ANECDOTES AND SKETCHES

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXVII, Issue 6, 11 August 1906, Page 33

ANECDOTES AND SKETCHES

“WATCH YOUR HAT AND COAT.” A well-known Southern politician tells of a South Carolina preacher who. finding the weather too warm for comfort, pulled off his coat, and preached in his shirt-sleeves. After the sermon one of the deacons of the church, thinking that a newspaper man present might be disposed to make a sensational story of the incident, said to the clergyman: “Pid you know, when you pulled off your coat, that one of those . newspaper fellows was in meetin’?'’ “I did, indeed,” responded the preacher, “but I had my eye on it all the time!” ♦ + + A SAILOR’S . DESCRIPTION OF HIS BRIDE. A seafaring man who has recently married gives the following description of his bride and her apparel, which we think will put some of the “society papers” to the blush:— “ My wife is jhst as handsome a craft as ever left millinery dry dock, is clip-per-built, and with a figurehead not often seen on small craft. Her length of keel is 5 feet 8 inches, and displaces 27 cubic feet of air; of light draught, which adds to her speed in a ballroom; full in the waist, spars trim. “At the time we were spliced she was newly rigged fore and. aft with standing rigging of lace and flowers; mainsail part silk, with fore staysail of Valenciennes. - Her frame was of the best steel covered .with silk, with whalebone stanchions. This rigging intended for fair weather cruising. She has also a set of storm .sails for rough weather, and is rigging out a small set of canvas for light squalls, which are liable to occur in this latitude sooner or later. lam told in running down the street before the wind she answers the helm beautifully, and can turn round in her own length if a handsomer craft passes her.” AN INTERRUPTED GAME OF POKER John B. Bloggs and Silas K. Shuttle are both canned goods packers in Chicago. They are fierce rivals. They both happened to start off to “do Europe” at the same time. One Sunday morning chance threw them into the same pew in a London church. When the collection plate came round Bloggs took it in his hand, put in a five-dollar bill, held it under the nose of Shuttle, and said: “I’ll raise you on anything you like to go.” Shuttle deposited a ten-dollar bill. Bloggs sat down, put the plate on his knee, and with cheerful alacrity took out his wallet to find fifteen dollars. And they might have been at it still if the horrified church-warden had not interfered. Of course, if you don't understand the American national card game of “poker” you won’t understand this story. + + + AS INTERPRETED. The editor of a Wellington paper on one occasion received a letter from the member of Parliament for his district, whose writing was notoriously hard to decipher. He could not read it all, and su he showed it to several of the leading men of the town. • Finally they made out that the letter wished the editor to meet the ALP. to confer on a political point. There was one word at the close that no one could translate. , The two met, and in the course of the conversation the editor pulled out the letter and said: “Air. D , what is this word? I showed it to about half the men in our town, and not one of them could make it cut.” I Air. D looked at the word in silence. and then exclaimed—• “Why, good gracious that’s ‘Confidential!’"

LORD BERESFORD'S DIPLOMACY. The statement that Lord Charles Beresford will seek the first opportunity of returning to the House of Commons directly his present command in the Mediterranean expires has revived a host of stories about this popular Admiral. One of the best of these deals with an incident that took place when he was only a junior lieutenant. The first lieutenant on the ship was a. bit of a martinet, and had given strict instructions that none of the officers were to be allowed to make coffee or grog after eight in the evening. It was very cold, wet and stormy one evening, and Beresford was determined to get a cup of hot coffee by hook or by crook, first lieutenant or no first lieutenant. He went boldly to the quartermaster and demanded hot water. ‘What might it be for sir!” asked the quartermaster suspiciously. “To make coffee with,” replied Beresford frankly. “Quite impossible, sir,” answered the quartermaster. “The first liutenant’s instructions are very strict.” Seeing that the man was not to moved, Lord Charles went off on another tack. “Look here, quartermaster,” he said, “it is a beast of a night; wouldn’t you like some nice hot coffee?” “I should indeed, sir, but it cannot be done.” “We will see about that,” said Beresford. “You get the water and I will get permission for the coffee.” The quartermaster was visibly wavering, ami at last he said, “Well, sir, the commander is on the bridge; if he says you can have the water, why, that would be ally right. Without another word Beresford went up to the bridge and, saluting the commander, said, “It is very cold up here, sir; will you let me bring you a cup of coffee?” The commander readily assentted to this innocent suggestion, and, elated beyond measure at his success, Beresford rushed down to the quartermaster, quickly made the coffee, and conveyed a cup of it to the commander, and then he ami the quartermaster proceeded to dispose of the remainder, secure in the knowledge that the officer of the watch, and the first lieutenant's superior, had given them permission. + ♦ + MILITARY RED TAPE IN INDIA. The precision of organization and discipline that is the very foundation of military' life is always a matter of wonder and admiration to the civilian. He may express impatience with army “red tape,” yet he has a lurking regard for this very thing which he condemns, because he knows, vaguely', that it has a reason for being and that it is good for mon generally to be compelled to respect a silent force as powerful and dignified as this is. Red tape is a serious matter, not to be lightly treated by anyone, soldier o eotis uf ea btbserv utheo rcivilian, ose or civilian, but the observance of its “code” to the very letter probably never was more complete than in the case of a native officer in India. This babu, who was in charge of the documents of a certain town, found that they were being seriously' damaged by Tats. He wrote to the government to provide him with weekly rations for two cats to destroy the rats. The request was granted, and the two cats were installed—one, the larger of the two, receiving slightly- better rations than the other. All went well for a few weeks, when the supreme government of India received the following dispatch: “I have the honour to inform you that the senior eat is absent without leave. What shall I do?” The problem seemed to bailie the supreme government, for the babu received no answer. After waiting a few days he sent off n proposal: “In re absentee Cat. I propose to promote the junior eat, and in the meantime to take into government service a probationer eat on full rations.” The supreme government expressed its approval of the scheme, and things once more ran smoothly in that department.