The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXIII, Issue XXI, 18 November 1899, Page 944

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

FOOD FOR REFLECTION. “Waiter, I can’t get my teeth into this steak.” “So the last gent said, sir, but I thought it was the fault of ’is teeth. Get you another, sir?” THE BRIDE’S FIRST HUSBAND. A clergyman was called upon to perform a marriage ceremony for a couple in middle life. “Have you ever been married before?” asked the clergyman of the bridegroom. “No, sir.” Have you?” ! to the bride. “Well, yes, I have,” replied the bride, laconically; “but it was twenty years ago, and he fell off a house and killed hisself when we’d been married only a week, so it really ain’t worth mentioning.” WHAT PAPA SAID. "Gustavus, dearest, do—do you ever drink?” she. asked, and the tone in which she spoke was tremulous and pleading. Reluctantly he admitted that there were occasions when he glanced carelessly upon the wine when it, was red. “Ah, dearest,” she continued. with (anxiety depicted on her lovely features, “what do you suppose papa would say if he should discover that his only daughter’s future husband drank?” “He discovered' it yesterday afternoon,” responded Gustavus, with some, of the same old reluctance. “Oh. and what did’ he say?” she inquired breathlessly. “He said” — the manly young fellow’s voice trembled—"he said; ‘Well, Gustavus, my boy. I don't care if I do! Mine’s the same, with just, a dash of bitters.” There was silence for a moment. —possibly two. M (IST I ’ NFORTUNATE. "How did : t happen that Miss Singleton refused to marry the young clergyman?” “Why, when he proposed to her. she, being a little deaf, thought he was asking her to subscribe to the organ fund. So she told him she had promised her money else.” ON HER DIGNITY. Ticket Collector (kindly): How old are you. my little girl? Little Girl (haughtily): If the company doesn’t object I’d prefer to pay full fare and n tain my own st itistics.” WAXINATION. Ethel: Ma. I want. some water to christen my doll. Ma: No, dear, it’s wrong. Ethel: Well, then, I want some wax to w.ixinate her; she’s old enough to have something done to her. EXPLAIN IT. “I’ve been pondering over a very singular thing.” “What is it?” “How putting a ring on a. woman’s third linger should place you under that woman’s thumb.” A NICE LITTLE ELOPEMENT. “There’s a rather funny circumstance connected with the elopement here last week,” remarked the loquacious landlord of the tavern? in a remote Sussex village, addressing a cyclist who had stopped for refreshment. “A young man who hadn’t known her so very long ran away with the squire’s daughter, and a day or two later the old gentleman sent this message by letter to his new son-in-law: “ ‘All is forgiven. Come home.’ “To this the young fellow telegraphed the reply: “ ‘AH won’t be forgiven till I have kicked you well for letting me elope with your daughter. You’d better not be at home, when I come, that’s all.’ ”

a MOTH ERS-IN-LAW. Wife: “But, my dear husband, it is certainly very unjust in you to abuse motherst-in-law so; there are good ones.” Hubby: “Well, well, never mind! I haven't said anything against yours —only mine!” HIS DOSS, GAIN. “Yon lost two legs in the army, you say. What did you gain by it?” asked a gentleman of a Chelsea pensioner. “Single blessedness, sir,” he replied, “for after that no woman would marry me.”

EVIDENTLY NOT HIMSELF. Mrs Colonel Blazer: Doctor, what are the symptoms of paresis,? Dr. Bille.ni: Why, it usually manifests itself in strange, unusual, and unexplainable actions. Mrs Colonel Blazer: Just as I thought, doctor, and my husband’s got it. He went fishing yesterday, and eame home sober. INCONVENIENCE OF KNOWLEDGE. First Medical Student: What’s worrying you? Second Medical Student: You know I am desperately in. love with Miss Beantie. F. M. S.: Yes, and I have noticed lately that she has a sad, dreamy, soulful expression. S. M. S. : That's it. I don’t know whether it’s love or her liver. AND DON'T THEY MIND. She: “Do you meet many people when you’re cycling?” He: “Oh, yes; I often run across a friend.” AN UNFAILING APPEAL. Magistrate: Madam, what is your age? She: Your Worship, I leave that to the mercy of the Court.

WITH EXCEPTIONS. Proprietor of cheap restaurant: Yes, I want to engage a man. Are you willing to do any kind of work? Applicant: Oh, yes; I am perfectly willing to do any kind of work, sir, except eat here. UNREASONABLE. Client: “That little house you sent me to see is in a most scandalous condition. It is so damp that moss positively grows on the walls.” House Agent: “Well, isn’t moss good enough for you? What do you expect at the rent—orchids?”

MISUNDERSTOOD. Fond Mother: “My daughter’s voice has been a. great expense to me.” Visitor (who has been listening to it for an hour): “And can you do nothing for it?” PROVIDED FOR. Sick Man: “I am afraid I can’t have you any longer, doctor; my money is all gone.” Family Physician (cheerfully): “Oh, that doesn’t matter. I’ve insured your life in my favour.” QUIET INDEED. Perkins: “How very quiet it is ’ere, Miss ’Arrington.” The Lady: “Yes, dreadfully; one might almost hear an ‘h’ drop.” WHEN IT COMES TO ACTION. Marie (reading letter): “To please you I would traverse oceans.” Oh, the brave fellow. “P.S.—I am coming to see you to-morrow if it doesn’t rain.” A REAL SCIENCE. Jack: “Do you believe in palmistry?” “Yes, I do; when a man gives me the tips of his fingers I know I can’t borrow money of him.”

MERELY TEMPORARY. “Milton Jiggs writes such lofty )M>ems, and his conversation is so ordinary!” “Well, when you see a man sitting on the top of a tall step-ladder, you don’t fancy that he sits up there all the time, do you?” FLYNN CAME OFF SECOND BEST. A woman named Flynn was lately brought up in Dublin for assaulting her husband. Her husband, being in the hospital, was unable to appear in court. The woman’s face was bruised, one eye was closed, and she had a bandage over her head. “What an awful condition the poor woman is in!” said the magistrate, pityingly. “Och, yer worship!” exclaimed the woman, with a ring of exultation, “but jest wait till yez seen Flynn!” TOO WILLING. Young Wife (reprovingly): “My dear love, you know my dear mother can’t bear cigars, and she won’t remain with us a week if you smoke them in the house.” Young Husband: “All right, my dear. I’ll smoke a pipe.”

THE REASON. Dixon: “Why is it that it is usually unmarried women who write articles on ‘How to Manage a Husband’?” Hixon: “Oh, you don’t suppose a married woman is going to give her little plan away, do you?” NOT THAT KIND. Mrs Hardcash: “I want you to get me a divorce from my husband, and an allowance of 1500dols. a year.” Lawyer: “How much is his income?” Mrs Hardcash: “It’s about that. 1 wouldn’t ask for more than a man makes. I am not that kind.” WHICH? Mrs B.: If you come home like, this again I shall leave you and go back to my mother. 'Mr B: Is that a threat or a promise, my dear? (Mrs B. left pondering what to reply.) A SELFISH MAN. Neighbour: “I hear your husband has had his life insured for a large amount.” Mrs Sourface: “He has, has he? Just like him. Gone off and insured himself for a fortune, and he hasn’t insured me for a penny.”