MATED BY MAIL

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXVI, Issue 3, 20 January 1906, Page 12

MATED BY MAIL

By

Frances De Wolf Fenwick

HOW JUDICIOUS ADVERTISING MAY SECURE A HUSBAND FOR THOSE IN NEED OF ONE.

jr ISS BESSIE HOPKINS and her I masterful lady friend Miss I I Jane McHenry were pouring / over a copy of the Matrimon- ▼ ial News. Miss Bessie read aloud the following interesting items: "Lady, forty years of age, good looking, dark, line figure, income live thousand . a year, would like to meet a gentleman who contemplates matrimony. Must be good looking, athletic, submissive, no vices, and no objection to eats. Address Particular.” "'lvntl ?in.an, tall, good looking, of dark complexion) and fine manners,, salary one thou-and dollars per annum, would like to meet fair lady who understands housekeeping, cooking, and sewing. Money no qbject. Address Practical. "1-ady, blonde, good, housekeeper, exceptionally swell dresser, who is tired of single life, is willing to make acquaintance of any gentleman who has an eye to matrimony. Age and appearance not so much an object as a happy home. No reasonable offer re ” "lamd sakes, Bess, do leave out the women! ” "< icnljrman, medium height, -attractive appearance, moderate salary, is willing to make acquaintance of a lady with a view to matrimony. 1-ady must •be young, handsome, well educated, intellectual, musical, excellent charac-. ter, sweet temper, domestic, good cook, tine seamstress, affectionate ami fitted to shine in society. Blonde or brunette immaterial, but features must be regular and colouring perfect; also neat and : stylish in appearance. Address, stating qualifications (and enclosing photograph) Modesty.” "Gentleman, thirty years of age, aristocratic appearance, stylish dresser,, wishes to mce ; t Jady of means. Age,, figure and coinplexion no object. Ad-, dress De vol ton.-’ Here Be*sic Hopkins laid down the Matrimonial News with a faint sigh. "I'm afraid it ain’t no use, Jane.” she said despondently. "None, o’ them, would look at me.” "And why not, 1 should like to know.*” demanded her friend with. as-, perity., ”1 tell you what it is. Bess, if you lake that line you’re never goin’ t-o get no man. ’Perk up. for goodness sake. Now. why do you think none o’ them would look, at you?’” "-Why why-—” : - •' "If its Devotion you’re thinkin’ of.” said Jane with a snort. “you won't ger. him that's sure, and a good thing, too. I should think. And as for Reliable and-' Enterprise, and the rest of ’em - well, they seem to think a good deal about looks and and ” "1 know. 1 haven’t none,” muttered

“Well, not so to speak” said her friend delicately. "Not so to speak nor any other way, Jane,” returned Bessie. "I'm’ as plain, as they’re made, and.J know at. But that don’t prevent me from wantin’ to marry, and I'd make a good wife, too, if 1 say it as shouldn't. "If a man wants someone as’ll cook his three meals a day for him, and keep his house as clean as a new pin, and do it all for a roof over her head, and the pleasure of being called Mrs.—well, here 1 am. "As for the man I don't seem to care what he is, so long as he is a man. I’d be some thankful to get anything. "1 don’t think this is a real nice way to do it. I'd rather have been asked, a good deal. But I’m thirty-three, and I never have been asked, and I'm a-goin’ to get a 'man. and Tni a-goin' to move away from Greenville if I die for it. There, that’s the way I feel about it, Jane, and if you wanter you can go right now and tell the neighbours.” "Bessie,” said Jane earnestly, “if I were in your place I'd do the same, though I ain’t much oil meridge myself, and I’ll tell you why. Igo by the name of Miss McHenry in Greenville, but my rightful name is Mrs. Joseph Brand ” "Jane.” “Yes, sir, Airs. Brand—-and I’m that ashamed of the creature wot guv me that name that 1 wouldn’t pay him the compliment of livin’ under it or ownin' to it in public. It was in New, York City that I mef him, and it was in New York City that he left me without so much as a *hy your leave,' when he’d been married to mo only two days. "If he’d even stopped with me a year I wouldn't a' minded so much ; but two days, Bessie, and him that ’nd sworn in public to love, honour, and obey me all his life—or words to that effect —to say nutbin* of all he said in private which, land knows, don’t count for anythin’ where men are concerned, but still "Would you believe it, Bess? Me—me to be left in two days—and never a word from him sence. And yet, land knows.” Jane muttered, gulping audibly. "if he was to turn up now, the brute. 1 might be fool enough to—-but no fear, Bess; I’ll never hear from him again. "Oh. they're a bad lot —men! But don’t let that discourage you. Bess; you may get a real good ’un. Many a good thing you get through the advertisement columns now-a da vs that you can’t

get in the regular line of business. But men’s men, and, land knows, I’ve had a sickenin’ of them.” Bessie listened in silence, staring in dismay at her friend. The Colorado Matrimonial News, from whieh Bessie had been, reading, had dropped from her lap to the floor. Jane picked it up, and after a minute rattled the paper violently and ejaculated ‘'Bessie!” "Well ?” ‘•Well, d’ye say? You may well say well. You’re fair ain’t you? You’re a good cook, ain’t you? You can sew with any one, can’t you? ‘‘Well, here’s a man, tall, dark, an’ good lookin’, with one thousand dollars a year, and all he wants a first-class housekeeper. Not a word about money or looks, mind you! Bessie, you’re in luck. Well, what’s the matter now? Ain’t he ” “I—l—l ’spose when he says fair he means light complected, eh-?” "Sure!” said Jane disdainfully. “He ain’t no hysterical novelist. When he says fair he means fair, you may bet on that. Bess, you’re in luck. Tall, dark, good-lookin’—you’ll write this very evening, my dear. There’ll be more than one after that bargain.” “Jane, you're my friend, and a good friend you’ve been to me, too. Look ahere, now. You’ve been waitress in New York City this five year. What’s your opinion of this facial massage they talk about? Is there anything in.it?” “Is there?” said Jane, volubly. “I should say there was.” ‘■Jane, did you ever hear of their curin' a face?” “A face? What do you mean? Faceache?” “No; just of—'well —just of—Jane, you take a good look at me, and tell me if you don’t think there’s a many things my face needs to be cured of.” “Look ahere!” said Jane with sudden determination. “You drop that! You're no beauty, and I know it as well as you do. Your eyes are no account, your hair’s thin and sandy, and your skin’s as yaller as my dress. “But, land sakes, you should just see my cousin Matilda. She’d a mouth like a barn door, and a squint, and I'll be hanged if she didn’t marry an undertaker who keeps three hearses and not one of ’em empty the year round. “And if her, why not you? Put a

stout face on’ it, Bess, and you’ll get that feller yet. And if he ever gives you to understand that he’d like something better in the line o’ faees than you’ve got to show, you up and tell him plainly that he’s gettin’ a seamstress and a cook and a washerwoman and a housekeeper and a wife, and he can’t expect a Lily Langtry thrown in for one thousand dollars a year. “That’s the way to keep ’em down, Bess. Now, we’ll compose your letter together, and when its drawn out I’ll give you some New York note-paper that I’ve got tied up inside of a JoekeyClub seent sachet. That'll show him you’re somebody right off.” Bessie hesitated. But the talc of the lucky Matilda, who, with no better ammunition than a squint and a mouth like a barn door, had succeeded in capturing three well-filled hearses, together with the undertaker pertaining thereto, had filled her simple soul with joy and hope unutterable; and haunted by this glorious precedent, she finally* took heart of grace, and, with the aid of the friendly Jane, she indited a letter to “Practical.” This was duly received by the editor of the Matrimonial News, and placed ■by him in the hands of the “gentleman, tall, good-looking, of dark complexion, and tine manners,” in whose future life poor Bessie Hopkins so ardently desired to have a share. It follows: Dear Sir, I am a blonde with light hair with n touch »f auburn and a fair skin. If I say it is shouldn’t, I am a very fine cook and can sew first-rate. Seeing as 1 am used to limited means, I know how to make money go a long way. I am not pressing in my wants* and only wish a husband. If you like what I say and want to keep up the correspondence, I will be your true wife. Hoping to receive a favourable Answer at your earlyest eonvenyence, I am. Kind Sir, Yours very respectfully Well-Wisher. P.S, Please address all comuneeations to W. W. Care Miss Jane Henry, Greenville, Mass, and avoid talk. This epistle resulted in an interchange of letters which tell their own story, and are here subjoined. To Well-Wisher. Dear Miss, Yours of the 17th to hand i want to expres myself delited with kind comuneeation wich left me pleased and satisfied that you would be a good wife Are you in earnest about being a blonde i want to know for I do not like brunetts. i like lite ha Jr and do not keer much if it is red doer lady it is al rite about the salary and I want to marry verry soon will you not rite and say you will have me i enclose refarence from late employ-

tr plees return as it kiuas in yuseful but want you to see 1 am o. k. Yours iu much love, Practical. R.S. Is. your hair strait- i like strait hair mine is eurly. Enclosed Reference. This is to certify that Andrew Jones is aa industrious and sober workman. He has been in my establishment for eight years and has proved honest and satisfactory. Signed Peter MaeMuNen. To Practical. Hear Sir, I have thought carefully over your Proposal and have decided to consider it. I am a lonely woman and eery tired of the country and should love to live in New York, where for a small sum I could ride on the Elevated and see the sights which u friend of mine a wealthy New York lady tells me arc line. Ho not think mo extravagant or giddy by this. I am very saving but my friend says no real New York Geat ever thinks of ten cents. I mean no offeuce but if you could give me further particulars with regard to your family, etc,, you would greatly oblige me. Believe me Sir with sincerest »ega rds, Your faithful, Well-Wisher. I’.S. I think curly hair is sweet. To Well-Wisher. Bear W. W. I got your letter o. k. and want to say i hope i’m a real New York Gent and i want to say you can ride ou the elevated any day you want and ile take you. to cony island on our honeymun and anything else you want in reason not to speak of the animuls in the park ou Sunday which you get free i want to say i like your stile first rat and if all parties are willing ide like to sort of settle things up 'by taking a trip to Greenville to see you and sample your cooking which if it H o. k. we can ger. married rite of my peeput live in the South you wont see them do. you tike curly hair, i am so glad mine is curly i am very dark send me time-table and let me know when you want me to cum i will bring you a present if agreeable i hope you will not brake oil the Ina 1 ch it would be.-roag it- would be foolish too becuz i am making good money i will take you to the flatiron and grants loom and cony island on our • weding tour so no more from your devotted lover Andrew Jones, Esq. P. S. i may as well sine my name now as we arc so siiue to be made one what do you say shall i cum friday next. Mated by Mail THREE To Andrew Jone 1 , Esq. Dear Mr. Jones, I have received your letter, ami given it serious attention. If you will cast your eye over the enclosed time-table you will see that there is a train arrives at Martinville at 5.00 p.m. next friday. We have no station here and have to

drive twelve mites to Martinville to do our big shopping 1 can get a lift next Friday and 1 will meet you there. Martinville is very bu-tling and alt the Young Ladies go to meet the train because sometimes a stranger' stops over at Martinville so to avoid Confusion and Mistakes will you wear a red carnation. I will do so and will expect you Friday at five? we can get a Lift back and have supper, From your loving, Well-Wisher. To Miss Jane McHenry. My Dearest Jane, I am sitting in my front parlour writing to you. It is all settled and I am so happy. He has answered and I am to meet him to-day. He sent me a lot of perticulars in his last like this, he is 5 ft 11 inches an weighs 18'2 pounds and has curly eye-lashes to match his hair, just think how sweet. Just think of living in New York City and seeing the sky-scrapers and the Goulds and the wild beasts iu the Park and the Autos and seeing them along of Andy too. l*ve got so 1 always think of him as Andy now Oh I’m so happy. I've got my blue muslin on with the laee collar you gave me and my best hat with the yellow roses and the red carnation stuck in my belt. I thought I'd better get dressed before I wrote you. I feel so queer and shaky but I suppose it will pass off. I’ve got a thick white veil on so as he ean get used to me by degrees. Good-by dearest darling Jane. You don't know how happy 1 am darling and I owe it all to you. Good-by with loads and loads of love from Your loving grateful. Bessie. To Miss Bessie Hopkins. My Dear Darling Bessie, I know' how you’re feeling. I’ve lu-en there though I’ll never be there again unless some accident happens which I’m not looking for. But, Bess, I guess it would be a real good idea if I went to the station along with you. You ain’t a woman of the world like me you know, and men’s men, and seeing that. I lived in New York a. matter of six months and was married and deserted all inside :i ■week I guess it would be a good plan, for me to go along. If all’s O. K. I’d like to see the union of two young hearts though my heart’s dead and buried that ain’t no reason why I shouldn’t take an interest in my friend’s welfare and give them the benefit of my experience of life so good-bye Bess dear with much love and many kisses from your devoted Jane. On the day appointed for the appearance of Mr. Jones, the train that was to bear the matrimonial aspirant pulled into the Martinville station and came to a standstill. The usual crowd of men and women, with the youths and maidens of the town, thronged the station platform, drawn by an idle curiosity as to the. kind of human freight that might lie deposited that evening. Somewhat apart from the Martinvillites, and at a point of vantage whence a passenger could not fail to be seen should he descend from the train, stood two women. The one was a muscular Amazon, with undershot jaw, and an eye expressive of courage and determination. The other was thin, unliappy-looking. and fidgety. Upon her maiden bosom she wore a red earnation. A thick white veil concealed her face. She peered timidly about her. There was a sudden buzz of excitement in the crowd. The hearts of the two women beat fast and furious. Th® unlooked-for had happened. A passenger—a strange man—• had stopped at Martinville. He was tall and stalwart: his hair was black, and curled ambrosially; one hand held a bag and in his buttonhole flamed a red carnation! Advancing and looking about him, his eye at last rested upon the red carnation fastened upon Bessie’s breast. An expansive smile spread o-ver all the features of the face of the prospective bridegroom—for such he was. With eyes fixed upon Bessie and the red flower that flared a welcome to him, he strode complacently and confidently to her side,

Still smiling blandly and broadly, he n.’adc a graceful bow from the waist, with alt the dignity of a dancing master. At this moment a shriek, wilder and more piercing than a steam whistle, rent t'ae air, and Jane, with eye of fire aud strong right hand upraised, stood before the astonished stranger. "My husband!” she cried in wrathful; frenzied voice. A look of terror swept over the countenance of the sometime husband and would-be bridegroom. His bag fell unnoticed to the floor. “What That harpy here.” lie exclaimed. Then, with a howl of terror.

he turned and raced down tiie platform* took a flying leap for the last car of th® va.nlshing train, caught the rail, and fell panting in a heap upon the rear plat* form. A brakeman rescued Junes later, and aasialetl him tu a seat, into which he sank exhausted. “It’s a wise titan who knows when he’s had enough,” he WM heard to repeat again and 'again as he sat moping his perspiring brow. Lu the darkness of a country kitchen, two women a deserted wife and a disappointed bride-elect --mingle-1. that evening, their bitter tears.