ROUND THE BREAKFAST TABLE.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XV, Issue XIX, 9 November 1895, Page 576

ROUND THE BREAKFAST TABLE.

[ WITH APOLOGIES TO THU AUTOCRAT OF THE BREAKFAST TABLE.] 4 - I~N the course of a long and varied career,’ said the Professor, ‘ it has been my good fortune to witness a few of the wonders of the world. I have surveyed the view from the summit of Mount Eden while my best Sunday hat surveyed it from the bottom ; I have observed honourable members of the House of Representatives engaged in a financial debate ; I have gazed upon Christchurch from the top of the Cathedral tower, and to this day fond memory recalls the shilling 1 paid for it ; I have watched the sea “break, break, break on the cold grey stones” of the Napier breakwater, until its symmetry ot form was transformed into outlines as irregular as a Greek verb. All these I have seen, yet was still conscious (up till three and a. half minutes past eleven yesterday morning) of something in my life “ incomplete, imperfect, unfinished.” At the thirtieth second my eyes lit upon the following object, and I felt that life had no keener attraction, nothing more unique to offer. It was a little book with a green cover—only that and nothing more. On the fly-leaf I read —“The llall-Room Guide : A

Handy Manual: A New and Revised Edition.” That young folks should require another guide to the ballroom than their own fantastic toes did not surprise me. We live in an age of guides. Our most trivial occupations, recreations, diet, sleep, thoughts even, are regulated by them. Some day an enterprising Yankee will doubtless make his fortune by the invention and publication of a “ Guide to Walking on the Head.” To imagine that its own merit has anything to do with the success of a new invention or system of any sort whatsoever is to entertain an exploded notion. Everything depends upon its advertisement, and “Handy Guides” are the littl“ leaven which leaveneth the (w)hole in the advertising agents’ pockets. A man desirous of bequeathing his name to posterity by means of a new system of shorthand, does not first create his system and take out a patent, that is a detail. He publishes “ Handy Guides ” and “ Royal Roads ” and “ Abbreviated Text-Books” about it; he advertises it from London to London, he posts it up in green and yellow and red on the sides of the Pyramids or the dome of St. Paul’s, or whatever else suggests itself as a suitable advertising board. When its reputation is securely established, when public demand is urgent, he invents it. A ball-room guide, then, is not in itself a marvel.

Its sale in a place like Auckland £s, for analyse this, or any other “Guide” to ball-rooms —separate it into its component parts ; you discover the fundamental element to be man, and man is an unknown quantity at Auckland dances.’

He isn’t at the breakfast table, as the Professor's plate gave evidence, but that gentleman was bent on a monologue, and it would have been dangerous to stop him.

* Boys there are in plenty, dear,innocent,warm-hearted boys in love with life, with each new girl they meet, and with their own reflections in the looking-glass most of all ; of fathers with marriageable daughters—a few ; of men with good-looking wives—a few ; of good-looking men with wives—none. Add to this some muscle-men. whose Mahomet is a certain circumference of chest and limbs, and every dance so much * training,’ one or two studies in starch, an occasional conglomerate of possibilities in brains and hair oil, and you have the sunt total of masculinity in an Auckland ball-room. The men—the real, solid, good all-round fellows who can swing a bat, or kick a ball, or ride a bicycle, or comport themselves in drawing-room or ball-room with equal credit; who enjoy a reasonable share of pleasure, yet make time for a large amount of good steady work ; who dress well and still remember to pay their debts —these for the most part stay at home, warned, perhaps, by the hair oil.’

It may be that my remarks are harder than the exigencies of the case demand, and the exceedingly tender membrane in the rear of some of these youthful dance-devotees’ craniums, altogether render fair play. Only I maintain that if two heads are better than one, one fair feminine head is better than none (plus a dresssuit, a smile of large, and a tailors’ bill of larger dimensions), and it is for the sake of the colonial society girl, who, as a type, is more capable and self-reliant and sensible than the society young man, that I deplore such a state of affairs, and venture to suggest a remedy. I would have colonial girls as independent in their pleasures as in otherpursuits. I would fill their lives with fresher and fuller interests than dancing alone can afford. It is because of the comparatively aimless existence which the ordinary society girl leads, that she hails with delight any form of amusement, if it be only the perambulation of a ballroom with a young man who parts his hair correctly, refrains from stumbling over his own feet, and pronounces words of two, perhaps even three syllables, properly. Let cycling and golfing occupy the young lady of unlimited leisure in winter ; cricket, tennis and other healthy outdoor sports through the summer months. An assiduous application of Nature’s rouge pot, compounded of fresh air and exercise, will revive the roses in her cheeks which excessive dancing dispels ; the excitement (not always beneficial) of the ball-room will no longer exert undue influence over her modus vivende, having allotted to them instead a moderate thimbleful of space in pleasure’s cup ; she will attract to her side men of the manliest stamp and strongest fibre, the hardy self-contained perennials who flourish best and bloom to the greatest advantage when exposed to the winds of heaven or the winds of adversity. Were it not that breeze has a damaging effect upon hair-oil, and vigorous exercise is apt to nullify the unassailable perpendicular properties of starch, we wight venture to speculate on the possibility of such feminine innovation imparting an improved atmosphere to the present masculine element of the ball-room.’ ‘ Failing so desirable a result,’ said the Frivolous Youth, ‘ I can offer another alternative. In view of the rapidly diminishing proportion of dancing men the inventive fiend has produced an automatic machine in the form and attire of a man. This interesting object can, by an ingenious mechanical contrivance, be wound up to perform the orthodox evolutions, expand at the correct moment into the orthodox grin, proffer the orthodox inane remaiks at orthodox stated intervals. It will dilate on the floor, the supper, the music and itself in proper rotation. Warranted to wear out the original article. Terms cash.’ N.B. —For the Professor’s views concerning the average society young man the writer begs to disclaim any responsibility. He is a lowly member of the breakfast table, whilst the Professor adorns its head, and has been known to adopt a style of language more or less adorned when his autocratic rulings were questioned. Like Gratiano, he exclaims, * I am Sir Oracle, and when I ope my lips let no dog bark.’

I have no head, and a tail I lack, But oft have arms, and legs, and back ; I inhabit the palace, the tavern, the cot—’Tis a beggarly residence where I am not. Were a monarch now present (I tell you no fable), I still would be placed at the head of the table. —A chair.