The Graphic,s Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXIV, Issue III, 20 January 1900, Page 144

The Graphic,s Funny Leaf

Mistress: I saw two policemen sitting- in the kitchen with you last night. Bridget. Bridget: Well, ma'am, yez wouldn’t have an unmarried lady siftin’ with only one policeman. would yez? 'Hie other wan was a chaberon. Ella: To think that it is two years since we met and you know me all at once. Then T haven’t changed much after all. Bella: Oh, I knew you by your bonnet. Who would have thought there was so much wear in it? “Jones called up his first wife at the seance last night, and what do you think he said to her’” said Smith. “Goodness knows,” replied Brown. “He asked her if she would give his second wife her recipe for mincemeat.” He (at breakfast): My dear, the paper says there was quite a fire in our block early this morning. It was supposed to have been incendiary. She: Well, don’t let a little thing like that worry you. He: Why. what do you mean? She: Nobody will ever accuse you of building- it.

Some philosopher says: “The contented mail is never poor; the discontented never rich.” That may lie all right as far as the man himself is concerned, but it is discouraging to be a member of a contented poor man’s family. Brown: “My wife objected to having a burglar alarm put in the house.” Jones: "Why?” Brown: “Well, she says that if there is no alarm, burglai’s may finish their work quietly without waking anyone, while, if she ever heard an alarm ring she’d be sure to have hysterics.” “Have you anything beside this photograph by which 1 can identify him?” asked the detective. “Yes, I have,” replied the hard-featured matron, whose husband had deserted her. And going to her bureau drawer she took out a bunch of ginger-coloured hair, tied with a ribltoii. “Him and me had some words one day,” she said “and I pulled all this out of his head.” Mrs Pepper: “You don’t act much like it now. but when you proposed to me you told me that you fell in love with me at first sight.” Mr Pepper: “And it was the truth. 1 certainly didn’t have the gift of second sight, or I never would have done it.” Employment Agent: “Why did you leave a place in which you have worked so many years?” Domestic: “Well, you see, the missus died last month.” "The house is lonely now, I suppose.” •‘'Taint that; but now the missus is dead the master blames everything on me.” “As to military occupation — Mildred,” said her father, “I am willing tha t the young lieutenant who comes here should make a coaling station of my house again this winter, but if ever he hints at annexation you may tell him I am unalterably opposed to it.”

Lucy: “Such an exquisite skirt your dear little daughter wore at the children's fancy-dress party! Was it your design?” Ella: "Not exactly. You see, the time was very brief, and 1 just let her wear the shade of the drawing-room lamp.”

Doctor: “Now, what have you had to drink to-day?” Patient: “Do you mind looking in the passage, doctor?” Doetor: ‘‘Certainly, but that will not tell much." Patient: “No, that's just it. But. you see. I thought my old woman might be listening at the door.”

“Boss: “I don’t know whether to discharge that new boy or raise his salary.” Manager: "What has he been doing?” Boss: “He rushed in my private office this morning and told me there was a man downstairs who woidd like to see me.” Manager: "Who was it?” Boss: “A blind man.”

VALIANT. Chrissie (reading letter): “‘To please yon 1 would penetrate the pathless’ forest; 1 would traverse bread oceans and explore the unknown regions of the earth; I would ascend the loftiest peaks of the mightiest mountains, and brave the raging torrents which pour down tbeir precipitous sides; I would assail the Arctic icepack, and. overcoming every obstacle, carve my way to the undiscovered Pole: for you dear, I would dare anything and everything.’ Oh. the brave boy! (Continuing): ‘P.S. —1 will come and see you to-morrow if it doesn’t rain.’ ”

Mr Citiman: “To save my neck 1 can't understand why the crowds at the ferries always have such a happy look.” Mr Suburb: "It’s simple enough. After the day’s work in the city we're always glad to get out of it; and after eight or ten hours in the country, we're always glad to get back.”

"Leonidas.” exclaimed Mrs Meekton, suddenly interrupting herself, “do you remember how this argument started?" “Yes. Henrietta. You said that I always insisted on arguing a point, and I said that you did, and then the conversation developed.”

“Mamma.” said the sweet young girl, “I think Mr Meadows loves me and is beginning to have serious intentions.” “'What,” the fond mother asked, “has brought you to this opinion?” “He laughed heartily at one of papa’s jokes last night.” “This,” said the professor, “is my conception of a perfect day.” “How so?” asked the doctor. “I am comfortable without either a straw hat. an overcoat or an umbrella.” Maude: George, I think I oughtn’t to marry you. for I don’t believe you love me at all. George (ardently): Why. my darling. I am passionately, desperately, madly in love with yon. I worship the very . Maude: You talk well enough. George, but those letters you wrote to me when you were away were so cold that they froze my heart. One would think you were, writing to your washerwoman about her bill. George: I—was —engaged—to— 'a —gtirl — once — before, and when she sued me for breach of promise, all my letters to her were —read ■ —■ oitt —in — open — court.

THE STAMP OF TRUTH. First Fellow Citizen: “I see you god a bad code id your head. Led me tell you a sure cure for id. Juss ged a liddie asfoedity ad a liddie oi’ of tar, ad taig a spoonfull ev’y ted midutes. It wi' cure you id haf a hour. Hoo-chee-koo! hoo-chee-koo! hoo-ehee-hoo-ehee-hoo-chee-koo!”

A woman cured her husband of staying out late at night by going to the door when he came home and whispering through the keyhole: "Is that you. Harry?’’ Her husband's name is John, and he stays at home every night now, and sleeps with one eye open, and a revolver under his

“I'll wager something handsome that the Rev. Dr. Pilger wishes lie had up gone away on his summer vacation and left his parish in charge of young Psalmson.” “What did young Psalmson do?” "Married the richest widow in the church, and she's promised to set him up in a parish of his own.”

"Young man,” said the pompous party with the big watch chain. “I laid the first foundation of my fortune by saving tram fares. I .” “Ah, that mav be so,” remarked the flippant youth, “but you must remember that a conductor couldn’t do that sort of thing nowadays, with these punch bells and the cheek system.

Citizen (breathlessly): “Is Snapshot guilty?” Court Officer: “I don’t know.” “Jury still out?” “No. Jury's in.” “Disagree?” “They agreed.” "Eh? Gave a verdict?” “Yes.” ‘Well, what was the verdict?” “Guilty.” “Why in creation didn’t you say so in the first place?” “Say what?” “Guilty.” “You didn’t ask me what the jury thought about it. You asked me if the man was guilty—a different thing altogether.”

THE USUAL WAY. Smeltzer: Farmer has found traces of gold on his place. Panner: You don’t mean it! What’s he going to do about it? Smeltzer: Going to start a company of course. Then, if the gold does not pan out well the expense won’t all fall upon him, and if he does strike it rich he will simply freeze out the other fellows.

ON SENTRY DUTY. Caller (to child whose mother has left the room for a moment): “Come here to me, my dear.” Enfant Terrible: “No, I musu’t; mamma told me I must stay sitting in the chair because there’s a hole in the cushion.” George: Say, John, you've been married several years. How much does it cost a couple to live? John: Hard to strike an average, George. Sometimes it costs all I can rake and scrape and borrow, and sometimes hardly anything. “That’s queer. How does that happen?” “Sometimes we've got a girl and sometimes we haven’t.” “No,” said Mr Cumtox, “I don’t think I shall ever try to run one of them orter—that is to say, one of those there horseless carriages.” “It’s not at all difficult,” said his daughter. “Maybe it’s not for some people. But I’d get my mind so tangled up tryin’ to pronounce the thing’s name that I’d be sure to let it run away with me.” “Jack,” asked the father, “are you going in for any of the school sports this year?” “Yes. daddy,” replied the unsuspecting boy. “I’m going to try for the mile race.” “Good!” returned his father. “I have a letter to be posted. and it’s about a mile to the postoffice and back. Let me see what time you can do it in.” “You say you want to marry my daughter. Have you spoken to her?” “Yes, sir,” replied the young man, "and have gained her consent.” "Well, if she has said ‘yes' that settles it. Anything I might say or do would not have the slightest influence.” Then the young man went home, ami wondered if he were not too young to marry such a girl.

Tommy! Whatever are you beating Willie like that for? Well, you see, we’re playing at soldiers at war. I’m the British and he's the Boers, and—er —well —er —I’m winning.