The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXI, Issue II, 11 July 1903, Page 144

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

GOOD MEDICINE. Doctor: “Did those red pills I left for little Willie seem to do him any good?” Mrs B.: “Yes, indeed, doctor. He’s been a-sittin’ up in bed all day a-playin’ marbles with them.” HARD TO PULL. “You don’t seem to be smoking that *igar 1 gave you,” said Stingy. “No,” said Goodart, struggling with the cheap jawbreaker, “it’s—er—a little too much for me.” “Too dark to suit you?” “Perhaps that’s it. At any rate, I can't even make it light at one end.” WHAT HE WANTED. Clarence, aged five, bad been severely chastised by his parents for - disobedience, and the next day, without saying a word to anyone, he called at the office of the family legal adviser, who happened to be a particular friend of the little fellow’s. “Well, Clarence,” said the man of the law, after shaking hands, “what can I do for you?” Please, Mr Brown.” replied Clarence gravely, “I want to get a divorce from our family.”

PERHAPS! Friend of the Family (after hearing of the engagement): “So you're losing another daughter, Mr Weloff?” Mr Weloff: "Well, I’m not sure. I don’t know how it will turn out; but it rather strikes me, from what I hear about the young man, that I’m taking on another son.” USED TO IT. Correspondent: “You saw what the papers said about you this morning, I presume?” Returned Millionaire: “No; I don’t know what they said about me, but you may say for me. sir, that there wasn’t a word of truth in it.” THE REASON. “Nelly. I want an explanation from you. I saw you kiss young Johnson this evening.” "Well, papa, he kissed me first.”

REMINDERS. Sympathetic Sister: “Cheer up, Arthur. Ma'bel has treated you badly in jilting you, but you will soon forget her!” Arthur (moodily): “Not for a long time, sis, I fear. The lovely jewellery I gave her was purchased on the easy payment system.” UNEXPECTED REPLY. The Boss: “Isn’t it about time you thought about a new overcoat, William? You seem to have had that one for years and years?” Williams (sadly reminiscent): “Yes, sir—l recollect I bought it on the occasion of my last rise of salf y, sir.” SELF-DISTRUST. “What you lack,” said the person who reads your character, “is self-confidence.” “I can’t help it ” said the young man. “You see I was for a number of years employed i" the work of preparing weather predictions.”

JUST ABOUT TRUE. Willie had swallowed a penny, and his mother was in a state of much alarm. ■•Helen,” she called to her sister in the next room, “send for a doctor, Willie has swallowed a penny.” The terrified boy looked up imploringly. “No, mamma.” he interposed; “send for the minister.” “The minister!” exclaimed the mother. “Yes, because papa says our minister can get money out of anybody.” THE REASON. Mrs Quizzington: Oh, tell me, Mr Trotterinski, what occasion in life induced yon to give your mind to exploration and travel? The Great Traveller (with emotion): I marry a peautiful voman —she leave me and my home! Mrs Quizzington: How sad! I suppose you could find no peace in your deserted homestead? The Great Traveller: On the contraire. It vos ven I hear von day dat she vas coming back dat I became a famous traveller!

O TEMPORA! Wife (drearily): Ah me! The days of chivalry are past. Husband: What’s the matter now? Wife: Sir Walter Raleigh laid his cloak on the ground for Queen Elizabeth to walk over, but you get mad simply because poor dear mother sat on your hat. HUMAN" NATURE. ‘‘Your brother doesn’t seem to be is much interested in your progress as he used to be.” “No; and I can’t understand it. lie used to congratulate me every time I get an increase in salary.” “Ah! I see it. Your last increase must have made your salary bigger' than his.” A DELICATE HINT. “Percy, if a man were to sit on your hat what would you say?” “I should call him a confounded silly ass!” “Then, don’t sit on it any longer, there’e a dear.”

UNFORGIVABLE. Customer: Why doesn’t that spinster. Miss Brown, deal at your shop any more ? Grocer: One of my clerks insulted her. Customer: How? Grocer: She overheard him telling someone that she was our oldest customer. THE REASON WHY. He: “Oh! pray, Miss Dalrymple, don’t call me Mr Brookes.” She: “Oh! but our acquaintance has been so brief. Why shouldn’t I call you Mr Brookes?” sweetly. He: “Oh! only because my name’s Brown!” PERHAPS! Dingle: “A girl who can sing just as soon as she gets up in the morning must have a sweet disposition.” Toots: “Not necessarily. She may have a grudge against somebody in the neighbourhood.”

SUPERFLUOUS VIEWS. He: “My views of bringing up a family ” She: “Never mind your views; I'll bring up the family—you go and bring up the coal.” LIKE THE LAWS OF THE MEDES AND PERSIANS. "Didn’t you ever attempt to lay down the lew in your own house?” “(. ertainly,” answered Mr Meekton, “and with marked success. I gave instructions to the family and to the servants that Henrietta was to have her own way in every particular, and Henrietta sees to it that my instructions are implicitly carried out.” ACCORDING TO BAEDECKER. First 'tourist: Can you tell me where we are? Second Tourist: At the thirty-sixth-page of the guide book, sir! THE REASON WHY. Jaggles: “Do you know why this is such a hard world?” Waggles: “Because all the soft places are occupied.” CRUEL. He: “Your cheek, darling, is as smoothas —as smooth as ” She: “As the top of your head.” NEATLY TURNED. An Episcopal c ergynian was being shaved by a barber who was addicted to occasional sprees. The razor manipulator cut the parson’s face quite considerably. “You see, Jackson, that comes from taking too much drink, ’ said the man of God. “Yes, sah,” replied Jackson; “it makes de skin very tendah, sah. It do for a fack.” POOR CHARLES. Molly: “You say you- shook all over when you proposed to her?” Cholly: “Yes, I dd.” “And how about the girl?” “Oh, she only shook her head.” A GOOD IDEA. Mrs Y.: “I wish I could think of something to keep my husband at home at night.” Mrs C.: “Get him a motor car.” Mrs Y.: “That would take him out more than ever.” Mrs C.: “Oh, no, it wouldn’t. Mv husband got one the day before yesterday, and the doctor says he won’t be out fo»- a month.” NO INQUEST. Dangle: “Our servant lighted the fire with paraffin the other morning.” Potts: “Did you discharge her?” Dangle: “We haven’t found her yet.” SMART! Salesman: “The fact is, that since the date of your last letter of inquiry these pillows have advanced in price.” Customer: “Thais’ funny. How can they be down pillows if they have gone up i ' LOVE’S YOUNG DREAM. Mr Saphead (during the honeymoon): “When did my little duckie darling first discover that she loved me?” Bride (sweetly) : “When I found myself getting mad every time anyone called you a fool.” UP-TO-DATE. House-hunter: “Seems to me this house isnt very well built. The flooi shakes when we walk.” Agent: “Um — ves. that’s the new kind of spring floor for dancing, you know.” House-hunter: “And those stairs creak terribly.” Agent: “Y-e-s; we furnish this new patent burglar-alarm staircase without extra charge.” ALL RIGHT! Wife (time, midnight): “Hark! Husband, wake up! I hear the rustling of silk and the clank of chains.” Husband: “You do? Horrors! Then the reports are true. I was told this house was haunted.” Wife (much relieved): “Oh, is that all? I was afraid Fido had broken loose and was tearing my new ball dress.”