ANECDOTES AND SKETCHES

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 9, 2 March 1907, Page 26

ANECDOTES AND SKETCHES

SO TRUE. TOO. “ How.” said the young man who had been'in the matrimonial game for nearly a week, “ean I tell when the honeymoon is over?'* “It will' be over,’’ answered the man who had been married three times, “ when your wife stops telling things, and begins to ask questions.” CONCERNING J AXE. Hear the lamentable ease of Jane. Jane •|vs a servant who broke much crockery. "Indeed. Jane said her mistress, “what you break costs as much as your wages come to. It can't possibly go on, you must find some way to stop it. Jane sighed, and sighed again, and promised to try. A while after she sought her mistress again. “ Did you say, mum, as what 1 broke last, month came to as much as my wages? ” “ Indeed, 1 did, Jane. Now, how are you going to do in the future?” “Well, mum, after what’s just ’appened downstairs, I think you’d better give me a rise in my wages; else we shall be all wrong.” f + > A XEW TRI E GHOST STORY. The best ghost story we have heard or read for a long time is told in a London contemporary. On one occasion, in Scotland, a guest, arriving rather late at a country house, was given the haunted room. Although he professed to be a sceptic, like n liny others, his courage vanished with the light. Determined, however, to protect himself as well as possible, he placed a loaded revolver under his pillow, and awaited events. As the chick struck midnight he saw a fleshy hand at the end of the bed. and; M rallying his nerves,' he addressed the visitant thus: — “If you do not' instantly move your hftnd, 1 shall fire without further warning.” Hi' counted three and then discharged the bullet: A bowl of pain which aroused the household followed, and it was soon discovered that the successful marksman had Shot away two of his own toes. ♦ ♦ ♦ TO LOVE. HONOUR, AND TO ’BEY. At a Lancashire wedding there was an unrehearsed effect when the bride was called upon t.i take her husband “ for better, for worse.” All went well until that part-of the troth “To love, to cherish. ami to obey ” was reached, when the bride repeated: "Love, cherish, ana ’bey.” ..The otlieiatiiig clergymen repeated: “ Tii love, cherish, and o bey.” A seeond time came from the bride: “ Love, cherish and to ’bey.” Yet, cmee. more the clerk repeated: “ To love, cherish, and to o bey.” \\ hereupon the hitherto patient bridegroom, a lusty miner, remarked: “ That’s a’ right, mister. Ah’ll make ’er say ’Oh! ’ when Ah gets ’er outside! ” ♦ t ♦ NOT AS BAD AS IT MIGHT HAVE ; BEEN.. “ Poor Nipsley! It was a terrible blow to him.” •> “Nipsley? 1 haven’t heard about it. .What’s the matter?” “It was very sudden. lie’s all broken up. 1 saw Ijiiu yesterday, and he told me he didn’t know how he could get along without her. To tell you the truth, I wouldn't huypdielievol before'it happened that he’d lp<Ve*taken .it sojiard. He hasn't * been alih' to attend to bifSiness or to " Say. fdr heii?en’a sake, why don’t you tell a fellow about it ? : What's the old , boy’s trouble?'! > , ” His svifq’yplead.’’. “Oh. IprdL I thought from the way ! you spoke that Miiuvbojv must have come •long and Ipiyd his typewriter girl away from him."

A PUZZLE FOR PAT. An Irishman entered the New York Post Office for the purpose of mailing a letter to his fiancee. He paused in perplexity before a board containing three letter-slote bearing the words, “City,” “ Domestic,” “ Foreign.” “ Faith,” he muttered, “ this is a pretty problem. A'Aggie’s a domestic, she lives in the city, and she’s a foreigner, What beats me is how I’m to get the letter in the three holes at wanst.” ♦ ♦ ♦ TWO OF A KIND. A private in the regulars went to the colonel of his regiment ami asked for a two-weeks’ leave of absence. The colonel was a severe disciplinarian, who did not believe in extending too many privileges to his men, and did not hesitate to use a subterfuge in evading the granting of one. “ Well,” said the Colonel, “ what do you want a two-weeks’ furlough for?” Patrick answered: “Me woife is very sick and the children are not well, and, if ye didn’t mind, she would loike to have me home fer a few weeks to give her a bit ov assistance.” The colonel eyed him for a few minutes, and said: “ Patrick, I might grant j our request, but I got a letter from your wife this morning saying she didn’t want you home —that you were a nuisance whenever you were there. She hopes I won’t let you have any more furloughs,” “That settles it! Oi suppose Oi can’t get the furlough, then?” said Pat. “No, I’m afraid net, Patrick.” It was Patrick’s turn now to eye the colonel as he started for the door. Stopping suddenly, he said: » ’ “Colonel, can 1 say somethin’ to yez?” “ Certainly, Patrick : what is it? ’’ ->. < “ You won’t get mad, colonel,- if Oi say it, will yez? ” “Certainly not, Patrick.-What.is it?” ’ “ Oi want to say there are two splendid liars in this room. Oi’m one and ye’re, another. Oi was never married in me loife.” — . + ♦ ♦ HARD LUCK. “ At St. Andrew’s links,” said Andrew Carnegie, “ the Sabbath is respected. Indeed, all over Scotland! the Sabbath is respected in a remarkable way. Golfing one day in the autumn at St. Andrew’s. I said to my caddie: ‘Angus, man, tlie leaves are falling. The green is turning red and brown. Winter will soon be upon us. And do you get much caddying to do in the winter, Angus? ’ Angus frowned .gloomily. ‘Na, na,’ said he, blowing his nose. ’ There’s nae muckle caddyi’n in winter. If it’s no snaw it’s frost, if it’s no frost it’s sna.w; if it’s neither frost nor snaw it's rain, an’ if it’s fine it’s sure to be the Sawbath.’ ” ♦ ♦ > DOG DID THE RIGHT TRICK. The Irishman wanted to sell the dog, but the prospective buyer was suspicious, and finally decided not to buy. The man then told him why he was so anxious to sell. “You see,” he said, “I bought the dog and trained him myself. 1 got him so he’d bark all the time if a person stepped inside the gate, and I thought I was safe from burglars. Then my wife wanted me to train him to carry bundles, and I did. - If I put a packet in his mouth the dog would keep it there till some one took it away. Well, oh a night; I woke np. and. heard some one’ in’ the next rooni. I got up and grabbed my gun. They .were three—three of the scoundrels and the dog?” r “lKiJp't be barK?” interrupted the man, “Sony a hark; he was too busy.” " “Busi? Whitt dbiifg?” “CariA ing a Itfiiterii' for the burgliira.” -—“Dublin Freeman.”