ANECDOTES AND SKETCHES

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 18, 4 May 1907, Page 27

ANECDOTES AND SKETCHES

CONCISE. An inquiring American wrote recently to Mrs Flora Annie Steel, whose novels of life in India are well known, ashing for some information •bout herself, and this i« what she (Wrote:— “I have been married. I have borne children, I have two grandsons, I have therefore lived through the life allotted to woman, and the only novelty before me is death." Let us hop? that it will be many years before Mrs Steel has any acquaintance with this novelty. ♦ ♦ ♦ now JOKES ARE MADE. The professional humorist was having bis boots blacked. • And is your father a bootblack, too?" he asked the boy. “No. sir." replied the bootblack. "my father is a farmer." “Ahl" said the professional humorist, reaching for his notebook. “He believes in making hay while the son shines." ♦ ♦ ♦ APPEAL ANSWERED. Miss Mary Anderson, now Madame de Navarro, was once playing the part of Galatea in Mr W. S-Gilbert's. “Pygmalion and Galatea." In the last act. as is well known, she appeals to the gods for assistance io bring about a reconciliation between Pygmalion and (ynisea. The actress assumed a suppliant attitude. and. with upturned face ami outstretched arms, exclaimed: “The gods will heipm?'" To her surprise her appeal was answered by the Jads Hn the gaßery of the theatre, thev all unanimous! v crying: -We wP.lt' ’ A soar of laughter ran round the -place, •nd the play was stopped for a while. SURE TO PLEASE. “Automatic scales?” snorted the manager of the amusement hall. “Oh, they’re out of date. We’re looking for novel“Weli," replied the selling agent, “this is a novelty. When a skinny person gets on this machine it records his weight as half-a-stone heavier. and it makes a fat person a stone lighter." ♦ ♦ ♦ THEY COME HIGH—KIT A stranger in the city asked a newsboy to direct him to a certain bank, promising him sixpence for it. The boy thought for a moment as though running through in his mind the list of banking houses with which he was acquainted. Then, lad ling the old gentleman to follow him. he put his hands in his poeket and' sauntered to the nearest, which was only three doors away. Paying th? fee. the man said, “That was sixpence easily earned, sonny." “Sure," said the hoy, "bur you mustn't fergit that bank directors is paid high in these days." ♦ ♦ ♦ THE UXFOUGHT DUEL. Two officers onee appeared before Gm tavus Adolphus of Sweden to ask his permission to fight a duel as one bad grievously insulted the other. “Certainly, my friends." said the king. “I will be present myself at the encounter." On the day appointed. Gustavus Adolphus appeared on the scene atvompanied by a sinister looking person, who proved to be the public executioner. Pointing to the two eombatanta, the king said: “You see those two men? Immediately after their duel, you will behead the •urvivor.” The two officers shook hands on the •pot

A DEVOTIONAL TURN OF MIND. As the new minister of the village was on his way to evening service he met a rising young man of the place whom he was anxious to have become an active member of the church. “Good evening, my young friend." he said solemnly, "do you ever attend a plaee of worship?" “Yes, indeed, sir: regularly every Sunday night." replied the young fellow with a smile. "I'm on my way to see her now.” ♦ ♦ ♦ IRISH HUMOUR. Speaking of a serious illness, an Irishman said: "I lay spaachless for six week-, and all my cry was 'Wather, wather’”’ After tramping a long, weary way. an Irishman remarked that he did not see why they did not put the milestones nearer together. An Irishman. who was having trouble with a new pair of shoes, said: “I shall never g>t them on at all until I have worn them a day or two." In an Irish newspaper there onee appeared the following announcement: "Owing to lack of space a number of deaths are unavoidably postponed." When toll that a certain stove would save half the fuel used in an ordinary one. an inhabitant of Cork declared that he would buy two and save all the fuel. An Irish servant was told to tell a man that an engagement had been made to meet him at noon. "And what shall I tdi him if I can’t find him?" answered Pat. LIFE'S LITTLE COURTESIES. "Hang it all!” exc-kumcd Mr Subuuhs. arriving home' from the office. - “We'll have to call on the Dubley’s to-night." "Why. eGorge, you said you wanted to stay at home with me in comfort tonight!' exclaimed his wife. “Yes. but I heard that Dubley and his wife mean to call on us to-night. We can leave their house earlier than we could make them leave curs." ♦ ♦ AN ACCIDENT. It was at a crowded “At Home.” A lady wished to pass in front of him. so the young man hacked. In so doing, his heels stepped on someone's toes. “One million pardons’ I do trust I have not hurt you!" he exclaimed, as he turned round. Then, when he saw who it was. he uttered a cry as though lie had been stabbed. He had been polite to his brother. ♦ ♦ ♦ WISE YOUNG MAN! “Yes," said the old man to his young visitor. "I am proud of my girls, and would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a little money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is Mary, twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her £5OO when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five again, and I shall give her £l**oo. and the man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will have £2OOO with her.” The young man reflected for a moment, and then inquired: "You haven't one about fifty, hava von *" ♦ ♦ ♦ AN INSPIRING MODEL. Little Johnnie, having in his posses session a couple of bantam hens, which laid very small eggs, suddenly hit on a plan. Going the next morning to the fowl-run, Johnnie's father was surprised to find an ostrich egg tied to orc of the beams, and above it a card, with the words:

“Keep your eye on this, and do your bask”