MR, DOOLEY ON THE JAP

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXIX, Issue 5, 3 August 1907, Page 38

MR, DOOLEY ON THE JAP

" Mr. Dooley ” makes some amusing comments on the friction existing between the States and Japan, which have an added point in view of the graver tension of feeling since they were written. tie introduces the subject with the visit of General Kuroki to Chicago: Did ye go to see th' Japs whin they were here?” asks Mr. Dooley. “ I did not,” says Mr. Hennessy. “ Nor I,” said Mr. Dooley. “ I was afraid to. They’re a divvle iv a sinsitive people thim Japs. Look cross-eyed at thini an’ they’re into ye’er hair. I stayed away fr’m th’ stock yards whin me frind Gin’ral Armour was phowin’ Gin’ral Kroky some rale slaughter. I don't dare to go down there f’r fear I’d involve this fair land iv ours in war. Supposin’ th’ haughty little fellow was to see me grinnin’ at him. A smile don’t seem th' same thing to an Oryental that it is to us ( owcassians. He might think 1 was insultin' him. * Look at that fellow makin’ faces at me,’ says he. ‘He ain't makin’ faces at ye/ says th’ Mayor. ‘ That’s th’ way he always looks.’ ‘Thin he must have his face planed down,’ says Kroky. ‘lf he don't I’ll appeal to th’ McAdoo and he’ll divastate this boasted raypublic iv ye’ers/ he says, * fr'm sea to sea/ he says. So 1 stayed away. F’r a moment th’ peril is over.

“ But it won’t be f’r long. Ivry mornin' I pick up me pa-apcr with fear an’ threnxllin’. War with Japan is immynint. ’ Tokyor, June five.—Th’ whole nation is wild with excitement over th’ mist bleat ment iv a Japanese in Los Angeles, an' unless an apology is forthcoinin' it will be difficult f’r th’ governmint to prevint th' navy fr'm shootin’ a few things at ye. Th' people iv America shud know that they ar’re at th' brink iv war. A corryspondint iv th’ Daily Saky. who worruks in an old porcylain faethry in Maine, writes that this famous subjick iv th' McAdoo, whose name has escaped him but who had a good job in a livery stable in Tokyo before he was sint on a mission to th’ American people to sec what he Cud get. wint into an all-night icsthrant an' demanded his threaty rights, which •r-re that th’ waiter was to tuck his napkin into his collar and th' bartinder Qjust play ‘Nippon th’ Gloryous ’ on a jnouth organ. Onforchiniti ly th’ pro-

prietor iv th’ place, a man be th’ name iv Scully, got hold iv a copy iv th’ threaty with Sweden, with th’ sad result that he give th’ subjick iv th’ McAdoo th’ wrong threaty rights. He hit him over th’ head with a bung-starter.

There is some relief in th’ situation tonight, based on th’ repoort that th’ Prisidint has sent an apology an’ has ordhered out th’ army to subjoo Scully.’ ‘ Th’ Impror held a meetin’ iv th’ Elder Statesmen tonight to discuss sindin’ a fleet to San Francisco to punish th’ neglect iv threaty rights iv th’ Jap’nese be. a sthreet-car conductor who wudden’t let a subjick iv th’ McAdoo ride on th’ Thirty-first sthreet line with an Ogden avenoo thransfer dated August, eighteen hundlier an’ siventy two.’ ‘ Th’ Prisidint has ordhered th’ arrest an’ imprisonmint iv a dentist in Albany who hurt a Jap nese whose tooth he was fillin’. He had raquisted th’ McAdoo to give us another chance before layin’ waste our land.’ ‘ Followin’ th’ advice iv th’ Jap’nese ambassadure f’r poor young Japs to marry rich American girls, a Jap’nese com by nation theological student an’ cook applied f’r th’ hand iv th’ daugh-

ter iv th’ boodin’-houee keeper where he was employed. He was able to limp to th’ Japn’ese Consul’s house, where he made a complaint to th’ Impror, who was an old frind iv his father. Th’ Prisidint has ordhered th’ lady to marry th’ Clink.”

“An’ so it goes. I’m in a state iv alarum all th’ time. In th’ good old days we wudden’t have thought life was worth livin’ if we couldn’t insult a foreigner. That’s what they were f’r. Whin I was sthrong, before old age deprived me iv most iv me pathritism an’ other infantile disordhers, I niver saw a Swede, a Hun, an Eyetalian, a Boohlbaryan, a German, a Fr-rinehman that I didn’t give him the shouldher. If ’twas an Englishman I give him th’ foot, too. Threaty rights, says ye? We give him th’ same threaty rights he’d give us —a dhrink an'a whack on th’ head. It seemed proper to us. If ’twas right to belong to wan naytionality, ’twas wrong to belong to another. If ’twas a man’s proud boast to be an American it was a disgrace to be a German an’ a joke to be a Fr-rinehman. An’ that goes now. Ye can bump anny foreigner ye meet but a Jap. Don't touch

him. He’s a live wire. Don’t think ye can pull his impeeryal hat down on his bold, up-curved nose. The’ first thing ye know ye’ll be what Hogan calls Casey's Bellows, an’ manny a peaceful village in Indyanny’ll be desthroyed f’r ye’er folly.”

“It's hard f’r me to think iv th’ Japs this way. But ’tis th’ part iv prudence. A few years ago 1 didn't think any more about a Jap thin about anny other man that’d been kept in th’ oven too long. They were all alike to me. But to-day, whiniver I see wan, 1 turn pale an’ take oft' me hat an’ make a low- bow. A few years ago an’ I’d bet I was good f’r a dozen iv thim. But I didn’t know how tur-rible a people they are. Their ships are th’ best in the wurruld. We think we’ve got good ships. The Lord knows I'm told they cost us enough, though I don’t raymimber ever payin’ a cent f’r wan. But a Jap’nese rowboat end knock to pieces th' whole Atlantic squadron. It cud so. They’re marvelous sailors. They use guns that shoot around th’ corner. They fire these here injines iv desthruction with a mysteeryous powdher made iv a substance on’y known to thini. It is called saltpetLer. These guns hurl projyctiles weighin’ eighty tons two thousand miles. On land they ar-re even more tur-rible. A Jap’nese sojer can march three hundhred miles a day an’ subsist on a small piece iv chew-

in* gum. Their ar-rmy have arrived aS sueh a perfection at th’ diffycult manoover known as th’ goose-step that they have made this awful insthrument ivi carnage th’ terror iv th’ armies iv Europe. As cav’lrymen they ar-re unexcelled* There is bh’y one horse in Japan, but

ivry Jap’nese sojer has lamed to rida him. To see wan iv their magnificent cav’ly rijments goin’ into action mounted! on Joko is a sight long to be raymimbered. “I sigh f’r th’ good old days befurtS we become what Hogan calls a wurruldpower.” “Sure, thim little fellows wud niver tackle us,” said Mr. Hennessy. “Th' likes iv thiml” .

“Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “ ’tis because they ar-re little ye’ve got to be polite to thim. A big man knows he don’C have to fight, but whin a man is little an’ knows he’s little, an’ is thinkin’ all th’ time he’s little an’ feels that ivrybody else is thinkin’ he’s little, look out f’r him.” f , The amusing illustrations are the work of a “San Francisco Bulletin” artist.