The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXVI, Issue X, 9 March 1901, Page 476

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

THE CANNER. A canner, exceedingly canny, One morning remarked to his granny, “A canner can can Anything that he can, But a canner can’t can a can, can he?” TOUGH LUCK The Doctor: Here I carried that patient through a desperate sickness only to His Wife: Have him object to your fee? No; drop dead when he saw my bill! A MERCANTILE TEMPERAMENT. “Politics is a great sell,” remarsed the man who is always looking on the dark side of things. “Well,” answered Senator Sorghum, “your impressions on that point depend a great deal on whether you’re delivering votes or hustling after them. In my operations politics has struck roe as a colossal buy.” THEY ALL CAME BACK. “Half a dozen of us fellows,” said the struggling young author, “held a competition in short story writing. My story won the prize.” "Conceded to be the best, eh?” “Well, we sent them all to the same magazine, and the editor kept mine longer than any of the others.” SHE KNEW. The Book Agent—l would like to show you this beautiful work. It tells about the habits of savage animals. The Severe Lady at the Door —1 don’t need it: I have been married four times. QUALITY AND PRICE. Clerk —Perhaps you’d like to look at some goods a little more expensive than these? Shopper —Not necessarily, but I would like to look at some of better quality.

IT WORKED. Mike: I wish I’d got that brother o’ mine on this ’ere job wid me. Employer: Why your brother specially? Mike: Why, ye see, sur, ’e’s got a rare cheek on *im, has me bruther. Why, he’d think no more o' asking fur a pot o’ beer o'er a job like thia than nothink.

HIS REVENGE. First Traveller—Why do you blow the smoke from your cigar against the curtains of this coach? Second Traveller—Because, on account of the curtains at home, my wife does not permit me to smoke. THE REASON. “My wife,” he said, proudly, “has been known as the queen of hearts.” “No doubt,” they answered; “it was because she took the knave.”

Lady: What did you mean by applying for a situation without a written reference? Applicant (apologetically): If you plaze, ma’am. Oi can’t wroite.

ONE-SIDED. He —Your left arm is wonderfully developed. Miss Allstyle. Do you go in for athletics? She—Oh, not at all. That is the arm I lift my skirt with. IMPOSSIBLE. “I’ll make your name a hissing and a byword!” savgely spoke the rejected lover. “You may make it a byword,” the proud beauty answered, with majestic contempt, “but your own good judgment will tell you that you can’t do much hissing with such a name as Delia Miller.” DEVOTION. The noble vessel, freighted with 1000 barrels of whisky, had sprung a leak and was fast sinking. “Come, sir.” sternly spake the captain as the last boatload of passengers waited for the word to push off. “you are the only one left, and you have not a moment to lose!” “Captain,” replied Colonel Bluegrass. pale and self-possessed, “I shall go down with the ship!” A DIFFERENCE. “The soil,” said the political economist. “is what supports us.” “Well. I don’t know,” said the sea captain thoughtfully, “the ocean supports me about eleven months in the year.” A FALL TRIP. Askit: “What is a convenient fall trip for me to take?” Tellit: “You might step on a banana peel, or try to balance on a cake of soap at the head of the stairs.” WHO HAS THE EXTRA PACK? Coroner: “I attended a card party the other night. The man on my right held four aces and a king. The man on my left held four kings and an ace. Undertaker: “What did you hold?” Coroner: “I held the inquest.”

AND SO SHE FIRED HIM. Sue: O, yes, I just had to tell him nott to come any more. He’s too much of a calamity howler for me. I like people who prefer to look on the bright side of things. Bessie: Why, I didn’t know he was that way. Sue: Yes. Whenever we get to sit; ting near each other and conditions were favourable he’d begin to ask if I didn’t think papa might come in at any moment, or if mamma wasn’t on the stairway, listening. HOW TO PUT IT. Mrs Grossly: There’s a man out here who’s intoxicated. Mr Euphemistic: Oh, don’t say that. Why not say “the gentleman is drunk?” BOARDING-HOUSE BUTTER. Grogan: I suppose you know it is the proper caper now not to serve butter at dinner? Hogan: That’s always been the rule at our boarding-house. They serve oleo instead, you know.

Irate landlady: “Now, don't gimme any song about misfortune an’ wantin’ to be a hard worker ’n’ all that. I can see right through you.” Mr Slowpayer (the boarder): “ I knew 1 had nothing to eat for three days, but I didn't know it had thinned me down like that.”

SYMPATHY NOT WHAT WAS WANTED. A native of the mountain district of Kentucky had occasion to go on a journey recently, and before starting took out an accident policy. He chanced to be one of the victims of a railway collision, and the next morning his widow, armed with a newspaper report in which his name was mentioned among the killed, called on the agent of the insurance company and demanded the money. “But, madam,” said the agent, “we will have to have some definite proof before we can pay your claim.” “More proof!” exclaimed the bereaved woman. “Why, he ’s dead’rn a door nail, I reckon.” “Possibly, my dear madam,” answered the polite agent, “and I’m very sorry.” “Sorry! You are sorry, are you?” “I certainly am. madlam. I sincerely sympathise with you in your sad affliction.”

“But hain’t you goin’ to give me the money what’s cornin’ to me?” “Not to-day. Your claim will have to be investigated first.” “That’s just like a good-for-nothin’ man,” angrily retorted the bereaved woman. “You all are mighty perlite ’bout things so long as they hain’t costin’ you nothin,’ but the minnet a poor lone female does git a chance to git holt of a leetle spendin’ money you got the gall to say you’re sorry.” And the indignant female slammed the door.

NO WONDER. Visitor: What a haughty, overbearing child that little freckle-face is! /Teacher: It jisn’t his feuty; his mother is a cook and his father the janitor of an apartment house.

“Pat, is this true what I hear?” “An’ what’s that, yer honour?” "That you are going to marry again.” “That’s so, yer honour.” “But your first wife has only been dead a week.” “Shure, she’s as dead now as she iver will be, yer honour.”

ANSWERED. “I say, Sherry,” said one of two royal Dukes, who had met Sheridan in St. James-street, “we have just been discussing the question whether you are a greater fool or rogue. What is your opinion, my boy?” “Why,” said the wit, smiling and bowing at the compliment, and then taking each of the Dukes by the arm, “i* faith, I believe I am between the two.” IT SUITED HIM. Irate Pa: Did you tell that dude who calls on you every other night that I am going to have the gas turned off promptly at 10 p.m.? Daughter: Yes, papa. Irate Pa: And what did he say to that? Daughter: He said he would consider it a personal favour if you would have it turned off at 8.30. THE TARIFF. Customs Inspector: This photo is of a very lean man. Passenger: Yes, foreign living fattened me up. I have nearly doubled my weight. Customs Inspector: Then I must charge you the special duty on for-eign-grown meat. The Woman of the House—Here’s a pair of boots that belonged to my late husband. If they fit you . Beggar (looking at the worn-out boots) —Ah. ma’am, you’d better keep them. Perhaps you’ll get married again. THE PROFESSOR’S SCHEME. Henderson (who has just bought a new pipe): Can you teR me, professor, if this amber is genuine? Professor: Oh, that’s easily determent d. Soak St Jin ajlpohol for 24 hours. If it’s genuine it will then have disappeared.

Rustic to Bessie, who is struggling with a punctured tyre, and expressing her annoyance rather emphatically: Have patience, Miss. Bessie (irritably): Patience, be hanged! Why, I’ve got the blessed thing by the hour.