The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXII, Issue XVII, 29 April 1899, Page 586

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

WHEN PA COMES HOME. My pa don’t come home ev’ry day To lunch with ma an’ me; He’s jes an awful busy man, An’ so he can’t, you see. He says if he has time he ‘jest Steps out an’ gets a bite,’ Or else he ‘goes without a thing’ Till he comes home at night! But when the front gate goes slam bang Then Towse he pricks his ears, An’ runs an’ hides, an’ ev’ryone Is all put out, it ’pears; An’ ma, she shrieks, ‘Oh, sakes alive! Things come all in a bunch! Run, Ted, tell Kate to fry some eggs; Your pa’s come home to lunch!’ And then there’s such a goin’ on! An’ pa says with a frown, ‘lf this is all you’ve got for lunch, I’d better stayed down town!’ An’ ma, she says, ‘Ted, leave the room, You sit an’ crunch an’ crunch! Why can’t you be a good boy when Your pa comes home to lunch?’ An’ pa he’s awful gruff an’ cross. And ma she’s crosser yet, An’ Kate she’s Grossest of’m all, An’ tells me what I’ll get If I don’t stop a-amakin’ noise, Or get out of her way; An’ say, I’m awful glad my pa Don’t come home ev’ry day! THE OBDURATE SAVAGE. We didn’t want to hurt you,; It was our sole intent To generously convert you With hymn and Testament; To stop the foolish capers Which with such pain we note, To make you read the papers And teach you how to vote. Your powers we meant to rally, Until our plane you’d reach, And learn to like the ballet And the after dinner speech. We’re benevolently pressing Towards the hopes we long have nursed; Though we find—and it’s distressing— That we’ll have to thrash you first. OVERAWING THE LAITY. ‘Say, you will never make a living out of the faith cure business if you insist on charging more than the common doctors.’ ‘That is just the way I shall make a living. People will think it must be a good thing.’

Mrs Younglove: ‘These women who write about “How Husbands Should be Managed’—do you suppose they manage their husbands any better than we do?’

Mrs Elders: ‘Do I—? Why, pshaw, chihl. don’t you know they haven’t any husbands?’

IN A BALCONY. She: If capital punishment must lie, I certainly favour electricity. He: Oh! That is to say, you prefer currents to raisin’s. ALL RIGHT. ‘They may say what they like against him,’ said the defender of the man who was in gaol for beating his wife, ‘but his heart is in the right place.’ ‘Yes,’ assented the other, ‘and so is the rest of him for a few years.’

HIS SUSPICION. Riding Master: I’m afraid, sir, I must ask you to pay in advance for the hire of the horse. Amateur Rider: What's that for? Are you afraid that I shall come back without the horse? Riding Master: Oh, no; but the horse might come back without you. BITTER SARCASM. ‘lf I say,’ said the teacher, ‘“the pupil loves his teacher,” what sort of a sentence is that?’ ‘Sarcasm.' said the boy.

THE HAPPIER. The Jewish ‘World’ gives the following little discussion: ‘Who is happier, a man who has £lOO,OOO, or one who has seven daughters?’ Rabbi: ‘The latter.’ ‘Why?’ Rabbi: ‘The man with £ 100,000 wants more, the other doesn’t.’ THE TWO CLASSES. Society is composed of two great classes—those who have more dinner than appetite, and those who have more appetite than dinner.

KNEW WHAT HE WANTED. She: ‘They say that persons of opposite qualities make the happiest marriages.’ He: ‘That’s why I'm looking for a girl with money.’ WHERE DID HE COME IN? ‘l'm in favour,’ said Wilkins, as he laid the morning paper down, ‘of a society for the prevention of cruelty to dumb brutes.’ ‘Why, dear,’ said Mrs Wilkins, ‘I haven’t said a cross word to you in three davs.’

AT THE TELEPHONE. Casey: Who does yiz want to see? Grogan: Dunnohue. Casey: Who did yiz say? Grogan: Dunnohue—Dunnohue. Casey: Well, if you dunno who, how the devil do I know who?

He: ‘You haven’t any idea how exhilarating it is to dance with the one you love best in all the world!’ She: ‘Dear me! How funny you must look dancing all by yourself!’

A NEW OFFENCE. ‘Th’ post office eop pulled in Billie Hickey yesterday.’ ‘What fer?’ ‘Fer mailin’ a soiled envelope.’ ‘ls dat a crime?’ ‘Well, de cop said it wuz blackmail.’ SO DELICATE. She: If I were a man I never would care to marry. He: If you were a man I never would want to marry, either. SHE DREADED MONOTONY. Bertie: She twilled with Cholly’s affections, bah Jove! and then threw him over for old Gotrox. Reggie: Why, Cholly has plenty of money, and he’s much younger. Bertie: Yes, she told Cholly he would last longer than Gotrox. EXCUSABLE. Mrs West: I suppose you have heard that our neighbour, Mrs Tingle, caught her husband kissing their cook yesterday. Mrs East: Yes, but who can blame him. It’s probably the first time he ever had any one in the house that knew how to cook. THE LADY SPEAKS. Take up the white man’s burden, And put your own away; ’Tis only right that woman Should run affairs to-day; We want to sit in Parliament We’re bound to be supreme In everything that’s going. And that’s no idle dream. Take up the white man’s burden, And drive him from the scene; He’s growing pale and puny, And ‘parts his hair between;’ Come on, O sturdy sisters, Let’s show slow-going man How we would run the Nation On the bargain-counter plan. USUALLY. The Optimist: Now, as to woman, generally speaking The Disagreeable Man: Yes, she’s generally speaking. THE FIRST STEP. ‘Well.’ announced Mr Perkasie to his wife, ‘John and Mary have taken the first step toward divorce.’ ‘You don’t mean to tell me! What on earth is the matter?’ ‘They have got married.’ NOT TN THE PROGRAMME. ‘What was this row about?’ said the policeman. ‘lt all came about.’ the father-in-law explained, ‘by some of those boys throwing shoes at the bride.’ ‘Well,’ said the policeman, ‘that’s customary.’ ‘Yes; but not horse-shoes.’ BOUND TO BE IN. Caller: ‘ls Mrs Brownston at home?’ Servant: ‘Yes’m. She'll be at home all the evening. It’s my night out.’