The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XX, Issue XXV, 18 June 1898, Page 784

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

BEFORE AND AFTER.

AN AMBITION.

Before the wedding she's the one Who hates to let the people see That she has any love for him— She’s prone to hold aloof—while he Is free to let the fact lie known That he is hers and she his own. But after they are man and wife ’Tisshe that wants the world to know That she is his and he is hers And that they love each other so, While he is all unwilling then To show his love to other men.

The person to be envied most In this eventful life Is not the one who counts his gains Afar from storm and strife ; Nor yet the potentate who wears A crown upon his brow ; It is the man who stands around And tells the others how. And if the project find success, The benefit he’ll share ; Ami if it fail, he’ll simply say ’Twas none of his affair. He joins the triumph every time And dodges every row, The man who simply stands around And tells the others how. I would not be a warrior great Nor hold a seeptered sway ; I would not be a bard to wake Emotions grave or gay. If fate would graciously consent My choosing to allow, I’d be the man who stands around And tells the others how.

THE SAD CASE OF A JOKER.

Far from the madding crowd’s ignoble strife The man who writes the jokes can never stray, For he has seven children and a wife, And has to keep on grinding every day.

OF QUESTIONABLE INTEREST.

Interviewer : I called to see you, Mr Goodman, to learn if you have any reminiscences of the late Mr Lyric, the poet whose demise the public so much laments. Mr Goodman : Indeed I have, but I assure you that they are of no value. Interviewer: Excuse me, sir, but you are mistaken ; the public would be delighted to have anything of interest from him. Mr Goodman : Well, here are six of his promissory notes. If the public can get any interest out of them it s more than I have been able to do.

WAR HORRORS.

Filler : I suppose you think war is a sort of a picnic ? Bowles: Oh, dear, no ; not that horrible.

RACING TERMS. In the stretch.

A SUBSTANTIAL AGREEMENT.

‘ Isn’t Miss Brown vivacious’’ •- Yes; she does have an awful lot to say.’

BADLY STRUCK.

‘ He seems to have the Klondyke fever pretty bad.’ ‘ He has the worst case I ever heard of. When he plays poker he says Chilkoot instead of pa°s.’

REFERRING TO THE WEDDING.

‘ There goes the greater Mrs Meekley.’ ‘ Why do you refer to her in that way ?’ ‘ Because she has annexed Meekley.’

OPINIONS OF A PESSIMIST.

Some persons neverdo or say things that they are ashamed of afterward. They are in lunatic asylums. Man was made to mourn, but he generally lives it down after he has been a widower a little while.

IT PUZZLED HIM.

The policeman looked after the man on the bicycle and shook his head doubtfully. He watched him wabble up the street and then wabble liack again, and he was sorely troubled. ‘ Hi, there !’ he yelled at last. ‘ Git off that w heel wanst till I see whether you’re drunk !’

Big Smith : ‘ Do you know, Snaggs, yon are a perfect image of Jones !’ Little Snaggs : ‘ What ! That ugly little monkey !’

BUT OF COURSE THEY’ DON’T TELL.

‘ A man is known by the company he keeps.’ 1 And a woman by her dressmaker.’

HER STRONG TOUCH.

‘ My daughter’s music teacher says she is making fine progress now. At first we were afraid that she wouldn’t have strength enough, but she’s developing a wonderful muscle.’ ‘Ah, yes, I heard her practising this morning.’

A HEARTLESS GIRL.

‘ Miss Renfrew —Alice '.’ he cried, ‘ I must speak. For a week I have walked about as one dazed. I have been unable to eat. At night I have tossed upon my bed, to arise haggard and miserable in the mornings. I ’ • Oh,’ the fair girl interrupted, • 1 know what is the matter with you. Go and play croquet or golf. You need exercise.

TOO DANGEROUS.

‘ Why is it that Davidson never goes out with the Isiys any more ?’ ‘ He has developed a habit of talking in his sleep about things that lie does in his waking hours.’

A RETURN SHOT.

Mr Boarder- Mrs Caterer, let me tell you that if you want to lie up to the times you'll have to get a sideboard. Mrs Caterer—And let me tell you, Mr Boarder, that if you ain't more up to time in your payments you'll have to get outside board.

POINTED PARAGRAPHS.

The human sponge is Averse to taking water. Nothing rattles the timid belle like an engagement ring. The more a man gets left the more he talks aliout his rights. True friendship, like phosphorus, shows up liest at the darkest hour. The woman who is always picking at the men is never picked by them. One man’s calmness is frequently the cause of another man’s storm. The latest thing in racing circles is apt to be the horse yon bet on. A great many men succeed by making the most of other people's opportunities. It is well enough to call a spade a spade, but there are times when it should be done in a whisper. The more a pneumatic tire is blown up the bigger it gets, but the more a married man is blown up the smaller he feels.

FINANCIAL.

‘ Is the old gentleman so vulgar?’ ‘ Y’ulgar ! Why he tells you how mueh he [>aid for everything.’ ‘ How much did his wife cost him ?’

AT MIDNIGHT.

First Cat: ‘ Why so sad to-night, Thomas ?’ Second Cat: ‘ I feel so lonely and neglected ; I’ve been weeping and wailing for an hour and no one has thrown anything at me !’

THE NEW NOVEL.

‘ Why do you cal) it a South Dakota novel ?’ ‘ Because it is thoroughly up-to-date and ends with the statement: “ And so they were divorced and lived happily ever afterward.’”

THE ARTFUL ART.

‘ What is oratory, Uncle Jim ?’ ‘ Oratory ? Well, it is thrashing your arms around and shouting so loud that people don’t notice what you say.’

A DANGEROUS GIKL.

‘ You hail better not go boating with sister,’ said Tommy to his sister’s beau. • Why not, Tommy ?’ ‘ ’Cause I heard her say she intended to throw you overboard soon.’

VERY' SHOCKING.

‘ Ain’t that new drama simply disgusting !’ ‘ Ain’t it ! The idea of that big, handsome villain getting that dear little heroine into that dark room and then not even attempting to kiss her !’

PATERNALISM.

‘ But,’ said the neighliour who likes to argue over politics, ‘ you surely don’t want a paternal government.’ ‘ Well,’ replied Farmer Corntossel, ‘ not literally, of course. An’yitl dunno but it nd be a good thing if some folks could be tuck out of the woodshed an’ brought to see the error of their ways, jes’ the same as if they was small boys.’

Mrs Malaprop : ‘ That Miss Sereleaf does nothing lint flirt. She’s a regular croquette.’ Mrs Lapsus : ‘ And no chicken croquette at that.’

A CELEBRATION.

‘ Whut sort of a doin’s was that at your house las’ night? 1 ‘ Paw was celebratin’ the fifth anniversary of us bein’ put on the county relief books.’

THE EVIDENCE INSUFFICIENT.

Mr Borem : I am opposed to intoxicating liquors as a beverage, yeti believe that liquor rightly used isabenefit to humanity. 1 am fully convinced that whisky was once the means of saving my life. Miss Cutting : Perhaps it did, but I fail to see how that proves it a benefit to humanity.

TOO SMALL TO DIVIDE.

Johnnie (surveying his small piece of pie) : ‘ I’m blame glad I’m not twins.’ Mamma : ‘ Why ?’ Johnnie : ‘ ’Cause there’s not enough pie even for myself.’

HOW SHE LOOKED AT IT.

Lulu: Don’t you think compression of the waist is harmful ? Maud : Oh, no, not if the young man and young lady are well acquainted with each other.

BETWEEN FRIENDS.

She was boasting of her latest conquest. The first thing I knew,’ she said, ‘ he was at my feet.’ ‘ Who threw him ?’ asked her dearest friend. Of course, it is well-known that these little pleasantries are not unusual between feminine friends.

GIVEN AWAY.

Senior Partner : We must discharge that traveller of ours. He told one of our customers that I was a fool. Junior Ditto : I’ll see him at once and insist upon his keeping the firm’s secrets.

THE PITY OF IT.

Things go by contraries in life ; The virtuous seldom get their rights ; He that is prized most by his wife Is not afraid to stay out nights.

BUT WHICH ONE WAS CRAZY?

‘lt is said that, a very thin partition separates genius from lunacy.’ ‘ That’s a fact. A man who is learning to play the elarionette lives in the flat next to me.’

A THEORY.

‘ What is the meaning of the saying, “ The king can do no wrong ?” ’ ‘ I think it must be a sort of insanityplea—a theory that most monarchs are non compos mentis, or pretty near it.’

NOT THEIR FAULT.

Old Party : See here, you boys ! Don’t you know it is wrong to fight that way ? The Boys: Maybe it is, Boss; but it’s de only way we knows. Yer can’t expect ns kids ter be up in de Markey of Queensberry rules, kin yer ?

A SERIOUS QUESTION.

Higgins : My- wife always lets me have my own way in everything, ami she never does anything herself without first asking my advice. Jasper : Goodness, that must be awkward ! Who do you blame it on when things turn out wrong ?

ROMEO’S WISH.

He was young but ardent. ‘ I wish I were the glove that pressed your lovely hand,’ he said to the charming maid. She glanced at him with a liewitching smile. ‘ Aren’t you enough of a kid as it is ?’ she softly askeo.