MR. DOOLEY ON "SIR ALECK"

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 12, 23 March 1907, Page 24

MR. DOOLEY ON "SIR ALECK"

“Mr Dooley” has in the “San Francisco Bulletin” an amusing skit on the episode between Admiral Davis, of the U.S. Navy, and Sir A. Swettenham, the Governor of Jamaica, on the occasion of the Kingston trouble. The illustrations are peculiarly American and distinctly laughable.

“Well, sir,” said Mr Dooley, “a hand aerost th’ sea has been extended tb us again. We rayceived it undher th’ ear.

“Did ye read about it? Ye didn't? Well, ’twas this way: Our fellow AngloSaxons own an island somewhere beyant Cubia, where they raise rum, mollasses, ginger an’ naygurs f’r th’ export thrade. ’Tis fr’m there we get th’ sturdy blacks that may be seen anny day smoking cigareets an’ playin’ cards while digggin’ th’ I’annyma Canal. It's a vallyable little Pearl iv th’ Ant-Hills, and if England had a few more iv thim she’d be broke. Well, th’ other day an earthquake eome along an’ shook it up. It must’ve been a good deal iv a jolt, f’r almost as inanny people were kilt be it as die in this counthry anny cold day fr’m not havin’ good enough shoes. It was pretty bad, an’ we're a good-hearted people at heart, d'ye mind, an' ivrybody, even thim unhappy people that can't be sure they are Anglo-Saxons on account iv their parentage were in favor iv doin’ somethin’ f’r th’ poor creatures. Ts Anglo-Saxons looked on it another way. ’Twas not to nurse th’ injured nor feed th’ hungry that we called on th’ Prisidint to si nd ships to Kingston, but ’twas to bind up th’ wounds in wan iv th’ exthreniities iv our Mother t'ounthry. Th’ Anglo-Saxon union invited conthributions through its Chairman, th' lion. Isaac Guggenheim. Th’ Presidint with tears in his eyes ordhered Bob Evans to sind somebody else to Jamaica to help our cousins an’ prove again that blood is stickier than water. He did not think ’twas wise to sind Bob Evans himsilf to soon afther th’ earthquake. Boh Evans picked out a la-ad be th’ name iv Davis, an' he got together our warships an’ rushed off to Kingston.

“ ’Twas all right. If there was an Englishman in tbroul.de in th’ next house I’d thry to f’rget what his folks done to mine, an' no wan wud be quicker to his bedside thin this AngloSaxon. What I'd do to him afther he got out iv th’ hospital might be ditt'rent. I have gr-reat feelin’ f’r human sufferin', an’ 1 don’t know' that I don t feel sorrier f’r an Englishman in tbrouble thin f’r annywan else. I’ve got to keep fr’m laughin’. ‘•Well.' away wint Admiral Davis an' steamed into Kingston Harbour, an’ as as a first aid to th’ injured made a searchlight display an’ fired th’ customary salute iv four hundhred an’ eight guns. It was arly in th’ avenin’, an’ th' Gov'nor havin’ issued proclamations relievin' distbress ontil tealime, was enjoyin’ a well arned slumber. But he got up at wanst an’ rayturned th’ compliment in th' most gracious terms. He wrote a note to th' Admiral as follows: ‘Shut up ye'er darn guns an’ get out iv here. Ye make my bead ache.’ “Th' Admiral, bein’ an Anglo-Saxon fr’m Boston, where Jawnny Fitz is Mayor, was much moved at this delicate compliment, an’ havin' bred another salute iv two hundred ami four gwns f’r th’ Gov’nor'* sierety an' insthrueted th’ band to play ‘Gawd Save th' King,’ he wint ashore.

“Th’ Admiral wint to make an ofUcyal mH on th’ Gov'nor. IV reciptio* wm

cliaraekteristie iv that old-fashioned good cheer that commerce an’ th’ greed iv Americans is desthroyin’. Th’ Admiral was allowed to stand in th’ outside office f’r as long a time as he wanted. Thin a ruddy, janial face appeared at th’ dure an’ says: ‘Janies, tell him I’ve gone away to stay till nineteen hundhred an’ eight.’ "Here, Hinnissy, I’d like to read ye a sketch iv this gre-reat man that has done so much to bind two sister nations in a perfect knot an’ to show that though blood may be thicker thin water heads are thicker still. Sir Aleck Sweatingham was born in Fothriugham Court Hoad in th’ year eighteen thirty-four. He was a number iv an illuthrees fam’ly that had not been out iv th’ parish f’r four einchries. Arly in life he showed traits that marked him f’r a diplomatic career. No wan end get along with him. At six he kicked a maiden lady who offered him, gingerbread; at nine he bit th’ parson who thried to make him a present iv a dhrum. Such traits cud not be lightly pushed aside. It was clear that he was destined be nature to rule over th’ swarthy thribes upon whom alone the sun iv England sets, an’ sets hard. “While still a mere youth, he was dispatched to th’ island of Booloojoo. in th’ Indyan Sea, where he soon made a name f’r himsilf be formin’ the native Rajahs into a Church iv England Definse League. His rise was rapid. First appointed in thirty-four, in sixty-six he was promoted to th’ Gov’norship iv th’ popylous Island of Gazip, in th’ Gulf iv Baf; population, 1860, two whites, five miilyon blacks; salary, two millyon pice (£5O). In dulin’ this difficult province he made a gr-reat repytation, which extended as far as th’ borders iv Swat. A man iv iron, cold an’ hard, he inthrajooced hansom cabs dhrawn be natives instead iv th’ old-fashioned rickshaw, induced th’ Rajah to throw away his pagan turban an’ adopt th’ more seemly stovepipe hat, started a muffin’ bakery, an’ took steps to abolish plural marredges. “Fourteen years later a still more important honor was lavished on him. Whin th’ Gov’norship iv Plaguestown, on th’ East t'oast, was made vacant th’ last name that occurred to th’ Colonyal Office was Aleck Sweatingham, an’ he was appointed. Afther survivin’ f’r iliven years in this arjoos post he

was again promoted at th’ request iv th* cn’y other white man in th’ colony, an’ rayceived th’ important post iv Gov’nor iv Jamaica, an honor which few achieve an’ still fewer desire. This completes th’ career iv th’ gr-reat man, which may soon be r-rounded out be his bein’ fired. Ivrywhere he wint he made frinds where he’d been befure. In all th’ counthries where he ruled he left a repytation f’r janiality an’ repose. At laste, he niver had it with him whin he showed up at th’ new job. “It was this mighty statesman that our humble Admiral thried to meet. Admiral Davis was overcome by his rayceptiou. We don’t expect our dear cousins to gush over us. They ar-re more self-contained thin we ar-re. Behind their rugged chests beat warm an’ gin’rous hearts, but they find it hard to say annything pleasant without chokin’, an’ Admiral Davis was surprised as well as charmed by Aleek’s greetings. He said he had niver met so polite an Englishman. In his gratichood he landed throops to dhrive naygur prisoners back into jail, put up awnings on stores, an’ hitch th’ horses to th’ sthreet cars in th’ annihilated city. He was amazed to receive almost instantly an effusive dispatch in th’ followin’ language: ‘Get out iv here or I’ll heave arf a brick at ye.’ Th’ Admiral replied: ‘Gawd bless ye f’r ye’re kind wurruds. It is a happiness to me to meet ye’er Ixcillincy’s approval. It shows that we ar-re bound together be ties iv common brotherhood an’ th' common language iv Shakespeare an’ others. I have th’ honour to rayport that th’ fleet undher my command has put up a tent, started two grocers in business and proticted a safe fr’m bein’ robbed.’ “To which Aleck replied heartily: ‘I don’t know what th’ divvle ye mane be a common language, but if ye’er not out iv here be noon ye’ll hear some language that’s commoner thin anny iver used be Shakespere, whoiver he may be. Get out, 1 say. Chase ye’ersilf. Beat it to th’ deep sea. If ye don’t hurry I’ll sind a naygur polisman to run ye in. If anny safe was took ye stole it ye’ersilf and have it hid now iu wan iv ye’er scows. I’ve a good mind to go aboard an’ search ye. Mis’rable Yankee, fly,’ says he. ‘Take th’ eastern channel,’ he says. ‘Tliere are rocks there an’ some sharks.’

“Admiral Davis could not thrust himsilf to a reply in writing. He wint at wanst to call on th’ gallant an’ courteous riprisintive iv his Majesty. What passed between the two envoys iv th’ wurruld's powers- will niver be known. It was too sacred to be repeated. It is enough to say that whin Admiral Davis eome fr’m th’ mansion th’ Gov’nor’s right eye was black with grief an’ he carried a large an’ vallyable axe which he was thryin’ to presint to th’ Admiral. Th’ Constitution f’bids our officers acceptin’ presints f’r doin’ their jooty simply an’ well. That night, havin’ completed their errand iv mercy, th* fleet sailed away, an’ so sthrong was th* feelin’ aboord th’ ships in th’ harbour that not a sound issued fr’m thim. Admiral Davis was highly pleased with th’ epysode. Those who heerd his comments say he is splendidly qualified to fill Bob Evans’ place in th’ hearts iv th’ American Navy. “An’ there ye ar-re, Hinnissy; another, link forged in th’ chain that hooks us up to our Motherland. It is such occurrences that makes us know that though a sturdy Briton may be slow in speech, he still cherishes th’ proper feelin’ to’rd this counthry. Betther th* bluff kick in th’ eye thin th’ soft answer that turneth away our wrath an’ th" kick in th’ eye aftherwards. Aleek has cleared up a good manny doubts in my mind iv where we stand. If we’er cousins at all, Jake Schiff and Prisidinb Hadley an’ I belong to an infeeryor branch iv th’ fam’ly an’ ought to be treated as such. Besides knowin’ how relations act to’rd each other, if I’ve got to be anny kind iv relation let it be as distant as possible. I'm sorry they’re goin’ to fire Aleck. He’s a good man who’s done somethin’ f’r the wurruld. I’m sorry f’r thim if they fire him, f’r they'll have to take him home. If they want to punish him they ought to make him perpetehool Gov'nor iv Jamaica.” “What did they want to sind th’ navy f’r. annyhow?” asked Mr. Hennessy. “Maybe ye’er right,” said Mr. Dooley. “I think mesilf this navy iv ours is gettin’ into th' habit iv runnin’ to fires. It’s all right to rescue people fr’m a burnin’ buildin’, but I think I’d wait till I was asked. Maybe th’ man wud rather be burned to death thin have a cousin rescue him an’ have it th’ talk iv th' family f’r tin years.”