The Graphic's Funny Leaf.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XX, Issue XXIII, 4 June 1898, Page 720

The Graphic's Funny Leaf.

TO A JILT. When first we corresponded, you Wrote ‘ Sir" and 1 wrote ‘ Madam,’ But that was when you knew not me. Nor I knew you from Adam. You signed yourself ‘ Most faithfully,’ I thought it inexpedient To answer you more warmly then, Ami ended ‘ Your obedient.’ But soon you found you knew my aunt’s Half-brother’s German sister, And so we struck the golden mean With ‘ Dear ’ and ‘ Miss ’ and ‘ Mr.' One day I wrote in terms that seemed To yon too billet doux-lv ; You straightway took me down a peg By signing ‘ Sir,’ yours truly.’ Next day you feigned compunction, ami Used phrases almost fervent, I paid you baek and wrote, ‘ Your most Obedient, humble servant.’ ‘ Yours always,’ once I tried ; but you Proved more unkind than clever, By riding roughshod o’er my heart With ‘ Pardon me, yours never. This outrage broke my soul ami drove Me almost from my senses ; My answer was typewritten by My girl amanuensis. ( Ince more you grew ‘ affectionate,’ And I replied, ‘ Sincerely ;’ You pocketed your pride and signed Your next one ‘ Alice’ merely. And then I gave myself away With ‘Angel,’ ‘ Sweetheart,’ ‘ Goddess,’ And little dreamed the heart was false That beat beneath your bodice. But when at last I sign myself • Your destined cam sposo,’ You calmly write ami say you nevEr led me to suppose so. I ask yon what did ‘ Alice’ mean ? Wh.v w hen I called you Venus A month ago, you did not say That there was naught between ns. Yes, e’en the worm will turn, and His limbs from silken fetters, I sign myself ‘ Etcetera,’ P.S. —Herewith your letters. HER NOT HIS LUCK. He : Every time I have called on Miss Daisy she has lieen out. She must have known I was coming, don’t you think? She: Not necessarily. It may have been just her luck. A PRECOCIOUS WELLINGTON GIRL. I’he subject of dolls or play or some trivial matter of that sort had keen introduced tor her lienefit, and she said : * < >h, no matter about that, grandma. Let us talk polities. lam seven years old now !’

• Hello, Charlie ! is your head cold ?’ • No. Why ?’ ■ I see you have a stove in your hat.’

A CUBAN CUT. ‘ Poor Cuba,' sighed Mrs Callahan, ‘its sad fate is strikingly similar to the fate of many poor women starved an’ downtrodden by their lordly husbands.’ ‘ I don’t see why you should have any complaint to make,’ replied Callahan, ‘for I recognised yon as a lielligerent twenty years ago.’ HIGH ENOUGH Miriam : Don’t you think my new hat a poem, Ned ? Ned (critically) : From its height, dear, I should instead compare it to a short story.

He (angrily): ‘ Was there any fool sweet on you before I married you. She : ‘ Yes : one.’ ‘ I’m sorry you rejected him.' ‘ But I didn’t reject him ; I married him. ALWAYS AROUND. First Friend : ‘Do you have good police protection out your way ?’ Second Friend : ‘Do we? Well, I should say so. We have the prettiest servant girl in the town.’ DISPERSED. ‘ Did you disperse the enemy?' inquired the General. ‘ We did,’ replied the Spanish officer, firmly ; ‘ they couldn’t follow us without scattering in all directions.’ SURE CURE. ‘ What’s the matter with Gullington. anyway ?’ ‘ He has insomnia.’ ' That’s too bad. Why doesn’t he trygetting on the police force ?’ PARADOXICAL. Husband —There’s something paradoxical about the bill for those pillows you bought. Wife—What do you mean? Husband—Why it proves that down is going up. LOVE AND RESPECT. Hicks : ‘ There is a difference between love and respect.’ Wicks : • A wide difference. For instance, there’s Hawkspur. He says he loves his wife because she believes every word he says : but, of course, it is impossible for him to respect a person who would believe even half what he said.’ THERE’S THE DIFFICULTY. ‘ I’m willing,’ said the author, ‘to admit that I borrowed a few of the ideas that I use in that work. It's legitimate to liorrow.’ ‘Yes,' replied the cynical acquaintance ; • but the difficulty is'that in this loan the wrong man gets the Itenefil of the interest." REFINED INSULT. ‘I thought,’ said Dawkins, - that you said you didn’t think much of Bradbury as a pianist, and here you have taken a l«ox for liis recital.’ ‘ I didn’t know,’ answered Morley, * a lietter way to show my contempt for him as a musician than by taking a l>ox and leaving it empty on the evening of his recital.’

SEEING’S BELIEVING. ‘ No, I don’t believe there is an old maid in the world who has lost all hope of marriage.’ ‘ We’ve got one on our street. She says she’ll never marry.’ • Do you believe her?’ ‘ I believed her as soon as I saw her.’ THERE’S THE RUB. • Fweddy, why don't, you let your mustache grow ?’ ‘ Why don’t I let it ? Good heavens, dealt boy, I do, but it won’t.’ TOO TRUE. • Did you ever notice the expression of the face of the Venus de Milo?’ ‘ Oh, yes ; she looks all broke up.’ HE WAS A BEGINNER. ‘ Do you ride a wheel ?’ she asked ■ Weil, I don’t know that I would be exactly justified in claiming that,’ he replied, ‘ but now and then I have a wrest-ling-match with one of them.’ EASILY DONE. Higgles: How in the world did you manage to keep your cook a whole month ? Wiggles : We pay monthly. WHAT VANITY. ' Reggie Littleton is such a conceited thing,’ said Molly. ‘He called me a manhater just because he heard I said I didn’t like him.’ A LESSER AMBITION. ‘ That theatrical manager acts as if he wanted the earth.’ ‘ But he doesn’t. He merely wants a few stars.” HE HAD A NERVE. The Elder : ‘So you want to marry my daughter, eh? 1 like your nerve. The Younger : ‘ You ought to, sir. I’ve been three months working it up.’ THE SAME YET NOT THE SAME. ‘ What made you go on so about the moon last night ? It is the same old moon.’ ‘ I know ; but I was with a new girl.’

“WANTED,” A MAN. MISUNDERSTOOD. ‘ Why, Mr Brown,’ said Miss Ethel, innocently, ‘ how sober you are to-night.’ The Rev. Mr Brown (in some alarm, absentmindedly) : ‘To-night, yes; but—’ recovering himself and with much dignity, ‘ have yon ever seeu me otherwise, Miss Ethel ?’ A RELIC OF THE BOOM. ‘ Yes, sir,’ said the promoter, who had entered into a bragging match with the other promoter, ‘we broke ground on the Ist of March, and by the 15th of the next month ’ ‘ You broke the stockholders,’ the other promoter chipped in. I’HE ONE OR THE OTHER. Mrs Chugwater : Josiah, it seems to me you are very stingy in taking that new novel yourself before anybody else in the family lias had a chance even to look at it. Mr Chugwater : What are you kicking alaiut? There’s the second volume. Can’t you read that while 1 am going through the first ?

UTTERLY INDIFFERENT. * You mean to tell me that you don’t think football ought to lie suppressed? Just look bow many get maimed and killed in the game.’ * It doesn’t maim and kill anybody except football players.’

NOT AS OF OLD. Captain (to young cadet just arrived on board) : ‘ Well, youngster, the old story, I suppose —the fool of the family sent to sea.’ Young Cadet: ‘ Oh, no, sir. That’s all been altered since your day.’ THE CLUB WOMAN’S HUSBAND. My wife belongs to all the clubs That ever vexed a nation ; Such clubs as women organize To stir up all creation. And if I venture just a word, She says with agitation, ‘ Peter, put off your dull remarks Till after my ovation. I’m gaining prestige every day. My name is in the “paper,” 1 shall be president ere long If you don’t act the ape, sir.’ Reforms outside so take her time She can’t sew on a button. Nor teach poor Bridget how to cook A leg of ancient mutton. And if I ask her if she won’t At least give up Sorosis, ‘ Keep out of my affairs,’ she says, ‘ Your troublesome prolioseis. I’m gaining laurels every day, So rapid my advance, sir, I shall be president ere long, If you don’t spoil my chance, sir.’ ‘ But, love,’ said I, ‘ the baby’s cross, And Georgie’s socks need darning ;’ ‘ Rock her ? she cried, ‘ and darn the socks With yarn, while yon are yarning !’ I sometimes think I’ll take my babe, And George, her little brother, And leave my wife to club it out, While Igo home to mother. For I am sure my wife will win, And be a living wonder ; The president of all the clubs — And I shall be snowed under! INSINUATIVE. She : I have had my picture taken once a year every year of my life. He : How did you manage before photography was invented ? MASCULINE POLITENESS. Man wants but little here below Because he’s too polite To interfere when woman strives For everything in sight. SETTLED. Nod : My wife told me if I wanted peace with her I would have to resign from my club. Todd : And you are getting along all right now ? ‘Oh, yes. I’m living at the club.’ FOND MOTHER. Wonderful how ideas have changed since our grandparents’ days. Scarcely any one now believes in infant damnation. Bachelor Brother : Umph ! Your husband doesn’t talk that way. A SCREW LOOSE. Mrs Somer : What delicately constructed things these big steamships are ! Mr Somer : Why do you say that ? Mrs Somer : Just think of the breaking of a screw disabling the w hole ship. THANKS. She : * I didn’t have time to make a pie for dinner, dear, so I had to get a baker’s pie.’ He : ‘ Well, let us give thanks for that.