The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXIX, Issue VIII, 23 August 1902, Page 512

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

THE POORLY-PAID CLERK. “You’d make a pretty good clerk,” said the employer, sarcastically, “if you only had a little more common sense.” “Indeed!” replied the clerk. “But did it ever occur to you that if I had a little more common sense I wouldn’t be a clerk at all?” A DELICATE PROBLEM. “Do you think Cholly’s manner is natural or affected?” “Well, I try to think the best of everybody—so I don’t know which to think.” HER DEAR FRIEND. “They asked me to their reception,” said the girl with the two-story pompadour. “but it wasn’t because they like me. It was because I can sing.” “Oh, I’m sure you’re mistaken,” said the other girl, impulsively. THE HUGLIEST CHAP IN ENGLAND. The parson-father of a certain Bishop was, like several other members of the same family, quite prodigiously ugly. One day, as he sat in an omnibus, he was annoyed by the persistent staring of a man, who presently unburdened himself as follows: “You’re a parson, ain’t you?” “Well, yes; that is so.” “Look ’ere, parson; would you mind cornin’ ’ome with me to see my wife?” Imagining the wife was sick and needing assistance, the clergyman, at great inconvenience to himself, went with the man. On arriving at the house the man shouted to his wife to come downstairs, and. pointing to the astonished parson, said, with a grin of delight: “Look ’e ’ere, Sairry. Yer said this mornin’ as I wur the hugliest chap in England. Now, just yer look at this bloke!”

WHY SHOULD HE CARE? She; I’m afraid, Harry, you only want to marry me because uncle has left me a lot of money. He (earnestly): Why, Rosie, how can you think that of me? Your uncle is nothing to me. I would marry you no matter who had left you the money!

OCCASIONALLY. “Yes. they are married at last. It was a long time before she accepted him.” “Well, perseverance overcomes obstacles.” “Yes, and sometimes it wishes it hadn’t.” STINGY THINGS. Waiter: Very sorry, ma’am, but we can’t allow that dog at the breakfast table! Lady: What an idea! Why, he eats scarcely anything! A GOOD DOG. As Spintext one day, in a mansion of prayer, Was declaiming a sermon he’d stolen from Blair, A large mastiff dog began barking aloud. “Turn him out,” cried the preacher, enraged, to the crowd. “And why?” answered one; “in my humble belief, He’s an excellent dog, for he barks at a thief.” ANYTHING BUT THAT. Mother —Now, Clarence, don’t make a noise. I’m going to sing. Clarence —Oh, mother, don’t! I’ll be quiet.

DEEP RESPECT. “You must have the greatest respect for your parents,” said the benevolent stranger. “I have,” answered the boy. “Why, either one of them can whip me with one hand.” UNLUCKY. First Roundsman —Casey, thot new polaceman is alwus erround whin thare is any trouble. Second Roundsman—Faith, he’s onlucky I NO TRUST. Little Girl —Mother says, sir, will you trust her with some groceries till Saturday night? Grocer—Tell your mother I don’t even trust my own feelings. DISSUADED. “And the colonel did not horsewhip you, after all?” “The colonel,” replied the editor, “came back to lick, and remained to liquor.” GETTING THINGS STRAIGHT. He had proposed. “Before giving you my reply,” she said, “let us have a distinct understanding. If I am to consider this seriously I will have to say ‘No.’ but if it is only a summer resort engagement I shall be pleased to accept you for the time being.”

He: If I should—er—ask you to marry me She: You’d make the thirteenth.

STILL HOLDS TRUE. “She is one of the flowers that are born to blush unseen.” “Wh-at! She is the boldest, most pushing, self-assertive, immodest—” “But did anybody ever see her blush?”

Gentleman (indignantly) —When I bought- this dog you said he was splendid for rats. Why, he won’t touch them. Dog Dealer—Well, ain’t that splendid for rats? ALMOST AUTOMATIC. He—Blinks has a perfect mania for condensing everything. Did you hear how he proposed? She—No. He—He held up an engagement ring and said “Eh?” and she just nodded. THE WRONG MEDIUM. Milly—Oh, dear, I shall never be an artist. I draw fairly well, but I can’t paint a little bit. Billy—Better become an actress. It’s the other way about with many of them. CAUGHT HIM OUT. “Is old Swills, the politician, as suecesstul as ever?” “Guess not. He is out of a job.” “How did that happen?” “They caught him in one.” BETTER CONSULT AN AURIST. She—Tell your mother I’m so sorry I haven’t been to see her lately, but the distance is so great and the weather has been so bad I haven’t dared venture. He: That’s all right. Don’t mention it. She’d be very sorry if you had. ANIMAL FOOD. “Well. John,” replied the doctor, “there is nothing radically wrong with you; you are simply run down. Go into the country, take early morning walks, and eat plenty of anima! food. Come and see me again in a week’s time. John turned up again at the end of the week—worse instead of better. “Did you get plenty of walking?” asked the doctor. “Yes. sir.” “And plenty of animal food?” “Well, sir.” replied John gloomily, “I managed pretty well with the oats, and did a bit in the way of split beans, but the chopped hay! No, sir, no more animal food for me. It’s off. dead off!” THEY WERE. Muggins: See how attentive he is to her. I don’t believe they are husband and wife. Buggins: Oh, yes. they are. She has a husband, and he has a wife.

TOO GREEN FOR THAT. She: Do you think she’s a grass widow? He: She seems pretty green. DIDN’T WANT TO DIE THAT WAY. “Before we were married he wanted to die for me. Now he won’t even eat my cooking.” REASSURING. Prospective Tenant (who has been shown over empty cottage by the caretaker): Yes, it’s a nice little place, but—h’m —there’s rather a bad smell about it. Do you think the drains are all right? Guileless Caretaker: Can’t be the drain, sir. There ain’t none! BROKE, BROKER, BROKEN. “My father is a broker.” said one little girl. “What’s yours?” “He’s one of the people who get broke,” answered the other. NO CAUSE FOR JOY. “Poor man!” said the inquisitive old lady. “I expect you’ll be glad when your time is up, won’t you?” “No, ma’am, -not partikerly.” replied the prisoner. “I’m in fur life ” AT THE PLAY. “Were there any pretty dresses in the play ?” “Oh, yes! The poor deserted wife, who had to take in sewing for a living. suffered agonies in a lovely white silk gown, with chiffon ruffles, and a dream of a pearl-coloured plush opera cloak lined with white fur.” THE POINT. Penelope: Mercy! Why did Mabe] ever marry that young Slimkins? He’s such a poor excuse of a man! Ann: Well, a poor excuse is better than none. DEBATES. “Do you ever have any quarrels in your woman’s club?” “Oh, no; we call them ‘debates.’ ” A PROOF. Clara: It’s a thrilling story, isn’t it? Maud: One of the most thrilling I ever read. I couldn’t skip more than half of it. EXPENSIVE. • Wife: I’ve done nothing but practise economy ever since we were married. Husband: And I’ve had to pay for it. MISSED THE FUN. “And do they never quarrel?” asked the girl in white. “Never,” replied the gin 'n blue. “Then, what’s the use of being engaged?”

WHERE ELSE? Teacher: Now, Francis Hall, can you tell me where the treaty of peace was signed? Francis: Please, ma’am, at the bottom.