The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXIV, Issue XV, 14 April 1900, Page 720

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

AMATEUK THEATRICALS. Mabel: Oh, dear, the curtain will rise in five minutes! Are you quite sure you know your words? Jack: All except the part where 1 kiss you. 1 think we had better rehearse that once more. PROOF ENOUGH. Ferdinand: And do you really love me? Penelope: Love you, Ferdinand: Why. only yesterday papa asked me if 1 wouldn't sooner have a cocker spaniel and I refused.” EXACT INFORMATION. “I have noticed,” said Rev. Dr. Goodman. pausing in his discourse, “that two or three of the brethren have looked at their watches several times in the last few minutes. For fear their timepieces may not agree I will say that the correct time is a quarter to twelve. I set my watch by the regulator at the jeweller's last night. The sermon will l>e over at one minute past twelve. It would have closed promptly at twelve but for this digression. Let us proceed to consider now what the apostle means when he says. ‘I press towards the mark.’ ” AN EDUCATOR. Editor “Pokeville Banner” (addressing- school): Now, children, J suppose you all know that a newspaper is a public educator? Head Scholar: Yes, sir. Teacher brings a copy of your paper to school with her everey day. Editor: Ah! And what then? Scholar: Why, she makes tire grammar class pick out all the grammatical errors in your editorials and she makes the infant class pick out all the errors of spelling and punctuation. TO-DAY. All busy: "Where is your mother, Johnny ?” "Playing golf.” "And your aunt?” "She is out on her bike.” "And your sister?” "She's gone to the gymnasium." "Then I'll see your father, please.” “He can't come down now. He is upstairs giving the baby a bath.” AFTER LANDSEER. "Well. Mary, what did you think of the pictures at the Academy?” “Oh. mum. there was a picture there called ’Ten dogs after Landseer,' but I looked at it for nearly half an hour and 1 couldn't see no Landseer.

Merchant (to applicant for situation as porter): Are you married? Applicant: -No. sir: these scratches on my face came from falling over a barbed wire fence in the dark.

TOO MUCH OF A RUSH. Friend: I see you have begun spelling your name in the old-fashioned way, S-m-i-t-li. Smythe: Yes, I have to. Too many "Smythes” nowadays, you know. THE CRUEL WORLD. "He has made his bed; let him lie in it." exclaims the world. How cruel is the world! Especially since the world, of course, knows what, a terrible thing is the bed which the average man has made. A COSTLY TIE. Wife: You haven’t worn that lovely tie I gave you last Christmas. Husband: Um. it is rather dressy for ordinary occasions. Wife: Yes, I know, but I'm just dying to see it on you. Let's go to the opera. NOT KNOWN. Botanical Old Gent (in publie gardens): Can you tell me. my good man. if this plant belongs to the Arbutus family? Gardener (curtly): No. sir, it doesn't. It belongs to the corporation.

De Vane (who is always boasting of his visits at great houses): Most extraordinary! I dined at the Duke of —"s last night, and there was no fish for dinner. Bored Old Gent (in the corner seat): No. they had eaten it all upstairs. I expect. WHAT HE HAD GOT. Proud Cyclist: Yes, it took me about six weeks' hard work to learn to ride. Pedestrian: And what have you got for your pains? Proud Cyclist: Arnica. MAKING SURE FIRST. "Why did you not utter a warning cry when you saw that the stand was about to fall?” "I did, sir." "When ?” "As soon as my suspicions we're fully verified by the fall of the structure, sir.” (OLD. INDEED. A Liverpool man who went to Alaska to dig gold writes home from Dawson City:—“lou may expect me in Liverpool as soon as my clothes thaw enough for me to get my hands into my pockets and reach the money for my ticket. PROVING AN ALIBI. "When I come home in tin- evening my wife is always playing the piano." "Is she so musical?” “No. but if the dinner isn't good she wants me to know she didn't have anything to do with it.” NOT PARTICULAR. He (in the course of a dissertation on “Love"): Let me say. by way of argument, that I love a particular woman.” She: If wotdd Im- of no use if she were at all particular.

TOO READILY ACCEPTED. Here is a story of how Disraeli once trapped his great political antagonist. Gladstone had made an impassioned speech in favour of the union <sf Wallachia and Moldavia. Disraeli pointed out that the result would be to destroy the independence of these people, and the only thing left would be the remorse “which would be painted with admirable eloquence by the rhetorician of the day.” Tn reply Mr Gladstone said that he would not be guilty of the affected modesty of pretending to be ignorant that the designation “the rhetorician of the day” was intended for himself. “I beg your pardon. T really did not mean that.” Mr Disraeli interrupted. Words could not convey the expression of amazement and indignation on Gladstone’s face, while Disraeli's satisfied smile as he sat down told of his enjoyment. A QUALIFIED APPRAISER. ~ “I am afraid yon don’t appreciate popularity at its full value.” “I ought to lie able to,” rejoined Senator Sorgham. “I have paid enough for it.” “BE EARLY ENGLISH IF YOU CAN'T BE JAPANESE.” “May.” said her husband, as they prepared to go out calling, “do you really mean to use those calling cards with your name spelled ‘Mae Kathryn Al vs Smith ?’ ” “I certainly do,” replied Mrs May Catherine Alice Smith “Very well, then.” said her husband, firmly. “I am with you.” and he politely presented her with a card neatly inscribed. “Jorje Phredervc Albvrt Smith.” It is sometimes easier to borrow money than to nay it back. THE INWARD MONITOR. A teacher defined conscience as "something within you that tells you when you have done wrong.” , "1 had it once,” spoke up a youngster of six summers, “but they had to send for the doctor.”

Irate Old Gent (to snoring inebriate): Don't you know, if you kept your mouth shut, you would make less noise? Inebriate (drowsily): So would you. BACON. "They say." observed the clairvoyant. “that you were Bacon.” "That.” replied the spirit of Shakspere. with ready wit. “doubtless comes about through my having been so much of the time on the pork." The Bard of Avon, as you all recall, was an actor of the legitimate, and we well know how it is with actors of the legitimate in every age. MORE THAN A SURPRISE. Wiekwire: Is this the surprise you promised me for Christmas—the bill for my presents? Mrs Wiekwire: Yes; but if you look at it again you will see that it is receipted. A GREAT BREAD EATER. Professional: “Please gimme sixpence. sir. to buy some bread." Muggins: “Why. I gave you sixpence not half an hour ago.” Professional (taking in the situation): ‘“Yes. sir. I know, sir: but l—l’m a terrible bread eater.”

THE EDITOR COLLAPSED. "Mister, do you write the ‘Answers to Correspondents’ for this paper?" asked the stranger with the despondent countenance, as he leaned across the desk and heaved a rye-tinged sigh through the atmosphere. “Yes, sir. What can Ido for you?” “Can you answer a little question of relationship?” “Give me the facts and I’ll try.” “Here you are. When I was a baby my mother, a widow, married the brother of my father’s first wife. He was my uncle, of course, but that made him my father, didn’t it?” “Y’our stepfather, you mean.” “Yes. Well, mother got a divorce from my uncle-father, and then she married the eldest son of my father’s first wife. He was my half-brother, wasn’t he, and also my step-father, wasn’t he?” “It looks like he was.” "That made mother my half-sister, didn’t it?” “I—l—l guess it did.” "That's what I thought. Well you see. my uncle's father had a daughter before he married mother. She was my half-sister, too. wasn't she?” “I—l—l guess she was.” "That's the way I put it up. Next thing was, my mother got a divorce from my brother-father, and he—my brother-father, you know—married my half-sister. That made her a kind of stej>-mother of mine, didn’t it?” “I—I—I—” “Well, never mind answering yet. My half-brother-stepfather died, and now my half-sister-stepmother and I want to get married, but wc cant figure out if we can without being arrested for some kind of thingamy. AVe don't want to get our tyre punctured just as we get to scorching on the matrimonial tandem. What I want you to tell me is: What is my relationship to my brother, my uncle, my stepfathers. my half-sisters, my mother, my half-brother, my stepmother, and myself, and if I can marry her without —why. what’s the matter?” The “Answers to Correspondents” editor had become unconscious.

THE GOOD OLD DAYS. “I'll not allow you to dictate to me!” cried the angry former typewriter. “No.” replied her husband angrily. “I suppose I relinquished that right when I married you.” ALMOST TOO MUCH. "You are my ideal,” he said earnestly; "the only girl 1 ever loved, the only girl I ever could love. No other could possibly fill the void in my heart.” “And if you never had met me, George," she asked anxiously, “would von never have cared for any girl at all?"

SAD FORETHOUGHT. “Wonderful! Miraculous! What a mighty achievement!” exclaimed the sychophants. when Hercules emerged from the smoke with the three-headed dog. Cereberus,in his Herculean grasp. “It is nothing.” replied Hercules, holding the animal up by the tail and counting its heads again to be sure that none had got away. “It is nothing. And yet.” he added, with a touch of regret, “that dog would be worth $75 a week to any dime museum in the country.”

Miss Shoddie: What’s this, ma? Mrs Shoddie: That there is a antique coat o' mail wot 1 bought at them art rooms. It’s to stand in th’ front hall. Miss Shoddie: But what for? Mrs Shoddie: Wot fer? You'd better read history a little. I want folks to think that our ancestors was hightoned an' went to college an’ ployed football.