[COMPLETE STORY.] Phineas Paragon at Poker

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXV, Issue 13, 30 September 1905, Page 50

[COMPLETE STORY.] Phineas Paragon at Poker

The Undermining Effect of Sassyfras When Served by a Fair One

By

Edgar W. Cooley

W ITH two hours to wait 11/ between trains. Cyrus SidB/B/ dons and 1 started upon a ■ » casual inspection of the town. (hir course ,In,v along Ilia main street, where rickety buildings elbowed each other and glared darkly end blue-shirted men lolled in Hie shadows. Presently we came to a store window made gaudy with red and green bottles and a sign done in charcoal. When he beheld the placard. Siddons paused suddenly and clutched my arm. ■Spell it!” he cried. “Spell it, spell it!” “S-a-s. sas; s-y, sy, sassy: f-r-a-s, fras •—sassy fra s,” 1 said. ( thought he would pinch my arm in two. “Spell it again!” he exclaimed. •‘Spell it real slow. I did. and the melancholy that settled upon his face was a thing to ponder on. Silently he led me back to the station and claimed sanctuary in 'the shade of the water-tank. Then he sighed. ••|’m consumin' with sorter for Phineas,” said he. “Know Phineas Boostnicker? No? Well, he’s a shattered wreck bully-washin’ around on the wiki and roarin’ sea of busted hopes, and all on account of. sassyfras.” “Sassafras.” said 1. “Yes.” said he. “sassyfras. The how of il was this: Phineas and me. we copartnered round considerable, and finally takes claims in Oklahoiny. where we settles down to enjoy the delirium of a lonesomeness that was dense enough to amputate with a wood-saw. “Pardner. ever cultivate an ally pat hie dose of* the genooine' homesickness? Pardner, it’s worsor'n riinnin’ your immortal soul through a barb-wire niacin no*. It puts kinks .all over you. You ain’t got no more appetite than a millionaire with seven kinds of dyspepsy. TFie smell .of bacon precipitates an insurrection in your department of the interior, and a long-distance squint of a jp*tprant inaugurates the cussedeat siege* of insomnia on .record.* kYou just perambulate- over th? landscape with feet that tries persistent to swap sides, and knees that ain’t got no more animations than a wet rag. You lay awake nights wishin’ that you could meet, up with the fool-killer, and you spend your days standin’ on the Tagged edge of eternal dissolution and gazin’ with yearnin' eves on the gloryhalleluiah. “Pardner. me and Ph in. we got it. and got it bad. specially Phin. Honest, he vent around lookin' like a forlorn hope, ■with no extenuatin' circumstances whatsoever. If ever there was a mortal bein’ who was prepared to meet his finish light-down cheerful. the same was Phineas. About one-third of the time he was too melancholy to know whether he was an example of the present tense or simply a fadin’ recollection of the late lamented, and the rest of it he was ton blamed miserable to can*. • Pardner. if the spirits in the thermometer ever git as low as Ph in's were during that period of contemporaneous history? this here vale of sorrer won’t thaw out in a million years. “Think of it! Never-endin’, neverchangin' sorrer-brewm’ scenery as far as you could see in two looks, and vary a whiff of anything to make an aureate crack in the clouds of our discontent. It was sure heart-renderin'. ‘•Well, about the time that I began to savvy that the population of Oklahoiny stood to be reduced by one, and it was goin’ tu be up to me to supply the necessary embellishments of a Hutch funeral, Phin comes ripplin’ down to my cabin, splutterin’ like a Pour th of Inly niggerchaser ami mixin’ up hi- nords wor-<*r’n a dies’nary. " _ “1 grabs him. ‘Phin.’ says I. 'you’re loco! Sit down ami catch your breath!’ ‘No.* says he. ‘I won’t sit. down. Ymi fuller me.' * With that he prances off a little ways; but, J*, just stands and looks at him until h? turns around. •‘Com?,’ he yells, ‘come, cornel’ The

last word sounded like the bustin’ of a twenty-hoss-power b’iler. It was the awfullest yell that ever raised a crop of hair. 1 went, because I had heard that the best way to ileal with a lunatic is to humor ’im. “Phineas leads me to a little eminence and p’ints my face towards the north-east. ‘Now,’ says he, ‘squint your optics.’ 1 squinted. “After about, two seconds had succeeded in passin’ without interruption, Phin grows anxious. ‘Cyrus Siddons,’ says he, ‘do you notice anything?’ “‘Yes,’ says I, ‘I sees about the infernaliest stretch of prairie a human critter ever looked upon without stampedin’.’ “‘Not that,’ says lie, scowlin'; ‘but over there by them willers. Don’t you see somethin’ kinder wavin’ in the air, like our departin’ hopes beckonin’ to us? Say, don't you?’ “I focused my sight apparatus upon the particular portion of the universe lie had mentioned and got a shock. ‘Phineas,’ says 1, after I had given my blood a chance to circulate again, ‘Phineas. it’s—it's smoke!’ “ ‘lt is smoke,’ says he, ‘and bein’ smoke, it implies the presence of a mortal bein’. Smoke,’ says he, 'don’t permeate the ambient air of Oklahoiny without’ cause or occasion. Let’s go see.” “So we seouts. In half an hour wo meets up with a little ten-by-twelve dugout in the side of a knoll. There’s a winder starin’ at us like a picture of-the old homestead. Careful, Phin raises his chin to the level of the sill. Then he clutches wild-like at the atmospherc.and tumbles into my arms. -• “1 drags.him into some chaparral and lavs him down. Pretty soon he opens his eyes and tries to get up; but I holds him. ‘Phineas,’ says I, ‘there ain’t no doctor this side of Kingfisher, and I don't know what’s good for appleplexy. You've got to cool off before you sets this cussed prairie afire.’ .“‘Leggol’ he cries. ‘Let me have another squint, Cyrus —just one more ’fore I die.’ “ Phin.’ says I, ‘what is the use of gel tin’ so excited? Calm yourself and explain, before I lets you up.' ~ “He laid back and consumed the next fXvo minutes in' gurglin’-like an intermittent spring. Then a look comes into his face that was as near one of angelic beauty as I could reasonably expect to see on Phin’s facial embellishments. . “ ‘lt,’ says he, “is a —a woman!’ “Pardner, did you ever draw to a lone ace and get a straight flush? Pardner. if you did. you can get some idee of the animations that made all niv internal organs peal forth in a grand chorus. After my fingers had quit tinglin' and my heart had ceased doin the burglar-alann act on my ribs, I looks at Phineas, and Phineas looks at me. “ ‘You.’ says I, ‘are too excited to do the oratin', and it’s up to me to break the news to Sally.’ I tried to speak calm, but I hadn't seen a bit of ealiker for so long that I couldn't help wonderin’ how it would look. “At that Plrin riz up. ‘Cyrus Siddons,’ says he in a voiee so sharp it cut jagged holes through his teeth — ‘Cyrus Siddons. full well 1 will admit that we have lieen closer together thin two brothers; but if you dare to even hint that it is your place to open communication with that innerceiit and blushin’ female bein’, here's where we part our friendship in the middle. Besides,’ says he, ‘didn’t I discover her? Say, didn’t I?' “‘Von did,’ says I. ' ; ' “ ‘Then I don't want to bear no more out of yon.’ says he. ‘Come along!’ “So we glides around to the door and peeks in, and there's the most be-yoit.

tiful fairy that ever smiled honey since Eve went huntin’ for a house. Of course, now that many a month has succeeded in elapsin’ since that delightful occasion, I will admit that possibly she would not have won the first prize at a beauty show, but under the conditions made and provided she sure was a joy forever. “When she easts her eyes in our inimejit direction, Phin evoluted into a grinnin' monolith. I sees the embarrassments was goin’ to coagulate and I tries to speak, but my heart had got lodged in my windpipe. So we both takes o our hats and bows low. “With that the livin’ statue of Venus opens the prettiest little mouth I’d seen since 1 kissed mother good-bye, and lets out a few words that sounded like breakin’ a hunk out of a nightingale’s song,, and me and Phineas we bows ag’in. “Then Phin shakes off his attack of partial paralysis and breaks forth in an oratorical effort appropriate to the occasion. “‘Mar’m,’ says he, speakin’ through the environments of his dizzy joy, ‘if thar’s anybody around here that you’d like to have'massacred—an Injun, f’r instance, or a grizzly—why, me and Cyrus we’s just achin’ to kill somethin’— ain't we, Cyrus?’ “ ‘Yes. mar’m,’ says I, lookin’ real fierce. ‘We is.’ “The symphony in blue laughed like a whole lot of little jinglin’ bells and remarked that she hadn’t savvied that Oklahoiny was overcrowded at the present writin'. Then she looks at Phineas and sees where the homesickness had been gnawin’, and the sweetest sadness that ever broke a man’s heart comes into her eyes. ■ “‘Why'. my poor man,’ says she, ‘you're ill!’ “Them few words of sympathy came put’nigh bein’ the finish of Phineas, but

by a mighty effort he succeeds in keepin’ the spark of life flickerin’ feebly in his manly busom. But when he’d accumulated enough courage to ag'in raisa his eyes, the fairy had vanished. Pretty, soon she conies to the door ag'in, and in her hand is a tumbler and in the glass is a liquid what’s red to look upon. “ ‘Here,’ she says, handin’ the bev’« ridge to Phin, ‘drink it.’ “Phin takes it and bubbles with ecstasy. ‘Mar'm,’ says he, ‘l’ll drink it to oblige ye. not meanin’ that I'm fond of strong drink when it's ragin'.’ “ ‘Oh,’ says the angel, ‘that's not licker; it's just——’ “Phin removes the glass from his lips with a disappointment that was consumin’. ‘Eh ?’ says he. ‘You was about to remark, mar'm?’ “ ‘lt’s just sassyfras,’ says she. “Pardner, when I heard that word, I could sense trouble like a hunger-hobbled coyote scents the last lingerin’ memory, of a dead-and-buried mustang. Howsomever, I didn't say nothin’, it not bein’ my play. “Phin gazes long and meditatively at the scarlet fluid. Finally he asks in mournful accents: ‘Did I understand you to say, mar'm, that it's sassyfras?’ “The livin’ picture remarked she did. “ ‘Um, yes,’ replied Phin, squinting dolefully at the goblet. ‘Sassyfras, sassyfas—whar’ did I hear that word before, Cyrus?’ ‘that, says I, not wishin’ to expos, my ignorance, ‘is a foreign word, Phineas. It was the nectar of the gods, if my airly education is worthy of confidence.’ “.‘I might have known,' says he, grinnin' at the goddess that stood beamin’ on him like a burst of sunlight. Well, here’s howl!’ With that he shuts his eyes, elervates the glass real slow, opens his mouth, gives a gurgle, a cough and a gasp, and looks at me. Lucky his ribs were equal to the strain. If he had died with that expression on his face, it would have marred the funeral. “The occasion was too solemn for idla words, so we. didn’t say nothin' until wa was part ways homo. Then Phin, he pauses and looks at me. “ ‘Cyrus Siddons,’ says he, ‘am I right side out ?’ i “ ‘You be, Phineas,’ says I, convincin’. “‘Well, then,’ says he, ‘I don't need no bath; but 1 do need a drink, Cyrus—-

• barlful, irrigation-diti-hful, Mississ-ij>jri=-Riverful.’ • - “‘All right, Piiineas,’ says I; ‘but what is the use of gettin’ so excited!’ “ ‘l’m not excited,’ says he’. Tin happy in the thought that I’m about to lay down my life for the good of my feller-men. 1 go, but I leave behind me, Cyrus, a world robbed of its sorrer by my havin’ lived.’ “Now, now, now!’ I began; but Phineas shuts me off. ‘Cyrus,’ says he, ‘this minute I’m assimulatin’ all the bitterness there is in this cussed world, and when I’m gone, it stands to reason “ ‘Cheer up, Phineas,’ says I, takin’ a hitch in my own spirits. “ ‘Cyrus,’ says he, ‘you’ve been a patient and sympathisin' observer of yours truly battlin’ with all the troubles of this vale of tears, and I'm much obliged to ye. But, Cyrus, you can’t have the tintiest, wintiest idee of iny present feelin’s unless you take a good swig of sassyfras.’ “Howsoincver, pardner, it wasn’t forty-eight hours till Pbin allows that another swaller of that scarlet bitterness is the only thing that stands between him and the golden gates. So away he goes, gambolin’ across the prairie like a little lamb. In about two hours he comes back with a taste in his mouth like the mornin’ after, but a joy in his eyes that was spillin’ itself all over his principal features. “After that he seems to pick up amasin’, and one day he comes over to where I’m siftin’ on a soap-box'tryin’ to hate myself to death, and slaps me on the shoulder. “‘This is a gay world, ain’t it?’ says he. “’Yes,* says I, tryin' to be cheerful. “ ‘Now,’ says he, ‘if my’ health was only good.’ “ 'What’s ailin’ you now, Phineas?’ eays I, solicitous. "He fishes an old almanac out of his pocket and names over about eighteen different and distinct brands of afflictions, and allows he has ’em all. ‘And the funny part of it,’ says he,.when he had finished leadin’ the catalogue, ‘is that there is just one thing as is good for all them different varieties of sickness.’ “‘And that?' says I. “ 'And that,’ says he, ‘is sassyfras, Cyrus ; just plain, honest, ’ red sassyfras,’ and he hands me a look that would have been considered important in a breach-of-promise ease. “It wasn’t on time, pardner. till there was a regular beaten path across the prairie, and the scent of sassyfras all along the way. “The situation was certainly gifted with amazin’ possibilities; and I couldn’t sense any better prospect than a riile of 50 miles after a parson, and a quiet weddin’ on the lone prairie, ■when along comes a young male critter from down New Orleans way who the same was a land speculator. “Pardner, that land speculator was sure an exhibit of note. Pardner, he had all the general characteristics of a fashion plate. His collars and cuffs were as spotless as the character of Angel (Jabriel, and he wore a sparkler in his frontispiece that would have

petrified a coyote at a hundred yards. When you see him, you couldn’t think of nothin’ or dream of nothin’ but national banks, ■ automobiles, steam yachts, et cet’ry. “it wasn’t long till he demonstrated a most engagin’ way of whoopin’ up an acquaintance with Phin’s prairie flower, until the clocks went backwards. “The effect on Phineas was spontaneous and endurin’. All them eighteen different ailments broke out afresh, and he immejitly suspended all his agricultural activity and engaged exclusively in red-lightin’ his interior with pailsful of sassyfras. “Pardner, he was too busy to eat. lie swore sassyfras, sang sassyfras, perspired sassyfras, till that particular section of this mundane sphere became soaked so full of sassyfras that you couldn’t have told a prairie fire from a Cheyenne uprishi’. When I got to thinkin’ of all the poor little kids in the big cities bein’ deprived of sassyfras to appease the consumin’ love of Phineas, 1 wept. “Margareet, that was the lady’s name, she’d smiled right encouragin’ at Phin, and Phin would prance around, bumpin’ his head ag’in’ the clouds; then she’d kinder switch over to Monte Cristo, and Phineas would evaporate so much despondency that the buffalograss would wither in spots till the face of nature looked like an infant prodigy with the measles. “But Phin’s manoeuvres didn't banish no dreams from Mr Diamond Flush. He was as polite as a political candidate and as slick as a bar’l of soft-soap. He just kept on baskin’ in the warmth of Margarett’s smiles till he had Phin reduced to a frayed remnant. Then 1 savvies somethin’ must be done. “So one day 1 lassos Monte. ‘Friend,’ says I, ‘your persistent attention to Miss Margareet is rapidly developin’ into the extenuatin’ circumstances of a violent death. It occurs to me,’ says 1, ‘that honour is conductive to good health in Oklahomy, and honour demands that you allow skill or chance to decidt: between you and Phineas.’ “Monte thinks awhile, then kinder laughs and hands me an answer. ‘Poker,’ says he. “So it was arranged that the two were to meet in my shanty that right; but I had my misgivin’s. Phin never was much of a game-bird, and his knowledge of poker was about as dense as his knowledge of trigynometry, which the same he didn’t know a pa ry lielogram from a total eclipse. Howsoincver, it was the best that could lie donp. “I puts in a few idle hours learnin’ Phireas the ruddyments of Hie great American institution, and by sundow i 1 prided myself he savvied the ditferc ice betveen a pair and a royal Hush. Keep your nerve, Phin.’ says I, when 1 sees Mcnte navigatin’ in aor direction. ‘Nerve.’ says I, ‘is tiie brain ami sinners of poker.’ “ ‘Cyrus,’ says he. ‘ain’t I a livin’, breathin’ repository of aqueous sassyfras? And when it comes tv i nerve invigorator. Cyrus, sassyfras ain't askin’ no odds of airy tonic, past, pretent or future.’ “When the preliminaries was arranged and the two sat down beside the bar’l that served yours truly as a centre-table, it became necessary, owin’ to a famine in the Oklahomy chip market. to press my household utensils into service. “The land speculator deals, and I sees, Phin’s hand. He has the ace of hearts, t he aee of etubs, the ten-spot of spades,-the trey of diamonds, and the live-spot of hearts. Pardner, when my optips rested upon them aces, I had to hold by breath to keep from yellin’. "Phineas sits and studies them pasteboards for two minutes, then a smile creeps across his face, and he opens with a tin cup. Monte covers it with a saucer, ami Phin lays the two brunettes on the table. “‘Bouncin’ Betsy!' says I to myself, ‘he’s discarded one of tinm aces.’ But I couldn’t do nothin' then; it was too late. Only I savvies that here’s where Miss Margareet loses her opportunity of bein’ hitched to a blubberin’ imbecile. “Monte discards three and deals two to Phin, which when I sees the same, I almost drops dead. They were the ace of diamonds and the four-spot of hearts. “When Monte picks up his cards I sees a tight iff his windows that didn’t deal no hilariousness to Phineas. llowsomever, Phin seems confident, and shoves a fryin’-pan into the centre of the table. Monte covers it with n tea-kettle and raises it n wash-boiler. Phin shies

a wringer upon the pile and toilers it with two ilat-irons. ‘Good,’ says I. ‘Phin’s nerve-tonic is workin’ all right.’ • Monte hesitates a minute, bui finally meets Phin’s bet and raises it a tin-pail. Quick as thought Phin shoves in a stove-poker and a wooden bucket. ’ • “‘lt’s yours,’ ejaculates Monte, and lays down three kings. Phin drops his hand, and the speculator swears. “ ‘Here,’ says I to myself, “is where Phin loses out. ‘lf he hadn’t let Monte know that he was bluffin' ' But Phin was dealin’, and I grew interested. “Monte anties; Phin anties. Monte draws four; Phin stands pat. I glances at Phin’s hand, and goes out doors and cusses the shingles off the roof. “When I comes back Monte and Phin is bettin’ my household furniture with right reckless hand, and Phineas isn’t holding nothin’ but the tin and deuce of diamonds anil the eight, six. and four of clubs. “Pretty soon Phin bets the cookstove and Monte comes back with tlio kitchen cupboard, one chair, two cracker boxes, ami the coffee-pot. Things is gettin’ interestin'. Phin raises that a set of cracked dishes, and Monte cover* with my bunk and blanket. That finishes the speculator’s available funds, so he calls. “‘Got a full house, ten high,’chirrups Phineas. unblushin’. Monte never waits to see. but gets up and stnlks gloomily out, and that’s the last I ever see of him. “When he’s gone. T picks up his hand and sees two pair—aces and kings. Phin sets there grinnin’. “‘Well.’ says 1. indignant that my ■teachin’ had been in vain, ‘seems to me you’d a-played fair, anyway.’ “‘I did play fair.’ says he. rufflin’ up. “ ‘No. you didn't.’ says I. ‘Yon said you had a full house, and you ain't got nothin’—not even a measly little pair.' “‘I have got a full house,’ growls he. ‘l’ve got three clubs and two diamonds.’

“With that Phineas ripple* out of the house, Mowin’ the stars out of his v«iy. and steers straight lor that* little llickerin light across Ihr pnririr. In an hour he comes back, lookin’ like a i’liicral procession and sighin’ at regular and right frequent’ intervals. •“Well*’ says 1. “‘Well,’ says lie. sensin’ my question, ‘her husband’s here--am! two kith.’ “‘Her husband?* says I. “‘Yes,’ says he, leaning’ in the corned like an old broom. ‘Came this even in.’ “‘Forget her.’, says 1. “‘Forget her?’ says he. ‘luirget hoi? With three inches of coagulated fras plastered all over the midst of Phineas Bnostnicker, how can he forget her? Say. how can he?” “Pardner. half that night I lay awake try in' to think of somethin’ to sav t<» Phineas to cheer him up. But I didn’t have no chance, for by mornin' Phin had evaporated from tin* landscape, leavin’ only a regretful memory and the pungent odour of sassyfras behind.”