The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXVIII, Issue I, 4 January 1902, Page 48

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

HIS OWN LAW. A stipendiary magistrate in Christchurch, who was not given to err on the side of 1 eniency, once had before him a cab driver who was charged with furious driving. After some severe comments on the man’s conduct a heavy fine was imposed. A -fewf days after the trial the magistrate, who had been detained longer than usual in the court, was hurrying- to catch his train, when, seeing an empty cab handy, he hailed the driver and directed him to proceed to the station, telling him he was pressed for time. The driver, however, heedless of the hint, kept to a very gentle trot. “I say, I say, my man,” exclaimed the fare, with his head out of the window, “drive faster than this.” “It can't be done, sir,” replied the driver. “Ye see, if we drives faster we’re had afore the beak and we gets fined, so we has to be careful.” He did not alter his pace, and neither did the “beak” catch the train. GOOD GROUND FOR UNBELIEF. Father—Come. .Johnny, take off your coat this instant. •Johnny You ain't goin' to lick me, are you? Father- Certainly 1 am. Didn't 1 tell you this morning I would pay you off for your- behaviour? Johnny—Yes; but I didn’t think you would. You told the grocer and the butcher you’d pay ’em off last week, and you ain’t done it yet!

MERELY AS A RELISH. Mr. Bareboard —I tell ye a man can jest liv’ on this mountain air! Mr Hollereids —Yes. as I have found out; but I think a little food now and then would aid digestion wonderfully. • THE WRONG DOOR. Girl (jokingly)—l’d like a place where I'll have everything I want, nothing to do. and no one to boss me. Clerk—This, miss, is an employment office, not a matrimonial agency. A LOVELY PEW. “I think the De Peysters have such a lovely pew.” “Why?” “It commands a view of the whole congregation.” SHOCKED. Church: Did you ever ride in one of those electric cabs? Gotham: Once. “flow'd you like it?” “Got a terrible shock when I got out.” “Heavily charged, was it?” “Yes; I was.” NOT BY BREAD ALONE. Colonel Kekewich, during the siege of Kimberley, was approached by a private who asked; “Colonel, when do you expect we are going to get something to eat?' “Eat!” exclaimed the colonel, “din you join the army merely to get something to eat?” “Well, that’s about the size of it. "And he called you a prevaricator. did he?” asked the lawyer of the defendant. “He did, sir.” “And you struck him because he called you a liar?” “No. sir. I struck him because I didn't know what he was trying t® call me!”

ANY SORT. She: I see there’s a woman in Wellington who is offering £2OO to find an honest man. He: She’s different from a good many women that I know. They’d be willing to give all they have to find any old kind of a man. A BORN HOUSEWIFE. She was a girl of wisdom. He said to her: “Do you love to wander in tne moonlight?” “Yes,” she answerd. “Why?” “Because it saves the gas.” Then he did some mental arithmetic, thought it over and said: “Will you be mine?”

FALSE PRETENCES. “Murdstone, lend me £3O will you?” “What for. old fellow?” “I want to pay my wife’s funeral expenses.” “Certainly.” (Writes cheque for the amount and hands it over.) “Sorry to hear of your wife’s death. Gagson. When did she die?” “About a year and a half ago. The young woman I’m going to marry to-morrow says that bill has got to be paid first. Ever so much obliged to you, Murdstone.”

APROPOS. The following toast was proposed at a firemen’s dinner, and was received with loud applause: The ladies — their eyes kindle the only flame against which there is no insurance.”

THE GENTLE ’INT. The sexton of a certain country church usually makes the most of an opportunity, and is not above giving what he describes as “a gentle ’int” to the sightseer. The other afternoon he had conducted a party round the church, and despite the casual dropping of more than one “gentle ’int” it appeared as if the sexton was to go unrewarded. On the porch the leader of the party paused a moment, thanked the old sexton profusely, and wished him “good afternoon.” “I suppose,” he added, “you’ve been here many years?” “Forty,” replied the old man, “an* it’s a werry strange thing, as whenever I’m a-showing a party out o’ the church they alius asks me that question, or” (with emphasis) “the other ’n.” “Indeed,” replied the visitor; “and what may the other question be?” “What I calls question No. 2,” replied the sexton, calmly, “is just this: ‘Samiwell, is tips allowed?’ And Samiwell alius answers, ‘Tips is allowed.’ ” “Samiwell” watched the party leave with a lighter heart and a heavier pocket.

SHE FOLLOWED THE DIRECTIONS. A magazine writer recently told the following story: “I was tuk that bad last night,” said an old Irishwoman to the Lady Bountiful of her parish, “that I thought the life ’ud lave me.” After due inquiry into her symptoms she was given a packet of arrowroot with minute directions how to prepare it. As she scarcely seemed to take them in a happy thought struck the lady. “You know how to make starch, don’t you?” she asked. “Yes,” Biddy said, she did. “Then make it just like that,” said the friend, “and add a little sugar.” Biddy departed, to return next day with the information that “she was like to die afther atin’ what Miss Norah gave her, and with all due respect to her. she couldn’t get it all down, if wint so aginst her.” She was requested to bring what remained for inspection, which revealed that the directions as to starch had been literally carried out. She had put blue in it.

The Editor (writing)—William Jenkins left in our office a handsome bull-dog. Call again. Bill. (This issue is late in going to press, but we crave our readers’ indulgence, etc.).

Jimmy—Teacher says that chaps what knows predict that in two million years this world will be nothiin’ but a ball of ice! Johnnie—Your notice them fellers never predict nothin’ on a dogfight or a prize-fight; it’s alius suthin’ yer can’t nail ’em with a bet on!