The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXVII, Issue IX, 31 August 1901, Page 432

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

A GOOD SIGN. He: “Do you think your father will give his consent if I ask him for youhand ?" She: “I am pretty sure he will. He seems to take great interest in you.” He: "Is that so?” She: ‘‘Yes. he has taken steps to find out the amount of your debts." .MOVING IN EXTREMIS. Friend: "How is your wife. old chap?" Mr Henpeck: “Last week she was dangerously ill. and just now she is dangerously healthy." WILLING TO SUFFER. Girl: "Are you a lover of music, professor?" Professor: "Yes. 1 am: but it does not make any difference. .lust go on and play away.”' A COMING INSULT. Judge: "So you confess that you struck Karlson? But why did you do Prisoner: "Well, your honor, he insulted me. He says, says he —and there were others who heard him—says he. ’Anderson is a .' but he didn’t get any further, your honor, for 1 smashed him before he had time to say ’thief.’ " UNABASHED. Guest: "See here, landlord. I just found this half-burned cigar in my soup." Landlord: "Bring this gentleman a match. Johann." AN UP-TO-DATE PROPOSAL. Tom: "Do you believe in palmisMay: "Yes.” Tom: "Give me your hand, and I will tell you who your husband will Mat: "With all mv heart."

A FRIEND INDEED. Foster: There is nothing better than to have a friend vou can trust, eh ? Porter : No: unless it is to have one who will trits’ you.

NOT WHAT HE WANTED. Tramp: “Ma’am, may I trouble you for suthing to eat?” Lady of the House: “I'll call the dog if ” , Tramp: “Thank ye. but I don't eat dog." MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE. Elsa: "If my husband should not treat me right I would tell him that I would go back to mother!” Josephine: "You had better threaten him with sending for your mother: that would be more effective!” KNEW OF IT. Dr. A.: “I performed an operation on Bornson yesterday.” Dr. B.: “Yes. I know; saw it in the papers.” A. "In the papers?" B. “Yes; in the death notices this morning." HIS OPENING. Ada (pensively): 1 hope you'll invite me to the wedding when you get married. Jack (boldly): I'll invite you the first one. and if you don't accept there won’t be any wedding. APPRECIATION. She: "I like some of your articles very much.” He :"O. I'm so glad! Which was the part you liked specially?” She: “Well, I liked the quotation from Balzac.” IN HASTE. Customer (to waiter): Here, John, take my order—ox tail soup, roast lamb, fried sole, green peas, onions, tomatoes, cucumber, mince pie, cheese and eoifee. and be spry about it: my train leaves in exactly six minutes.” PROOF POSITIVE. "Heavens, Maria! was that phonograph open during a eat fight?” "No. I turned it on last night when you were sleeping. Perhaps you will believe now that you snore.” AT A SICK MAN'S BEDSIDE. Two physicians at the bedside of a patient disputed as to the nature of the disease. At last one of them end e<! the discussion by saying. “Very well: have it your own way now, but the post-mortem will show that I am right." THE WORST OF IT. He was one of those smart men who like to show their cleverness. “See me make him look small.” he said, as the beggar approached. Then he listened solemnly to the tale of hard luck. "That’s the same old story you told me last week." he said when the vagrant had finished. “Is it?” was the reply. "P’raps I did. p'raps I did,” he admitted, "but I’d quite forgotten meeting you for the moment. I was doing seven days last week, and there was such a lot of us. you see.” WOMAN’S WAYS. It is strange what a small nibble a woman will take out of a piece of cake when her lover is looking. But with what alacrity she can get fifteen clothes pegs in her mouth on washing day. when she is in a hurry and wants to go out in the afternoon! PREPARING FOR A SIEGE. Wife: The last time I asked you to give me some money you said you couldn't because the cashier was sick. Now you say it's the treasurer. Husband: I know it. He caught it from the cashier, and now I’m afraid the secretary will get it.

A NEW FEELING. Clara: It seems so stiange to be in Maud: Why. haven’t you ever experienced that feeling? Clara: Oh. yes. but not for several weeks.

CHANCE FOR HEROISM. Adorer (anxiously): What did your father say? Sweet Girl: Oh! He got so angry I was afraid to stay and listen. He’s in a perfectly terrible rage. Go in and appease him. THE POLITICAL PATIENT. "Doctor.” said Li Hung Chang, "have you got the list of symptoms all prepared?” "1 have,” answered the Court physician. "Is there any sign of popular uprising in the city” "None at present." "Any demands for anybody’s yellow jacket, peacock feather or life?” "Nothing strenuous in that way.” "Anybody trying to interview me for publication?” "No one. Such efforts are thoroughly discouraged." “Well, if you are sure that’s the case I guess I'll begin to convalesce." COULDN'T HEAR IT. “My poor friend." said the earnest reformer, "do you never hear the still, small voice of conscience?” "No," replied the wicked person. "I'm so hard of hearing that conscience couldn't get word to me with a ten-foot megaphone. BACKS. "Outre? Why, at the hunt she rode bareback.” “What! Not in evening attire?” "Stupid! The horse’s back, not her own.” exclaimed my wife, regarding me disdainfully. I laughed at myself a little, for I was not as yet thoroughly under this woman’s domination. WHAT WOULD FOLLOW. "Take awav woman." said the orator, “and what would follow?” “W e would." said a man in the audince. promptly. LESSENING THE BLOW. “Make it easier for me to bear, can't you. Grace?” pleaded the hapless youth, whom she has just refused. “Yes, George.” gently answered Grace. “I snore dreadfully.” SPARING HIM. “Well, father." exclaimed the prodigal son. as he made his appearance at the familv fireside, "are vou readv to kill the fatted calf?" “No." replied the old man. grimly. “I think I'll let you live.”

A FAMILY BOOK. Customer (hesitatingly): I suppose —er—you have some —er—suitable books for a man—er —about to be married ?” Bookseller: Certainly, sir. Here, John, show this gentleman some of our account books—largest size.” A BITE. Frank Frankleigh: Yes, Miss Antique. to be frank with you—" Miss Antique (with a chirp): Oh, Mr Frankleigh. of course you may be Frank with me—but this so sudden. A PERTINENT QUERY. Wagg; What are you doing now? N erisopht: Oh, I’m living by brain work. Wagg: Whose? GOOD HEARING. Love may be blind, but his sense of hearing is so acute that he never mistakes the jingle of copper for that of gold. SOON OVER. Bridegroom: “I’m afraid we shall look so happy and contented that everyone will know we are just married. Best Man (consolingly): Don’t worry, old chap. It will only be for a day or two, you know. SHE DEPARTED IN PEACE. “Did you have any words with your mistress which caused you to leave your last place?” “Niver a wor’rd. Sure, an’ Oi locked her in the bathroom, and tuk all me things, and slipped out as quiet as yez plase.” WHAT DID SHE EXPECT? He: We are having a very quiet passage. She: Yes. I expected much more osculation. BOTH WERE HAD. Deserted Wife (in conversation with sympathetic grocer): And I trusted him so. Grocer: Confound it, so did I! TOO LATE. She: I hear you have just got married. Jim. Is it too late to offer congratulations? He: Oh. yes. I was married a month ago. ON THE SPUR. She: Oh. Jack, here's pearl in this oyster. He (excitedly); Ethel, may—may I have it set in an engagement ring?

PRACTICAL DEMONSTRATION. Flo: Now, when I am asked to sing 1 never say “Oh. I can't!” but I always sit down at the piano Elsie: And let 'the audience find it out for themselves, eh?