HERE AND THERE.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXIV, Issue 19, 13 May 1905, Page 14

HERE AND THERE.

Up-to-date Advertising. A tombstone in the churchyard at Greenwich, England, bears the following inscription: "Here lies Clarinda, Wife of .Joseph Grant, Who keeps a chemist shop at No. 21, Berkley Road, And deals only in the purest of drugs.”

Some Bernard Shawiams. While we have prisons it matters little which of us occupy the cells. Hell is paved with good intentions, not with bad ones. All mean well. Life levels all men; death reveals the eminent. * The Chinese tame fowls by .clipping their wings and women by deforming their feet. A pettieoat around the ankles serves equally well.

By Proxy. A well-known sculptor is responsible for the following story of the "scrublady” who cares for his studio: "How many children have you. Mrs O'Flarity ?” he asked her one morning. “It's Riven I have, sir,” she replied; "four be the third wife of me second husband, and three be the second wife of me furst.”

Well Done. "Chicko,” said the cannibal ehief, turning to the cook, "this fellow was Scotch, wasn’t lie?” “Yes, your serenity; and we’ll have Scotch broth to-morrow.” . "Um! Very good. Chicko —for you. What was his name?” “I don't know. He didn't hand me his card. But here's his collar. Maybe that’ll show.” “Ha! Yes; here it is. Douglas— Douglass. Ah, Douglass. Douglass, tender and true! Chicko, push the kettle over a little nearer.”

But the Pen Is Mightier. In some parts of Ireland it is a custom among bank-clerks to speak of one another as “officers” of the bank; but little Jim Bender, the recently-imported Cockney waiter in a co. Mayo hotel, was not aw'arc of this custom. “Have y<»i seen any of our officers here this morning?’’ asked a lordly knight of the quill of Jim a few days ago. Jim glanced kemly at his interrogator. "Yussir,” he answered promptly. “It isn’t three minutes ago since one of ’em went out —with his sword bi’ind ’is ear!”

How Lord Ranfurly Taught Deportment. In the days of Mr. Gladstone’s Home Rule Bill, New Zealand's late Governor Lord Ranfurly. so the story goes, took an active part in the proceedings of the l ister Convention League, and armed and himself drilled a corps of men. Mr. John Morley, then Chief Secretary, sent for Lord Ranfurly and told him he really must stop his belligerent actions or to prison he would have to go. "Oh. nonsense!” retorted Lord Ranfur-

ly; “you can’t put me in gaol just because 1 choose to get a few of my friends together and teach them deportment."’

Herr Profe»itir’« Letters. » A professor in a.German school, in order to teach his pupils letter-writing, recently conceived the happy idea of having them compose business letters which were enclosed in envelope and correctly addressed to various merchants in the town. In the evening Herr Professor, having carried the various epistles home for correction, left them on his table, and as was hs custom hied himself to the cafe.

It happened that he had a careful domestic, who seeing all the letters properly addressed at once concluded that her master had forgotten to mail them, and out of the goodness of her heart she stamped them and hurried to tire post. The stupefaction of the village merchants upon opening their mail the following morning may be imagined, and the amusing part of the incident is that many of the letters which contained lengthy orders for goods were taken seriously- and the orders promptly filled.

Similes in Rhyme. As wet as a ftsli —as dry as a bone. As live as a bird—ns dead as a stone. As plump as a partridge—as poor as a rat. As strong as a horse—as weak as a eat. As hard as a Hint—as soft as a mole. As white as a lily—as black as coal. As plain as a pikestaff—as rough as a bear. As tight as a drum —as free as the air. As heavy as lead—as light as a feather. As steady as time—uncertain as weather. As hot as an oven—as eold as a frog. As gay as a lark —as sick as a dog. As slow as a tortoise—ns swift as the wind. As true as the gospel—as false as mankind. Ah savage ns tigers—ns mild as a dove. As stiff as a poker—as' limp as a glove. As blind as a bat—as deaf as a post. As cool as a encumber—as warm as toast.

The Made-up Tie. "What’s wrong with the made up tie?” asks Mr. J. K. Jerome, in "To-Day.” "I gather from the fashionable novelist that no man can wear a madi?;up tie and be a gentleman. He may be a worthy man, clever, well-to-do, eligible from every point of view; but She, the refined heroine, can never get over the faet that lie wears a made-up tic. Of course, I know lam not a gentleman. I have given up hopes of ever being one. Years ago, when life presented possibilities, I thought that with pains and intelligence I might become one. I never succeededIt all depends on being able to tie a bow. Round the bed-post, or the neck of the water-jug, 1 could tie the wretched thing to perfection. The bed-post and the water-jug. in its neat white bow, looked like a gentleman—the fashionable novelist’s idea of a gentieman. Upon myself the result was otherwise, suggesting always a feeble attempt at suicide by strangulation.”

Sir 1 Henry Irving’s " Not at Home.” The recent illness of Sir Henry Irving recalls the following little anecdote of a former occasion on which the actor had to lie up. -Sir Henryhad injured his knee, and his doctor had ordered rest and quiet. Shortly after the physician departed, a visitor called anil asked to see Sir Henry. “He is not at home,” replied the butler. “Not at home?” said the visitor, in surprise. “No, he has gone to Brighton,” announced the butler at random. The well dressed visitor pulled out his watch and considered. “Brighton,'’ lie said. “I have just time to catch the next train down. 1 know his hotel there”- and away lie went on his fruitless errand. The visitor was Sir Edward Ponsonby, and his message was from the present King, then Price of Wales. And here is another amusing Irving anecdote. Sir Henry writes an exiecrable hand. When he wns in America he sent some friends a piece of notepaper on which were found undecipherable hieroglyphics. In despair they sent the paper to the chemist, and he, like a true Yankee, unwilling to lose a money-making opportunity, “made up” the prescription in more senses than one. And it was not until Sir Henry’ asked them liow they had enjoyed the play tha, bis friends discovered :nat rse strange writing was meant to be their pass into the theatre.

A Friend at Court. "What can I do with that boy?” she cried} He plays anil forgets to study." Five years old! But he tears hls clolhes, And gets his shoes all muddy. “Ke brings in eats and dogs and frogs; He’s late when meals are ready; I'm really worried half to" death—- - What shall 1 do with you, Teddy?” The culprit drooped a curly head; But the little* sister, bolder, I.a id a soft, defensive arm Caressingly round his shoulder. "You don't know what to do wif him?” »iie said Witli love that could never doubt him. “But, oh.' supposin’ we hadn't got Ted? What- would—you do—wifout him?’

Soldiers’ Teeth. Docs such a department as the War for them. A man who is not worth of human nature whatever? No doubt it thought it had done a clever thing when it decided to allow men with imperfect teeth to enlist, on condition that they would pay for new teeth or the sopping of old ones, such payment to come out of stoppages of another kind. As was to be expected a good many men came in on these terms, and, as was also to be expected, they afterwards backed out of them, refusing to see the dentist. We read in the “Daily Telegraph” that the Guards have suffered particularly in this respect. The War Office holds that the dentist cannot be forced upon the men, and that they may not remain soldiers without his services; and they must be discharged accordingly. We do not pretend to pity the War office. If it must have men, although their teeth are naturally, not good, it should pay for better teeth for them. A man who is not worth the price of a tooth or two is not worth much.

An Experiment at Monte Carlo. George Ade was describing a Monte Carlo experience. “ • *-‘<i “In the big, gilded, ornate halls,” he said, “women in beautiful gowns swept to and fro, and each gaming table was surrounded with players and onlookers, four or five rows deep. “I saw a young man in American clothes, a young woman in American clothes, and a boy in American clothes. “ 'l’m going to play. I’m going to risk S francs. I’m going to risk it on my, age,’ said the young woman. "She ran her eye over the three columns of yellow numbers 'on the table, and she set a silver 5 franc piece on eighteen. “ ‘Rien ne va plus,’ said the croupier. And the little white ball whirled round, dropped, clattered about S bit and rested. finally, in the No. 23. “ ‘Gosh, hang it, I’ve lost,’ sa’d tha American girl. ‘Eighteen doesn't win a i hing.’ “ ‘Say. Minnie,’ said her little brother, 'it’s a pity you didn’t bet on your real age. You’d have won then, woukln’4 you ?’ ”

A Learned Tramp. It is pathetic to read of the discovery that was made upon the person of a tramp at Wigan (England), when he was charged with begging, and searched accordingly. The man was evidently born for higher spheres than the casual ward. He had two diaries upon hiiit, full of information which leads to the belief that in time he would have disseminated Wisdom on the hire system to a thirsting British public. These diaries contained not only the names of nil the towns he had visited, but the records of oeean liners, and a calculation as to the Oceanic’s receipts on each trip. • It might be suposed that these were simply memoranda to help him to select a boat on which to become a stowaway, with thoughtful reckonings to whether the Oceanic could afford to carry him.’ But other entries were obviously devoid of immediate professional interest. He had recorded the heights of the largest bridges and monuments in the world, the populations of the ehief cities, the religions of India, Biblical coincidences, the number of letters in the Bible, anil the measurements of the world’s giants. Such u man would clearly be an ideal editor for the useful knowledge pages of certain penny; weeklies. ' '

Embarrassing. BY KBBS E. BEXFORD. She was » very little girl, ■ And as I bent and kissed, her, r 1 “There—that is for yourself,'’ 1 'said, "Bat this is for your sister.” Last night I called again, to find Some gay girl friends were there; And laugh and jest went gaily round To banish weary care. The little imp came romping in. And grinniugly .cried she: “I kept my word —Bell got the kiss You left for her with me. “She kissed me—oh, a lot of times! And said: ’When folks can’t see Give ev'rydne to Dick.’ Jiist wait Till you’re alone with me!” I blushed, and Bell was like a rose, The gay girl friends—ah, me! We wished the horrid, liorid things A thousand miles at sea!

Exercise. Thud, clatter, brruinp! The editor looked up from the congenial task of spoiling someone else’s story. “Sometimes,” hi? said, “I feel sorry for spring poets.” He blue-pencilled another half-column into silent nothingness, and paused again to hark to the sounds of strife coming from the next room. “It seems to me,” he said, “that there squeals are in some wise familiar to mine ears.” He telephoned a “stop” message into the fighting editor’s den. and the next moment that heated and dusty functionary appeared leading a battered wreck by the ear. “This is the fourth time he’s been up this week,” said the man of muscle. “Can’t I finish him?” The editor held up a merciful hand. Then in a kind and tender voice he spoke to the poet. “Why have you returned four times?” he asked. “Most of your brethren find one enough.” “My doctor tells me I must get some violent exercise,” the poet said, “and this is the onlv wav I can afford to taka it.”

Dudley, Dubb. Dudley Dubb, a diule. of Dublin, dubbed Dud Dubb, had a budding love for Isabel Dubbell, a bird of Dublin, dubbed Belle Dubbell. He babbled of his bubbling love, but ’ was doubly muddled when the bud debarred the doubling of their lives unless their names were doubled too. At the idea of her and himself as the bud Belle Dubbell-Dubb and the dude Dud Dubbell-Dubb. Dud Dubb doubled up with double - dyed delight. Dominie Dobb. driving doddering Dobbin to Dublin, doubled this doublydubbed dude and bud couple, thus doubling their dove love. There came to this doubly dubbed couple double doublets, Dobley and IBobley, dubbed Dob and Bob DubbellDubb, and Adele and Ardilla, dubbed Dell and Dill Dubbell-Dubb. These adorable double doblets. Dob and Bob and Dell and Dill Dubbell-Dubb. dubbed the dudo Dud Duibbell-Dubb “Daddy,’ the bud Belle Dubbell-Dubb “Mudder.” , ‘‘Oh, the lovey-dovey double doublets, Dob Dubbell-Dubb, Bob DubbellDubb, Dell Dubbell-Dubb and Dill Dubbell-Dubb,” drolly drawled the doting, doubly-dubbed Dubbell-Dubb couple, Dude Daddy Dud- Dubbell Dubb, and Bud Mudder Belle DubbellDubb of Dublin.

The Eccentricity of Genins. A writer in “Good Words” lias some amusing anecdotes about “Eccentricity in Musical Genius.” The writer leads off with some of the oddities of Handel, who, even in the presence of the princesses royal, his pupils, used to give way to violence, and even to oaths, so that the younger ones could always be quieted by the warning, "Hush; Handel is in a passion!” The great musician has been credited with extraordinary conduct at the dinner-table. For example, he would order dinner for “a company” and then sit down to it by himself with the simple travesty of “Lueullus dines iwith Lueullus”—“l am de gombany.” But Beethoven was even more unconventional. Beethoven it was who exclaimed, in protest against the hum

of conversation that had immediately followed his playi»g< "1 play no longer to hogs.” Beethoven used to frequent a certain cellar, in which he would spend the evening sipping wine or l>cer and reading the newspapers: “tthe evening a person took a seat near him whosl* countenance did not please. He looked hard at the stranger and spat on the floor as if he had seen a toad; then glanced at the newspaper, then again at the intruder. and spat again; his hair bristled gradually into more shaggy ferocity, till he closed the alternation of spitting an<! staring by fairly exclaiming. ’What a scoundrelly phiz!’ and rushed out of the room.”

“ Paid for Tilling Dem Things.” Judge Browse tells many good stories of old-time Newfoundland in the “Cornhill.” Several relate to the ignorant opposition of the simple fisher folk to the formation of a railway. He had the ringleader of a riot arrested and imprisoned. The judge proceeds:— I was visiting the city prison, as was my went, and I inquired after his condition. “Judge.” he says, “I am all for the railway now.” “Well.” said I, “Charlie, what lias come over you?” He says, “1 will tell you. Last night there was an English sailor chap, very drunk, put into my cell. When he come to in the mornin’, he says to me, ‘What brings you here, you old bloke?’ I up and tell 'em that I was tighten agen a railway. ’What an old idiot you must be to go agen a railway. Why, it’s the people’s road, and is all for their good.’ Then he up and tell me all about ’em, and now. Judge. I am all for the railwav.” "Well, Charlie,” said I, “did 1 not tell you all this for days and days, sitting on the- hillside and reasoning with you?” “Yes,” he said, and hung his head sheepishly: then with a cunning leer, added: “It is all very well. Judge, but wc knowed you was paid for tellin’ dem things.” This is a joke that will be appreciated by all salaried exponents of law, humane or divine.

The Reeoi’d Breakers. Where are -the conquerors whom-we hailed A decade or a half ago? . - ~ Where the “race novel," by which paled The lustrous filin' of Mrs Stowe? Where is Red I’ottag.’.’’ where “Dodo?” On what shelf lies.“ Crook of-,the Bough?" And where is “Zenda.’' where "Pliroso?” Where are the record breakers now? Those “Heavenly Twins" before whom we quailed Tho bravest, they are killed. I trow. The “Three Men" and the boat they sailed Upon what waters to and fro. Are they adrift? Does any know? Where is "It. Elsmere," with the woe That corrugated oft his brow? Where "Janice" with her curl allow? Where are the record breakers now? And last year's poet, has lie failed To keep "nibre melody than Poe?” And last mouth's satirist who railed. "A Subtler 'Thackeray,” at show - What was his name, that valiant foe Of sham and folly? I avow These great ones crowd each other so! Where tire the record breakers now? Envoi. Ye whose editions grow and grow. May majesty your souls endow! To yonder junk cart humbly go: There are the record breakers now! —“Munsey's.”

The Next Step in Land Reform. Air J. 11. Whitley. M.P., in the “World's Work and Play,” after pointing out the urgent need for land reform, outlines a remedy. He says: “What is wauled is to put Land, the primary element of production, on a Free Trade basis. Abolish its artificial monopoly. Let it come tit Free Trade prices to those who can put it to the highest use. How cun this be done? By taking taxes off production and improvements and placing them on the. unimproved value of the land, whether it is used to its full value or not. This would destroy the withholding power, make owners compete for users, ami reduce rent to its natural economic level. The method might be very simple, but it might be accompanied by automatic legist rii lion of owners." Mr Whitley would make the owner, on registering, put down the value of his land: “If a value were returned too low, t he remedy would not be far to seek; for the register being open, any boiut fide user willing to advance on the declared value could make an offer to the

owner, and if the offer were refused, claim that the valuation should be raised at least to that level.” The writer goes on tdlsuiuinari.se the result of taxes on these lines levied in New South Wales, of Id in £ on capital value. He says it has been quite effective in breaking down the .sepeciilat ive withholding of land, and in promoting the transfer of land to those who iwuld use it best. One result is significant: “In the preceding four years the number of unemployed registered with the Labour Bureau had been 18,(100, 12,145, 13,575. 14,002. In the three years immediately following the figures fell to 6427 . 4167, 3483. . Taking £150,000,000 as the minimum estimate of capital value, the land in the 'United Kingdom would yield £15,625,000 annually.

The Benefit of Deep Breathing. A writer in the “Young Man” on the “Secret of Long Life,” after making several recommendations, says:—There is another valuable habit as a health and longevity practice, to which 1 would like to draw the attention of those of the readers of the “Young Man" who are unacquainted with it—namely, the definite, deliberate and daily practice of deep breathing; nasal breathing, abdominal breathing. This is really a very vitalising exercise. It contributes to a much more complete oxygenation of the blood, and a saturation of the whole system with the lifegiving fluid, than does ordinary breathing. It Ims a potent mental influence as well. As briefly hinted above, the restless life of our time conduces to exciteinent. agitation, irritability and shallow, semi-chest breathing, amt thus to devitalisation. Deep breathing has a remarkably controlling influence on the emotions; it counteracts and controls this, and calms the whole being, so that it has a dual influence on health and life—from the mental as well as the physical side. It is thus also an aid to quiet reflection and meditation. And all the while you are breathing and meditating let the mind be kept in a receptive, responsive attitude, open—so to speak—to Divine impressions, influences, impulses and intuitions, which —mark you—OBEY. But the reader is mentally inquiring .concerning the modus operandi. Here it is: Either lie flat .on your hack and-put your hands behind the head, or stand or sit creel with shoulders well back. Simply slowly inhale through the nostrils until both chest and stomach are fairly fully expanded: then as slowly exhale until both are fully evacuated. Repeat this from six to twelve times, twice daily, or as occasion may require.

A Dear Deer. The Dunedin “Star” tells tho followdin to stalk deer in the Lake llawea disdintb stalk deer in the Lake llawea district:—lt was a damp. niisly, chill morning when one of the four tuekerless sportsmen, roused from his dreams of innocent childhood, raised himself on his elbow, and, without waking his snoring comrades, listened to a rustling, munching sound outside the tent. As he more clearly distinguished the noise made by the animal without from that of the sleepers within, his eyes glistened,

and a smile of joy, almost fierce in its eagerness. o’erspread his comitenance. He slipped out of his coinsack, gripped his trusty rille that had stood'him in good stead on many a perilous day in the wild wastes, of Moa Flat and Catling River, and. peering through the flap of the tent, saw across the stream, in the diiu gny morning mist, a splendid animal, whose branching antlers and glowing eyes, even at that distance, gave promise of a glorious |xize. Coolly, quietly, scientifically he took aim and pulled the trigger—two. in fact, so as to make sure. Up sprang It is partners, loud were their exclamations, hurried was th»* exit of the four, splashing they crossed the stream, eagerly they pounced on the carcas •. Then arose a wild hullabaloo, then shrieked the timid and stood the brave. It was not a fourteenpointer that lay at their feet, but the camp pack horse! The faithful companion of their travels was as dead a? mutton.

Holy Bovines. All the fakirs of India are not human beings, writes Broughton Brandeubury in the “Metropolitan Magazine.” Holy Cows and sacred monkeys have a tine share in the game, and in some instances show a rare cunning in taking advantage of the pepole’s beliefs in their attributes. At Haje Ka, on the Indus, there is a notably wily old sacred beast, whose long years of receiving worship, petting, and pampering have developed some strange characteristics. This animal will leave the shore several times a day in the heated season, and, wading far into the stream, stand there and bawd until some one of the villagers conies and laves her with water, the coolness caused by the evaporation seeming to gratify her greatly. She is extravagantly fond of choice plantains, and will go into the bazaar and take only the very best. A friend of the family was cloae by a shopkeeper’s stand one day, when a sacred bull wandered up and began to feed from the provisions displayed, with entire assurance of being within hiS rights. The shopkeeper reproached him gently, saying: “Forget not that I am a,poor inan, brother. Sees! thou not those sweet delicacies before the place of the rich man across the way?” The bull munched on. ’’Full well I know thou arc a holy man, and I. give thee all thou takest, feeling my reward in Heaven already bestowed; but, brother, I am a poor man, and this morning I gave a rupee to thy very holy brother of Ratonga (a stiff armed fakir of the region), and thou should’st come in another moon.” A great hole was growing in the pile on the stand. The shopkeeper picked up a bamboo stick, and blew his breath in (he end of it, then again addressed the anim-al: “Into this stick 1 have breathed a prayer that thou remember how poor a man 1 am, O my brother, and I now present my humble petition.” Wherewith he whacked tho bull sharply over the nose, and the astounded animal galloped. bellowing through the bazaar.