The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXI, Issue V, 30 July 1898, Page 160

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

HIS EXCUSE. ‘ Do you ever wash yourself ?’ asked Mr Emsworth of a tramp who asked for assistance. ‘ 1 do, sir,’ replied the wanderer, ‘ when water is plentiful, but while the country is suffering from drought I cannot think of using precious water in such a wasteful manner.’ MAKING BUSINESS. The proprietor of the shoe shop sat on a packing case and looked enviously at the rival establishment across the way. ‘ I wonder why it is that lie is getting all the business,’ he said. ‘ He has gone oxer his entire stock,’ explained the clerk, who had taken the trouble to investigate the matter, 1 and has renumbered the sizes. As a result a woman who ordinarily wears a No. 3 shoe can be fitted with a No. 2 in his store.’ Then, of course, it was apparent why nine out of every ten women in town absolutely refused to patronise any one else. SOMEWHAT DIFFERENT. Simpkins : I thought yon said Breezy was wedded to the truth ? Timkins: So I always thought. Simpkins: Well, if he ever was, he’s a widower now. THE CHIEF CHARACTERISTIC. Client: As you look at my hand, Professor, what’s the first of my characteristics that you notice ? Palmist : That you do not wash your hands often. AN INSUPERABLE OBJECTION. Would-be Son-in-law : I do not see what possible objection you can offer to me, Mr Gimp. Mr Gimp : That’s just it. I don’t want a man in my family so infernally good that my wife and daughter will cont inually hold him up as an example to me. TA KIN G PRECA UT IO NS. ‘ Did the old man kick when you asked him for his daughter ‘ No ; I made it a point to ask him when he was up on the stepladder hanging pictures.’

A WASTED NIGHT. Yalisley : You look as if you must have had a good time last night. Mudge : I hope not. You hope not? Why ? Because if I did it was wasted. I don’t recollect a thing about what sort of time I had. EASTER FLOWERS. ‘ Here is a paper,’ he said, ‘ that advocates a movement to compel women to take off their hats in church as well as in the theatre.’ ‘ In church !’ she exclaimed. ‘That’s what it says.’ ‘ Might as well abolish Easter entirely,’ she said, indignantly. ACTIVE IN SPENDING. * You didn’t accompany your husband in the rush to the Klondike ?’ ‘ No ; but wait until he comes back with the gold ; then you’ll see me start out.’ DIPLOMATIC. ‘ I just overheard yon saying, Mr Gray, that my daughter’s face would make a man climb the fence.’ ‘ I meant if he was on the other side of the fence. ’ TO CURE SNORING. Poor Wife (to husband, whose loud snoring keeps her awake): Charlie, Charlie, do stop snoring. Turn over on your side. (Nudges him.) Husband, only half awake, grunts, turns on his side, and continues to snore. Wife has a happy idea. Remembers a line from an article ‘ How to Prevent Snoring.’ Gives her husband a second nudge, which elicits another grunt. ‘ Oh, Charlie, if you’d keep your mouth shut you’d be all right.’ Charlie (semi-conscious): So would you. — (‘ Punch.’)

NOTHING SO COMMON. Visitor : And your daughter painted this beautiful picture? Mrs Uppstartt: My daughter paint it? No, indeed ! Her teacher did the work. Considering what we pay him for lessons, it was the least he could do. VERY FREQUENTLY. ‘ Hit often happens,’ said Uncle Eben, ‘ dater man’ll stalit in wif de intention o’ bein’ a peacemaker, an’ wind up by simply complicatin’ de fight.’ UNKIND. McAtkins (very tiresome): Want to hear something funny ? Old Crusticus: No; I’ve heard it before. NO APPETITE FOR THEM. ■ I will make you eat your words, sir,’ said the irate one, blusteringly. ‘ Thank you, but 1 have just dined,’ replied the calm one, as lie moved off, twirling his moustache. HELPING HIM OUT. Mr Wallace : A woman has more changes of mind than —than — Mrs Wallace: 'fhan she bus of dresses, dear.

THE WAR SPIRIT IN THE STATES. Lady of House : I’ll take a pint of milk this morning, Abel. Are we going to have war ? Milkman : Sure. Whoa there ! There ain’t no way out of it, ma’am. Lady of House : War is a dreadful t hing, isn’t it, Abel ? Milkman : Yes’in, but there’s some things that’s worse than war. Thanks. Well, I must be gettin’ along. Lady of House : You are nearly an hour late this morning, Abel. Milkman : Yes’m. I had to talk to about forty ijits about the war. Mornin’ ma’am. NOT WHAT HE WAS FISHING FOR. Mr Borem : Can you suggest anything, Miss Cutting, that might tend toward the improvement ot my conversation? Miss Cutting : You might try occasional silence. SPOKE FROM EXPERIENCE. Buxom Widow (at evening party): Do you understand the language of flowers, Dr. Crusty ? Dr. Crusty (an old bachelor) : No, ma’am. Widow : You don’t know if yellow means jealousy ? Dr Crusty : No, ma’am. Yellow means biliousness ! NO GRAZING GROUND. ‘ Just thirty-three years ago to-day,’ said the old soldier, * the top of my head was grazed by a bullet.’ ‘ There isn’t much grazing there now, is there, grandpa ?’ was the comment of the youngest grandchild, and, as the old gentleman rubbed his bare poll, he had to admit the correctness of the assertion.

CAUGHT AGAIN. ‘ That’s the famous Mrs Goitte Strong. Do you know how she made her name ?' ‘ By her novels, I suppose.’ ‘ Oil, no. By marrying Mr Goitte Strong. Her maiden name was Smith.’ IT MUST BE GOLDEN. The Fair One: I suppose you will marry, though, when the golden opportunity oilers, won’t you ? The Cautions one : It will depend upon how much gold there is in the opportunity. TWO GIFTS. Weaver : Poetry is something that is born in one ; it cannot be acquired. The making of poetry is a gift. Beaver: S.» is the disposing of it, so far as I have had any experience STILL IN THE LEAD. • Is it true, auntie, that you have refused Blakem every year for the last twenty years ?’ • Yes, my dear.’ ‘ Do you mind telling me why ?’ • Not at all. The first time I refused him I told him that he was not good enough for me, and I’m not the woman to admit that he has grown better any faster than I have.’

* Who could guess, seeing me so fashionably dressed and so distinguished looking, that two months ago I left Pumkinsville?’ NOT WORTH THE LABOUR. She : Do you think the North Pole will ever be discovered ? He: Not as long as people are willing to pay to hear men tell how they didn’t find it. THE TOUCH OF A VANISHED HAND. ‘ Keyser’s wife came back at the seance last night.’ • How did he know it was his wife ? ‘ She thumped him on the head with something.’ A MAN OF HIS WORD. ‘Do you take this woman for your lawfully wedded wife?’ asked the minister, or words to that effect. The young man, who had eloped by tandem twenty miles over a dirt road with the object of his heart’s desire, looked at the perspiring, dusty, red faced, limp-haired object that stood alongside him, set his teeth firmly, clenched his hands and answered, in the voice of a martyr :— ‘ldo.’ HOW HE FED THEM. Old Farmer : That’s a fine lot of pigs over there. What do you feed them ? Amateur : Why, corn, of course. Old Farmer : In the ear ? Amateur : Certainly not ; in the mouth. A CHANGE AT LEAST. Wife : There is no doubt about it, marriage does improve a man’s politeness. Husband : How so ? ‘ Well, yon frequently get up and offer me your chair now. Before we were married you always wanted to keep half.’ WAR JOURNALISM. Editor in Chief: ‘You had a very poor paper this morning.’ Managing Editor : ‘ Why, we licked the boots off the opposition. We had four exclusive stories.’ Editor in Chief: ‘ That doesn’t make any difference. Their headline was three inches longer than ours.’