The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXV, Issue X, 8 September 1900, Page 472

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

RIVER’S MOUTH. Miss Romantique—ls it not strange to think of these happy waters gurgling so merrily here in the brook, and then fancy how sombre and dull they are where the river flows into the sea? Mr. Practique—Oh, 1 don’t know. It isn't strange that they should be sombre and. dull when they get down in the mouth. ALL THE DIFFERENCE. Visitor—Does Clarence still fiddle? Fond mother—Oh, dear, no! lie took a course of lessons in Paris, and Tie plays the violin now.” ENJOY ED II ERS ELF. Molly- Did you enioy yourself at the ball last night? Dolly—Yes, indeed. Molly—Hut you danced all the time with but one man. Dolly- Yes; lint there were seven others pacing the hall floor in a jealous rage. ACCOMPLICES. “1 see that big canvas in the gold frame is signed by Smith as well as by you.” “Yes, we collaborated.” “Sort of companions in gilt, eh?” POINTED. Harber —Shall I go over your face twice? Customer—No, I think once will do; I don’t want you to strain your voice. AT THE CLUB. Harold -What’s that article you’re cutting out of the magazine? Rupert An article on “How to Prolong Life!” My rich Uncle Jack always drops in here about 3 o’clock, ami the first thing he tackles is the magazines! THOSE FOOLS! Branebe: I made a regular fool of Harry last night. Cora (eagerly): Did be really propose* ? TOO HASTY. Customer: “I’ll .give you five shillings for that book. That's every penny it's worth." Shopman: “I—l ” Customer (interrupting): “Five shillings, or nothing.” Shopman: “Very veil. sir. Thanks. Cash! I was trying to say that, the retail price of the book was threeand nine, but you wouldn't allow me to.” NATURAL SCEPTICISM. Jaggles: How did the impression first arise that perhaps the Hible didn’t contain the truth? Waggles: Probably when people considered that the twelve Apostles were fishermen. The most wonderful thing about a baby, says a cynic, is his ability to refrain from blushing when his mother, in his presence, describes his good points to her visitors.

. WE NEVER KNOW. ' “Ah!” sighed the long-haired pas- . senger, “how little we know of the } future and what it has in store for us.” “That's right,” rejoined the man with the auburn w’hiskers in the seat opposite; “little did I think some 30 years ago when I carved my initials on the rude desk in the country schoolhouse that I would some day grow up and fail to become famous.” WHAT WAS WANTED. Lady (indignantly)—That parrot we bought of yon hadn’t been in the house a day before it began to swear dreadfully! Dealer —But you insisted, ma’am, on getting one that would be quick to learn! TRUE ENOUGH. “Which is farther away?” asked the teacher, “England or the moon?” “England,” the children answered quickly. “England? What makes you think that?”

“Because we can see the moon, and we can’t see England,” answered the brightest of the class.

"The man I mean to marry,” said Miss Plain, “must be a hero.” "He will be,” remarked our cynic. ON GUARD. "Has that sporty old widow succumbed to your attractions yet?” "No; no such luck. 1 am afraid she is one of the ‘Old Guard.’ ” “How so?” “She dyes, but never surrenders.” A HAPPY THOUGHT. She—Richard, this would be a good time to apply to papa for his consent. He—ls he in a particularly good humour? She—On the contrary, he is very angry over my dressmaker’s bills, and would lie glad for almost any excuse to get rid of me. OUT OF IT. Visitor What are you crying- about, my little man? Little Willie—All my brothers hez got a holiday, and I hain't got none. Visitor—Why, that’s too bad! How is that? Little Willie (between sobs) —I—I— don't go—to school yet! A GLEAM OF HOPE. “What did Neighbob say when you tolil him you wanted to marry his daughter?” “lie didn't absolutely refuse, but he imposed a very serious condition.” “What was it?” “He said he would see me hanged first.”

THEORY AND PRACTICE. Hibbs—Who was the man you gave a shilling to this morning? Gibbs—An old literary friend of mine; author of “How to Get Rich in a Month.” SIGNS OF THE TIMES. “I believe you have been secretly married to young Mr Noodle!” cried the irate father. “How ridiculous!” replied his daughter. “Well,” said her sire, “he used to come here at 8 o’clock and stay till 11.30, and now he doesn’t get here until nine o’clock and leaves at 10.15.” OUTSIDE HER RECKONING. “Mamma, what would you do if that big vase in the parlour should get broken?” said Tommy. “I should w*hip whoever did it,” said Mrs. Hanks, gazing severely at her little son. “Well, then, you'd better begin to get up your muscle,” said Tommy, “coz papa broke it.” ON THE SAFE SIDE. Little Eph—l don’t beliebe in ghosts, but I hope dey don’t know it, ’cause it might rile ’m fo’ people not toe beliebe in ’em. EXASPERATING. “Gee whiz! How my wife does aggravate me!” “You surprise me. Surely she doesn’t henpeck you?” “No; it’s her awful meekness. Whenever we have an argument, and I’m in the right, she always sighs and says, ‘Oh, very well, dear, have it your own way.’ ” THE SECRET OF THE SURVIVAL. Miss Summit—What a lot of old china Miss Spindle has! And she says it was handed down in her family. Miss Palisade—Then it is just as I expected. Miss Summit—What is? Miss Palisade—That her ancestors never kept servants. SO SEVERE. Mrs Bingo —You must be careful what you say to the cook, dear, or she will leave. Bingo—Why, was 1 hard on her? “Were you? Why, anyone would have thought you were talking to me!”

NOT THE THING. “Mr. Smith.” said a lady at the fair, "won’t you please buy a bouquet to present to the lady you love?” “It wouldn’t be right,” said Mr. Smith: “I’m a married man.”

THE INSINUATOR. Marie: “You should get him to sign the pledge when you marry.” Carrie: “Why, he doesn’t drink.” Marie: “No, but he may be tempted to do so later.” A SURE SIGN. Bellows—What makes you fear that your son. who went to Australia to make his fortune, is dead? Fellows (with a sigh)—He hasn’t written for money for nearly two months. CUT OUT FOR IT. “My son,” said his father, solemnly, “when you see a boy always loafing about the street corners, what place in life do you think he is fitting himself for?” 's “To l>e a policeman.” UNKIND. Ethel—That detestable Mrs Bloom said that I looked thirty. . Maud—How perfectly absurd! Ethel (elated) —Frankly, now, how old do you really think I look? Maud —About forty. A FOOLISH QUESTION. His Honor—Y’ou are charged with stealing chickens. Have you any witnesses? Mouldy Mike—l have not. I don’t usually steal chickens before witnesses. THE BURGLAR AGAIN. Fullcash (waking with a start in the middle of the night, and hearing sounds in his bedroom) —Who’s there? Speak! Who’s there? Hoarse whisper from the darkness— For goodness’ sake, hush. There’s a burglar just gone downstairs. I’m a policeman, and if you’ll keep quiet, and not strike a light, I’ll nab him in two twos. Fullcash obeys, and the whisperer, whose name is Sikes, ambles gently downstairs and out of the back door with his booty.