The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXV, Issue III, 21 July 1900, Page 144

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

MI ST AK EN IDENTITY. Bess Singleton: I wouldn't marry the best man in the world. Neil Young-wife: I should say not! 1 would just like to catch mv husband committing bigamy. NO TICK. Dilatory Customer: I may be slow in paying my bills, but you will certainly give me credit for one thing— Grocer: Nbt for a dried herring! NO TROUBLE. Mistress: 1 think you will prove satisfactory. But I cannot engage you until 1 have consulted with mv husband. Maid: Oh. that's all right. 1 a.ways get on perfectly with the men. HIS IDEA. Kelly: Shure. a bachelor is a stimuli part av a man! Casey: Vis; and a married man is a shmall part av a woman! THEIR RELATION. Askington: Do you know Gabblebv? teller: Well. I have a listening acquaintance with him. DOGBERRY. 'Wes. the witness declared. "I could give further evidence against the prisoner, but. as Kipling savs. That's another —' '* "Never mind what Kip Ling says." interrupted the magistrate, "the Chinee can testify for himself when his turn comes.*' THE POOR GIRL DIDN'T KNOW YOU KNOW. Daughter: No. mamma. Harold his not pro|»osed as yet: that is. not in so many words. Mother: Mercy me. .Jane! You must not wait for words! Pr posais a.e mostly made up of sighs, gurgles, stammers, coughs, hems, h.ws and looks, you know! HIS REASON. "What is your favourite recitation?" asked the hostess. "Curfew Shall Not Ring To-night." answered Mr Bykins with a promptness which was almost defiant "Why. uolmmlv recites that anv "That's why 1 like it.”

FIN DE SIECLE. “I assure you. Miss Dollie. 1 possess an inexhaustible supply of poetical talent, but I am still too healthy and fresh to produce anything really greatl ”

CONSCIENTIOUS. Madam: Bridget, didn't I set* that fMdiceman kissing yon at the door last night? Bridget: Share, you might, ma'am: I couldn't think of resistin' an officer in the discharge of his duty, ma'am. HER USUAL WAY. “I hope. dearest." he said to the lovely young chorus girl who had promised to lx* his. “I hope that these little matrimonial details do not weary you." “Why no. George," replied the ingenuous young thing, “they do not On the contrary, thev are a delightful novelty. Usually I simply go out for a walk and come back married."

CONJUGAL REPARTEE. Mr Crossley (in the heat of the quarrel): Bah! 1 only married you because 1 was the only person in the world who pi tier! you. Mrs Crossley: Well, everybody in the world pities me now! THROWN DOWN AGAIN. ”1 have always been a reader of your poetry." began Mrs Gushe. “I am g!ad." replied Algernon ( haries Mystic, “that someone understands me.” O. but that is what I have been hoping to meet you for. I wanted you to explain." THE GENUINE ARTICLE. “Four cookin' eggs, please, and mind they's 'ens' eggs." ••'Ens' egg-=! Well, we don't keep none other but 'ens' eggs." “O. that's all right, bur mother told me to ask because she 'eard you kept a incubator." HARD TO REMEMBER. Miss Pepprey: Why. she doesn't look as if she knew her own name. Miss Newitt: She doesn’t, half the rime. Mi>s Pepprey: Really? Miss Newitt: Yes. you know she married a Polish nobleman. Doctor: “Troubled with insomnia, eh? Eat something before going to l*ed." Patient: “Why. doctor. you once told me never to eat anything I efcre going to bed.” Doctor ( with dignity): “That, madam, was away hack in 1>99. Science has made great strides since then.” “Willie, how did you get along at school, to-day?" “First rate." “Now. Willie." his mother went on severely, •'don’t tell stories. I heard you had to l»e punished." “Yrs. but it didn't hurst as much as usual.” Landlady: “I'm always forgetting. Do you take cream in your coffee. Mr Sluds?” Mr Sluds (a pessimistic l»oarder): “Very seldom in this house, madam." TRUE ( AMPAKiN ALACRITY. •‘What did that politician say at first blush when the office was proffered him?" "At first blush? Ixrts you know about politics. There wasn't any blush a (tout it; he nabbed it.”

THE CARDS ARE OUT. She: But you know the advice given to people who contemplate matrimony—“don’t! *’ The Lover: Yes: but the man who wrote that never saw you! OYER THE LIMIT. "Your greatest enemy is whisky." said the parson to an incorrigible member of his flock. "But.” said the wayward one. "you have always told us to love our enemies.” "Yes." answered the good man. “but not to swallow them." THE ARTFUL ROGUE. "Hou did Bluffer so easily win Miss Goldltag's heart?" "He sent her 22 roses on her 30th birthday." HIS LITTLE "LINE." A commercial traveller fell in the other day with an intelligent passenger in the train, ami was so charmed with his anecdotes that he • insisted on feasting him: and. after sundry bottles. became talkative about shawls and merinos, boasting of his commission being worth per annum. "I am also a traveller." said his companion: “hut can I depend on your silence?" On which he dropped a hint that his line was robbery, forged bills, and sometimes murder. at which he earned .£3OOO, one year with another. Dumfounded. our commercial managed to shorten the interview, and made the police acquainted: and from the station hurried a posse of policemen to capture the criminal, whom they found to be a well-known barrister.

NOT VERY SICK. "Am I very sick, do you think?" "O. no. The doetor says that onlv two or three of your lives are in danger.” GALLERY WIT. A funny story of the East-end stage refers to a popular actor named narry Simmonds. tie was supposed in a melodrama of the uay to have run through a fortune, and to contemplate suicide. Someone knocked at the uoor of his wretched garret. He hasitiy thrust his revolver into Undraw er of the table at which he sat. Au old solicitor entered. "It's my pleasing duty.* saiu he. "to tell you tha vour Uncle John is dead and” (impressively» "has left you half a million of money." "Half a million of money!" said the suicide. thus suddenly restrained: "what shall I do with it—what shaP I do with it? "Well. 'Arty." said a gallery boy. “I should buy a pair of boots first!" ALL IN A NAME. "We are organising a new illuminating gas company," said the promoter. “Give me a good name for it." "Something classic?” asked the professor to whom the question had been referred. "Yes, but not too all-fired classic.” "Well, how would ' Eusebius ’ do!” "That's capital!" rejoined the promoter. as the significance of the title gradually dawned upon him. The name was adopted accordingly, and a few months later the Gas Trust, responding to what seemed to be an invitation conveyed in the last two syllables of it. bought the new company out.

JUST ABOUT THE TRUTH. Bennie: "What's a conversationalist?" ..enuie: "Oh, it's a man that doesn't have to stop talking when he hasn't got anything more to say.”

ONLY TWO. I nele Treetop (showing city niece round his estate): That heifer'is two years old now. < ity Niece: How do you know? "By her horns.” "Oh. to be sure; she has only two.” A.v AMERICAN MOUSE. A mouse lately showed great presence of mind on falling into a dish of cream. It swam round and round violently, until it was able to crawl out on the butter. This was in America. Nixy: Speaking of Borehgrevinck. I think Arctic and Antarctic explorers are all remarkable men in one particular. Dixy: What is it? Nixv: They are so cool in the hour of danger. And then he ran for his life. OVERHEARD ON AN OMNIBUS. Workman (looking up from his newspaper and addressing his mate): I say. matey, wot’s a pro-Boer? Hi> Mate: ..ot*s a pro-Boer? Why. Pro is short for purfessional. matev’ Them pro-Roers is chaps as mikes a’ piirfesfcssion of bein' Boers. An' most on 'em don't do it for nothin' neyther. AN ABSENT-MINDED ONE. Doctor: "Professor, a little son has just arrived." Professor: "Tell him to wait in the ante-room.” TO WIN FAME. Young Politician: "What must I do to gain the unanimous applause of the press?" Great Head: “Die." THE MOTHER OF INVENTION. Would-be Purchaser: "These cigars are smaller than usual." Tobacconist: "Yes; you see. the cigar manufacturer noticed that the last inch of the cigar always thrown away, so he makes them now that much shorter." A LITERARY' MAN. Puff: W hat a literary-looking ebap t’ia- fellow Blevins is. to be sun-. Y’-v i could tell he knew how to write at a glance. (. ritic: les—if you hadn't read his books. WELL OUT OF THE WAY. Disgusted Patron: Where is the man who keeps this restaurant, waiter? Waiter: He's gone out to lunch, sir. DIDN'T WORK. Harry: I always pretend to be asleep in a tramear, and then, of course. I can't be expected to get up ami give my seat to a lady. Jaek: Well. 1 tried that, and the lady looked down at me and said to her friend: "Isn't it awful to think that such a young man should be sueh a heavy drinker?" Then I had to get up to prove that I was sober. MAN ABOUT TOWN. Teacher (to new scholar): What does your father work at. Johnnie? Johnnie: Please, ma'am, he don't work at nuttin’: he*s a policeman. MUNICIPAL REFORM. Speaking on the subject of local government. a gentleman the other day declared that city councils and borough councils were not always perfect. He knew of one which got so mixed while sampling some whisky that the clerk signed the cheques with that tluid. while the chairman drank the ink.