Some More Anecdotes.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXIII, Issue XVI, 14 October 1899, Page 686

Some More Anecdotes.

“Inquirer.”—The prize winning anecdotes in the fifth competition were published in the “Graphic” last week. The eight successful competitors were: — Alec. Wilson, Purua, Kamo. Chas. Robson, Otago Heads. Frank Trevelyan, Grey Lynn. Glady Stephenson, Russell, Bay of Islands. Ida Richardson, Wellington. Rosa Morris, Colombo-street, Wellington. J. 11. A. Walker, Keri Keri, Bay of Islands. A. C. Winkelmann, W’hirinaki, Hokianga. © © ® “Can you tell me what sort of weather we may expect next month?” wrote a subscriber to the editor of a country paper. The editor replied as follows: —“It is my belief that the weather next month will be very much like your subscription.” . The inquirer wondered for an hour

what the editor was driving at when he happened to think of the word “unsettled.” He sent the required amount next day. © © © “That's what I call a good dinner,” remarked Bobby as he leaned back in his ehair with an air of repletion. “Bobby,” said his mother, “I’m ashamed of you saying such a thing.” The minister, who was dining with the family, laughed heartily. “Bobby appreciates the good things of life,” he said, “like all the rest of us.”

“Don’t you think it was a good dinner?” Bobby asked the minister.

“Yes, indeed; I enjoyed it very much.”

'Ma said she thought you would, because she didn't suppose you got very much at home.” © © ©

A witty lawyer on meeting a miller who was also considered witty asked him if he thought there ever was a miller got to heaven. “Yes,” was the reply, “I believe one did get in once, but his right to bo there was denied.”

“Then how did they, decide?” “Well, they ransacked heaven all over to find a lawyer to.tjry the Cake, and failed, so he was allowed to stop.” Exit lawyer. © © @. . ~ It is related of Lord EHenborO'hgh that when on one occasion he was about to set out on circuit, his wife expressed a wish to accompany him, a propositon to which his lordship assented, but only on the express condition that no band-boxes should be tucked under the seat, as had so often been the case before when she had honoured him with her company. Accordingly they both set out together, but had not proceeded far before the judge, stretching out his legs under the seat in front of him kicked against one of the receptacles he had so especially prohibitidi Down went the window with a bang aud out went the band-box into the ditch. The startled coachman immediately pulled up, but was irately ordered to drive on and let the thing lie where it was. They reached the assize town in due course. “And now, where’s my wig? Where's my wig?” he demanded, when everything else had been donned. ‘Y'our wig, my Lord,” replied the servant, tremulously, “was in the band-box your lordship threw out of the window as we came along.” ® ® ®

A gentleman going into a restaurant one day ordered some turkey for his dinner. He took his seat, and was waiting very patiently when in walked the waiter carrying the turkeyon a dish, and he, not seeing a ehair that happened to be in his way, fell over it, and down went the dish, turkey and all. “Well, this is a nice state of things,” exclaimed the gentleman. “Here we have the downfall of Turkey, the upsetting of Greece, the breaking-up of China, and the disappointment of Hungary.” ® ® ® Sunday school teacher: “I read in the paper of some naughty boys who cut- off a cat's tail. Can any of you tell me why it is wrong to do such a thing?” Small boy: “ ’Cause the Bible says, 'll hat God: hath joined together- let no man put asunder.’ ” ® ® ® In Africa a train is run between two small townships, and a little while ago an Englishman travelling there was very angry at. finding, after he had paid first-class fare, that second and third-class passengers were put into the same carriage with him. After much grumbling, etc., at the guards, the train started, and when it had travelled about three or four miles was brought to a standstill at the bottom of a hill; the guard opened all the cariage doors, calling out: “First-class passengers sit still, second-class pasengers get out and walk, and all thirdclass passengers get out and push.” The Englishman now understood the advantage of being a first-class passenger. ® ® ® That medical students are not as a class of nervous disposition may be taken for granted, but nevertheless many a promising youth, has had to give up the study of medicine through a morbid feeling that he was inflicted with one or other of the diseases which he was called upon to study. A case in point, that of Sir J R —, who forsook medicine for this reason, and afterwards rose to eminence in the legal profession, becoming Chief Justice of a Crown colony, is happily told by himself. While a student at Dublin University he became convinced that he was suffering from angina pectoris, and this so preyed upon his mind as to attract the attention of his professor. Inquiries eliciting the student’s fears, the professor proceeded to find out what books he had lately been studying. R mentioned several, including a Dictionary of Diseases. “And ye will have just begun the study of that same?” asked the professor, relapsing into the brogue. R admitted such to be the ease. “Then,” said the professor, “just read on till ye come to the letter D, me bhoy, and, begorra, ye’ll think ye have got the dhropsyl,” ® ® •» THE REASON WHY. “I understand that you had to be punished . in school yesterday, Thomas,” said Mr Bacon to his ten-year-old boy. “Yes, sir,” promptly replied the truthful Thomas. “It was for telling the truth, sir." “Your teacher said it was for some reflection you made on her age.” “That's the way she took it.

father. You see she drew a picture of a basket of eggs on the and while she was out of the rooni I just wrote under: ‘The hen that made these egs isn’t any chicken.’ ”

®© ® ' Many a promotion has been secured by a timely jest, as the following wi(l show:—When the Duke of Clarence, afterwards William IV., went down to Portsmouth to inspect the British Seventy-fours, the guide allotted to him was a battered old lieutenant, with one eye, who, lacking a “friend at Court,” had served for years with-, out promotion. As the veteran removed his hat to salute the Royal visitor, the latter remarked his baldness, and said, jestingly: “I see, my friend, you have not spared your hair in your country’s service.”

“Why, your Royal Highness,” answered the old salt, “so many young fellows have stepped over my head that it’s a wonder I have got any hair left.”

The Duke laughed loudly at this, but he made a note of the old man’s name at the same time, and a few days after the latter received his appointment as captain. © © ©

He: “Awfully jolly concert, wasn’t it? Awfully jolly thing by that fellow —what’s his name?—something like Doorknob!” She: “Doorknob! Whom do you mean? I only know of Beethoven, Mozart, Wagner, Handel —” He: “That’s it! Handel. I knew it was something you caught hold of!” ® © ® BOTH SATISFIED. A man wanted to know how many; teeth his horse had, so opened its mouth and put his hand in to count. The horse wanted to know how many; fingers the man had, so shut its mouth, and both were satisfied. © © ® “Bob, where is the state of matrimony!” “It is one of the United States. It ,is bounded by hugging and kissing on one side, and cradles and babies on the other. Its chief products are population, broomsticks, and staying out o’nights. It was discovered .by Adam and Eve, while trying to find a north-west passage out of Paradise. The climate is rather sultry, till you pass the tropics of housekeeping, when squally weather usually sets in with sufficient power to keep all hands cool as cucumbers. For the principal roads leading to this interesting state, consult the first pair of blue eyes you run against.” ® ® ® Letter received by an N.S.W. Publicschool teacher: — Dear Sur, Please eksuse Willie skratchin hisself to-day. Its not inseks but his new flanel shirt. Mrs O’Dooley. ® ® ® “Why, Bridget,” said her mistress, who wished to rally Bridget for the amusement of her company upon the fantastic ornamenting of a huge pie, “Why, Bridget, did you do this? Yoct are quite an artist. How did you do it?” “Indade, it was myself that did it,” replied Bridget; “isn’t it pretty, mum; I did it with your false teeth, mum.” ® ® ® A traveller meeting a settler neai? a house in the backwoods, the following colloquy occurred:— “Whose house?”—“Noggs.” “What’s it built of?”—“Logs.” • “Any neighbours?”—“Frogs.” “What’s the soil?”—“Bogs.” “The climate?”—“Fogs.” > “What do you eat?”—“Hogs.” ' “How do you catch them?”—• “Dogs.” © © © A small boy, nine years of age, the host’s son, who had a certain Bishop as a neighbour at luncheon, badly; wanted some mustard, but was in. great trepidation as to how he should address his lordship. Aftee rejecting many modes in his mind, he decided he must speak religiously; at the least, and the Bishop was startled and convulsed at once by a small treble voice saying, “For heaven’s sake pass the mustard!” Thef Bishop, on recovering, passed it. , ® © ® • r-r. 'A little boy asked his mother whertj he would go to when he died. He was told, of course, “Heaven,” and was asked who lived in heaven. “God,” he answered. “Who else?” meaning him to say “Angels,” as he had been toldAfter a long pause, slowly came thfl answer, “Mrs Godl'* ,

EMOTIONS. Describing the accident to a party of .tourists while ascending the Schneebleg, in Austria, when a rope railway waggon ran off the line and fell, with, its occupants, about 60 feet, Herr Von Ompteda, the well-known German novelist, who broke a rib, wrote to a friend:—“lt is psychologically interesting that none of us screamed as we fell. I knew exactly what to do. I waited till the waggon was in the middle of its fall, and then, crossing my arms over my head, jumped off sideways, for my thought was—before all don’t get under the waggon! The violinist (who was killed) was standing near me, clinging convulsively to the waggon, and I was just about to cry to him, ‘Let loose!’ But it was too late. Singularly, I felt sure that my’wife was safe. I somehow believed she had not fallen, and wanted to stand up and give her a sign. But I could not move. All at onee she bent over me, with blood running out of her month, and cried, ‘Mon petit, es-tu mbrt?’ I sajd, "No, T can move.’ But I 'could not move. My glorious wife thought only of me, and not for a moment of herself. Her left side is frightfully torn and bruised, but she is brave and keeps up. I am obliged to lie still. So! enough!’’ HOMEMADE CORSETS. A pair of high class corsets as a permanent investment will pay sure dividends in the shape of copies “just as good,” or even prettier. It is not necessary to rip them apart. Lay one-half, free from the lacing, upon a table and cut pieces of paper “ by the eye ” slightly larger than eaeh section. Then pin the papers upon the model, and with a pencil feel for the seam, and mark it. This line must be cut, so as to leave a perfect pattern. Allow for each seam half an inch when cutting out- the silk or batiste, so as to lap and turn in. Strap the seams like those of a coat, making smooth edges and laying the pattern from time to time upon each part as a guide when basting together. Two side steels, two front ones and four narrow ones for the baek, must be bought. Be sure to measure the length before buying. Three yards of whalebone, at twenty-five cents a yard, a piece of bone casing, a quarter of a ’yard of heavy muslin for the pockets.covering the steels, two yards of, narrow lace beading, three yards of baby ribbon, a pair of silk laces and some narrow embroidery of edging* will be required for a very dainty pair of stays. The eyelets can be put in while you wait, at any corset maker’s, for about fifteen cents. Wash silk, pongee or silk striped gingham is cool and delightful for the coming warm days. Brocade and taffeta, of which a yard is enough, if not too narrow, makes handsome serviceable corsets. A bride-to-be has concocted “dreams” for the envy of her girl friends out of left over pieces. A white pair, made from bits of the wedding gown, and embroidered with marguerites ; a pongee pair trimmed with ecru lace, to wear with a petticoat of the same, and an Empire corset, made of inch wide satin ribbon, to be worn under a tea gown, are driving a limited number to go and do likewise.

A pair of corsets, eleven inches long at the front and sides and twelve in the back, made of inexpensive silk, possibly a remnant, with pretty trimmings and good accessories, costs about three dollars. ■V • . ' A GOOD CLERICAL STORY. The Rev. S. F. L. Bernays contributes “More Humours of Clerical Life” to the November “Cornhill.” The following is one of the stories: —A clergyman was walking through the outskirts of his parish one evening, when he saw one of his parishioners very busy white-washing his cottage. The parson, pleased at these somewhat novel signs of cleanliness, called out: “Well, Jones, I see you’re making you're house nice and smart.” ■With a mysterious air Jones, who had recently taken the cottage, descended from the ladder, and slowly walked to the hedge which separated the garden from the road. “That’s not ’xattly the reason whj’ I’m doing this ’ere job,” he whispered, “but the last two couples as lived in this ’ere cottage ’ad twins; so I says to my missus, I’ll take and whitewash the place, so as there mayn’t be no infection. Ye see, sir, as "ow we got ten of ’em already.” Whether the whitewashing was effectual or not, I have not been able to ascertain. '