Some More Anecdotes.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXIII, Issue XV, 7 October 1899, Page 635

Some More Anecdotes.

On one occasion the driver of a prison van, generally known as “Black Maria,” distinguished himself by his ready Wit. A would-be wag on the footpath failed him with, “Got any room inside, Robert?” “There’s room for one,” replied the driver; “we kep’ it for you.” Not entirely disconcerted, the wit made another shot: “What’s your fare?” he asked- The answer, however, entirely extinguished him, for the driver replied, “Bread end water, same as you had before.”— Alec. Wilson, Purua, Kamo. ® ® ®

One day a gentleman was riding along a country road, when he saw a boy lying on his back in the sun by the side of the road. He asked him if he could show him the way to Mr Wilson’s. The boy did not get up, but pointed with his foot to a house and said, “That’s the place over there.” The gentleman said, “My boy, if you can tell me a lazier trick than that I will give you a shilling.” The boy did not move, but said, “Just get down and put it in my pocket, please.” — Charles Robson, Otago Heads. — —

Some of the New York papers are publishing as a curious item a statement to the effect that a horse in lowa pulled the plug out of the bunghole of a barrel for the purpose of siaking his thirst. We do not see anything extraordinary in it. Now, if the horse had pulled the barrel out of the bung-hole, and slaked his thirst with a plug, or if the barrel had pulled the bung-hole out of the plug and slaked its thirst with the horse, or if the plug had pulled the horse out of the barrel and slaked its thirst with the bung-hole, or if the bung-hole had pulled the thirst out of the horse and slaked the plug with the barrel, or if the bung-hole had plugged its thirst with a slake it might be worth while to make some fuss about it—Frank Trevelyan, Grey Lynn.

® ® ® An English sailor attended service at a fashionable church, where he, of course, heard some very fine music. Returning from service, he was descanting particularly upon an anthem which gave him much pleasure. His shipmate listened for a time, and then said: “I say, Bill, what’s a han them?”

.ht!" replied Bill, “do you mean to say that you don’t know what an hauthem is?" “Not me,” replied the other. “Well, then, I’ll tell yer. If I was to tell yer, ‘ ’Ere, Bill, give me that ’andspike,’ that wouldn’t be a hanthem. But if I was to say, ‘Bill, Bill, Bill, give, give, give me that hand, give me that hand, handspike, spike, spike: Bill, give, give me that, that handspike, spike, spike, spike. Ah-men, ah-men- Bill, give me that handspike- Ah-men,’ why, that would be a hanthem.” “Well, if that’s a hanthem, it’s enough to give anyone the spike.”—Gladys Stephenson, Russell, Bay of Islands. ® ® ® It is told of Bishop Doane, of Albany, U.S.A., that while dining recently at the house of one of his friends he was pleased to observe that he was the object of marked attention from the small sou of his host, whose eyes were riveted upon him. After dinner the Bishop approached the boy and said: “Well, my young friend, you seem to be interested in me. Do you find me all right?” “Yes, sir,” returned the boy, with a glance at the Bishop’s knee-breeches, “you’re all right; but, say, won’t your mamma let you wear trousers yet?”—lda Richardson, Wellington. ® ® ® OF DUMAS.

When Alexander Dumas, the elder, brought out one of his early tragedies his patron, the Due d’Orleans, was so pleased with it that he resolved to present the author with a gold snuffbox, with his portrait set in diamonds. Seeing Dumas at Chantilly races, the duke sent an aide-de-camp to inform him of his intention- After congratulating the poet warmly, the officer asked him where he should leave the box for him. “Well,” said the Bohemian, “since you are so obliging, would you mind pawning it as you go along and leaving the money at my lodgings?”—Rosa Morris, Colombostreet, Christchurch. ® ® ®

General Oglethorpe, when a mere boy of fifteen, served under Prince Eugene of Savoy, and once when at table with the Prince of Wurtemberg, that royal personage, in a contemptuous way, filliped some of his wine info the gallant youth’s face. Oglethorpe controlled his anger, and, afraid alike of being thought quarrelsome and presumptuous, or cowardly and servile, looked smilingly into the face of the Prince, and, affecting to regard the insult as a joke, calm-ly wiped his face and said: “That is a good bit of fun, your Highness; but we do it much better in England,” and threw the whole glass of wine in the face of the Prince. A terrible scene of alarm and consternation ensued, until an old general arose and said, “Remember, my Prince, that yon first gave offence,” upon which His Highness grew calm, and acknowledging his rudeness, apologised to the fearless lad, thus at once restoring the harmony of the evening.—T. H. A. Walker, Keri Keri, Bay of Islands. ® ® ® SHE RELENTED. They were seated on a rustic bench“Oh, do be mine,” he cried, attempting to draw her a little nearer his end of the seat. She made herself rigid, and heaved a sigh. “I’ll be a good man. and give up all my bad habits,” he urged. No reply. “I’ll never drink another drop,” he continued. Still unrelenting sat the object of his adoration; “And give up sm-oking.” Cold as ever. “And join the church.” She only shook her head“And—give you a diamond engagement ring,” he" added, in desperation. Then the maiden lifted her drooping eyes to his, and leaning her frizzes on his shoulder, tremblingly murmured into his ravished ears: “Oh. Edward, you are so —so good.” And there they sat until the soft arms of night—that quiet, dusky nurse of the world—had folded them from sight, pondering, planning, thinking—she of the diamond ring, and he —poor miserable fellow—of how on earth he was to get it.—A. C. Winkelman, Whirinaki, Hokianga. ® ® ® A certain Mr Irwin had erected a sawmill. Not long ago an old German walked into • the mill and watched the progress of the big circular saw with much interest. Its rapid motion fascinated him and stepping up he ap-

plied the index finger of his right handl to the ill-defined periphery, when, much to his surprise, the finger disappeared at the second joint. Very placidly he bound up the stump. Just then Mr Irwin entered, and the victim of misplaced confidence accosted hiiu thus: “Mr Irwin, I comes to see your mills. I never comes pefore. 1 dakes mine finger like dis (putting the index finger of his left hand to the saw) to feel him, and -—mein Gott!” The unlucky German, in explaining his first mishap, had touched the saw with his left forefinger, which dropped off near the knuckle. Turning to the proprietor in almost speechless amazement he finally stammered out: “Mr Irwin, I comes to see your mills. I hnf not see him pefore; and if I do not go avay at once it is certain 1 vill haf nodings left vith vitch to come and see him again.” ® ® ® RATHER MIXED.

A sergeant was once drilling a squad of militiamen. One of them, a country bumpkin, did not know his right hand from his left. The sergeant proceeded to teach him. And, after holding them out several times, he seemed to have some idea of which was which. “Now,” said his instructor, “hold them in front of you and twist them round quickly one over the other. Stop! Now, which Is the right and left?” After staring at them a moment he looked up, with a puzzled expression on his face, and said, “I’m blowed if I know now—l’ve gone and mixed ’em.” ® ® ®

Judge Toler, afterwards Lord Norbury, whose serenity was at one time proverbial, was at a public dinner with Curran, the celebrated Irish barrister. Toler, observing Curran carving a piece of corned beef, told him “If it was hung beef he would try it.” “If you try it, my lord, replied Curran, “I am quite sure it will be hung.” ® ® ® The province of Schleswig-Holstein is, as is well-known, noted for its superior breed of cattle, and the peasantry are not only very thrifty, but exceedingly fond of their cows, as may be gathered from the following characteristic story: — Farmer Jan was walking sadly down the road- one day, when the village pastor met him. “Why so sad, Farmer Jan?” asked the pastor. “Ah, I have a very sad errand, pastor,” replied Jan. “What is it?” “Farmer Henrik’s cow is dead in my pasture, and I am on my way to tell him.” “A hard task, Jan.” “Indeed it is, pastor. But I shall break it to him gently.” “How will you, do that?” “I shall tell him that it his mother who is dead, and then having opened the way for sadder news still, I shall tell him that it is not his mother, but the cow.” ® ® ® As the Hon. R. J. Seddon was driving along the road to a Taranaki township, on his recent tour, he met a boy, who was dragging a calf very much against its will. The boy stopped and stared at the Premier. “Do you know who I am?” queried the great man. “Yes; you are Mr Seddon.” “Then why don’t you take off your hat?” “So I will, sir,” replied the ingenuous youth, “if you will hold the calf.” ® ® ® Little Johnny was very naughty one afternoon, and his mamma whipped him. Johnny was very much offended with her for this mode of procedure, and treated her with the strictest silence for the remainder of the day, eating his supper without deigning to notice her in any way. When his bedtime came she called him in and undressed him for bed, he still maintaining much dignity. He knelt down as was his custom to say his “Now I lay me down to sleep,” and after asking God to belss his papa, grandpa, grandma, aunt, and the servant girl, he turned to his mother, and said with emphasis, “You, ain’t in it.” ® ® ® The following is an extract taken from a letter written by a young girl: —"The other day the Curate drove up in his donkey-cart, and mother said: ‘Oh, what a nice tandem!’ I think she meant to say ‘turn out’; but papa said it was the neatest thlhg he had heard for a long time. But I am sure she does not know even now why it should be so funny.”