ANECDOTES AND SKETCHES

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 7, 16 February 1907, Page 29

ANECDOTES AND SKETCHES

INNOCENT. There is an old story of a simple High land tasx who had walked to Glasgow to join her sister in service. On reaching a toll-bar on the skirt of the eity, she began to rap smartly with her knuckles on the gate. The ton-keeper canie out to see what she wanted. “Please, sir, is this Glasgow?” she inquired. "Yes, this is Glasgow.”' “Please,” said the girl,'‘is Peggy in?” 4 4 4 NEAT. Nothing van surpass in delieaey the reply wade hy an East Indian servant of the late Lord Dufferin when he was ' Viceroy of India. “Well, what sort of sport has Lord Blank had?” said I.ortF Dufferin one day to his servant, who had attended a young English Lord on a shooting exenrsion. “Oh,” replied the scrupulously polite Hindoo, “the young sahib shot divinely. But Provideme was very merciful to the birds!” 4 ♦ 4 AT HIS WORST. Mrs. Ijangtry said of the unpleasant and impertinent questions that, under the new customs rules, had been put to her on her landing in America, “They reminded me of that lawyer’s hill which is sometimes quoted to show what a lawyer, at his worst. <srn he. I don’t remember all the bill’s items, but two of them were:— ” "To waking up in the night and thinking alsrut your ease, £2 10s.’ “‘To dining with you after Hie ease was lost, £l.’ ” 4 4 4St) EASY WHEN IT IS EXPLAINED. A woman riding in a Philadelphia trolley, ear said to the conductor: “Can yon tell me, please, on what trolley ears J can use these exchange slips? They mix me up somewhat.'’ “They really shouldn't, madam,” said the polite eondugtoy. “It is very simple: East of the junction by a westbound ear an exchange from an eastbound ear is good only if the westbound ear is west of the junction formed by said eastbound car. South of the junction formed by a northbound car an exchange from a southbound ear is good south of the junction if the northbound ear was north of the junction at the time of issue, but only south of the junction going south if the southbound car was going north at the time it was •onth of the junction. That is al) there is to it.” • 4- * + WON’T THERE BE FUN! A fond mother, hearing an unusual noise in the nursery overhead, hurried upstairs to find out what was the matter. She found Johnny sitting in the middle of the floor quietly smiling. “Oh,” said he, “I’ve locked Grandpa and Um-le Henry in the cupboard, and when they get a little angrier I am going to play Daniel in the lion’s den.” 4 4 4 OVER TH K/WINE. A brifchl young man was engage*! in a desultory conversation with a prominent frnarKier of a most economical rlisposi lion. when the great man suddenly invited attention to the suit of clothes ho was then wearing. “ I have never Itelieved,” said he, “ in paying fancy prices for ent-to-memoiro garments. " Now, here’s a suit for which J paid fifteen dollars and fifteen cents. Appearances are very deceptive. If I told you I purchased it for fifty dollars, you’d probably believe that io be the tenth.” “ I would if you t«>W me bv telephowe,” ••plied the yowng man.

AS THEY SPEAK IT. Once, in Nice, an Englishman and a Frenchman were about to separate on Hie Promenade des Anglais. The Englishman, as he started toward the t’ercle, called back: “Au reservoir!-” And the Frenchman waved his hand and answered: “Tanks! ” 4 4 4 PROVED HIMSELF RIGHT'. The other day a bright little newsboy was running along yelling. “Extry! Nine lives lost!” A man called the boy. “What’s that your yelling?'’ lie asked. “Nine lives lost,” replied the “newsy.” ’The man bought a paper. “Show me the account of the loss of so many lives.” he said, after the boy had pocketed the nickel. The youngster opened the paper and pointed to an item about an inch ami ahiilf long. “There it is,” he said. It was headed: “Arrested for Killing a Cat.” 4 4 4 GOT OCT OF THAT ALL RIGHT. “My dear,’’ said a wife to her husband, “do you realise that, you have forgotten that this is my birthday?” “Yes, dearie, I did forget it,” replied the husband. “Isn't it natural that I should? Them: isn’t really anything about you to remind me that you are a day older than you were a year ago.” 4-4-4-A RETORT BY’ MARK TWAIN. Mark Twain had finished his speech at a dinner party, and on seating himself a lawyer rose, shoved his hands deep into his trousers pockets, as was his habit, and laughingly inquired of those present: “Doesn’t it strike the. company as a little unusual that a professional humorist should be funny?” When the laugh that greeted this sally had subsided. Mark Twain drawled out: “Doesn’t it strike the company as a little unusual that a lawyer should have his hands in his own pockets?” 4 4-4 MORE TO THE POINT. At a literary club in Boston one night, there was an encounter between a Bostonian, professing a lave of art for art's sake, and F. Marion Crawford the novelist. In a slightly patronising manner the Boston man asked: “ Have you over aspired to write anything, Mr. Crawford, that will live after you are gone?” “ My dear sir,” replied Crawford, with a broad smile, “ my principal effort just now is to write something that will enable me to live while I am here.” 4 4 4 OBEYED ORDERS. General Sherman onee. possessed an Irish servant whose forte was asking questions ami trying to find out the Why and wherefore of everything he was told to do. During a buttle an orderly one •lay approached the general and told him that his favourite horse. Ross, had been struck by a cannon Imvll ami killed. Calling his Irish servant the General said, “Go skin Ross.” “Why, sir, is Ross dead?” began the ma n. General Sherman lose up in his wrath saying: " Never miml whether he is deo.il or not—l told you to go out ami skin him.” ■ The man returned a limit three hours later ami Merman hailed him with the words: “ Where have yon been! Does it taka you three hours to skin a home?” “No,” answer ml Mike; “but it took mo about two hours to catch him.”