THE DOCTOR.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XI, Issue 44, 4 November 1893, Page 384

THE DOCTOR.

The doctor makes his way in the world by degrees, though sometimes his success is marvellously sudden. When you are ill, call in the doctor, and he will be certain to relieve you, if not of your ailment, at any rate of some of your cash. The doctor is somewhat out of it unless he can afford a smart brougham ; the man who rides is always more clever in the eyes of the world—by-the bye, the world sometimes suffers from the complaint of being blind in one eye, and not being able to see out of the other—than the man who goes on foot, which rather knocks over the saying that ‘there’s nothing like leather.’ Some people don’t believe in doctors, and wouldn’t have one in the house if he paid them ; while others will call frantically for the doctor if they have an incipient pimple on the end of their nose, or if their hair won’t lie down straight.

It is to the doctor’s interest to keep one on his hands as long as possible before putting you on your feet ; and the great difficulty, when you get him in your house, is to get him out of it. He will stick to you like a leech—is that why in olden times doctors used to be called ‘leeches’?— and, so to say, ‘ bleed ’ you of every cent you can scrape together. Of course the doctor must live, but he might give you a chance of doing likewise. ‘ You’re all right now, my dear sir,’said a doctor to a patient, as he handed him his bill, ‘ only you must mind and live well,’

‘ Then, doctor,’ groaned the convalescent, as he paid the bill, • I shall have to come and live with you, for you’ve left me nothing to live well on !’ Doctors’ fees vary very much. A struggling doctor will make you sick for half-a crown, whereas, a swell doctor will require five guineas. You can do it yourself for nothing with a little mustard-and-water ; but most people are afraid of doctoring themselves ; not one man in twenty knows whether he is suffering from hydrophobia, a soft corn, or threatened bankruptcy. In very poor districts you can even Set a bottle of medicine—real coloured agna pura, no honing about it—and medical advice for a shilling ; and catch the small-pox for nothing while you wait. The doctor’s life is not all sweet; some of it is as bitter as his prescriptions. At most unearthly hours of the night and morning he is frequently called up to see a patient, though it depends a good deal on the social position of the patient whether he goes or not. If it is only Mrs Jones the washerwoman, he may say he will call round in the morning. He calls round in the morning, but Mrs Jones doesn’t want him then—Mrs J. is dead ! But we are thankful to say that it is only the black sheep of a noble profession who act so inhumanly. Personally, we owe a deep debt of gratitude to a doctor. He attended us for an attack of indigestion, and after much assiduous care succeeded in making it chronic; so now we cannot eat anything more solid than a cup of cocoa, which is very economical; in fact, we are saving money fast to pay tor our funeral.

Aged Lover : ‘ You treat me as if I were a dog.’ Coquette : • Oh, no, I don’t. I like doge. I pat them on the head, take them out walking, and I even let them kiss me. I don’t treat you that way, do I?’