Anecdotes and Sketches

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 26, 29 June 1907, Page 31

Anecdotes and Sketches

Z TWO POINTS OF VIEW. > A junior barrister was hurrying across to the Law Courts when lie almost collided with a cab. The driver, who had pulled up with a jerk, pronounced his opinion in plain English about absentminded people. “Couldn’t you see the bloomin' ’oss?” Hie asked with withering sarcasm. “See him!” gasped the startled barrister, looking contemptuously at the animal between the shafts. Then he stepped onto the curb. “I didn't see your horse when I stood in front of him,” he added, “but I can see something when I look at him sideways!” ’• ♦ 4- ♦ MERELY A STOP-OVER. ■ . i As an express train was going through a station one of the passengers leaned too far out of the win-low, overbalanced, and fell out. lie, fortunately, landed on a 'sandheap, so that he did himself no great injury; but, with torn clothes, and not a few bruises, said to a porter, who was standing by: “ What shall I do? " “ You’re all right, mister," said the porter. “Your ticket allows you to break your journey." ♦ ♦ ♦ SEASONABLE. A facetious gentleman, who has suffered, thinks the modern recipe for a party is the following:— “ Take all the ladies and gentlemen you can get, put them into a room with a small fire, and stew them well; have ready a piano, a gramophone, and a pack of playing cards, and throw them in from time to time.” As the mixture thickens, sweeten with politeness and season with wit, if you have any; if.not, flattery will do as well. . .7 ‘ >5: ” ' ’’ ' “When all have; stewed for* an hour, add cake, lemonade, - and? wine.” - t ;- c ■ < r , JUDGMENT RESERVED. A newly-elected Justice of the Peace was much elated by his honors, but was not sure that he could carry them gracefully. So he haunted the court-house’ for weeks that he might gather up crumbs of wisdom from the judicial table of the higher station.- Finally he sat in judgment on his first case, and when the testimony was all in and the argument made, he said: “The Court takes this ease under consideration until next Wednesday morning, when it will render a verdict in favour of the defendant.” ♦ ♦ ♦ "“NO TROUBLE WHATEVER.” . An old railway manager related the following amusing anecdote: — ", Many years ago," he said, “ there was employed on n small railway with which I was connected an Irish foreman, who was noted for always doing exactly as he was told. “His work on the line necessitated the erection of a tool-house or cabin, which lie was told to have built half-way between’the twp-mile posts.

“ To get the half-way he stationed one of his men at one mile-post, and one at the other, and instructed them to walk towards each other until.they met. The point at which they met he took as the half way point, and erected the shanty. “‘.Then somebody pointed out- tjiat', ' as one of”the men was a tall, brisk fellow, and the other a short man with fa. shambling gait, the method he had adopted of arriving a if* the halfway point was not .very exact.' •” '

“ He was afihoyed. but did,nothing for some months, ami then he took an opportunity of consulting the company’s engineer, who happened to be in the neighbourhood... The engineer was an obliging fellow, and took measurements which showed that the tool cabin was.some COft fearer to one mile post than to the other. ; “ SdniifJ-Oino ’afterwards the 'engineer happened to meeCtlie Irishman, and ask&l if liis t-opl-house was now halfsway between _jUie ; mile posts.

“‘lt is. sor,' was the reply, ‘ exactly half-way.’ “ ‘ You had a good, deal of trouble in moving it. I suppose?’ “' No throuble whatever, sor. I didn't move it at all; 1 moved the mile-post! ’” CURING A CRITIC. The daughter of a certain statesman has a husband who is disposed to be critical. Most of his friends are men of great wealth who live extremely well, ami association with them has made him somewhat hard to please in the matter of cooking. For some time the tendency has been growing on him. Scarcely a meal at his home table passed without criticism from him. “What is this meant for?” he would ask after tasting an entree his wife had racked tier bi’ain to prepare. “What on earth is this?’-’ he would say when dessert came on. “Is this supposed to be salad?” he would inquire sarcastically when the lettuce was served. The wife stood it as long as she could. One evening, he.came home in a particularly captious humour. His wife was dressed in her most becoming gown and fairly bubbled over with wit. They .went in to dinner. The soup tureen was brought in. Tied to one handle ■was a card, and on that card the information in a big round hand: “This is soup.” Roast beef followed with a placard announcing: “This is roast beef.” The potatoes were labelled. The gravy dish was placaded. t The, olives bore a card marked “Olives,” the salad bowl carried a tag marked “Salad,” and when the ice pudding came in a card announcing “This is ice pudding” was with it. .The wife talked of a thousand different things all through never once ■referring by word or.look to the labelled dishes. Neither then , nor thereafter did she say -a word about them, ami never since that evening the. captious husband ventured to impure the name of anything set before him. HANDWRITING OF AUTHORS. Charlotte Bronte’s handwriting seemed to have been traced with a needle. Thackeray’s writing was marvellously neat and precise. Longfellow wrote a bold, open backhand, which delighted the printers. The handwriting of Captain Marryat was so miseropic that when he rested from his labours he was obliged to mark the place where he left off by .sticking a pin in the paper. Napolean’s ■handwriting was worse than illegible. It is said that his letters from Germany to the Empress Josephine were at first taken for rough snaps of the seat of war. Much of Carlyle’s temperament may be read in his handwriting. He wrote a patient, crabbed, oddly emphasized hand. The chirography of Walter Scott, Leigh Hunt, Moore, and Gray was easy to read, and ran smoothly. : It was not expressive of any especial individuality, however. The writing of Dickens was minute, and the author’s habit of writing with blue ink upon blue, paper, with frequent erasures and interlineutions, made his copy, a burden to his publishers; Byron’s writing was a mere scrawl. His additions in his proofs often exceeded in volume the original copy. .♦ ♦ ♦ The following advertisement from a Japanese newspaper is quoted by the “ Feathered World”: — “Chance! Chance! To Got Best Domestic Fowls. To sell now, ,011 our garden best domestic fowls and tools, if one who wish to have those; Come and apply to the owner of the garden. Brown Legphone 50 Brown Miuoluca 44 " ’ Tncliiding Cock 4,’ Hen-40,‘ incubator a house for fowls ami all tools to belong to the fowl’s garden."