Minor Matters.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXV, Issue XX, 17 November 1900, Page 916

Minor Matters.

disorderly Conduct at a u • J I Synod. Something- in the nature of what is termed in Parliament “ disorderly conduct ” occurred during a recent sitting of the Presbyterian Synod. Qf course, the conduct was “disorderly” only in the technical sense in which that term is applied in connection with legislative bodies. Shortly before 11 o’clock an elder rose, interrupting another speaker, and in anything but pacific tones expressed his opinion that they were listening to a lot of long speeches with nothing in them. Thereupon several members rose and objected to this comment, demanding its withdrawal. The member who had interrupted the speaker said, “I withdraw it,” but made the remark without moving in his seat. This was not. deemed satisfactory or respectful, and a proper withdrawal and an apology was demanded. The offending memImt thereupon apologised, but added, “ Do you want me to make a long speech about it?” and as that was not desired the incident closed without further comment. + <*• + ■- A Story Worth Remembering. The. Dutch commandant who had charge of all the British prisoners taken after the battles of Glencoe, Dundee, and Nicholson’s Nek has told Michael Davitt the following interesting little story:—Going his rounds at midnight on one occasion he was astounded to see an English soldier acting as Boer sentinel over the prisoners. and on the commandant demanding an explanation Tommy offered the following extraordinary account of his transformation from a prisoner to sentinel over himself and fellow prisoners: “Well, sir, this ’ere poor little chap,” pointing to the sleeping form of a Boer lad fifteen years old, “was dead broke for sleep after two nights of dooty. I takes pity on the little chap, and I says, ‘Look ’ere. you're regular done up. you are, that s sartin. You give me your rifle and take a bit o’ sleep, and I’ll do sentry-go for you, I will. Honor bright! I won't do nothink wrong; blow me if f do!’ So the little chap went off. It’s all right, sir; don’t you .Jdame him, please. He. is only’ a j<id!” “I was assured,” adds Mr Davift. “that neither ‘the kid’ nor the kind-hearted English prisoner suffered over’the unique incident.” • ♦ * , + A Unique New Zealand - . Tour. A unique tour is planned by Mr. A. Monro, of Taranaki. He is having con-structed-at his'farm a large caravan, yvhjch- will be fitted up with living apartments, ete., and conveniences for cooking. ' It will be drawn by three or,four horses,' the animals being now lire’pared for their long journey. It is Mr. Monro’s intention to drive to Wellington, cross to Picton, and drive thence right , through the South Island to Invercargill, accompanied on the journey iby his wife. He expects to leave about December 4. •h + + Laughter in Church. The only time I ever heard a congregation laugh unrestrainedly during the regular services in a cathedral was back in the eighties, wte.i I was a resident of dear, dirty Dublin. On one Sunday morning the b’shop of Cork preached. He was a spl ndid man. an Irishman to the backbone and possessed of as tine a brogue as ever distinguished a son of Er’n. His congregation was made up of the very essenee of fashion in Dublin, which in those days, was one of the greatest social centres' of the’’world. Notoriously. people were living beyond their mean,s, .for'the income fiom the landed estates of Ireland had taken a big tumble. But that made no difference. and good dressing went as a matter of .course and was one of the smallest of tin- extravagances. The bishop preached on the subject of extravagance and spoke particularly of overdressing. His sermon was a bitter arraignment of the s n of debt and the. w-ickedness of setting the heart on fashion and drees. He attacked the. overdressed woman and wound up thia particular reference this way: “Now,

supposing every one of ye—every one, n»tui and woman—should stand up in this church, take off the clothes ye have not paid for. just walkin’ out with the things on your hack ye have paid for—a pretty lookin’ lot of scarecrows ye’d be.” There was a pause until the real significance of the suggestion had liercolated th-ough the members of his congregation, then some one snickered. Every one was picturing to himself and herself the real scene that would occur should the bishop’s idea be cir.ied into effect, while wife looked at husband and members of each family nudged one another. The ludicrous side was irresistible and the laugh was general. * * * Police Episode at Dunedin. Shortly before 12 o’clock the other day Sergeant Higgins brought a young man named Erank Burns to the Dunedin police station on a charge of theft. When the watch-house keeper was taking a book from under the counter and the sergeant was giving him some instructions, the prisoner was asked to remove his effects from his pockets ami place them on the desk. He was in the act of doing so when the idea of escape seemed to strike him, and. taking advantage of the momentary preoccupation of the two officers of-the law. he bolted out of the watch-house and across the passage. The folding doors were closed, and. apparently, he imagined they were locked, for he made straight at the glass panel in one of them and broke it to pieces, his bodygoing partially through with the force of the impact. The doors swung outwards, and the prisoner rolled down the steps leading into the station and on to the street. Recovering his feet he started off along the street, and a short and exciting chase followed, Constable Wholman, the clerk in the inspector's office, joining in. The police are evidently- fleeter of foot than those who are their particular care, for the young man had not gone many yards before he was overtaken, rearrested and lodged in the lock-up. ♦ ♦ ♦ Some Hat Stories. The London “Globe" has been col. lecting a series of lost hat stories, oi which the following are specimens: — A father and son were standing at the entrance to Old Chain pier, at Brighton, when the dear little boy tumbled into the dancing waves. A bystander, accoutred as he was, plunged into the sea, and buffeting the waves with lusty sinews, succeeded at last, in setting the. dripping chiltl at. his father’s feet. “And what hae ye done wi’ his hat?” said papa. A correspondent sent the following narrative:—A festive bluejacket was seen from a ship in Malta harbour dancing on the top of the parapet wall at Fort Ricasoli. 'Firsts his hat blew over, and then, leaning over to look for it, he lost his balance and fell after it—a sheer drop of thirty feet or more. The surgeon on duty was landed with a party to bring off; the remains for identification. They found him crawling about on hands and knees and inquired if he was seri* ously hurt. “Hurt be blowed!” was his reply. “Where’s my hat?” A Riccarton Racecourse Episode. A writer in the Christchurch “Press” relates the following amusing yarn: — “Turn yer pocket out like a gen'l'man!” But the individual, so addressed, half intoxicated as he was. manifested supreme indifference to this hall-mark of a gentleman, and stared inanely at the bookmaker who addressed him. The missing ticket contained a record of a bet, which the investor had won. and until it was produced the bet could not be paid. The investor had not only’ failed to produce the ticket, but apparently had actually committed the unpardonable sin of accusing the bookmaker of stealing it. Thus was a fine row brewing. “Turn yer pocket out like a genTman,” imperatively demanded the bookmaker, his voice subduing the din of the other voices round him by mere power of . lung. “Turn it out an’ we’ll see whether I've got the ticket.”

“Turn his pocket out for him,” yelled his assistant, savagely. Meanwhile the subject of all this wrath was regarding both men with a vacuous grin. He wouldn’t turn his poeket out, primarily because he wasn’t able to, but the fact that he showed no inclination to accept this simple means of proving his good faith was beginning to weigh heavily against him in the minds of the crowd, who watched the contest much in the same way as a jury would. He had a mate and this man attempted to pull the case out of the fire. “Why should he turn his pocket out? He’ll do nothin' o’ the sort.” “Why won’t he?” rejoined the exasperated Itookmaker. “What ha’ you got to ’ith it? He says I stole his ticket. Let him turn his pocket out like a gen'l'man.” Murmurs of approval from the crowd. “We’ll soon turn his pocket, out,” shouted the assistant, who recognised that the day was won. He seized the man’s coat, after a. feeble resistance, and put his hand into the pocket indicated by half a dozen of those standing about him. “Excuse me," he said with studious politeness, as he dived his hand in, and brought, out a motley collection of crumpled papers of all sorts and sizes. Selecting one of these he waved it aloft triumphantly. It was the missing ticket. Then he proceeded to fall upon his man with the emphasis of a pile driver. “D’ye know what ought to be done with you?” he screamed, with many adjectives. , “You ought to have your head punched.” He started at once to punch, but the bookmaker interposed. “You let him alone. You’re not in this at all. I’m the bloke, not you. If anybody’s got do any punchin’ I’m the man.” He said this with the air of one who resented any infraction of his undoubted rights. “Look here,” he went on, addressing the investor, “you accused me of stealin’ that ticket, an’ here it is in your pocket. You ought to be kicked—any man who’d do a thing like that. Here's your money and clear .out,” a.nd with this he won the jury over entirely. He was leaving the Court without a stain upon his character. Then he handed £ 1 over to the man's mate, which immediately started the latter off in a long, and involved argument with the bookmaker, their voices pitched in a high key. For in this queer world all voices must be pitched in the highest- of keys, if they are to be. held at all in the midst of the noise. ... - f + +’ ' + Saw the Mistake too Late. “He asked me to marry him.” “And you accepted him?” “No. Idiot that I was, 1 asked for time.” “And what did he say?" “He sa’d held giye me a year.” “Ah! And what did you. say?” “I saw my mistake. I said two days would be plenty. But he wouldn’t hear it. He said no woman could male? up her mind in such a short time. He really insisted upon my taking six months. We finally compromised on thirty days.” . “And then?” “He married that putty faced Bimberling girl the very next- week.—“ Cleveland Plain Dealer.” ♦ * ♦ ' He Obeyed Orders. Willie, six years old, has a pair of parents who try to break him of the habit of taking things on his plate t hat he cannot eat and leaving much to go to waste. He is in a fair way to improve under their watchfulness. “You must eat the crust too, Willie,” his mamma will say, and Willie will dutifully eat the crust. “Don’t take such a. large piece of cake, Willie, unless you can eat it,” his papa will say, and Willie will take it and stuff himself with it rather than to leave a crumb for his father to grumble about. The other day Willie was invited to a birthday party. His mother dressed him in his best clothes. “Now, mind, Willie,” was the last thing she said to him, “eat everything you take on your plate.” Willie came home that evening with severe pains. The little girl in whose honour the party was given was thirteen years old. Her mother had baked a birthday cake and part of the scheme of ornamentation of it were thirteen wax candles. Thera were three of them on the piece that was put ou Willie’s plate.

Red Tapeiim*. At the present time, when the ays* tern of red tape is being attacked and ridiculed, the following somewhat amusing methods of dealing w th matters are still adopted hi one of the great government departments. For instance, a hairbrush and comb must be purchased under the head of service “clothing,” whe:es a toothbrush is under “fuel” and sjieetacles under “medicines.” A clothesbasket is “clothing," but clothes pegs are “incidentals.” The funniest of al l , however, are guano and straw, they being purchased nnder “victualing.” A good instance of red tape is told in connection with the excise. An officer had entered in the inquiry column of his return: “March 13. J’og d.-.ad.” This did not satisfy his supeiior, who to'.d him to inquire agaiu, which the obedient officer did, recording: “April 10. Dog still dead.”—“London Standard.” ♦ ♦ * Quite Wrong. Tire other morning Jones t„r,.ed up at the office even later than usual. His employer, tired of waiting for him, had himself set about registering the day’s transactions, usually Jones’s first duty. The enraged merchantlaid his pen aside very deliberately, and said to Jones, very sternly indeed, “Jones, this will not do!” “No, sir,” replied Jones gently, drawing off his coat as he glanced over his employer’s shoulder, “it will not. You Lave entered McKurken’s order in the wrong book. Far better t> have waited till I came!” + + + A Modern Hero. A fluffy girl and a man with an undefinable air were seated recently at a table in a popular cafe, let us say, in Auckland. Hovering attentively near was a waiter known to the habitues of the place as Jim. “I wish,” said the girl, with a dreamy look and a cultivated drawl, “ that men of to-day were like those of olden times. Then they would fight for a girl—lay down their lives if necessary. Now they (she paused, looking intently at a tall glass of ice cream) content themselves with buying ices or afternoon tea.” The man looked nettled. “ We have not changed,” he maintained; “ only nowadays there is no opportunity to display our devotions—-no tournaments; no heavy villains. That sort of thing is out of date.” “ That’s just it! Out of date! Chivalry is out of date, but a brave man would make an opportunity,” pouted the fluffy girl. The man looked over his prominent nose sulkily, for he admired the girl and in his heart he knew he was a hero. Suddenly a bright thought struck him. He fumbled in his pocket for a match, and, failing to find it, hurriedly excused himself and left the. table. " I ordered you another ice,” he announced, returning. The girl protested gracefully, but just then the waiter’s great figure, like that of a guardian angel, approached with the cooling mixture. Now Jim is the verbially skilful in his handicraft of juggling tumblers, but as he neared the pretty girl his footseemed to slip, and splash! went the ice over her summer gown. “Stupid!” ejaculated the

girl. “ Wipe that up immediately,” commanded the man. “ She ean wipe it up herself,” said the waiter. “What! you insult a lady in my presence!” exclaimed the Aucklander, as he sprang from his ehair. lie grasped the huge waiter by the shoulders and shook him as if he were a willow reed. Then, to add emphasis to his aet, he boxed the man soundly on his ears. Doughty Jim was as a child in his hands. The fluffy girl, after her first fright, looked with admiration at her protector, and, neighbouring pleasureseekers made audible and favourable comments on his righteous indignation and courage. Presently the two departed. They were on the street outside of the cafe, and the man was handing the fluffy girl into a bus.when the waiter Jim touched him on the shoulder. The girl gave a gasp of fear when she saw him, and her companion turned fiercely. The waiter, however, attempted no violence. He only said in a very loud voice: “Look here, you didn’t stick to the bargain. You hit too hard, and if you don’t give me another five bob I'll have you pinched.” * * * An Absent Minded Beggar. A very irritable and absent-minded man left the Waikato last week to attend the races at Ellerslie. In order that he might have enough money to pay his hotel bill he tied a sovereign in the corner of his handkerchief. Iu the train he drew his handkerchief from his pocket and noticed the kncl in the corner. “Now,” he said to himself, “what was it I wished to remember?” Much thought failed to enlighten him upon the point, and at last, in a fit of passion he hurled the handkerchief out of the window'. Then he remembered. 4-4 4 Did She Misjudge Him? “As you know,” said Winkleton to his wife, who sat calmly engaged in the intricacies of a half-completed sofa pillow, “I am not of a jealous disposition. I noticed at the . dancing club last night that ybung Dribbton paid you marked attention. I have been thinking over the matter since then and I am glad to say that I have no petty feelings upon the subject. I have seen some men who would have been furious over even such a smalt matter as this, but I am glad to say that the whole evening I wasn’t ruffled. It is a pleasure—l may say a source of great satisfaction —for ihq to know that I am broad minded enough to ignore a. thing- like this. Indeed, it was really a delight for me to know that you are such an attractive woman. I should, I believe, have some secret chagrin—my pride would be touched —if you failed to attract any notice from Other men. I really don’t think, ray dear, that there is one particle of jealousy in my whole nature.” “I am glad to hear you say that,” smiled Mrs Winkleton in reply. “No doubt I have misjudged you, but I did think that possibly'you were annoyed by Mr Dribbton.” “Never!” said Winkleton, firmly; “never! Such a. thing did not occur to ■ me. At the same time I don’t mind saying this,” and his voice rose at a bound from 70deg. Fahrenheit to l<>o in the shade, “if he goes one step further, or even dares to repeat the smallest fraction of his odious atentions to you of last evening I’ll horsewhip him within an inch of his life!” * * * Can You Do This? Two men in a cafe were discussing a gift by a noted millionaire of a large sum of money to found a college cliair of psychology. “What is psychology, anyway?” one) “It’s the study of the mind, of the soul,” said the other. “What’§« the . good of that?” asked the sceptic. “A great deal of Use,” answered his coinpanion. “I have studied it to some extent myself and can detect a weak-minded man from a strong-minded one by a simple test. For instance, if I can make you say ‘ fourteen ’ against your will you lack will power. Will you let me try it on you? “ I believe I can make you ■ay it.” “ Make me say ‘ fourteen ’ against my will? You can’t do it. Fire away!” And this is the way the test worked:—A.: How much are Six •nd four? B.: Ten. A.: How much are eight and three? B.: Eleven. A,: How much are nine and seven? B.: Sixteen. A. (triumphantly): Aha! There, you said it. I knew you would. B. (indignantly): Said what? A.: Sixteen. B.; But “fourteen” was the word we chose for the test. A. (coolly): Well, you’ve said it tut*. anyway.

About Marriage Superstitions. There are many superstitions connected with marriage, and among the quaintest are the following:—The bride who dreams of fairies on the night before her wedding will lie thriee blessed. The bridegroom who carries a miniature horseshoe in his pocket will always be lucky. The finding of a spider on the weddinggown by a bride is considered a sure sign of happiness to come. Never give a telegram to a bride or bridegroom on the way to the church. It is a sure omen to evil. If during the marriage-ceremony the wedding-ring falls down, the bride’s fate will not be an enviable one. ♦ * * A Maori M.D. Mr. Maui Pomare, a clever young Maori, who was educated in New Zealand, but afterwards went to America and passed the medical examinations, is now in Wellington, and is applying for registration as a doctor. His admission to practice w ill be allowed by the medical faculty, and it is expected that he will start medical work amongst his people. 4 4 4 A Hard Fact. Here, is a fact —and facts are stubborn things. About three years ago a tree on a property adjoining the Masterton racecourse was blown over. During the gale of last week the selfsame tree was lifted bodily from the ground and restored to its original position. We have the utmost respect for the author of this story. He is a regular church-goer, upright in all his dealings, and withal renowned for his veracity. It is hoped, therefore, that those who may be incredulous will visit the locality and examine the tree for themselves. We have not done so. 4 4 4 A Matter of £.s.d. “ Before I agree to undertake your defence,” said the lawyer, who had been called in, “ you will have to be perfectly frank with me and tell me the whole truth. Did you embezzle the £SOO yon are accused of having taken?” “Yes, sir,” replied the accused man. “ I’ll not attempt to conceal the fact from you. I stole every penny of it.” “ How much of it have you left?” “It’s all gone but about ten pounds.” “ Young man,” said the eminent lawyer, putting on his gloves. “ you’d better plead guilty and throw yourself on the mercy of the court.” " I'll do it if you say so, sir. What are you going to charge me for the advice?” “ Ten pounds.” 4 4 4 Lunching on the Vicar. Many sacrifices are made by church clergymen, but. few can approach the unselfishness of the vicar of St. Andrew’s, Congresbury. In an account, of the church Sunday-school outing we read in the “Weston-super-Mare Gazette”: On their arrival at Weston the young folks thoroughly enjoyed themselves until 12.30, when they were provided with a substantial meat lunch on the vicar, the Rev. Maunsell Eyre, and at 4.30 tea was partaken, of. Several missionaries have provided lunches for cannibal islands, but this is the first instance we believe in England. 4 4* A Difficult Word to Say. He was a most worthy young man with a fondness for discussing sociological and moral questions, and once started on his hobby he could scarcely be headed in any other direction. He had been quite devoted in his attention to one young woman for as much: as six months, but she had been unable to bring him to his senses, though she was willing to confess that she had tried repeatedly to do so. Of course she had done it in the delicate ways women have in those matters, but what he needed was a club. Not a great while ago he was calling as usual, and as usual he was neglecting sentiment for something that only made a girl tired. This time he was moralising on the temptations of life and the proneness of people to yield without making the proper effort against them in whatever form they might appear. “However,” he said in conclusion, displaying a commendable spirit of charity for the weak, “it is a very difficult thing for anyone to say ‘No.’ ” Here was an unexpected chance for her. “And conversely,” she responded slowly so he

could get the full force of it, “it should be very easy for one to say ‘Yes.’” He looked her straight iu the eyes at last, and a hush fell upon the scene. “Fm-er-urn,” he hesitated, “Miss Kate, am I a chump?” It is very difficult for one to say ‘No,’ ” she said with a pretty little smile, and later she found it quite easy to say “Yes.”— Washington "Star.” 4 4* A Neat Compliment. Dorothy came home the other day with gratified vanity stamped all over her. To the eager inquirers as to the reason for this unusual condition she finally replied: “I’ve had a compliment—not one of your everyday affairs that any stupid man can say, but an original one. 1 was just told that seeing me was like eating soup with a fork, it was so hard to get enough of it. Do you wonder that 1 feel pleased with myself, as well as with the maker of such a compliment?”