The GRAPHIC'S Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXI, Issue XVII, 22 October 1898, Page 548

The GRAPHIC'S Funny Leaf

A MODEL MAID. Iler features are perfect; Her eyes—how they shine! Her cheeks are like lilies And roses—divine! Her form it is Hawless, As far as it goes; And it’s always arayed In most beautiful clothes. Rut, alas! There's a truth That must go with these facts: In a milliner’s window She’s nothing but wax. HE REMEMBERED. He rose to depart as the clock sounded eight, And. geting his hat and cane. His wife sweetly murmured: ‘Now, don’t stay late. Dear Charlie, ‘Remember the Maine!’ With the somewhat startling injunction in view. He was back home at ten with his pet, For should he stay later he very well knew What a great blowing up he would get. HARDLY WORTH WHILE. Doctor: You must give up drinking and— Mr Sickly: I never touch a drop. Doctor: And stop smoking. Mr Sickly: I don’t smoke. Doctor: Humph! that’s bad; if you haven't anything to give up. I’m afraid I can't do much for you. ON THE RIALTO. Socke: ’I hear that the new star has poor support.' Buskin: ‘Yes; his wife won’t work.* HIS FIRST SCORE. Magistrate: You have been convicted before? Prisoner: No, sir. Magistrate: Then you are going to be. (Proceeds to adjust his spectacles.) QUESTION! ‘lf I were to die you would never get another wife like me.’ He: ‘What makes you think I’d ever want another like you?’

Inquiring Person: What time did the hotel catch tire? Fireman: Midnight. Inquiring Person: Everybody get out safe? Fireman; All except the night watchman. They couldn’t wake him up in time.

NOT AN INNOCENT. ‘Ma, dear, what’s an innocent?’ ‘A person who knows nothing evil, Johnnie.’ ‘Then pa thinks you’re an awful good woman, ’cause I heard him tell the new housemaid you are an innocent. Are you an awful good woman, ma?’ ‘No,’ said ma sharply, and the way she gave that new housemaid notice to leave had something of the sinner in it. A STRIKING RESEMBLANCE. ‘Excuse me, but it seems to me that I must have met you before. Are you not a brother or a near relative of Major Gibbs?’ ‘No, I am Major Gibbs himself.’ ‘Ah, indeed; that explains the remarkable resemblance.’

Madeline : ‘ How did the manager like your new play of Chinese life?’ Playwright: ‘lt was so realistic that he fell asleep in the opium joint scene.’ A WINNING WAY. Algy: Well, old boy, I’ve just touched Reggie for another tenner. Chappie: What! and got it? How on earth do you do it? Algy: Oh, it’s very easy. I just casually mentioned his resemblance to the Prince of Wales. INSULT TO INJURY. ‘Spain is noted for her wines. It’s pretty near time.’ says the Manayunk philosopher, ‘for a final consignment of her whines to be sent to the Powers.’ A BRILLIANT CAREER FOR HER. ‘I hear that Bagley’s wife is going on the stage.’ ‘Why, I never knew that she could act!’ ‘She can’t; but an Eastern magazine has published her picture and written her up as being one of the most beautiful women in this town.’ A LIQUID VOICE. ‘Your wife has such a liquid voice,’ said Mr Fosdick to Mr Tiff. ‘Yes, that’s a pretty good name for it,’ replied Mr T. Mr Fosdick looked up inquiringly, and Mr T. added—‘lt never dries up, you know.’ WHAT SHE WANTED TO KNOW. Mrs De Smythe: ‘Tommy, do you want some nice peach jam?’ Tommy: ‘Yes, mother.’ ‘I was going to give you some to put on your bread, but I’ve lost the key of the pantry.’ ‘You don’t need the key, mother. I can reach down through the window and open the door from the inside.’ ‘That’s just what I wanted to know. Now just wait until your father comes home.’ THE LAST RESORT. Wife: Can’t you get them to double your salary while I am away this summer? Tell them it wall only be for a few weeks. Husband: lam afraid not. Why, they would laugh at me! Wife (proudly): Well, there’s one thing you can do—you can resign your position.

UNPLEASANTLY SUGGESTIVE. ‘Mrs Gabbler made a dreadful faux pas when she met Admiral Cervera.’ ‘What was it?’ ‘She asked him if he had ever read “Ships That Pass in the Night.” ’ THE DEAREST SPOT. ‘After all,’ remarked the sentimental wife, ‘home is the dearest spot on earth.’ ‘That’s what,’ cried the practical head of the family, as he finished auditing last month’s grocery bill. DISPROVED. ‘What nonsense!’ exclaimed the proud young father, as he flung- the book aside. ‘To what do you refer?’ asked the friend who welcomed any topic that did not lead to a description of phenomenal children. ‘This statement that all men are born equal. It’s an utter fallacy. Why, my baby weighed ten pounds when it was born, and Tackley’s weighed only seven and a-half.’ NOTHING TO HIM. A boy w'as taking his father’s breakfast in a breakfast can, when another boy came up to him and gave the can a kick. ‘Do you care about me kicking the can?’ said the new-comer. ‘No, I don’t,’ replied the other boy. ‘Do you now?’ said the former, giving the can another kick. ‘No, I don’t,’ answered the latter. ‘Do you now?’ cried the infuriated bully, giving the can such a kick that it knocked the bottom out. ‘No, I don’t,’ again replied the boy with the can; ‘my mother borrowed it from your mother this morning, and you’ll know all about it when ye gets home.’

‘ I don’t know a more unhappy marriage than the Jeremys. You see, each thought the other I ad money ; and neither of them had.’ ‘Well, there should be at least one bond of sympathy between them.’ ‘ What is that?’ ‘ That they are companions in misfortune.’ BETWEEN THE BOARDS. ‘What a fine erect carriage Colonel Banager has.’ ‘Yes. I’m told he was an advertising sandwich man in his early youth.’ A QUESTIONABLE KINDNESS. Spokesman (making presentation to vicar): "Mr Apsley, the principal donation of the evenin’ hasn't arrived, owing to some delay on the railway. It's a piano for the vicarage.’ The Vicar (delighted): ‘A piano!’ Spokesman: ‘Yes. an’ it’s a good one, too. We beg that you will receive it as an expression of our regard; and we only ask that, as a good many of the subscribers haven’t pianos of their own, you will allow their darters to use the vicarage piano to practise on.’ THE LOVE THAT LASTS FOR AYE. Intimate Friend: ‘Has your husband’s love grown cool?’ Sarcastic wife: ‘Oh, no. He loves himself just as much now as he did when we were married twenty years ago.’

THE MAIN POINT. Elocutionist (beginning to recite Longfellow’s famous poem): ‘Listen, mv children, and you shall hear of the midnight ride of Paul Revere-—’ Impatient Auditor: ‘What kind ot bicycle did he use?’

‘ So glad to meet you, my dear fellow !' I’ve left my purse at home ami want £2.’ ‘ What do you want £2 for ? Here’sthree pence so you can take the ear and go back after your purse.’ A.B.C. D.E.F. A gentleman travelling inside a coach was endeavouring, with considerable earnestness to impress some argument upon a fellow - passenger who who was seated opposite to him, and appeared rather dull of apprehension. At length, being slightly irritated, he exclaimed in a louder tone, ‘Why it’s as plain as A, B, C, sir.’ ‘That may be,’ quietly replied the other, ‘but I am D, E, F.’ POOR LADIES. This notice was posted in a pleasure boat belonging to a certain steamshipcompany: ‘The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are requested not to make use of them till the ladies are seated.’ A USELESS BOOK. Uncle David thinks that a dictionary is the most useless book ever printed. He says that you can’t find out to spell a word unless you know how to spell it in the first place. This remark was made after an hour’s searchamong the k’s for the word ‘Kwiet.’ CHARITY BEGINS ABROAD. Aunt, to her ragged nephew: ‘Why, Robert, I never saw you look so dilapidated before. Is your mother sick?’ Robert: No; ma joined a ladies’ aid society' last month, and she has been sewing for the heathen ever since.’ A HEAVENLY VOICE. ‘So he praised my' singing, did he?’ Yes, he said it was heavenly.’ ‘Did he really' say that?’ ‘Well, not exactly', but he probably' meant that. He said it was unearthly.’ A POPULAR OPINION. A lad on a rainy day started to while away the weary' hours by reading the ‘Encyclopaedia Britannica’ through. ‘Well, my son,’ said his 'father, ‘how do you like it?’ ‘Pretty good,’ was the answer; ‘Algebra’s slow, but Alligators is first rate.’ ALAS, PAPA! ‘So you have got a stepmother,’ she said to the little girl of nine. ‘Yes.’ ‘Well, I feel sorry for you.’ ‘Oh, you needn’t do that,’ replied the little one. ‘Please feel sorry for pa.’ ADDICTED TO SOBRIETY’. Advertiser: Of course this is a post of some responsibility, and before engaging you, may I ask if you are a sober man? Applicant: Oh, dear, yes, sorr, often. THE REASON WHY. Mrs Brawn: What a curious man Mr Skowler is. He never takes the least notice of children. He actually seems to dislike them. Mr Brown: Yes, Skowler is the man who takes babies’ pictures at Smiler's studio. It is his business, you know, to make the little ones look pleasant. TAKES CARE OF IT. She: Your wife has very' nice hair. She must take very good care of it. He: She does. She locks it up every night.