The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXI, Issue XIII, 24 September 1898, Page 330

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

EXPRESSED. A young man addicted to freight His Juliet's front garden geiglit With his slender physique Got caught at the friqiie By the yeomen who bossed the esteight. Ami when he forthwith bade adieu To the same, he so speed fully Hieu, There was hardly a doubt But he’<l l>een bred oubt On the prow of a double soled shieu. A HOME TRUTH. The sermon of the l>est preacher in the world will not make as much impression upon a congregation as the sudden pattering of rain on the window panes of a church containing two hundred summer bonnets. A REASONABLE REQUEST. Prisoner at the bar (to magistrate) : ‘ Your Worship, would you mind Lurrying up my case a little? It’s almost 12 o’clock, ami if I've got to go to gaol, I’d like to get there in time for dinner.’ HE DREW THE LINE THERE. ‘ The doctor would like to see you inside,’ said the maid to the caller in rhe reception-room. ‘ Not much,’ said the startled patient : ‘ he can’t try any X-ray on me.’ NOT EXEMPT. ‘ Reporters may find it hard to interview the President, but—’ He slightly shifted his position. ‘ I find no trouble in pumping him !’ So saying the mosquito resumed his work. THE PROFESSION OF ARMS. Jessie : ‘ What made you remain such a long time in the conservatory with that young lieutenant ?’ Bessie : ‘ Our conversation turned on war, ami he was showing me how an officer should use his arms.’ HIT. Flunkerly (bragging): ‘Yes, sir; I heard cries for assistance, and, looking down the alley, I perceived a man beating an unfortunate woman over the head.’ Friend (breathlessly): ‘What did you do ?’ Flunkerly : ‘ I ran, sir, as hard as I could ami -’ Friend (interrupting): ‘ Did he catch you '■ o 11J ECTION AB LE FE A TUR ES. ‘ Why don’t you marry the girl it you love her?’ ‘ Well, there are some objectionable features.’ ‘ What are they ?’ ‘ Her mother’s.’

< OM I’Ll MEN 1 ARV. Rural Landlord ‘lf any of your friends in the city are looking for a nice place to board, I ho|»e you’ll send 'em along.’ Departing <hiest : ‘ I don’t know alwuit friends, but I have a few enemies.’

HOW COULD HE BE? ‘ I’ve heard it said lie was a mind-reader,’ sai<l her dearest friend. ‘ It’s not true,’ she replied bitterly. ‘ How do you know ?’ ‘ He has been calling on me twice a week for three months, ami hasn’t yet mustered up the courage to propose. HIS LAST WISHES Affectionate mamma: ‘My dear, I look forward to your married life with anxiety. Your husband that is to be is so exacting, he demands everything.’ Br de (adjusting the orange blossoms) : ‘ Never mind, marmee dear, don't you worry. These are his last wishes.’

ABETTING FATE. Jane: ‘See here. Hubby, why do you always carry a gun when you go out for an evening with the boys? You say a feller ain’t going to die till his time comes !’ Nevada Ned : ‘ Yes. But s’posen I meet a feller, and his time’s come. Then’s when I need a gun !’

A FORTUNE IN IT. The man who invents a machine so that people can drop a penny in the slot and pick out a name for the baby will surely make a fortune. It will take so many pennies to get a name to suit. SECURITIES. Jinks : ‘ Johnson wants to borrow £lO from me. Do you think he is good forthat amount ?’ Binks : ‘ Yes. with proper securities.’ ‘ What securities would you suggest ?’ ‘ A chain ami padlock, a pair of handcuffs, and a dog. That would l>e enough to hold him.’ NOT THAT HE MEANT IT. She: ‘So many men marry for money. You wouldn’t marry me for money, would you, dearest ?’ He (absently) : ‘ No, darling, I wouldn’t marry you for all the money in the world.’ GIVING HIM NO CHANCE. A preacher in a small Scottish kirk once found his congregation going to sleep before he had fairly begun. On seeing this he stopped and exclaimed, ‘ Brethren, it’s no' fair. Wait till I get a start, ami then, if I am no' worth listening to, gang to sleep ; but dinna noil yer pows lie fore I get commenced. Gie a buddy a chance.’ THE BEST TAKE-IN. She : ‘ Would you take me for twenty ?’ He : ‘ No, indeed ’.’ She: ; Then what would you take me for ?’ He : ‘ For l»etter or worse.’ OF THE SAME BREED. Some time ago, in the court of a certain Scottish burgh, a man was charged with the theft of a pig. The worthy bailie, in sentencing the prisoner, remarked that pig-stealing in the burgh had lately been too rife, and finished his peroration thus : — ‘Ami unless I make an example of you, it’s very certain that none of us will Ire safe.’ THE REASON OF IT. Mrs Strongmind : Ami for what are you incarcerated here, my poor man ? Prisoner : I married a new woman. Mrs Strongmind (astonished): Ini|»ossible ! You couldn’t lie put in gaol for that. Prisoner : But I was ! I married a new woman, and the old woman kicked nliout it and put me here for bigamy.

TOO MUCH. ‘ Your guest didn’t stay long?’ ‘ No ; you see, she liegged me to treat her like one of the family. I did, and |now she’s gone.’ EASY ENOUGH. Bounders: My dear fellow, I can’t see how you, with all your poverty, manage to keep out of debt. Hardnp: Simplest thing in the world. I have no credit. A very eminent physician had cured a little child from a dangerous illness. The thankful mother turned her steps towards the house of her son’s saviour. ‘ Doctor,’ she said. ‘ there are some services which cannot lie repaid. I do not know how to express my gratitude. I thought you would perhaps be so kind as to accept this purse, embroidered by my own hands. ‘ Madam, replied the doctor, roughly, ‘ medicine is no trivial affair, and our visits are only to be rewarded in money. Small presents serve to sustain friendship, but they do not sustain our families.’ ‘ But, doctor, said the lady, alarmed and wounded, ‘speak, tell me the fee ’ ‘ Two hundred pounds, madam.’ The lady opens the purse, takes out five banknotes of one hundred pounds each, gives two to the doctor, puts the remaining three back in her purse, bows coldly, and departs. SHOP TALK. ‘ Papa’s mind is full of business all the time.’ • How does that trouble you ?’ ‘ Well, when Harry asked him for me he said: — ‘Yes, take her along, and if she isn’t up to our advertisement bring her baek and exchange her ’ THIS WAS A KANSAS MAN. ‘ How will you have your eggs cooked ?’ asked the waiter. ‘ Make any difference in the cost of ’em ?’ inquired the customer, cautiously. ‘ No.’ ‘ Then cook ’em with a nieesliceo’ ham !’ said the customer, greatly relieved.

DROPPED TOO MUCH. ‘ What a modest, girl she is, George ; whenever you speak she drops her eyes.’ ‘Yes; I wouldn’t mind that so much, but she drops her H’s, too.’

HIS SHARE OF IT. ‘ I suppose you get a lot of honeymoon couples billing ami cooing around here?’ asked the inquisitive stranger of the landlord of our favourite week end seclusion. ‘ Well, ye—es,’ replied the man of experience, ‘ plenty of cooing. I manage the rest. ’ THE TRUE ANARCHIST. A. : What is an anarchist ? B. : An anarchist is one who howls, who has no regard for authority and who incoherently gabbles night and day. A. : Yes ? We have one at our house. B. : What’s his name ? A. : Isn’t named yet. He’s our baby. SEVERAL OBJECTIONS. ‘So you are not going to marry Herr Meissner ?’ ‘ Hardly. Papa is not altogether satisfied with liis |H>sition ; mamma doesn't like bis family ; he doesn’t strike me as quite stylish enough and, liesides, he hasn’t asked me.’

A CLOUDED LIFE.

Mrs Bliffers : • Your old friend has such a sad faee. Why is it ?’ Mr Bliffers : ‘ Years ago he promised to a very Iteautiful girl, ami ’ Mrs Bliffers : ‘ Ami she refused him f Mr Bliffers; ‘No; she married him.’

AWFUL TO CONTEMPLATE. He : ‘ Why that sigh, dearest ?’ She : ‘ I was just thinking, that suppose yon went to war and ’ He (giving her a reassuring squeeze) : ‘ And got killed ?’ She : ‘No ! Not that! Suppose you should go to war and lose liotli your arms ? (Weeps).

A WORLD CONQUEROR. Observer : ‘Do you think that you can ever learn to ride a wheel ?’ Beginner: ‘lndeed I do. After the difficulties I have surmounted in getting one I feel competent to accomplish anything.’ FULL DRESS IN THE PHILIPPINES. Mrs Bromley looked up with a shudder. Her eyes met those of the Professor, her brother. ‘Archibald,’ she said severely, ‘have you seen the pictures in this illustrated paper of the—the costumes of the women of the Philippines!’ ‘No,’ said the Professor, ‘let me see them.’ She drew the paper hastily away. ‘ Certainly not, she cried, ‘ I only wanted to say that they are simply dreadful, and I think—’ ‘ Well, what?’ ‘ That as long as we have people costumed like these dependent upon us for guidance and advice there is altogether too much flannel wasted on soldiers’ bands.’ And she swept from the room, taking the paper with her.

DIDN’T EXPECT TOO MUCH OF HIM. They bail a newspaper man in court in a Southern city. He said to the judge : — ‘ Do you want me to tell the truth about this matter?’ ‘No,’said the judge, ‘ I don’t expect it. Just do the liest you can !’ JOHNNY’S LATEST. ‘Johnny, I see you have taken more cake than I said you might have.’ ‘ Yes, mother. I made believe there was another little boy spending the day with me.’ MIXED. Irate Business-man (to his fair typist) : I’m sorry to learn that your love affairs are in such a disastrous condition, but really I must ask you to keep them out of business—’ Fair Typist (blushing indignantly): Sir ! I. B. M. : Well. I ask you to acknowledge Mr Jones’ letter saying he cannot keep his appointment with me and ask him to make another, and this is what you give me to sign : ‘T. O. Jones, Esq., re quotation for “ Happy Day ” Shares : ‘ “ I beg to acknowledge the receipt of your letter informing me that you are unable to keep your engagement with me. Pa has instructed his solicitors to proceed against you for breach of promise.” That’s a nice thing to send to a customer, isn’t it ?’ Fair typist faints. INSURMOUNTABLE DIFFICULTY. ‘ How did it happen that yon fought only four rounds, after announcing that the match was to lie a finish !’ ,We had to quit,’ was the answer. ‘ Something went wrong with the man’s camera.’ A VULGAR LOT. Miss Ingenue : What awfully common people William the Conqueror must have brought to England with him. Her Mamma : Why, my dear ? ‘Oh, Iwanse they couldn’t have had any family trees. Everybody seems to have l>een descended from them.’