The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXVIII, Issue XXI, 24 May 1902, Page 1066

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

THE INAPPROPRIATE. Excited Author: I declare, I never saw such wretchedly bad taste —such a scandalous violation of the dramatic unities—such an outrage on all sense of propriety! Friend: What’s -the matter, old man? Some of ’em been gagging again? Excited Author: Gagging isn’t a circumstance to it. The opera was “William Tell”—a grand thing, you know—and just as the curtain rose on the scene displaying the hat of the tyrant Gesler on a pole, to whieh the hero refuses to bow, what does the wretched orchestra do but strike up, “Where did you get that hat?” Destroyed all the romantic illusion of the piece. Soulness brutes!

IIKAI) LIKE A PIN. “ A prudent man,” says a witty Erenehman, “is like a pin- His head prevents him from going too tar.” THE RACE FOR MONEY. Husband: The doctor says if I keep up this race for money' I’ll break down when I am forty. Wife: Never mind, dear. By that time we shall be able to afford it. WHICH END. A young couple had been married by a Quaker, and after the ceremony he remarked to th? husband: “ Friend, thou art at the end of thy trouble.” A few weeks after the man came Io the good minister boiling over with rage, having! found his wife to be a regular vixen, and said: “ I thought you told me I was at the end of my troubles? ” “So I did, friend, but I did not say which end,” replied the QuakerFILTHY LUCRE. Henry: If I were rich, darling, would you love me more than you do? Clara: I might not love you any more, Henry, but I know I would look forward to our wedding day with a degree of impatience that never seems to possess me at present. FAMILY AFFECTION. “Beauty is but skin-deep,” said the tart old maid, sniffing scornfully. “Yes, my dear,” replied her younger sister, “so it is, in a general way: but 1 am afraid we should need a pickaxe and shovel if we wanted to dig down to yours.” Fortunately the police interfered before any serious harm had been done. THE AIR THAT REACHED HER HEART. Susie (at her music lesson): I’d like to catch an old air 1 heard in the music room last night. Professor: What air was that? Susie (demurely): Oh, it was a millionaire.

THE TERRIBLE CHILD AGAIN. Precocious Lucy: “Oh, Mr Smith, do let me see you drink!” Mr Smith: “Certainly, but why?” Precocious Lucy: “Because mamma says you drink like a fish.” REALISED. Lawyer: When I was a boy my highest ambition was to be a pirate. Client: You’re in luck. It isn’t every man who can realise the dreams of his youth. ALL CHARGED ALIKE. Grocer: You had better cover up that sugar, John, to keep the flies off. Shopman: Shall I cover up the currants, too. Grocer: Oh. no, you needn’t bother about that. Flies and currants are so much alike that the difference is never discovered until it is too late; and they help the weight. “ DON’T I? ” It Was his first day at the new school, and he was standing the fire of the usual questions asked on so auspicious an occasion. “ Who’s your family doctor? ” asked a big boy. “ Haven’t got any,” said the new boy. “ How jolly! ” responded the questioner. “Why, you don’t have no medicine to take? ” “ Don’t I? ” was the sarcastic reply. “ That’s all you know. Why, my father’s a dentist, mother’s a homoeopath, my sister Maggie’s joined the ambulance,' grandfather believes in resuscitation from drowning, grandmother goes in for every quack medicine that’s advertised, my uncle Sandy’s a horse doctor, and ”•—with a pathetic tone—“ they all of them experiment on me! ” The Actor: Do you really think that picture looks like me? The Soubrette: Yes; but I have no other fault to find with it.

EXPANSION-POLICY. Not quite round yet, but that may come.

A MONSTROSITY. Papa (soberly) “ That was quite a monstrosity you had in the parlour last evening.” Grace (nettled): “Indeed! That must depend upon one’s understanding of the term * monstrosity.’ ” Papa (thoughtfully) :“Well, two heads upon one pair of shoulders, for example.” A HOPELESS CASE. Bobby: “ Pa, what do they call a man who has two wives? ” Pa: “ A bigamist, Bobby.” Bobby: “ Pa, suppose he has more than two wives; what is he then?” Pa: “ A hopeless idiot! Now, don’t bother me with any more questions!” NOT BARGAINED FOR. “ Ma wants two pounds of butter exactly like what you sent us last. If it ain’t exactly like that she won’t take it,” said the small boy. The groeer turned to his numerous customers and remarked, blandly: “ Some people in my business don’t like particular customers, but I do. It’s my delight to serve them, and get. them what they want. I will attend to you in a moment, little boy.” “Be sure to get the same kind. A lot of pa’s relations is visiting at our Louse, and ma doesn’t want ’em to come again,” the small boy explained. A WARNING. His school teacher asked the class the other day, “ What Is chalk? ” In spite of the deep silence that ensued, not a pin was heard to drop- Finally a small hand eagerly shot up. “ I know, sir,” “ Well, Jenkins, and what is chalk? ” “ Please, sir, that stuff my muvver puts on her face.” ONE FOR HER. “No man ever obtained anything worth having without working hard for it,” said Mrs Bickers to her husband, who was not in a pleasant humour. “That’s so,” replied Mr Bickers, reflectively. “I remember that I obtained you without the slightest difficulty.”

ON DUTY. Cholly: Ah—er —are you keeping me company till your sister comes back home ? Willie: Naw; I’m waitin’ so’s to tell her when you’ve gone. DEGREES OF HAPPINESS. “Algy, dear,” she murmured, “1 should be happy if 1 could walk through life hand in hand with you. but—” “But what, dearest?” he anxiously asked. “But I should be happier if I could ride.” QUICK ACTION. Clerk: Well, if you insist on my coming earlier I s’pose I might as well be resigned. Employer: Thank you, sir. I was just hoping you would resign, but hated to fire you. BRIGHT ENOUGH. Thrusty: Say, that boy of yours ain’t any too bright, eh, Crusty? Crusty: Bright! Why, that boy has been living on me for the last twenty-four years an’ never done a lick of work. I think he’s a marvel! A BAD CASE. Dentist: Will you have it taken out with gas? Patient: Well, you know your business best, young man, but I should say it ain’t strong enough. 1 think you will ha've to use gunpowder or dynamite. DRAWBACKS, INDEED. “What are the drawbacks of winter?” asked the visiting trustee in the village school. And every pupil responded: “Mustard plasters, sir.” NOT QUITE. The Amateur (enthusiastically): I suppose art fills your whole ambition? 'Hie Professional (with a sigh): Yes; but otherwise it’s not always so filling. VERY LIKELY. May: Yes; she has played golf just once, and now she talks it all the time. Mabyn: Did she play it well? May: She played it a great deal better than she talks it. A WARNING. “ I used to sell papers, my son, and look what I am now.” “ Gee! Den I’m goin’ ter quit sellii:’ papers.”

Mrs. 11.: “Mrs. Catterson dresses extremely well, doesn’t she?” Mr. II.: “Yes, but her dressmaker’s bills have nearly worried her husband to death.” Mrs. H.: (admiringly): “Well, it’s worth it.”