The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XX, Issue X, 5 March 1898, Page 304

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

THE PRINTER. (BY AN AGGRIEVED SCRIBE.) Who is it that for ever strives To turn the summer of our lives To winter, Who seems to spend his working hours In turning all our sweets to sours ? The printer. Who, when we’ve pondered something new, That would have been a credit to Old Solon, Who but the printer makes a bash Of it, with some unealled-for dash Or colon ? When some poor pressman long has wrought To be of some rare golden thought The niinter. Who is it shatters all his bliss By making him to read like this — FxpqzmNdl&”mpbg-,? The printer. A HOST. He (rapturously).—Tell me, my own, before you promised to be mine were you ever kissed by any one ’ She.—Darling, 1 cannot tell a lie. I fear I was. He.—Quick I what is the name of the villain She.—No, dear ; it is better for you not to know. He might be too many for you A RECONCILIATION (?) Mr Youngbusband (home late): ‘ Forgive me, Gertrude, this once, and never again will I do anything to bring tears to those bright eyes. ’ Mrs Younghusband (sobbing) : ‘ Yes, dear ; I forgive you. Often I think that perhaps I expect too much of you, a man with your surroundings and temptations ; and look at the way you were dragged up !’ AFRAID OF PERJURING HIMSELF. Judge: 'Did you assault this man on St. Patrick’s Day ?’ Pat: * Shure, yer honer, he looks so dift’rint from what he did befoore Oi shtruck him thot Oi wudn’t loike to be afther sayin’ it wuz the same mon.’

LITERALLY CORRECT. First Bohemian.—You haven’t such a. thing as a half-crown you don't know what to do with, have you? Second Bohemian. —Why, yes I have. First, Bohemian. —Then hand it over. Second Bohemian does so.) Here—why— I say old man, this is a base coin ! Second Bohemian.— Precisely !

IT HURT HIM. Strawber : Did you feel the late financial depression 1 Singerly : Feel it! Why, old man, for a period of a month I wasn’t able to borrow a dollar. A NOTABLE EXCEPTION. Codling (tenderly quoting): * All the world loves a lover.’ Miss Munn: The rule has its exceptions. ‘ Aw ’’ Miss Munn : Yes. Sometimes the girl doesn’t. A HINT. He : I see that a late medical authority says that kissing is a cure for indigestion. She : I ate a good deal more mince pie for dinner than I should.

NO DANGER. Guest (iii restaurant): Waiter, I hope you’re not giving me one of those rabbits they inoculate ? Waiter (whispering) : This is cat. TRUE. ‘Father,’ said the knowledge - seeking boy, ‘ what’s a fad ?’ And after some thought the candid old gentleman answered : ‘ A fail, Rollo, is something that most everybody enjoys except yourself.’ WHAT HE DID DO. Street Lounger (to horrified audience) : ’Ere, Bill sez ’e don’t like beer. Bill : More I don’t. I hadores it ! POOR PAPA. ‘ Ma,’ said Tommy, suddenly glancing up from his novel, 1 what’s the meaning of ‘ ‘ bated breath ?” ’ ‘ That,’ replied his mother, with a meaning glance at her husband, ‘is what your father usually brings home from a fishing excursion.’ Sexton : ‘ That was a very severe coughing fit.’ Undertaker: ‘O, it was only a drop o’ ale that went down the wrong way.’ Sexton: ‘ That’s just like you ; you always lay the coffin on the bier.’ A schoolboy wrote : ‘Soldiers are of three kinds—tin soldiers, real soldiers, and voluntears. DIAMONDS RE-CUT. The woman who hesitates is won. Man wants but little here below, and keeps on wanting. Fools make feasts for wise men to eat ami get the gout. The evil men do lives after them ; the good is oft interred in their wills. When poverty comes in at the door,love goes home to papa, and brings hubby with her. Flossy : ‘ I hate whiskers.’ Bessy : ‘ I wouldn’t marry a man with whiskers ; no, not even if he asked me.’

NICELY PUT. Strawber : ‘ I hear you proposed to Mias Twilling the other night. Did she give you an answer ?’ Singerly: ‘ Not till I came the next night.’ Strawber: ‘ Then what did she say ?’ Singerly: ‘She told the servant to tell me she was very sorry, but she was already engaged.’ PIES AND PILLS. The following advertisement in a Boston newspaper sets forth the advantages of a winter-resort hotel: THE DOMESTIC HOUSE. Home comforts. Home-made pies and cakes and an experienced physician constantly in attendance. OVERTRAINED FOR DETAILS. Uncle: ‘I would like to accommodate you, Jack, but money is tight and I hope you will take the will for the deed.’ Nephew : ‘ Certainly. Have you signed it, sir ’’ URGING HER ON. ‘ Roberta,’ said the emancipated woman to her daughter, ‘ I can see a thing or two. You are in love with Charles Wetherill. ‘ Well, mamma, suppose I am?’ ‘ Then why don’t you pluck up enough courage to propose liefore some other woman gets him ’ He’s the very best cook in the town and he lias money in his own right.’ AS USUAL. Hipps: ‘ So your Australian prima-donna took a cold on the opening night, did she ?’ Sydney Melbourne : ‘ Worse than that. A regular frost.’ A BIT OF IRISH WIT. Some time ago, while I was trading in a small store, one of the salesmen came to the junior partner, who was waiting on me, and said : ‘ Please step to the desk. Pat Flynn wants to settle his account, and wants a receipt.’ The merchant was evidently annoyed. ‘ Why, what does he want of a receipt ?’ he said ; ‘we never give one. Simply cross his account off the book; that is receipt enough.’ ‘ So I told him,’ answered the clerk, ‘ but he is not satisfied. —You had better see him.’ So the proprietor stepped to the desk, and after greeting Pat with a ‘ Good morning,’ said : ‘You want to settle your bill, do you ? Pat replied in the affirmative. ‘ Well,’ said the merchant, ‘ there is no need of my giving you a receipt. See ' I will cross your account off the hook, and, suiting the action to the word, he drew his pencil diagonally across the account. ‘ That is a good receipt. ’ ‘And do you mane that that settles it,’ exclaimed Pat. ‘ That settles it,’ said the merchant. ‘ And ye’re sure ye’ll never be askin’ me for it again ?’ ‘ We’ll never ask you for it again,’ said the merchant, decidedly. ‘Faith, thin,’ said Pat, ‘l’ll be after kapin’ me money in me pocket, for I haven’t paid it.’ ‘ Oh, well, I can rub that out!’ ‘ Faith, now, and 1 thought the same,’ said Pat. It is needless to add that Pat got his receipt. THOUGHTFUL.

Johnny : Why are you putting camphor on those furs ? Mamma : To keep the moths out of them. Johnny : What will the moths do if they get into the furs? Mamma: Eat the hair oil'. Johnny : Well, why didn’t you put camphor on pa’s head to keep the moths off it ?

Fuddy : Some women are so innocent, don’t you know ! Duddy : For example? Fuddy : Mrs Finley was at the theatre the other night, and at every ‘ damn ’ she laughed as though she’d die; but when her husband indulges in the expletive she thinks it is just horrid.

HE NEVER KNEW. Miss Pertleigli; You haven’t spoken a word in ten minutes. What were you thinking about ? Cholly: Oh. nothing.’ Miss Pertleigh : Egotist ! A QUESTION OF EYESIGHT. Mrs McGinnis : *Oi b’lave Oi saw six Sair av shtockin’s hangin’ on Messrs lurphy’s line yisterday.’ Mrs Reilley: •It must lie cross-oiyed you’re gittin’, Mrs McGinnis. She hain’t got six pair in her whole repertwire.’

EMBARRASSING. Young and Pretty Aunt (to visitor) £ ‘ Now, some children tattle so, but Lillie is very good. She doesn’t repeat what she hears. ’ > Lillie: ‘No, auntie. Yesterday you told me not to tell anybody that Charlie Smoothdown kissed you, and I haven’t told, have 1?’ FORGIVEN. Marjorie was recently an attentive witness to a reconciliation which followed a spirited argument between two members of our family. ‘ I’m just awfully sorry, and I wish you’d forget my part in the matter,’said one. ‘ Oh, it’s all right. It’s a bit unfortunate that it occurred, but I was more to blame than you,’ replied the other penitent. On Sunday Marjorie was very restless and naughty during morning church. Arriving home, her mother sent her to her room with the suggestion that she kneel down and ask God to forgive her naughtiness in his house. Marjorie came Hipping downstairs within three minutes. ‘ I’m afraid, Marjorie, that you did not do what I told you,’ said her mother. • Yes, I did, too,’ replied the child serenely. ‘ I told God I was sorry and he said, “AH right; it’s misfortunate, but 1 was more to blame than you.”’

‘ I seem to have a very unfortunate manner of saying things,’ remarked Willie Wishington. ‘ What has happened now ?’ inquired his friend. ‘ I remarked to Miss Cayenne that there was one point upon which I had made up my mind.’ ‘ And was she interested ?’ Not greatly. She said she thought that a point was quite large enough for the purpose.’

SHE GOT FOURTEEN DAYS. Magistrate (who has lately taken to himself a wig) : ‘ I think I’ve seen you here before on a similar charge.’ Drunk ami Disorderly Female : ‘ No, yer washup, s’elp me ! The last beak I was up afore was a bald-headed cove.’