Minor Matters.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXVI, Issue XXI, 25 May 1901, Page 968

Minor Matters.

A Tough Golf Yara. From a certain golf links in the South, conies an interesting story about a crow, only in this instance the crow was not killed by a swiftly driven golf ball. as has occurred in golf traditions once or twice in the past. The story relates that a crow was watching a game with considerable interest, when, as the ball of the player who was getting the worst of the' game fell directly under the tree in which the bird was perched, the crow swooped down, seized the Itall in his beak and flew away with it beyond two holes, depositing it at the third hole from the one at which the player had driven. The man whose ball had been thus generously treated claimed the distance and two holes as a rub of the green, remarking, “Me and the crow are mighty hard to beat ."—"The Argonaut.” •fr + + An Unfortunate Amateur. A New Zealand girl who has just returned from a two years’ tour abroad is having a great many jokes cracked at her expense by reason of her experiences in the field of amateur photography. She took with her a camera, one of the tripod variety, and one thousand films. All during her travels the camera was her constant companion, and in order to keep tabs on her pictures she jotted down in a notebook just what each one was. This little book contained such subjects as “Feeding crocodiles in the Ganges,” “Sunrise on the Nile." "A Street in Jerusalem.” and others of an equally interesting nature. Almost the first thing she did when she reached home was to send her thousand films to a professional photographer to have them developed. The next day she received a message from him asking her to call, and learned that her labour of two years had been wasted. Never once had she removed the eap from the camera, and everv film was blank. + ♦ ♦ Scraps of Boy Humour. The current number of the “Vicarage Hoad Boys’ School (Plumsted) Journal" has several delightful specimens of “illogical logic, ’* as a wag described the twisted outcome of lads’ thoughts. “Standard IV. had been reading 1. Samuel, ch. xxiv. v. 14. where David exclaims. ‘After whom is the King of Israel come out? After whom doth thou pursue? After a dead dog. after a flea.’ Teacher: ’What did David mean by comparing himself to a flea?’ Boy: ‘Please, sir. Saul couldn't catch him!’ Tn one of the junior classes the teacher was giving a geography lesson. and asked in what way we could get from one island to another in the absence of a connecting bridge. Up went a score of hands, signifying readiness to answer the question. ‘Swim over.' said one: ‘Wade across,* suggested a second; ‘Go over in a balloon.’ remarked a third; but the climax was reached by the next boy's novel idea: ’Drown yourself and you will be washed over.’ excitedly exclaimed he.”

Making His Last Momenta Zasy. Nurses in hospitals are rather apt to lay too much stress on the advantages received by the patients and their duty of thankfulness, but still it is the poor soldier who suffers most from always having bis causes to the grateful flung in his teeth. Witness the following true story from South Africa: — Chaplain: "So poor Hopkins is dead. I should have liked to speak to him once again, and soothe his last moments: why didn't yon call me?” Hospital Orderly: “I didn’t think you ought to be disturbed for ’Opkins, sir; so I just soothed him as best I could myself." Chaplain: “Why, what did you say to him?" Orderly: “ ’ ’Opkins,’ sez I, ‘you're mortal bad.’ “’I am.’ sez *e. “ ’ ’Opkins,’ sez I, ‘I don't think you’ll get better.’

“ ‘No,’ sez *e. “ ‘ ’Opkins.’ sea I. ‘you’re going fast.’ “ ‘Yes,’ sez 'e. “ ‘ ’Opkins,' sez I, ‘I don't think you can 'ope to go to ’eaven.' “‘I don’t think I can.' sez he. “ ‘Well, then, 'Opkins.’ sez I, 'you'll go to 'ell.' “ ‘1 suppose so,’ sez *e. “ ‘ 'Opkins, sez 1. ‘you ought to be wery grateful as there’s a place perwided for you. and that you've got somewhere to go. And I t hink'e’eard, sir. ami then he died.’ ”

The Wall of the Housewife in South Africa. New Zealand is not the only colony where the servant difficulty is causing housewives to wail. Witness the following from the “Times*’ of Natal: — It is indeed time women had a. vote in this colony, and then we should stand a chance of getting servants who would not be tempted by the touts, and butcher boys acting as touts, to leave us without notice, in the night! I know one butcher boy who told a neighbour of mine t-hat he had been offered ten shillings if be could get an umfaan from anywhere! Another neighbour has just had to promise a little umfaan fifteen shillings a month, who would have been well content with six shillings a month two or three months ago. At the camp labouring Kafirs are getting only a reasonable wage, but they are getting their afternoons off, and I hear that is so great a temptation to them that it is increasing our difficulties as resident householders. Domestic native servants. who before the military came would have been glad of a pound a month, and their daily meal, with meat once a week, are, I hear, getting now at the camp three pounds a month, with’ a pound and a half of meat and bread daily! At the same time 1 hear there are hundreds of young native men lying now at their kraals (in this Division), beer-drinking and courting, living on their savings, which have, been all too rapidly acquired—either for their own real good or for ours. If this is the state of things now, what will it be later on, when Johannesburg is refilled with a civil population, all requiring servants? It fills me with blank despair, and will affect all women similarly who are not strong enough to perform all household duties themselves. Verily, our only hope lies in women obtaining the vote. What men in their selfishness neglect, we should make a burning question—the proper registration and disciplining of the child of nature, who is admitted to be in a state of tutelage. but whose education, entrusted to us. we are terribly neglecting, thereby preparing a rod for the backs of the white women of Natal. Should Royalties Have to Bow ? Is it not time that the functionaries who make laws for public ceremonies made it possible to dispense with the bowing and bending which custom exacts from the principal dignitary in a procession? To keep on bowing so many times per minute for the hours it takes to traverse a route seven miles, long, lined the whole distance by cheering spectators, is’ something more than fatiguing duty. With training and goodwill’no doubt it can be got through. It is not so tiring to the muscles as dub-swinging, which some champions can carry on for one or two days at a stretch. But club-swinging is purely mechanical exercise, and with a musical accompaniment it almost goes on of itself. In a procession the hero of the hour has to make each fresh group of spectators feel that their special cheers come as a pleasure. When the Royal visitors rounded the Town Hall corner in Melbourne (says an Australasian writer), where the people had stood so long waiting for relief from the tension they felt, it was difficult to realise that the Duke of Cornwall had already put his hand up io his hut some JOO or 400 times, and that the Thiehess had as often bowed. Yet their Hoyal Highnesses had to go through the operation at the Town Hall as if they were acknowledging

their first greeting. Aud they had still some miles of spectators to pass and beud to. The Free and Easy Colonial. Royalty will get used to the free and easy colonial style before the tour is over. Considering the rules laid down for dressing during the Royal visit, it was a trifle amusing to find that the Government conversazione in Melbourne was a go-as-you-please. Hundreds of men wore tweed suits, tan boots, and straw hats, which they kept on all night. It omen arrived in morning, seaside, and cycling dresses. Some guests strolled in arm-and-arm, nicely cleaned, and arrived very hungry. They soon swept the tables of everything eatable, and looked around with an Oliver Twist air for “more.” They thoroughly enjoyed themselves in a simple Arcadian manner, and. after “taking it out” of the Government guests who had come properly dressed, went home in the best- of humour, and as happy as big sunflowers. It was the most curious gathering ever seen in Melbourne.

Naval Men and Colonial Girls. The idea that no naval officer can come out to Australia for three years’ service without becoming engaged or married to an Australian girl is almost universal at “home” (writes “Evelyn” from Sydney). When the “old” officers of the Royal Arthur were on their way out in 1887 someone in the mess declared to his shipmates that such would be their fate. He was married himself, and, therefore, safe. At once they pounced on him and vowed that nothing would induce them to marry an Australian. Then said the married one, “Very well, we’ll arrange matrimonial stakes; you ean all enter. I’ll hold the money, and those who win wives lose cash to those who don't.” They agreed with alacrity, all except one man, who had made up his miud that if he saw an Australian girl that was nice enough, that girl he would

marry. They have gone away, officers, wiser than before, aud the man who gets a good deal of the money is the man “who would marry.” He is still at large, whilst most of the others are married or engaged—and to Australians, mostly Sydney girls. * ♦ ♦ A South African Jo ah Billings. The philosophy of \V. Abdul Suiteman, the South African successor to Josh Billings, is being largely quoted. These are his latest utterances: — Men talk logic, women act it. Above a certain rank women are waited upon; below it they do the waiting. Noah and his syndicate were the only public contractors who executed a job without appealing to the Government for help. It is a pretty bad thing to lie a. liar, but to be a perfectly unconvincing liar is to realise the extreme of dreadfulness. Some members of Parliament are capable of nothing; others are capable of anything. It pays to be magnanimous, for it is cheaper to forgive your enemy than to support a Natal lawyer.

He is a very lonely man indeed who has no vices.

When on account ot his vices a man is left out in the cold, he can content himself with the reflection that there’s a warm time coming.

To have many friends it is only necessary to keep good whisky. This exhausts Ihe obvious.

The man who has seen better days commands pity, but how about the tnau who has seen better nights?

It is easier to earn money than not to spend it. It is an easy matter to master the grief—of another. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's; so does her tongue. Money being the root of all evil, everyone should try and do all the good he can by getting it from other people.

A monopoly is like a baby—a man is opposed to it on general principles until he has one of his own. ,