The GRAPHIC'S Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXI, Issue XVIII, 29 October 1898, Page 580

The GRAPHIC'S Funny Leaf

WILLING. Magistrate (to the accused): ‘lt appears that you gave the plaintiff a black eye?’ Prisoner: ‘Yes, your worship, but I’m quite prepared to give him half-a-sovereign as compensation.’ Magistrate (to plaintiff): ‘You hear what the defendant says. Are you willing to accept the half-sovereign?’ Plaintiff (eagerly): ‘Rather.’ (To the defendant): ‘Come outside, old chap, and black the other eye.’ OTHERS WOULD KNOW. Villager (with dignity): ‘No, sir; this is a prohibition town, and I don’t know where you could get liquor.’ Stranger: ‘Don’t you? You must be a Prohibitionist.’ CHOICE TOPICS. Mrs Gotham: ‘I don’t see how you can endure a little place like Lawnville. Nothing to see, nothing to hear, nothing to talk about.’ ‘Rural Guest: ‘Land sakes! Why' our own church has changed ministers three times within a year, and the other church is having a row with theirs.’ IF SHE INTERFERES. It is said that by tying sandpaper around her ankles a girl can produce the same effect as by' buying an expensive silk skirt. The pieces of sandpaper rub together and sound like a £2 10/ skirt. OBJECTION. Ned: ‘lf y r ou want to marry' an heiress why don’t you propose to Miss Elderly? She’s rich.’ Ted: ‘Yes; but I object to her past.’ Ned: ‘Why, I thought that was above reproach.’ Ted: ‘lt is; but there’s so much of NOT HER FAULT. ‘Mistress: ‘There’s the dust on the piano, Marie, of at least six weeks.’ Maid: ‘But, madam, that’s the fault of the girl that worked here before me! I’ve only been in the house three weeks!’ PAINFULLY NEAT. ‘They' tell me your wife is a particularly tine nousekeeper.’ ‘Excruciatingly so. I’ve seen that woman sprinkle the clock with insect powder to get rid of the ticks.’

WHAT’S VEAL. ‘ What’s veal, Benny?’ ‘ Oh, it’s the part of the cow we eat before she grows up.’ POSITION. ‘She goes in good society?’ ‘O, dear, yes. She’s divorced out of some of our best families.’

WOMAN’S WAY. The Youthful One: ‘I wonder why women so like to kiss a baby.’ The Elderly One: ‘Because the baby doesn’t like it.’ HARD TO KILL. Mack: ‘Dr. Duer says Higbee’s case is the most stubborn he ever treated.’ Wyld: ‘Well, you know Higbee comes of a long-lived family.’ WANTED TO KNOW. Mrs McLubberty: 'Murty, dhe docther says av yez wull hov alcoholic stimmylints, ye should take ’em only wid yure meals.’ McLubberty (ailing and grouchy): ‘Begorra! how can a mou be aitin’ ahi dhe toime?’ HE’D BE BROKE. ‘Wanted, a young man to be partly out of doors and partly inside an hotel,’ reads a late advertisement in a bush paper of Australia. A correspondent feels compelled to ask what would happen when the door was shut. A CLEVER DODGE. At a social gathering Smith sat at the piano and drummed carelessly on the keys. McGinnis came to him and whispered, ‘ Why do you sit at the piano? You don’t know how to play.’ ‘ I know it, but as long as I sit here the others can’t play either.’ STILL MORE SURPRISING. Browne: ‘How surprised we should be if we could see ourselves as others see us!’ Towne: ‘Yes; but think how surprised the others would be if they could see us as we see ourselves.’ A DOUBLE TRAGEDY. Husband (at the opera): ‘See how pale Mrs Up well is! I never saw her so affected by tragedy before.’ Wife (sagaciously): ‘lt isn’t that; her back hair is coming down.’ A FRIEND OF MANKIND. ‘A man who will leave his property to his wife only on condition of her not marrying- again,’ said the sweet young thing, ‘is as mean as he can be.’ ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the savage bachelor. ‘Perhaps he is a friend to mankind.’ ALAS THESE JOKES! She: ‘Would you love me just the same if I hadn’t a cent?’ He (absently) : I would love you more. I abhor this new-mown hay perfume.’ THE NEW MEASURE. Mrs Tenspot: ‘I am so glad you are engaged to Harold Willoughby. Was it a long courtship?’ Miss Skidmore: ‘Not very. My cyclometer registered about 700 miles.’ THE MODERN WAY. He: ‘That is the last time I will ever ask you to marry me.’ She: ‘Do you swear it, Rudolph?’ He: ‘I swear it by all I hold sacred.’ She: ‘Then I accept.’ HE COULD BE TRUSTED. Poetess: ‘The poem I sent you, Mr Editor, contains the deepest secrets of my soul.’ Editor: ‘I know it, madam, and no one shall ever find them out through me.’ HER MONEY’S WORTH. Some time ago the clerk at a certain telegraph office received a telegram, which read: ‘Miss , will you be mine?’ ‘lt was delivered to the proper person, and soon the lady herself came tripping into the office to wire her reply. It read: ‘Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.—Ethel. Ten words, you see, and she paid her sixpence, and then tripped out again with the sweetest kind of a blush.

A TANGLED WEB. Tommy: ‘Pa, why are single women called spinsters?’ Pa: ‘I expect it’s because they are always spinning a web to catch a man.’ NOT LIKELY. She: After we are married we must economise. I shall bake my own bread. He: Very well, darling, if you really want to do it I won’t object, but you shan’t bother your little head about baking mine. WHEN HE LEARNS WHAT HE’S ESCAPED. ‘The only way for a man to learn all about women is to get married.’ ‘And study the ways of his wife, eh?’ ‘No. Listen to what she tells him about the other women.’ REDUCED. ‘Great Scott!’ exclaimed the visitor at the show, stepping up to the Smallest Human Being on Earth and engaging him in conversation. ‘You must be mighty near three feet high. The painted sign on the outside says you measure only twenty-two inches. ‘Yes,’ answered the Smallest Human Being on Earth, ‘I was marked down eleven inches on account of the hard times.’ And he resumed his march up and down the platform.

HOW SHE KNEW. ‘ My wife doesn’t play chess, but see can always tell when a game is growing interesting.’ ‘How ? ’ ‘ Well, she says the more worried I look the more I’m enjoying it.’

A CONSIDERATE DEMAND. ‘Did the old skinflint give you a reward for returning his pocketbook?’ asked the policeman of the little news boy who helps support his mother. ‘Naw; he tried ter make me pay for de advertisin’ ’cause I didn’t return de stuff ’fore I knowed who it b’longed to.’ WHAT HE DID. Magistrate (to witness): I understand you overheard the quarrel between the defendant and his wife? Witness: Yes, sir. Magistrate: Tell the court, if you can, what he seemed to be doing. Witness: He was doing the listening. NO MISTAKE. ‘How came you to, suspect the prisoner to be a man in woman’s clothing?’ inquired the magistrate. ‘I don’t suspect,’ answered the detective.’ ‘As soon as I saw her trying to lift her bonnet after she had met and passed another woman in the street I simply knew she was a man.’ CAUTIOUS. ‘Alfred,’ she exclaimed, ‘how’ do you like my new hat?’ ‘Well,’ he replied very slowly, in order to gain time, ‘I dunno. How much is it going to cost?’

SHE COULD AFFORD IT. ' ‘Has your daughter made her debut yet, Mrs Green?’ ‘I don’t think she has. She ain’t obliged to make her own things, you know. We can afford to buy the best,’ A CHILD’S EXTREMITY. A recent speaker at a teacher’s meeting, if a newspaper report of the proceedings is to be believed, enthusiastically assured his hearers that ‘a child’s extremity is the teacher’s opportunity.’ HE KNEW THE SEX. ‘Young man,’ said the magistrate, severely, ‘the evidence is conclusive against you. You tried to kiss the plaintiff against her will. Have you anything to say before sentence is passed upon you?’ ‘Only this, judge,’ replied the young man, who was about as handsome a specimen as you could find in a day’s journey, ‘only this, judge, that I am exceedingly sorry I did not succeed. When I look upon the beautiful face and the rosy-red lips of the plaintiff I feel that if I had succeeded in kissing her I would have paid the fine with the greatest cheerfulness.’ ‘Judge,’ faltered the fair plaintiff, ‘if you don’t mind, I should like to withdraw the charge.’ HER GOLDEN WEDDING. She: So Mr Sapper has just celebrated his golden wedding. He: Golden wedding? Why, he’s only just got married. She: Yes, but the girl has £ 100,000. THE MAGICIAN TIME. Mother: ‘What is the matter, Clara? You look distressed.’ Clara (a bride): ‘George has—he had to go off on a—a trip, and he won’t be back for—for two days—boo-hoo!’ Same mother (some years later): ‘How long will your husband be away?’ Same Clara: ‘I forgot to ask.’

A COUNTRY COURTSHIP. John (sheepishly): I—l s’pose you’ll be gittin’ married some time?’ Betty (with a frightened air): ‘Oh, I dare say I shall some time.’ ‘I dare say I’ll git married too.’*Oh,’ ‘P’raps we might both git married at the. same time.’ ‘Wouldn’t it be awful, John, if the parson should make a mistake and marry us to each other?’ I—l shouldn’t mind.’ ‘No, neither should I, to tell you the truth, John.’ TOO MUCH FOR HIM. Recently a journalist who wished to interview an officer at the barracks found that his man was in bed and sleeping soundly. ‘ls there no way of getting at him?’ he asked.’ ‘No, replied the humorous sentinel; ‘he’s now a retired officer.’ ‘Smart, ain’t you?’ said the newspaper man. ‘No,’ replied the sentinel, ‘Smart’s on the retired list, too. I’m Brown.’ A WORM WILL TURN. Little Vixen: Let’s see, you’ve given up smoking and swearing and billiards. Now, what else is there you could give up? He: ‘Nothing, dear, unless I give up you.’ DEATH PREFERABLE. Soiled Sammy (recovering consciousness after a sunstroke): ‘O, Thirsty, Thirsty, yer didn’t let ’em t’row water in me face, did yer?’