The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XX, Issue XVI, 16 April 1898, Page 496

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

THE SOCIETY GIRL. She sighed a little nervous sigh, She said, ‘ I’ll rest me by and by,’ And then she girded up her stays, And sought again those devious ways That mark to such a large extent The hours that lead us on to Lent. She went to luncheon at the B’s, She played at euchre at the C’s, She sipped the ‘ tea ’ at Mrs A’s, She dined in state at Mrs J’s, She joined the box of Mrs I, And then she lunched with Mrs Y ; And when the dainty feast was o’er She stayed and danced till after four. ‘ Another day,’ she gasped, ‘ is blent With those that down the highway went— I hope I will survive till Lent !’ SURE THING. Tapeleigh : Have you realised anything from that mining investment you were telling me about? Stockleigh : Yes ; I’ve realised the truth of the saying, “ A fool and his money are soon parted. HIS MEDITATIONS. Soon after Singletons’ first baby was ls>rn Mrs Singleton went upstairs one evening and entered the room where her darling lay asleep. There she found her husband standing by the side of the crib and gazing earnestly at the child. As she stood still for a moment, touched by the sight, the tears filled her eyes and she thought: ‘ Oh, how dearly Charles loves that l>oy !’ Her anus stole softly around his neck, as she rubbed her cheek caressingly against his shoulder. Singleton started slightly at the touch. ‘ Darling,’ he said dreamily, voicing his thoughts, ‘it is imcomprehensible to me how they ean get up such a crib as that for half-a-guinea.’ THE PARTITION OF CHINA. ‘ Yon know,’ said the Chinese Emperor, ‘ possession is nine points of the taw.’ * Yes,’ replied the European diplomat, * but I must remind you that there are several hundred points in the game we are playing. Nine points represent a mere bagatelle in the score.’

QUITE DIFFERENT.

Teacher (fiercely) : Come here, Jones Minor. I’ll teach you to read when I’m speaking. Jones Minor (with conscious innocence) : Please, sir, I wasn’t reading, I was asleep.

OF COURSE. x First Citizen :‘ Of course a man is enb titled to his opinion ’ ’ Second Citizen :‘ Of course ; and if he’s l a politician, he’s entitled to as many kinds * of opinion as he may need in his business.’ > MEAN. * Some hateful person,’ said the Sweet Young Thing, ‘ has declared love is a species of hypnotism.’ * I guess he is right,’ said the Mean Man. * Fellow usually gets married with his eyes shut.’

AND HE ESCAPED THE GUARD ROOM.

Officer (sternly): ‘ How is it I find you out here in civilian dress ?’ Corporal Atkins (emerging from behind tree) : ‘ Well—a—l—a—well, sir, the tree trunk wasn’t thick enough to hide me, sir !’ GOOD NEWS. * Your son,’ said the professor, ‘ has been labouring under a misapprehension.’ ‘ Perfess !’ exclaimed Father Corntossel, with joy in his voice, ‘ ye don’t mean it!’ * Mean what?’ ‘ That Josiar has been working.’ NOT ON THE SAME BOX. Coachman : I am going to leave, sir, I can’t stand the missus. Employer : Too strict, is she ? Coachman : Yes, sir. She keeps forgetting that I can leave at any time, and worries me about just as if I was you. THE MUTATIONS OF TIME. De Short : You notice, perhaps, that I have sold my gold watch, and now carry a silver one. Harduppe : Yes, old man, it’s onlj’ another proof of the old saw, ‘ Circumstances alter cases,’ you know. A TRUE WEATHER REPORT. * What do you regard as the most reliable weather report, professor ?’ ‘ Thunder.’ CAPITAL. He’d a very poor head for figures. His knowledge of books was small ; Of the intricate threads of commerce He knew next to nothing at all. But he always knew when he might safely Hum a flattering little song ; He knew where to spread the tally, So he managed to get along. A DILEMMA. * What is the trouble, Maggie ?’ You look worried.’ ‘Sure an’ the trouble is with the twins, mum. One of them is cryin’ liecause he swallowed his rattle, and the other is howlin’ out o’ sympathy, and lietwixt the two of them bawlin’ I can’t tell which one swallowed the rattle.’ FACT V. MATHEMATICS. Teacher: Now, Robert, subtract two from seven. Robert, appears to lie very much puzzled. Teacher : For instance, seven lx»ys wanted to go and play footl>all, but two of them had Iteen told by their parents not to do so. Now, how many played ? Roliert (eagerly) : Seven.

PROBABLY THE LAST. * Is this the last edition of the paper ?” inquired the severe-looking old lady of the keen-eyed newsboy. * Yes’m,’ he replied, * I guess it is. Th’ Official Assignee was just. closin’ up th’ office as I come out.’ AT THE CIRCUS. The hero of the ninety-day fast groaned audibly. ‘ What’s the matter ?’ asked the Living Skeleton. ‘Nothing,’ replied the other. ‘But it just struck me that while the toff who was in here a moment ago may be a very fast young man, I’m a faster.’ Whereupon the freaks did a groan turn in chorus. . IT ONLY SEEMED SO. Henpek : ‘ Come up to my house to’ morrow night; I’m going to celebrate my golden wedding.’ Wiseman : ‘ Golden wedding ! Why, man, you’ve only been married three years ?’ Henpek : ‘ I know it; but it seems fifty, so everything is all right.’ MUST HAVE BEEN. Landlady: You say the chicken soup isn’t good ? Why, I told the cook just how to make it. Perhaps she didn’t catch the idea. Boarder : No, I think it was the chicken she failed to catch. THE GOLDEN RULE. Mrs Figg : Tommy, lam horrified. To think that you would cut the cat’s tail off! Is that living up to the Golden Rule? Tommy : Course it is. If I had a tail I’d want somebody to cut it off.

SQUARING THE ACCOUNT.

Smith : ‘ This half sovereign you’ve given me is a bad one.’ Brown : ‘ So was the bull-pup it’s to pay for, a perfect four-footed fiend.’ ONE’S TROUBLES. Though every man upon the earth Has troubles of his own, Few have enough to make them leave The other chap’s alone. NOT HER DAY. Mother : ‘ Why did you cut him off so unceremoniously at the telephone ? It was rude.’ Daughter : ‘ Can’t you see ? My back hair’s down, my front liair is in crimps, and this old dressing jacket looks like a fright. I never was so mortified in my life.’ A PRETTY GOOD TEST. ‘ Habberjohn doesn’t seem to have a very lovable nature.’ ‘ Well, no. If Habberjohn were at a banquet and some one should discover that there were thirteen at the table all eyes would instinctively turn toward Hablierjohn as the one to go.’ A LEGAL PROBLEM. His Lordship (after a heated discussion): ‘ What do you suppose I’m on the bench for ?’ Smart Counsel : ‘ Ah, my lord, you have me there !’

EXTEMPORE. ‘Your extemporaneous talk on art was grand, Miss Goggles.’ ‘ Well, it ought to be; I put in three solid weeks getting it up.’

GIVING HIMSELF AWAY.

Benevolent Person (to blind mendicant) : ‘ You weren’t here, at your usual place, yesterday. How was that ? Mendicant: ‘lt was that foggy, Ma’am, I couldn’t find my way.’ A DOUBLE MISFORTUNE. ‘ Sad case, wasn’t it, that Texas girl who fell from her bicycle and bit off a piece of her tongue?’ ‘ Was she married ?’ ‘ No.’ * Too bad. ’ ONE CAN’T EXPECT EVERYTHING. Ethel (with enthusiasm): ‘He was just too handsome for anything, but they said he’d been divorced twice, ami drank and gambled terribly.’ Mand : * Well, my dear, one can’t expect everything.’ AN OBVIOUS JOKE. First Telephone Girl : • What did Belle say when you told her your engagement was broken ?’ Second Telephone Girl : ‘ Oh, she said it only meant another ring off.’ THE LATEST. Old Lady : • Didn’t I tell you never to come here again ?’ Up-to-Date Tramp: ‘I hope you will pardon me, madam, but it’s the fault of my secretary ; he has neglected to strike your name from my visiting list.' MISUSING THE EYES. Chollie : ‘ Maud has to wear glasses ; the oculist said she had been using her eyes too much.’ Charlie : ‘ I should say so ! You ought to have seen her at the dance the other night; she was just surrounded by men all the time.’

ALAS THOSE CAKES. Wife: *We have been married twelve years, and not once have I missed baking you a cake for your birthday, have I, dear?’ Hubby : ‘ No, my pet. I can look back upon those cakes as the milestones in my WHERE IT GOES. ‘Do you think there is any money in politics, Jimpson?’ ‘You bet there is. That’s where all mine went.’ AN OLD ADAGE. First Burglar : ‘ Bill, you’re the biggest, so you’d better climb that garden wall and undo the door.’ Second Burglar: ‘No fear. The weakest has to go to the wall.’ LUCKY SPORTSMAN. Wife (to husband, just home from the pheasants): ‘ And had you good fortune, George ?’ George (thinking of his erratic marksmanship) : ‘Yes, dear, for the first time I wounded nobody.’

A FATAL PROHIBITION. De Bitt: ‘ Have you heard the dreadful news ?’ Credytt: ‘No ! What has happened ;’ De Bitt: * Smith fell into the river and was drowned.’ Credytt: ‘ But didn’t he know how to swim ?’ De Bitt: ‘ Swim ! Don’t you know that |jersons are forbidden by the police to swim in the river f HE HEARD. Miss Ethel : I wonder if that gentleman can hear me when I sing ’ Maid : <if course he can. He is cloning the window already.