The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XIX, Issue XVIII, 23 October 1897, Page 576

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

SHE ‘ MARRIE I) W ELL. ’ Have you heard what they are saying O’er the walnuts and the wine, Secrets eagerly betraying About your affairs and mi ne ? Foes and friends receive attention From each chatting lieau and lielle, And they casually mention That Marie has ‘ married well.' ‘Married well !’ All, that’s expressive. And from it we understand That the bridegroom has excessive Store of ducats at command. Is he good ? He has his viees. Has he brains? We scarce can tell. Handsome? Hardly! It suffices If Marie has married well. Is she happy ? That’s a trifle : Happiness is liought and sold : And she readily can stifle Love she used to know of old. Well she knows a heart is broken : As for hers—she cannot tell : But her bridal vows are spoken, And Marie has married well. HER GOAL. She could not learn to swim at all. A fact that nearly spoiled her joy, Until they showed her out at sea. The bobbing, nodding, anchored buoy. Then with a stroke both quick and sure She swam as only mermaids can. And murmured as she reached the spot. ‘A Itoy’s the next thing to a man !’ HE RESEMBLED THE CAKE. The landlady smiled sweetly on all assembled at the table, and announced that she had a conundrum. * What resemblance is there between Mr Binks and the cake that is being served tonight ?’ Mr Binks got red in the face and they all gave it up. ‘ I regret to say,’ said the landlady, with the same sweet smile, ‘ that the cake is a little short to-night.’ Mr Binks thereupon made up his mind that it was time for him to move. THE DAYS OF YOUTH. • Well, Bobby, have you had a pleasant day ?’ ‘ Yes’m ; me and Jack took our three pups an' went over t’ play th Billie Perkins’ four cats.’ AX EXPRESSIVE FIGURE. Sprockett : ‘ I was proposing to her when she told me that her father had failed.’ Wheeler : ‘ What did you do ?’ Sprockett : ‘ I back-pedalled.’

ADVICE GRATIS. Mr Pinchleigh : ‘ I can assure you, Mr Millions, I stand in desperate need of assistance. I’ve exhausted all my resources. I am on my last legs. Absolute poverty is knocking at my door.’ Mr Millions : • All right ; don't open it.’

DIDN’T APPROVE OF THE FEAST. The lesson was from the prodigal son, and the teacher was dwelling on the character of the elder brother. ‘ But amid all the rejoicing,’ he said, • there was one to whom the preparation of the feast brought no joy. to whom the prodigal’s return gave no pleasure, but only bitterness ; one who did not approve of the feast being held, and who had no wish to attend it. Now can any one of you tell me who this was?’ There was a breathless silence, followed by a vigorous eracking of thumlis, and then from a dozen sympathetic little geniuses came the chorus :— ‘ Please, sir, it was the fatted calf !’ Mrs Youngish : ‘Oh. Bob, what shall I do ? Baby is erving because I won’t let him pull all the fur off mv new muff’.’ Mr Youngish: ‘Well, that’s all right. Give him the cat.’ A FATAL FLIRTATION. Mrs Gazzam (reading the newspaper) : ‘ Here’s an article al >ont “A Fatal Flirtation.'” Gazzam : ‘ They got married, did they ?’

REPARTEE. Caustic Stinger, Esq. (sarcastically): ‘ Pleased to meet you, Softy, my boy. As Shakespeare says, “ It is meat and drink to me to see a fool. ” ’ Harold Softy, Esq. : ‘ln that case, old man. you could live on your looking-glass.’ THE SCIENTIFIC COOK. Give me a spoon of oleo. ma, And the sodium alkali, For I’m going to bake a pie, mamma, I’m going to bake a pie. For John will be hungry and tired, ma, And his tissues will decompose ; So give me a gramme of phosphate, And the carbon and cellulose. Now give me a chunk of caseine, ma, To shorten the thermic fat ; And hand me the oxygen bottle, ma, And look at the thermostat ; And if the electric oven's cold, Just turn it on half an ohm, For I want to have supper ready As soon as John comes home. A SMALL POUND. ‘ Look here, Mr Peck,’ said Mr Northside to his grocer, ‘ that pound of butter you sold me yesterday weighed only twelve ounces. ’ ‘ Well, Mr Northside,’ replied the grocer, ‘you are not the man I supposed you to l>e if you kick up a fuss alxmt as small a thing as that.’ A FISH STORY. Clergyman : ‘My boy, do you know it’s wicked to fish on the Sabbath ?’ Youngster : * I isn’t fishing : I’m teaching this ’ere wurm to swim.’ MISREPRESENTATION. • I think,’ said the gentlemanly collector, ‘ that it is alsmt time you were paying something on that typewriter. It has been almost a year since you got it.’ ‘ But,’ said the editor of the ‘ Jazeville Gazette.’ * you told me that the darn thing would pay for itself in six montlis.’

A DIFFERENCE. • 1 can argue with anybody here,’ said the contentious man, fiercely. ‘ I ean argue —’ ■ Oh, yes, you can argue,’ said the quiet little man in the corner, ‘ the misfortune is that you can’t reason.’ STONY GROUND. Minister (concluding long address): ‘ I have shown you how wicked it is to cherish a spirit of revenge for injuries. Now, what would you do if another boy struck you ?’ Sunday School Class (with unanimity): * It ’im back.’ PERSONAL LEGISLATION. • Say, Weary, there’s a woman tiyin’ to get Parliament to pass a law forcin’ every man to marry.’ • I’ll bet that’s her only chance.’

OVER ENTHUSIASTIC. Street Evangelist : I’ve been a thief ; I’ve been a drunkard ; I’ve starved my children ; I killed my poor wife ; I've been in prison for burglary ; I Policeman (interrupting) : Here, you come oft' to the police-station and report yourself. THERE HE DREW THE LINE. ‘ Pardon me,’ said the polite highwayman, ‘ but I must ask you to stand and deliver.’ The coach stopped. The door opened with surprising alacrity and a young woman with a very large hat stepped out into the moonlight. In her hand she held a small leather-covered box. • Here they are,’ she said, cheerfully. ‘ What ?’ said the highwayman. ‘My diamonds,’ said the lady. ‘I am an actress, you know, and ’ The highwayman leaped upon his horse. * Madam,’ said he, removing his hat gracefully, ‘ you must excuse me. I may be a highwayman, but I am not an advertisement. ’

GOING BACK TO FIRST PRINCIPLES. Rangier Raggles (to landowner who permitted himself to be drawn into an argument as to his ownership of the land on which Mr R. R. has trespassed): ‘So this property was handed down to you by your forefathers, who fought for it a hundred years ago. All right. But it’s time there was another fight for it. Take oft' your coat!’

OUR HOLIDAYS. Reggie : ‘ Where are you going this year, Miss Ethel?’ Ethel : ‘ Oh, pa’s going salmon fishing in Iceland, and Bertie’s going on a week’s trip to Tinibuctoo and back, and Arthur’s going down the river on a coal l>arge, and Claude’s going to cycle to St. Petersburg and back, and ma and I have spent all our holiday money on the Diamond Jubilee, and can’t go anywhere.’

MAKING MATCHES. Next Door Neighbour : ‘ Was it a kissing match I heard last evening on your piazza ?’ Alice : ‘ Oh, no ; only Jack trying to strike a match between us. ’

AN EXCEPTIONAL OFFER. ’Bus Conductor (insinuatingly): ‘ Would any gen’lman like to go upstairs and chuck that there violent, drunken man oft' the roof ?’ QUITE ARISTOCRATIC. Mrs A. : ‘ Is it true that your son holds the appointment of warder in a gaol ?’ Mrs B. : ‘ Yes ; but only criminals of good families are imprisoned there.’ DIFFICULT FOR MOST PEOPLE. He : My motto is, ‘ Always think before you speak.’ She: ‘You must find it very hard to carry on an animated conversation. ' AS FAR AS HE KNEW. Teacher : ‘ John, of what are your shoes made f Boy : ‘ Of leather, sir.’ Teacher : ‘ Where does the leather come from ?’ Boy : ‘ From the hide of the ox. Teacher : ‘ What animal, then, supplies vou with shoes and gives you meat to eat ? Bov : ‘ Mv father.’

TOO UP-TO-DATE. He (tenderly): How beautiful you are are to-day ! She (offended by the ‘ to-day ): How handsome you were—last year ! WAITING. ‘ They seem to be interested in each other.’ ' ‘ They are. He is waiting for her husband to die and she is waiting for him to get a divorce. ’ DREAMING OF KLONDYKE. Now, wouldn’t it be nice On a plunging sea of ice To sail away where Arctic waters roll ’ To fare and fare away Where it’s freezing every day, And hang our summer straw hats on the pole ? To present our tickets there Where the dancing Polar bear Gives the only entertainment — without price ? To shake his frigid paws, And to give him our applause. In a comfortable theatre of ice!