ACCORDING TO CONFUCIUS

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 1, 5 January 1907, Page 26

ACCORDING TO CONFUCIUS

By

LEO CRANE

S AID Benson to me one night when tiling- were quiet: "Did I ever tell y«-h tie story of Pepper?’’ ‘ 1 denied that he . had. "Let me have a smoke, will y< i.;’’ Ih-nsou suggested. Benson is forever levying a eigar tribute wluu telling stories, lie watched 111 narrowly to see if 1 would -tab him with a cheroot from the box kept expressly for pres--agents. Once I had palmed that brand on him. and several minutes after lighting it he had plaintively asked my permission to lay it ddwn. But I know B nson now and, I wjkuld not do sueh a fiendish thing. Howcver. Benson i- su-pictous. He will not fUist me any more. He examined the •§iar 1 proffered as though he thought teytiri'l it of rubber composition. i' ’■■Excused:’'' lie said at .length, sighing in some relief. "But you know you do get them mixed.’’ Then he was for going off to examine a ease of snake-, w ion 1 halted him. demanding that he make good wit a the What story?” be asked., puffing innocently. a i the Havanj* his face like that of a cherub. * " ~ "About Pepper." *- "Oil. yes—l did say -onrthin* ’bout that little ehap; Singular that I forgot. Pepper." reminiscently. "he was the goods -—a sweet, playful, cunning monster, that Pepper.’ 5 Ben-on down. 1 can believe him when he is -iiting down. He is then at one's ns r«>. But standing, be Las a e‘«au«v to inak«* a clean .gateway. *Yt-h Siin- Foraker knew lie wa« a rare sort when lie bought him. It ain't < I'-n Sims Foraker i- fooled. He ran •-cine nearer t«» beatin’ the game by in-tiiH.t than any one 1 know in the show bU”in«'s-. Tai- IVpp r was --oin’ktiin* like a en»— between a prize chimpanzee and an orang-utan. «aily the mix iiiir hadn't hurt him any in hx»k<. H«)»ad tin brain- «»f one tribe and the execution of th - ».t »< r. He was that agile, well- would have to stretch a Kit *-atvh him. He was. of a reddi-h » l « i;. tbat*- why we called him Pepper -JU -< e. red jepp-r. At first we bad

him in a stout box on deek. but he got so tame and good-natured that we let him have the run of the shop. Sims Foraker said he came from Burma, 1 believe, but he was wise enough to liave hailed from the Know-It-AH Islands. He had a little thin beard, did Pepper, which made him look like the Markee Eto, that Jap. fellow. We al! liked Pepper, but you know yeh can get too mueh o’ that "stuff. "Yeh see, the cause of it was this: We had a Chink cook, a tall.' thin, saffroncoloured Celestial, who could pray in four languages.and swear in ten, and who for a cheerful liar had Confucius beat by lengths against the money an’ carryin’ weight. He had a name which sounded like a gong which has fallen downstairs at night, so we agreed to dub him Confucius, for he was a real wise-lookin’ guy. The captain was German, though, and he hadn't much use for two-storeyed names, so more than often he wjHild bawl out Wang.- or Bong, or Bling, and any of it went. Pepp.-r took somewhat of a fancy to this galley-chef, an’ a good bit of his time, when lie wasn’t investigatin’ the more dangerous things gboanl, he idled around the galley, playin’ tire dip game, yeh str. Why. one day he walked. off with t’te captain’s pie. whieh threw Confucius into a pink fit. The captain liked p:e. an’ he liadn't no especial benignity for Confucius. Then. too. Confucius was a religious cuss. Confucius was a good Christian—beg paruon, I meant to say a heathen. He had the puniest gawd nailed up over the galley stove that ever you see. Well, Pepper takes a lot of his spare time strikin’ up a friendship with that gawd. I think Pepper must have thought it was some old acquaintance, and when Confucius wasn't lookin’ he'd try to shake hands just as if they were human. There rally was some 'qualities in Pepper; but < <-nfm ins. i,e takes sides with his patron -aint. and he let- drive a tin-eup at the beastie, whieh was. to sir the k-ast. unkind. Pepper went out at tire port ami considered hims-lf ill-used. Next day. Isuk he goe-. lookin' few puking®, and there he beholds some cookies.

Kight good invitin’ lookin’ eookies they were, the kind that makes a kid’s mouth water, yeh know, an’ Pepper, he strains his art an’ lifts one. The fact that the Chink was on the spot and didn’t let drive at him, ought to have made Pepper suspicious, but there was nothin’ doin’— that is, not right then. But, say!—-five minutes later, the action was plenty. "OF Confucius had scooped out the inside of that cookie, and had erammed the interior with cayenne pepper. He did it by way of a Celestial experiment, yeh know. He had an idea that two peppers ought to make some sort of salad dressin’. I guess, and by Hokus! lie did get up a stew. The trouble he took to prepare that dainty wasn’t appreciated by any one in that ship. Pepper had shinned off to a quiet spot, and there he proceeded to absorb about one-third of that ebokie in a single bite. - He immediately got rid of the bite, but the taste stayeii right with him. For a minute or two he tied around scandalous. Then he hit the pike for the galley. Confucius saw bim cumin’ and accepted the challenge for a race to the stern. The eook made a good energetic run for it. but as they rounded the’judge’s -tand and came into the home stretch on the lee side. Pepper got a dutch on his blouse, and he rippied the stuff off like cotton rags, and t’len he writ his name all over the Chink’s bare baek with his finger-nail-, inscribing the same in Yiddish characters, which you can see to this day when Confucius, or Bling, i® washin’ out his shirt. Ob! it was a merry time. Sims Foraker, bearin’ the rumpus, get® on deck in time to rescue the cook by dubbin’ off the cheerful brute with a deck-chair. After which mild overture. Pepper retired to the masthead, from which elevation lie launched Abyssinian eurees on the lot of us. "Now*, any fellow who has seen a time or two would have thought that enough fan for one round, but Sims Foraker had handled these pocket revolutions before, and lie comes to me an' siys: " 'Benson, there ain’t no sen-e in alarmin' yeh. but ju«t a- a frien.l. I’d go down and write a few letter- home.’

Whieh meant tbat the fight was to a finish an’ nothing barred. I didn’t feel worried until the beast got a coil of rope and tried to lasso the bp’sun; in fact, I didn’t get anxious until lie iiaii nearly knocked out the captain’s brains with a neatly flung bucket. 1 can hear that bucket caroming off the bulwark yet. He made a sort of draw shot with it, but it missed the captain and eame track from the cushion like an explosion in a barrel. The captain made a jump, thinkin’ a gunboat had started a shot, an’ he yelled out to xlic mate that there was a war on, an’ that we were pinched. But, wait —you think this is funny, don’t yeh,-but this is only the begitiniii’. There’s more an’ worse to come.

"It got dark. It gets all quiet out on them waters. When dark eomes yeh feel a sort of seared peace, with the long waves liftin’ in toward the ves® eel, all solemn, and regular and easy, and the stars beginnin’ to blink out like the lights in the village store. That’s the time when a fellow feels like he wants to go off by himself, an’ hang himself over the rail, an’ wonder about the bigness o’ things. That’s my steady evenin’ job when we’re out.there. - It. gets all grand and still. Why. a man’s bare feet on the deck sounds like a disturbance, an’ yeh -want him to go- away somewhere and pray for himself.-. The waves slap up against the sides, an’ lire old hooker trembles along, air the moon glows out like a greased paper-lantern which some Chinese has painted fishes on "But speakin’ of Chinese, bring?, me back to Confucius—he wasn’t havin’ no peaceful time. He wasn't in the mood for a solilokey on the gentle evening tide. No—he was trying to slop t **«e captain up a meal, with his eye on the <le -k at the same time, an’ his back throhbin’ with them engrossed Yiddish resolution®. You can just lay big odds tliat Confueius wasn’t happy. He knew that Pepper was loose some, and the deck wasn’t safe. Confucius wasn’t taking any chances. He played right close to the home-plate, an’ he watched the bases when he made a move. Pepper had segregated another bucket, and dur-

lag the ereiiia’ he caught the Chink q/T third, when he made a wild throw, hut there no umpire to decide the play. Confucius kept goin’ and scored. "It was just about this time when I ambled out to take my pipe, havin’ a ealm and melancholy feeling. Seems to me it helps a fellow to hang over the side, and think how nice it would have been to keep close to home, teachin' school, maybe-, an’ singing in the village choir, an’ marryin" little Orphant Annie. Somehow, my lamps always get soused at that point, ’cause—well, you know what I married. Course if anybody’• around. I blame it on the tobacco, ’cause there don’t seem no sense in a snake hunter bein’ sentimental. Then I hears a swift patter on the deck, and I slews around with my eyes kinder on the blink, and som’thing goes past me. som’tliing big in the shadow, an’ then I see old Pepper goin' down the deck in the moonlight with his tail wig waggin' at me to come along and see the tun. "At that moment Confucius made a quick sally out of his pannery and up deck. They met. There was a swift exchange of lefts and rights. The cook backed away, and ran into a clinch, swung his right, countered, blocked and jabbed, stopped a stiff one and took the count. He was groggy when I got up to him. but Pepper was gone. I thought he would have made a stand against me. but he just seemed to wink and go off alioiit his other affairs. Then it dawned on me that he iiad narrowed it down to a personal matter between himself and the Chinese nation.

"C onfucius got- up. groanin'. He wiped the blood from his face, which wasn't none to classic at any time, and which was now some damaged. He was excited, an’ clung to me. an’ told me all aboutit. He insisted on going in to the captain and makin’ a complaint. I tagged along. The captain and Sims Foraker were having a little game. We appeared on the scene, Confucius bloody an’ snifflin', me wearin’ a sympathetic grin. ‘“Clapton' Clapten!’ moaned the Chink. . ■“Well! what the ’ began the captain. ‘Get- away from me outer here to onct!" he roared. ~ "Clapteti. me wantee plot ection.’ “’You want protection from what’’ “ 'Thar monkey, ho killee me soon.’ sniffled the cook. “'Oil! I guess not.' laughed Sims Foraker, who was enjoying the show. “‘Say! that’ud make a good ad. Benson.' he says to me. ‘Monstrous ManHating Gorilla! Killed Five Men and a Chinaman on'the Voyage Home! Great Gruesome Gigantic Ape Terrorises the Crew! ’ “■G'wan!' snorts the captain, picking up his hand. " 'He no killee me. I killee him.’ spat out Confucius, who wanted sympathy bad. and realised that public-sentiment was against him. "Sims Foraker laughed louder. ‘Guess you won’t- kill Pepper,’ he- said confidently. shuffling the deck. . . . ’“Get oudt!* ordered the captain. ‘•Confucius went on deck disconsolate, but not so disconsolate that he forgot to keep a bright lookout. Sure enough, right amidships he ducked down like a flash just- in time to escape being brained, and I could hear the ratlines being brained, and I could hear the ratlines hummin’ as Pepper made his retreat. The Chink scuttled for the galley. Later iu the night, I took a stroll down that way. and noticin’ a light, peeped in at the port. tonfueius was burning some red paper prayers before his Gawd. He was terribly in earnest about this operation. his yellow face set and determiner!, lhen I saw him come out of the gallev. bis eyes gleaming like little nasty fires. He carried a long knife in his hand. ” 'Me killee him.” he said grimlv. Now. that ape hadn’t done nothin’ to me. but I could have given him advices as a friend. To be an ape with little chin-whiskers like a Bowery comedian am t agotn* to help veh much when the Chinese are out. S help me! but Id rather go against the Blaek Hand bociety than a Chinese when he’s been at his prayer burniu'. Put me in the rear o the procession, says 1. for 1 want plenty of time. Veh see. they take so long tn getting their mad up. that, when It i- hoisted, you bet’che it’s living right at the top o the mast with the nails in it. I Started after Confucius to speak a good word for Pepper, but then I recalled that set to on deck, when the < lunk was groggy. an ‘ I remembers that fine bum h of engraving down under nis blouse, an 1 «ys to n.eself: I t ain -. Bght to rlllg in the Golden Ru j e Qa *

heathen!* Which it ain’t. So I lets him go his own way to vengeance. Benson arose at this point, and. nicely adjusting his waistcoat, starter! for the door. "Wait!” I called ar»er him. "What did he do—what happened’" Benson regarded me in a pitying way. “Do yeh actually want to liear all the 'orrible details? Do you want me to make you sick with a story that fairly turned men’s hair grey —sailormen at that’ D’ve.h?"

With some pardonable hesitation. I did confess that I had been and was interested. 1 -said his store sounder! good to me: that I wanted to know the method of Chinese revenge. Benson regarded me with the air of one who had trusted, and who had been deceived. He sat down again, his face grave, almost sad. ' “Poor Confucius!” he muttered, staring at the earpet. - .rere was a sufficient pause. "Have veil got another one o' them pieces of rope?” says Benson suddenly. "When you have finished the story,” I replied. "Well! you’re worse’ll Dives, the rich man. Say! can’t yeh spare 'em? I’d think you might want to get rid of 'em without questions asked —honest. This story ain’t no pipe that- I’m givin' yeh. It's worth a genuine five-cent. cigar." I yielded, producing another smoke. Benson made the usual examination lor scorpions and man-traps in the perfeeto. and then, with evident satisfaction, proceeded to annihilate it. He puffed out a cloud of .smoke, and then motioned mysteriously through it at me. squinting up one eye to excite a morbid curiosity. ’’Next morning.” iie said, lowering his voice to a subdued tone, "the captain bawled aloud for his coffee —why?—there wasn't any cook. No —the Chink had disappeared.” Benson gave me a chance to absorb this wonderful revelation. "We ought to have slow music for ’.lie finish of the story.” he said. "There we were, breakfastless. cookies.. The mornin' was beautiful, the sun was gleamin’ splendid, bitt Confucius was nowhere. We searched the galley, we-searched liis bunk, we searched his chest, thiiikisT' he might-have got so scared, that he had gone an’ locked himself up for safekeepin'. W e searched from one end. of the hooker to the other, and no think, no Confucius. Then some one said he had heard of Chinese suicides .before this, which was -a favourite diversion with’em whe ntired. Another man said he had known ’em to play it like a game with cards. Then Sims Foraker asked if ‘any one had seen Pepper. n e realised that w hadn"t. We were both eoakless anl apoless. We began to smell a rat. It was a serious condition. We hunted, hooted, looked, investigated, and sought, but nothing did we find that resembled a chink or an. ape. nor even the remnant portions of either. "Then erne of the crew discovered a smear of blood on the anchor chains, and we oainti to tiioeanclusion that Confucius had cornered the brute there, had stablied him. that they had clincheu. and that they bad both gone over together, locked in a lovin’ embrace. -Sims Foraker cursed the cook, and the captaain cursed the ape. Sims Foraker was five aker cursed the cook, and the captain was a tine breakfa-t out of stomach. II was a gloomy bunch. "They installed a deck-hand in the galley, and he had >i- on the bam in no time Because of his fancy cookery. Things were reaehin’ a t<ae stage, when one morning the new eo >k gives a g\ in up from the hash to ’.lie port hole, .ml there stands fonfucius watdiing him. "The fellow gives .; yell, -in’ tomes down the deck with ail siil set and the oars out. 1 never see such consternatioii congregate around one human in all my previous or later life than that fellow collected. We had to choke him into a state of spe»kable culm. He swore he had seen a ghost, the Celestial ghost of the cook, and he refused to pee! another potato in that galley. •“This is fierce,’ -mvs tne caulain, getting hungry liefor,- his time. "But I was the la i to settle them all. ’cause I don't believe in nothin’ I can't see with these two lamp-. «n’ I went on a tour of investigating. And. Great Antelopes! there was the Chink, sure! He stood in tiie doorway of the galley and smiled out at me. It was a hideous smile, for he was cut and gashed like a hamburger steak. The double engro—sin’ he had received in that first mill wasn’t a marker to this set. He looked like a man who had gone through a

Mmie crusher on a l»et. and who want the money. t regarded him. uy knees waverin’ an’ my tongue dry tit’ up. Then I went up close, tin* ditcovered that he was alive. It was (’on* fuciu*. b\ Hokus! the real old yellow thing. “And 1 says to-him: ‘Where’* Pepper. chi yellow button?’ - “ ‘Oh. me killee him,’ lie replied, some jtained effort. “At that moment up conies Sims Foraker. his eyes bulgin' like toy baloons, and his face workin’ nervous. “‘Where have yeh been?’ he sjys» gulpin’ down hi* heart. ‘Where’s Pepper?—What have yeh done with him?’— Where is he?—Where did yeh hide?’ Benson |«<tiaeJ. removed his cig*.ir from hi* lip*, and looked at me with a sincere and altogether mystified expression. He seemed to realise that something was owing me. but that the debt was far greater than he might ever hop? to ca-ncel. He sighed. He said: “But that yellow Chink wouldn't telU”