The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXII, Issue XXII, 3 June 1899, Page 786

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

AVOID HIM. There stalks a pestilence abroad I dodge with nimble pace; Whene'er it hails me from afar 1 vanish into space. ’Tis not a fever, nor a cold, Whose presence 1 refuse; ’Tis just a man 1 know of old Who always has the blues. If I could cheer him on his way, Or ease his heavy load, 1 would not fly him, I would stay And help him down the road. But no, he "revels in his gloom— He woos his dismal state; If woes are small he makes them 100m — He gloats when they are great. He counts it wicked e’er to jest, "Tis sinful to amuse; And so J shun him like a pest— The man who has the blues. A TEMPTING OFFER. Cholly: ‘lf you will give me your daughter, I shall be glad to have my mother-in-law visit us at any time and stay as long as she wants to.’ Mr Surething: ‘Promise to keep her there, someway, as long as I want you to, and I guess we can arrange things.’ A SERIOUS OBSTACLE. The Rev. Mr Goodley: ‘And do you love you neighbour as yourself?’ Mrs Seroggs: ‘Well, I can’t say that I do, but I’d be willing to try if she’d return that last pound of coffee she borrowed from us.’ A RTI STIC FURN I TURE. ‘I understand that your friend is fitting up his room in strictly artistic manner.’ ‘I guess it must be so,’ replied the heavy young man. ‘Every time 1 sit on a piece of furniture it goes to pieces.’ A REASONABLE REQUEST. ‘Miss Millie, I insist upon an answer. I will not be put off any longer.’ ‘.Mr Noggins. I will be your wife eventually, but not till after I have become engaged to Algernon Vere de V< re and jilted him. So much, at least, is rightfully due to the dreams of my girlhood.’ THE CRUX OF THE MATTER. ‘You are now’ one,’ said the minister to the happy pair he had just tied together with a knot they never could undo. ‘Which one?’ asked the bride. ‘Excuse me. You have to settle that for yourselves,’ said the clergyman.

GOOD THINGS TO GET OFF. Proud Father: ‘That boy of mine gets off so many bright things.’ Visitor (nervously): ‘He does, eh? Would you mind asking him to get off that high hat of mine?’

OUR BURDEN DEFINED. . ‘What is meant by the white man’s burden, papa?' ‘Killing off heathen in order to reclaim them.’ AN A VINE HABIT. ‘Would I were a bird,’ warbled the much divorced lady. ‘1 can see no reason for her having such a wish,’ commented her friend, ‘she is in the habit of marrying every spring, anyway.’ A NEW EDITION. ‘Father,’ said George Washington, ‘I observe that, you are going to the circus with me. Why is this?’ ‘I cannot tell a lie, my' son,’ said the father. ‘l’m going because T like to go.’ It is only captiously that one may doubt this anecdote, for. after all, one has to confess that there is much in heredity.

DIFFICULT TO SAY. The Professor: ‘Do you know, Miss Fairleigh, it costs me £2,000 a year to live.’ Miss Fairleigh: ‘Really! Do you think it’s worth it?’ A STAGE DEATH. First actor (pulling the trigger of a revolver six times): ‘Die, you miserable villain,’ Second actor: ‘Your pistol has missed fire, Sir Rudolph; but I am smitten with remorse for many crimes, and will die, occording to your wish.’ Then he rolled on the stage in agony, while the curtain slowly descended, amid the cheers and laughter of the audience. THE TRIALS OF A GOOD YOUNG MAN. Nice Young Man (lecturing in a Sunday school): ‘Now, is there any little boy or girl who would like to ask any questions? Well, little boy, I see your hand; you needn’t snap your fingers. What question would you like to ask?’ Small Boy: ‘How much longer is this talkin’ going to last?’ Collapse of lecturer. WISE SILENCE. Edith: ‘Who were those people here this afternoon, mamma?’ Mamma: ‘Professor Bighead and his wife. dear. The professor is one of the best informed men in the city.’ ‘How do you know he is? He never opened his mouth once?’ HUSH THEE. ‘Shape thy silence to my wit.’ — Twelfth Night. Tootsie waxeth sentimental (unusual with that winsome maiden): ‘I like not the busy, bustling, brawling world of town; give me a leafy lane, a breathing sighlence!’ She must be in love. Is Lord Bob—really ?

CHEAP AT THE PRICE. ‘lt came.’ ‘What came?’ ‘The gown.’ ‘What gown?’ ‘My gown.’ ‘Your gown! This is the first I knew of it.’ ‘Why, Jack! How can you? Don’t you remember?’ ‘No. Nor you!’ ‘lt was two weeks ago, at dinner. I said 1 must have another gown, mid you said all right.’ Won said you must have another gown, and I said all right. Ha! I’m a good thing.’ ‘But you did.’ ‘While you were speaking of gowns, why didn’t you mention a diamond cluster, a pair of cobs, or a yacht, and listen while 1 said all right?’ ‘Now, Jack!’ ‘How much was it?’ ‘That’s all you think about—money. You know if I didn’t dress well you —’ ‘Yes, I know. I’d neglect you. I‘ve heard that before. How much was it?’ ‘Guess.’ ‘Fifty.’ ‘How absurd! As if I would do such a thing!’ ‘Then twenty-five.’ ‘Now, Jack, you know I couldn’t get a gown like this for any such price.’ ‘How much?’ ‘lt was —let me show it to you. Here it is. Isn’t it lovely!’ ‘Yes. How much did you say?’ ‘Oh, you really don’t want to know.’ ‘Don’t- I? Come, now. my dear, tell me at once how much that gown cost. I won’t have any more nonsense.’ ‘Well, dear, it was just forty-five—-with trimmings.’ A RARE LIKENESS. ‘What do you think of this portrait of me. my dear?’ asked Witherup. ‘Ttis very smiling and pleasant,’ said Mrs Witherup. Then she added, wistfully, ‘1 wish you’d look like it once in a while, John.’ A COLOSSAL LEGACY. A young parvenu was boasting that when his uncle died he left £lOO,OOO behind him. This boast was promptly trumped by Mr Naggs, who said: ‘That’s nothing. When my uncle died he left the whole earth behind him.’ A SURE SIGN. Fanny: ‘I think it will interest her to hear of Jack.’ Amy: ‘Decidedly! I’ve heard her say that she never wanted his name mentioned in her presence again.’ A HERO IN HIS WAY. Brown: ‘Jones has a great deal of moral courage.’ Jenkins: ‘Has he?’ Brown: ‘Yes. The other night his wife thought there was a burglar in the house, and Jones owned up that he would rather not meet that burglar.’ SELFISH THING. Overheard in Railway Carriage. Elderly Husband (who is facing engine): Is that a comfortable seat, my dear? Delicate Looking Wife: Yes, dear, thank you. Elderly Husband: Sure you don’t feel any draught there? Delicate Looking Wife: Quite sure, thank you. Elderly Husband: Is there room for your feet underneath? Delicate Looking Wife: Oh, yes, thanks. Elderly Husband: Then I’ll change with you, for I don’t like this seat at all. A RECOLLECTION. Conductor: ‘Fare, please, sir.’ Mr Holdtight: ‘You have had it once.’ Conductor: *1 don’t recollect it.’ Mr Holdtight: ‘And you won’t recollect it, either.’

THE NORTH SIDE BOARDER. ‘We have chicken at our house every Sunday.’ The South Side Boarder: ‘You ain’t in it. We have had chicken at our house every day for a week.’ ‘Same chicken?’ ‘Er—yes.'

A WOMAN’S REASON. ‘Fred Bevan has been divorced, hasn’t he?’ ‘Yes, but how did you guess it? It happened in America and was kept very quiet.’ ‘O, I supposed so, as he seems so jolly again.’ FATAL FAT. Everybody is aware that the Hon. Billy’s dimensions are increasing daily. Yesterday he went into the tailor’s to be measured for a waistcoat. The tailor only measured half way round, and then gave it up. ‘Hullo!’ says Billy, ‘ain’t you going to make the waistcoat meet?’ ‘Not for five and six, your honour’’ THE TASKS OF LOVE. ‘Set for me,’ he implored, ‘in order that I may prove my love, the task thou deemest the most difficult of accomplishment.’ ‘Raise whiskers,’ she promptly but earnestly replied. ‘YOUR ’AT, SIR!’ He picked his chapeau off the table where it had lain all night and put it down again hastily, with the remark, ‘My dear, my hat has got a dent in it.’ ‘What a fuss,’ said his spouse, ‘to make about— ’ (then she put her hand into the hat, withdrew it shrieking, and jumped on a chair) —‘Oh! oh! there’s a rat in it!’ ‘That’s the dent I mean—a ro-dent.’ And she did not speak to him for nearly a week. TIME IS MONEY. She: ‘l’m highly flattered by your proposal, I’m sure, but I should like twenty-four hours to think it over.’ He: ‘Yes. but I told the man I hired this eoat and hat of that I’d return them to-night!’ DISGUSTED. ‘What makes you think you were defeated by fraud?’ ‘I paid for 163 votes in the East Ward, and the books show that I got a total of only 155 there. Our election system is simply rotten.’ ‘ALL HOLLER.’ ‘That’s a fine baby of yours. Middleton,’ said a friend who was admiring the first baby.’ ‘Do you think he’s solid?’ asked Middleton. rather disconsolately. ‘lt seems to me as if he were all holler.’