashed doublet and hose. Then he guessed from the trampling of feet and tile neighing of chargers that the retinue had returned. He was right in his conjecture, and presently the boom of a cannon announced, that dinner was ready. The Princess introduced the Prince to the King, who graciously welcomed him by saying, “We are right glad to see jthee. We hope that thou art going strong. Also, Prince, we pledge thee in this beaker of sparkling wino.” And the Princess murmured softly, *llave. yon seen the Shah?” So the Prince could not feel but quite Jit home. Towards the end of dinner it chanced that a wasp settled on the bald pate of the Prime Minister, who sat next to the Prince. The King was quick to observe it, and whispered, “Don't move Prime!” Then he struck at the insect with the carving knife. His aim, however, was not quite, accurate, for, instead of slaying the wasp, he sliced off the Prime Minister’s head. “Alas!” cried the King, “how singularly unfortunate! Yet, our intention was good. We must get up. a subscription for the family of the late lamented; pass round his hat.” The Prince stayed at the castle for a fortnight, and every hour he stayed he Jell deeper and deeper in love with the Princess, and she witli him. One day he pressed her hand and said, “My heart beats pit-a-pat alone for thee; say, peerless Princess, wilt thou marry me?” 'Die Princess blushed, and said “Yes,” with a happy sigh. She added, “While wild winds blow, and rapid rivers run, I’ll love thee, my beloved Tee-to-tum.” Then she said: “Alas, Prince, my father will never sanction our union, for he has promised me to the Emperor of Timbucioo.” “Our duty is dear, then,” said the Prince, “we must elope.” The Princess clapped her hands: “How romantic!” she cried. “Can you rely on any of your minions?” asked the Prince anxiously. The. Princess considered. “Jones, the coachman, and Tomkinson. the footman, are devoted to me. iSo if you, dearest Love, will order the carriage, I, meanwhile, will get ready.” The Prince thereupon hade the trusty Jones and Tomkinson harness the fleetest emails in the Royal stables to the Beanhell coach. Then the Princess appeared looking lovelier than ever. The lovers got into the coach, the coachman ami footman mounted to the box, and off they went tantivy. They had not gone far when the Princess looked back; “Alas!” she cried, “wd are pursued!” “Jones,” ordered the Prince, “drive, your fastest; a pension for life to you and Tomkinson if we outstrip yon snailman.” On they went, the coach swaying fearfully; the Princess dung to him and he to the vehicle, until they reached •thn poppy-grounds. Here, as ill-luck would have it, one of the snails was overpowered with desire to slumber, and retired

into its shell. Coachman and footman vainly tried to rouse it. Meanwhile, an irate parent was drawing perilously near; “We hereby command and empower ye to yield yourselves unto our clemency!” he shouted. But Tee-to-tum was undismayed, he boldly rose to the occasion. “Courage,” he cried to his half-fainting companion: then leaping from the coach, “Give me your hand,” he said. “And you, Jones, unharness the snail that is awake! Mount dearest Forget-me-not, and I will run by your side. Papa is so stout that •we ought to be able to out-distance him easily.” The Prince’s courage infused new hope into the terrified Princess; “Hold my smelling salts to the snail’s nose, it will help to keep it awake,” she said with admirable presence of mind. “A capital idea!” cried the Prince. Again they urged their wild career, and soon lost sight of their pursuer. They neared the river and the unfinished bridge. “Can you swim?” asked Tee-to-tum anxiously. “There is no occasion,” replied the Princess, “if we turn to the right we shall come to a ferry.” Oh, how joyful they were when they found themselves on the other side of the river! You may be sure that the Prince lost no time in getting a special license and leading his bride to the Altar; ‘After the ceremony was over who should appear but the organ-grinder, grinding out on. his barrel-organ a wedding march. “Now, 1 call that a coincidence,” remarked the Prince as he felt in his pocket for a nimble sixpence. The bride drew his attention to the flags floating half-mast high. He asked who was dead. “His Majesty, the Emperor of Timbuc* too.” “Well,” remarked the Prince, “it is an ill wind that blows no one any good! Papa-in-law will now be reconciled!” And so, indeed, he was. “Long live Tee-to-tum and Forget-me-not!” shouted the populace; “Hip—;hip -—hurrah! ”