ANECDOTES AND SKETCHES

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 10, 9 March 1907, Page 33

ANECDOTES AND SKETCHES

ENOUGH SAID. As an architect met a lady of his acquaintance on the street he remarked that he had just been to see the nave of the new chureh of which they were both members. “You needn’t mention names,” said the lady with an apprehensive glance; “I know the man to whom you refer.” 4 + + THE EXTREME PENALTY. Lord Russell, the famous jurist, once went to Scotland to help the Liberals in a campaign. He purposely began his speech with a few sentences of bad Scotch, and then when the confusion caused by the blunder had subsided, he said: “Gentlemen, I do not speak Scotch, but I vote Scotch, and I often drink Scotch.” He was greeted with tremendous applause. When Russell was a young man he was sitting in court listening to a trial for bigamy. A friend leaned across to him and asked, “ Russell, what is the extreme penalty for bigamy?” “Two mothers in law,” was the reply. ABOUT THE BROWNINGS. The stories of the Brownings are delightful. One day- the two poets were entertaining some friends to luncheon, and as the guests rose to go, after saying “How- delightful it has been!” Mr. Browning cried: "Come back to supper, do!” “Oh, Robert,” exclaimed his wife, “how can you ask them? There is no supper; nothing but the remains of the pie!” “Well, then,” cried the hospitable Browning, “come back and finish the pie!” . One anecdote of Browning’s simple courtesy is eharming. His son had hired a room in a neighbouring house in order to exhibit his pictures there, and during the temporary absence of the artist Mr. Browning was doing the honours to a roomful of fashionable friends. He was standing near the door when an unannounced visitor made her appearance, and he shook hands with her, greeting her as he had done other arrivals, to her obvious embarrassment. “If you please, sir, I’m the cook,” she explained; “but Mr. Barrett told me to come and see his pictures.” “And I’m very glad to see you,” returned Browning, with ever ready courtesy. “Take my arm, and I ll show you round.” i 4 4 4 “OF COURSE.” Apropos of the habit some people have of interpolating unnecessary phrases into any narrative, there is one story of Dr. Spencer, whose pet phrase was “Of course.” A patient of his possessed a dog, which was a great pet of the family in genera], and the dog happened to fall ill. Dr. Spencer, in telling the story of the dog’s illness to some friends, explained : , "Of course, the children thought no enl of the dog, and having an idea, of course, that I can cure everything they sent for me, and, of course, I went as soon as I could, and, of course, the dog died before I’d been there ten minutes.” “Of course!” came in a perfect chorus from the group of listeners, a response that obviously somewhat embarrassed the doctor, though he laughed it off. AN EXPENSIVE PLACE. There was once a child who for every naughtiness of which she was guilty had some of her pocket-money stopped—generally a halfpenny a time. One day she was in a peculiarly contrary mood, and a few minutes after one fine had been inflicted she transgressed again, and a second fine was imposed. Yet a third time it had to be inflicted. “Oh, Isabel,” said her mother, “how •an you be BO naughty? That makes

a penny, and if you disobey it will be twopence.” “Oh, dear, dear,” sighed Isabel plaintively, “this is a dreadful expensive place to live in, isn’t it, mummy?” 4 4 4 AN APPRECIATIVE LISTENER. Customer: “ I want some kind of a door spring—one that won’t get out of order.” Hardware Dealer: “ A door spring? ” Customer: “Yes, and one that won’t require the strength of an elephant to open.” Dealer: “ Hem! ” Customer: “ And yet it must be strong enough to bring the door all the way to, and not leave it swinging open a couple of inches.” Dealer: “ I see.” Customer: “And when the door closes I don’t want it to bang like a catapult, with a crash that shakes the house from its foundations.” Dealer: “Yes; you want one that will bring the door all the way to, and yet do it gently.” Customer: “That’s the idea. But I don’t want any complicated arrangement that requires a skilled mechanic to attend to it.” Dealer: “No, of course not; you want something simple, yet strong and effective. Customer: “That’s the thing; something that can be put on or taken off easily; something that will do its work quietly yet thoroughly, and won’t be eternally getting out of order.” Dealer: “I see. I know exactly what you want, sir, just exactly.” Customer: “Well, show me one.” Dealer: “ We don’t keep door springs.” 4 4 4 WANTED A BIT FOR HIMSELF. It seemed foolish, bud. the cabby was wise when he looked ruefully at the sovereign handed to him by his “ fare” at the Grand Hotel the other night, and said: “ Carn’t yer give me silver, sir?” That was enough to make any passenger gasp. Was a cabman going to ask less than he was offered? But cabby continued: “If I take the quid ’ome ter the misses, she’ll git th’ lot. Make it silver, and I can ’ang to a bob or two.” Which recalls the employee who, when asked, “ Shall I give you another £1 a week and let your wife know, or another 10/ and say nothing about it?” replied without an instant’s hesitation: “ I’ll take the ten shillings! ” 4 4 4 WILLING TO HELP. An old country woman, unversed in the mysteries of modern banking, presented a crossed cheque for payment. “Very sorry, ma’am,” said the cashier, “ but we can’t pay this over the counter.” “It’s all reet, hinny,” replied the customer, with an amiable and intelligent smile. “ I’ll room round.” And, gathering up her baskets ami skirts, she made a determined dive for the ground-glass door in the mahogany partition. 4 4 4 ALAS! WILD ROSE. Things are always happening which illustrate that “the best-laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley.” A romantic couple by the name of Rose named their little daughter Wiki. And truly Wild Rose seemed to justify her name. She was shy and graceful and beautiful. For years the parents enjoyed all the romance and poetry of the name. Then they awoke to the fact that young women often change their last names, and that any other combination than the present one would be likely to leave very little of the beautiful.

At last the very worst came. She married Charlie Bull. /