THE GRAPHIC'S FUNNY LEAF

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXIX, Issue XXII, 29 November 1902, Page 1408

THE GRAPHIC'S FUNNY LEAF

HIS COMPLEMENT. ’Ordinarily,” he remarked, “people should never speak of any subject with which they are not reasonably conversant. But. of course.” he hastened to add. ’’the rule does not ap-U ply to you. I would not think of so limiting your conversation." And he wondered why she did not seem to be pleased. THAT CAPTURED HER. Kitty: Have you heard the news? Pertha is going to marrv Ned Beilers. Edith: You don't mean it! Why. there isn't a bigger fool in town, and he never was able to support hims, If. Kitty: Yes. I know; he isn't much of a catch, but yon should see Bertha's engagement ring. It's a beautv . < OULDN'T TELL IN ADVANCE. Aunt Hannah: I saw that young man kiss you. Jane: how did it come about? Jane: In the most natural way in :ne world, auntie. He asked me if 1 would be offended if he kissed me and 1 told him it was impossible for me to say until I knew what it was like.

PRETTY OBVIOUS. Neddv Nohs: Wort, been fighting. Rill? Blimy Bill: Yaas. didjer think 1 was a walkin' hadvertisement for some bloomin’ stickin’-plaster? A SURE THING. "Why did you insist on getting me an upper berth in the sleeping car?” asked the habitually austere lady. ■Well.” answered her irrepressible niece, "you have been expecting for so many years to find somebody under your bed that I thought it might relieve your mind to have all doubts on the subject removed for once.” THE WOMAN’S FAULT. Askington: Look here. Ryefuddle! What would you do if you were to meet your wife in this condition? Ryefuddle (stiffening up): Get—a —hie! —divorsh f'nn her. by—hie! — thunner!

PAYING THE PIPER. “I am sorry, George, you don't admire my new drees.” said a young wife. “Everybody says it is charming.” “Your friends, roy dear, pay you compliments. I pay your bills." replied her husband. THE STARS ALONE CAN TELL. The Other Man: Hello, Arkey! Building another skyscraper. as usual? The Busy Contractor: No; it's a skypiercer this time. I’m building a cathedral.

ROOM FOR DOUBT. Wife (severely): What is the meaning of that powder on your sleeve. Adolphus? Adolphus (benignly): Oh, that's all right, dear. I sat next to a miller in the train coming home. FROCKS AND FRILLS. Towne: Clothing is so cheap now that any man can dress like a gentleman. Browne: Yes. and so can some women. FAMILY RESEMBLANCE. "Don't thev have funnv talk in golf?” “A es. just like papa shaving in a hurry.” WOULD CURE HIM. Mr. Gumpps: That boy will never be good for anything until he marries. Mrs. Gumpps: I suppose not. Mr. Gumpps: No. He’s got to get over the habit cf hanging around the house. LOSING THE MATCH. Captain Golding: Play cricket? Why. I haven’t, touched a bat or ball since I was at school. Harold: But this morning mamma was telling papa what a good catch you were. TR A NSPOSITION. “Is he proud of his position?” “Oh, no: he thinks his position should be proud of him.” CAUSE OF THE TROUBLE. Caesar, against the command of the Senate, crossed the Rubicon and entered Rome, a Gallic captive at bis heels. “It was a nervy thing in you to do this. Jnle.” murmured Brutus. “Oh, yes." retorted Caesar, with an airy wave of the hand toward his prisoner. “You see I have my Gaul with me, every time.” And from that moment Brutus never ceased to meditate on the Ides of March,

THE ONLY WAY. Tom: Whv are yon so mean to Dick? Mary: I want to keep him in love with me. MEETING THE DEMAND. “How's this?” asked the customer in the book store. “Last week the prices on bacon and lamb were only Idol 25 cents, and now you have marked them up to 3d015.?” “Well, you see,” explained the bookseller, “since the meat trust began cornering supplies—” But the customer hurried away to secure matinee seats for “A Texas Steer” before the price went up at the theatre also. UNTRUTHFUL. He: The cook has written me a letter asking for more wages. She: Well, isn’t that all right? He: No, I don’t like the letter because she is untruthful in it. She: How so? He: Why. she signs it “Your obedient servant.” PADEREWSKI'S ONE JOKE. As might be expected of a highlv refined musical nature, Paderewski is not famed as a raconteur. But -cor indeed is the man who has not :*t least one pet story on tap. and here is the one of the famous pianist : A young contralto at a Handel c ncert which Sir Joseph Barnaby was conducting put in a high note instead of the less effective note usually sung at the end of her solo. The innovation shocked the conductor. and he asked immediately what the voting artist meant by trying to improve on Handel. “AVell. Sir Joseph.” was the answer, “I've got an E and I don't see why I shouldn't show it off.” “Young lady.” returned Sir Joseph. “I believe you have two knees, but 1 hope you won’t show them off here.” IMITATING MAN. First Bee: Yes. some one poked a stick in our hive and broke fifteen cells of honey-filled comb. Second Bee: What are you going to do about it? First Bee: Oh. well advertise a "great reduction on account of the rebuilding” sale, the Queen says. THE BOORISH BACHELOR. "Woman’s crowning glory is her hair.” quoted the Boorish Bachelor: “but that doesn’t prevent the millinery stores that sell expensive hats from doing a rushing business.” A GOOD PLAN. “So Jack deliberately kissed you last night!” commented Miss Antique severely; “welL I’d just like to see any man try to kiss me!” “Why not select a near-sighted man and wear a veil.” naively suggested the sweet young thing. LEGITIMATE. She: So you lost all your money in speculation? The Urgent Case: Yes’m. “But, beside that, didn't you have any legitimate business?” “Oh. yes. I w’as a dealer in straight tips.” DANGEROUS. Tourist: Why. you scoundrel, I hired you to protect me from highwaymen, and now the first chance you get you rob me yourself. Guide: But, partner, I warned you what a dangerous neighbourhood thia la.

A HORSE ON MAHOMET. Mahomet bad just sprung his litt e aphorism. "Knowledge is power.” "Very good.” exclaimed the gran 1 vizier with a green look. "Then, c ■ we understand that horse sense . h orse pow er ?” This being too much for the gre • prophet, he went forth and re-* forced himself with a pony. LIKE A KING. Porus, the Indian prince, had ju been taken prisoner when Alexand - asked him bow he expected to treated. “Like a king!" replied the Easte warrior. Pleased by the manliness of tl answer. Alexander immediately ma him janitor of the Flatiron' apar tnent-house and the tw,i potentat stuck so closely to business as to dubbed porous plasters. HER FIRST PICTURE. Mr Wayback: Great Scott! Wh you got the hired man ploughin’ u? the front yard for? Mrs Wayback: Our darter savs th first pictur’ she takes with her ne camera will be the house, and he book of instructions says she mus break up the foreground, but. c course, she can’t do that herself. BUT HE COULD IMAGINE. She was one of those bright littl. girls who love to entertain their big sisters' beaux. "Sister's going to give me sixpence." she said. "Is that so?'* ventured the young man. “Sister's real good to yon. isn't she?" "Oh. but it's to pay me. She said if I wouldn't tell you what a bad word she said when she saw you coming she'd give me it. So I ain’t a-going to.”

DON’T LIKE TO CONFESS IT. Cropper: I see by the posters that young Stager, the comedian, travels under his wife's management. Darcy: So do most men. but they don't advertise. HOW TO PROLONG LIFE. The following rules for warding off death have been compiled with great care for the Modern Miller by experts, and meet with the indorsement of the most competent medical authorities in the world: Never step into an elevator hatchway when the car is not there. Do not permit yourself to be run over by a street car or railroad train. Under no circumstances allow a brick to drop from the top of a building on to your head. Be careful not to be in a place when a bolt of lightning strikes it. Never fall from the top of a high building. Do not take hold of a live electric wire. Both you and the wire cannot remain alive. HIS PURSUIT. “What was your former occupation?” asked the woman in the wayside cottage. “I worked in an orchard,” mum.” replied Drowsy Dick. “In what capacity?” “The time m now—grafter,"